You don't need to make much effort when making friends

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I can relate to that so much, it's easier to accept things how it are rather then fight against it, since we think differently to the neurotypicals most of the times, we have to take up position to show that we exist, that we can change things yes. We can influentiate with books and articles, in podcasts, we should get into the media more so our cohexistencis between neuritypicals would get better and better.

I gave up to try to be likeable or to be someone I'm not a long time ago. I do adapt in social settings, that's unavoidable to some extent, but generally speaking I'm just myself. If someone doesn't like me it's their problem and not mine and most importantly, why would I want to be around someone who doesn't value me for the actual person I am rather than the person they want me to be?

I think the problem with communicating with allistics occurs at multiple levels because we simply value different modes of communication due to how differently we interpret the world. I recently realized that one reason why I always argued so much with my cousin with whom I spent many summers with as a child, was because when she asked me to join her to do an activity together I interpreted it literally i.e. do X activity with me. And most of the time the offered activity was not something I was interested in so I declined and then she became angry because in the world of allistics, the activity is just a shortcut for spending time together. I didn't understand that and didn't understand why she was angry with me and became angry in return because I felt like my boundaries weren't respected because in my world a no is a no. To allistics, a lot of the time someone saying no is actually not a no because they may just feel shy or are willing to overlook their personal preferences in favor of the group because that matters more to them than it does to us. So they coax because they think we just need help to get out of our shell.

And I don't think these differences in communication can really be overcome because no matter how you adapt, as an autistic, you will never value social engagement for its own sake as much as you will your personal preferences. You can offer yourself sometimes but doing that all the time is certainly a shortcut for burnout and depression.

Add to this the complexity of nonverbal communication and that most of us seriously struggle to control how we come across. I personally have no awareness or control over this and have often heard people say I seem to look or sound like a particular feeling even though I personally don't feel any particular way. And I know that I would go insane if I tried to control myself because just engaging in normal communication can take a lot of effort already. Allistics often pick up discrepancies between what's said and how we act and try to look for hidden meanings and like to jump to quick conclusions. It doesn't mean they're always right but it's an important part of allistic communication and they use this to communicate underlying messages about themselves and others. In comparison us autistics struggle to pick up on this since we assume that people are acting more authentic and say what they do and do what they say. A no is therefore always a no, not maybe a yes because of body language or tone of voice.

I mean, how do you overcome this? You can surely practice it but in the end your brain just ain't wired to care about this style of communication. Personally I know that the more tired I become the more inflexible I become and I'm sure that's true for most of you as well, and that's just how it is. I think it's better to focus on what makes us feel satisfied and feel good than to try too much to be something we'll never be.

How can you all be so blasé? Don't you know the danger that comes from making friends? I watched this documentary based on Mary Shelly, and if you're going to make a friend, then you need to be extremely careful, or it can cause all sorts of havoc.

Joe90,

I like some of what you said in your first post. Here is what I have tried.....


- Listen to other people's problems and see everything in a reasonable and fair perspective
- Be helpful and selfless when you can, like donate or volunteer for charity, help out the homeless, etc.
- Don't think too highly of yourself - think about other people
- Treat others how you like to be treated
- Be polite at all times
- Don't hurt other people's feelings needlessly
- Don't gossip behind people's backs - you wouldn't like it if you knew people gossiped about you behind your back, would you? So don't do it to others, it isn't kind
- Don't throw yourself at people - start with small steps when making friends

I try being nice to people and then the conversation just goes dry. It’s like they don’t even want to be bothered. I feel like I’m annoying.

I understand. It makes me feel extremely lonely. But sometimes having no friends is better than being friends with people who want to see you dead than happy.

I’d rather have positive friends than negative friends. Negative energies drain me.

often reminds me of the saying, "Who needs enemies when you have friends like these"