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dosh
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26 Jul 2007, 7:18 am

Can anyone give me advice on the following problem. I am baffled by why I get angry responses from NTs. Example: I thought I was getting on really well with a new acquaintance but suddenly, on the last two occasions, he started giving me hostile and angry looks. I cannot understand what it is that I have done that is causing this person (and other friends/acquaintances) to be so angry with me.



camembert
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26 Jul 2007, 7:23 am

probably need more information



woodsman25
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26 Jul 2007, 8:02 am

ya, i mean it could be perhapse u r miss interperating his responses (i do this alot, miss interprete facial expressions, body language, even what ppl say) and guess what?? its typical for us!!

u should just talk to him, and find out, maby hell be honest... maby not. Dont give up

let us know how it goes if thats what u decide to do, try and remain friends.



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26 Jul 2007, 8:07 am

Often it is what you don't do, rather than what you do that causes this response in NTs. They need a lot of reassurance. I would lighten things up maybe try to tell a joke.



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26 Jul 2007, 8:23 am

I get so sick of this happening. If it happens with a friend or someone close, I've started asking them directly what's wrong, so that I'm able to explain myself and correct whatever it is I may have done wrong. But I actually get more pissed when it happens with strangers, cashiers, etc. in public. I get so rattled and disoriented in grocery stores, etc. that I sometimes come across as rude to cashiers and salespeople, and they retaliate with dirty looks and smart remarks. In the past few months, I've had two different cashiers say "how are you today?" and when I didn't respond, they stopped what they were doing, moved their faces closer to mine, and said again louder "how are you today?" I am white and these reactions come mostly from African-Americans, so this makes me especially uncomfortable because I don't want them to think I'm intentionally dissing them. My counselor keeps telling me to stop worrying about what strangers think of me, but it's really hard because of two reasons. 1) I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and 2) it feels unfair to have to accept that I'm constantly being misread, even if these people are "only" strangers. This is the hardest thing for me to deal with right now.

I'd say that if you want to retain this friendship, ask this person directly what you may have done to offend him, and explain your side of the story. Not addressing the issue isn't fair to either of you, IMO.



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26 Jul 2007, 11:44 am

I have this happen too, i have been trying to look ppl in the eyes when talking instead of avoiding eye contact which is considered rude. But i have not been doing the eye contact thing right either. Maybe i'm not looking away enough or staring too long. Maybe i should just wear sunglassess all the time 8)

I also used to step back when ppl would talk to me standing too close for my comfort. But they find this offensive when you do that. So now i just have to kinda force myself not to step back, so as not to cause offense.


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SilverProteus
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26 Jul 2007, 2:44 pm

bizarre wrote:
I also used to step back when ppl would talk to me standing too close for my comfort. But they find this offensive when you do that. So now i just have to kinda force myself not to step back, so as not to cause offense.


I do this too, only I usually take that step in recoil before thinking. I end up offending.



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26 Jul 2007, 2:56 pm

From my experience of several decades of trying, I know that asking what's wrong doesn't work. They don't tell you. They either don't know or they don't want to say.


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26 Jul 2007, 4:13 pm

I hate it when they do that.. act angry at you and wont say why.

The worst is when they say "well you should know" uh if I knew I wouldn't be asking.

At that point I just say "I made an attempt to talk to you and sort things out if you still have a problem with me then its your own fault and your just being a stubborn @$$" and walk away.


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26 Jul 2007, 4:40 pm

NTs do this to each other too, but they expect each other to guess what's bothering them because they know other NTs are able to guess. Aspies aren't.

And I think that the ability to guess is largely connected to NTs being similar in values and therefore being able to imagine what the other is feeling/thinking. At least in my case, it's hard for me to guess what's bothering an NT because I see life and priorities completely different.


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Fraya
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26 Jul 2007, 4:57 pm

Quote:
At least in my case, it's hard for me to guess what's bothering an NT because I see life and priorities completely different.


Yeah I run into that problem a lot. Especially when it comes to the things that motivate most people like materialism or to improve their standing in an imaginary ranking system such as the "social pecking order" or just competition in general.

"This person is better than that person at this" Uh so?
"I just bought a new car and its a new model" I don't care.
"So and so stole my favorite necklace" Why would they want an ornament made of rocks and metal?

If it weren't for me doing a lot of research on psychology (for me its more like xenopsychology) I wouldn't understand it at all.. and it still only makes sense as a logical thing like "this is something they value" even though I cant fathom why.


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26 Jul 2007, 5:03 pm

I agree that the best thing to do is just say, flat out, "you look mad, but I don't know why. Is there something that I did or didn't do that is bothering you? I honestly did not mean to upset you."

For the 'How are you' question, I often just say 'Hi' in response. It keeps me from having to lie if I'm having a bad day, and since people usually are using it as an alternative to 'hello' they don't even notice. I do hate that question, though.



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26 Jul 2007, 5:26 pm

Fraya wrote:
Especially when it comes to the things that motivate most people like materialism or to improve their standing in an imaginary ranking system such as the "social pecking order" or just competition in general.


Yes, that's what I mean too. And more complex social conventions, such as NTs getting angry at me for not feigning pity, as they are feigning, for someone who knew what they had coming to them. NTs like to feign concern and other sympathy feelings to each other when they're not deserved or logical, just because they want people to feign the same to them in similar circumstances.


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Erich
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26 Jul 2007, 6:48 pm

Are you sure they were hostile and angry looks?

What happened just before he started looking at you like that?



opal
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26 Jul 2007, 10:10 pm

Greentea wrote:
Fraya wrote:
Especially when it comes to the things that motivate most people like materialism or to improve their standing in an imaginary ranking system such as the "social pecking order" or just competition in general.


Yes, that's what I mean too. And more complex social conventions, such as NTs getting angry at me for not feigning pity, as they are feigning, for someone who knew what they had coming to them. NTs like to feign concern and other sympathy feelings to each other when they're not deserved or logical, just because they want people to feign the same to them in similar circumstances.


Yeah, I'm like that too. I 'm not rude or say such things as"they had it coming" but I can't fake it, so I don't try.



dosh
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27 Jul 2007, 7:28 am

Erich wrote:
Are you sure they were hostile and angry looks?

What happened just before he started looking at you like that?



Am sure his looks were hostile/angry but can't now remember what happened before.