How to socialise without masking

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Perhaps the single most important thing I've learned about myself in recent months is that when a very stressful and unexpected incident occurs in my life, an incident that I am required to (or feel compelled to) respond to instantly and instinctively, I will make catastrophically bad errors in judgment.

Often, errors that can not ever be fully repaired (such as saying a “bad word” that will be added to someone else's indelible memory registers).

It was interesting to discover that when one of these potentially fraught incidents occurred today, and I managed to "catch" myself in time, that the expected/hoped-for rapid settling of discourse did not occur.

Instead, the “incoming fire” continued, something that in the past, I would have always blamed on my own bad reaction to the initial stages of such a discussion.

Darron

I've been reaching similar conclusions about the depth (and cost) of the masking that I've apparently very gradually developed some level of skill at.

A couple days ago, I was "just" hanging out with some local folks here in my tiny Northern Nevada town, including eventually being dragged to the one bar in town that recently reopened for the first time in many years.

It was very strange to "watch" myself in a situation like that. I've certainly been in somewhat similar situations before. But the combination of doing it again for the first time in a long time, while being fully aware of what to notice about the way I perceived the others around me, and how I was acting (literally), was revelatory. I also had a large amount of alcohol in my body, so noticing how it did (or did not) affect me at various points in the evening, was all something I really need to integrate.

I ended up with a full-blown "meltdown" on the floor of the bathroom back at my house, the first one of its kind in years, and the first one in my life that happened while I was aware of exactly what it was.

I had an nearly analogous meltdown in October, 2010, on the streets of Carson City, NV, during the drunken "Nevada Day" celebrations there. I had the same emotional reaction back then as I had on the bathroom floor the other night, and was puking and crying terribly, as I was sitting on the curb outside a bar in CC. My girlfriend of a little over a year (at that point, now over 12 years) had to go get the car so we could drive home to Reno, as I was unable to even get up and walk. Fortunately, I had the company of an unbelievably sympathetic , understanding person until she could get back with the car.

At that time in 2010, I had no f*****g idea what was happening, it just felt awful (and no, not just the effects of being very drunk. I've had those symptoms in isolation, and this was a whole other "layer" of emotional distress on top of the drunkenness).

A couple days ago on the bathroom floor, I identified what was happening right away, and just realized that I had to "ride it out", so I gave myself permission to do so. I was alone in the house here, and let it ride, including letting my legs kick, slapping the tile floor of the bathroom HARD, all of which did me no damage, but "helps" in way that I can't really describe in words.

I ended up crawling back to my bedroom after two hours on the bathroom floor, got into bed and went to sleep.

The next morning and I was "fine", more or less, though I don't know how soon (if ever) I'd knowingly let myself get into a similar situation again, unless it seemed VERY necessary for some reason.

There's (much) more to the "triggers" specific to this experience than I'd care to go into here, as they are very specific to me, and not likely relevant for a general discussion like this.

I had recently heard someone talking about how sensory issues (which alcohol can significantly affect, I suspect?) in combination with stressful social situations can REALLY ramp up one's anxiety, and contribute to the possibility of a meltdown.

Now that I've lived through this, I understand what that means, and what it is like.

Fortunately, a "full" meltdown like this seems very rare for me, given the few times in my memory that I can recall something similar happening.

Or, maybe, I've been suppressing them so much that they would have been more common if I had let them happen.

That will take some time to determine...

Perhaps I just need to learn my limits?

Dealing with fewer people, for a shorter duration, especially people I know well and trust, as well as consuming less booze are all aspects of "alcoholic socialization" that are likely tolerable for me.

It was the (eventual) number of people, the specific people, the many hours and the amount of booze that sent me "over the edge", as far as I can determine.

I'm so glad that I was not obviously distressed until well out of sight of the locals, before breaking down.
THAT would not have gone well...

Darron

Given your very compelling writing style and level of skill, if you post your inner thoughts nowhere else, at least post some of them here on this forum.

I, for one, would be intrigued to know what it means when someone says they want to reveal what they have been unknowingly (or knowingly) concealing. I have only a tenuous grasp on what, exactly, I am, or want to share, but that I may have been concealing without perhaps even knowing that I was keeping something in reserve, to my own unmeasured detriment.

Darron

The only even vaguely meaningful answer I can come up with is "by a series of gradually refined experiments".

Finding or "hiring" a "lab partner" who understands what you are attempting to determine seems to be in order, one who will not react harshly to experiments that end up in odd territory...

Darron