Bride not inviting several autistic sister to her wedding
ASPartOfMe
Veteran
Joined: 25 Aug 2013
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 34,237
Location: Long Island, New York
Internet Backs Woman's Decision Not to Invite Her Severely Autistic Sister to Her Wedding
However, one bride-to-be has been forced to make a difficult decision when it comes to her big day. A decision, she says, that now means several of her closest family members are set to miss the occasion.
In a post published on Reddit's "Am I The A**hole" forum, the woman explained that she is due to marry in three months as part of a low-key wedding and reception and last week got in touch with her parents to ask that her younger sister, Anna, not come.
In a post that has been upvoted over 19,900 times and generated more than 2,600 comments, the woman, posting as Priyrpro, explained that Anna has "severe autism" and "while she is verbal most of her communication is 'physical' like sign language due to her social discomfort."
The bride-to-be noted that while her sister communicates better around family, she has "bad cognitive skills" but "can't comprehend boundaries" and has lived with their parents since birth as a result.
More specifically, the woman says her sister Anna has an issue when it comes to her future husband, Michael, whereby she will often try to touch and kiss him inappropriately.
At times when we were at my parents house Anna would try and grab Michael's hands, try to lean in to kiss him or would have a really bad shutdowns if she wasn't allowed to be directly next to him," she said.
She said that they had tried to speak to Anna about the issue but unfortunately "she doesn't really understand."
They called me selfish and asked how I expected them to agree to something like this," she said. "They told me Anna is disabled and may never experience a wedding of her own and while I have Michael for probably the rest of our lives she'll have no one and that Michael and I can be a little more understanding to the reality of her life."
Since then, her parents have told her they will not be coming to her wedding.
The bride-to-be suggested they could "redirect" Anna away from the groom during the wedding but her parents rebuffed that idea, insisting he simply needed to "get over it."
Similar suggestions that they watch the wedding via webcam or pay for someone to look after Anna were rejected with the bride's parents expressing concern they when they eventually die, she will be looking to "pawn" her sister off on other people whenever she could.
Despite the difficulty of the situation being faced, the majority of responses to the post were supportive of the bride's actions.
I do not understand why the webcam idea was not an acceptable workaround. Most people due to the pandemic have had zoom holiday dinners, weddings, and funerals. Of course it is not the same but it is better what they have now.
I would think Anna has a therapist. If not the problem goes beyond the wedding. If so why not pay her to watch the webcam? They are paying all sorts of money for superficial things to make the wedding look nice, why not pay extra for something that matters?
_________________
Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity
“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman
Double Retired
Veteran
Joined: 31 Jul 2020
Age: 69
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,141
Location: U.S.A. (Mid-Atlantic)
You'd think they could just have found a couple of reliable volunteers to escort/steer Anna.
When my parents married my Dad was in the Navy so a few sailors were in attendance. My aunt was assigned the job of keeping an eye on them. (Apparently they still got quite a bit of alcohol.)
_________________
When diagnosed I bought champagne!
I finally knew why people were strange.
Sad but must be selfish irresponsible parents a clue is here:-
What makes them think she is obligated to give 24 h care to her adult sister when their gone?
Would she not have a life of her own? Her own kids to look after?
Do her future kids or husband`s feelings about this not matter? Is she expected to neglect her kids & ruin her marriage and give up her job because her stupid parents failed to properly plan for the future?
_________________
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends upon the unreasonable man."
- George Bernie Shaw
It's completely reasonable to expect not to have a woman who isn't the bride trying to kiss the groom and insisting on being beside him at a wedding. Even if she's too disabled to understand, that doesn't mean they should put up with that behavior.
Appropriate solutions:
* finding some way to teach her more appropriate behavior
* not allowing her to come
* assigning someone the job of babysitting her throughout the event and preventing her from harassing the groom or disrupting the ceremony, leaving with her temporarily if necessary
Someone being disabled doesn't mean that others have to put up with unacceptable behavior from them.
ASPartOfMe
Veteran
Joined: 25 Aug 2013
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 34,237
Location: Long Island, New York
A incident with similarities
Groom Suggesting Bride Not Invite Her Autistic Sister to Wedding Ceremony Sparks Fury
According to the post, which has racked up over 10,000 upvotes and comments, despite the fact Nikki has been to "other weddings and big events before" the bride's fiancé, James, thinks "accommodations" need to be in place that would see her excluded from the ceremony.
This was aptly demonstrated in a new post shared to Reddit's "Am I The A**hole" subreddit by a bride-to-be detailing her future husband's unfounded reservations about inviting her younger sister to their nuptials.
My 15 year old sister Nikki is autistic," she explained. "She used to have meltdowns and behavioral problems, but she hasn't had those kinds of issues since she was like five."
"She is a responsible kid, she is often left home alone, and she sometimes babysits for some of their neighbors," she added. "She is very excited about my wedding, and I never considered that there'd be any issue."
The bride said that even though James has known Nikki for three years prior to their engagement without any incident, he has told her he is "concerned that she might have a meltdown during the ceremony."
She acknowledged that while her younger sister "has more anxiety than average" she does not see how any of those feelings would come to the fore at the wedding. "Just because certain things make her worried or upset doesn't mean she'll have a meltdown at a totally unrelated event," she said.
The bride challenged her fiancé on his claims, arguing that by his logic "all guests would have to fill out a questionnaire beforehand" to make sure they aren't feeling anxious or stressed. But he rebuffed this argument, saying this was "different."
With the situation at something of an impasse and Nikki in danger of being excluded from her sister's big day, the bride-to-be turned to the internet for support and duly found it in plentiful supply.
KotaCakes630 said that aside from possibly offering noise cancelling headphones and money for an Uber, there was no reason to treat the bride's sister differently. "Disabled does not equal incapable," they said. "It's important to remind people of that sometimes."
If it was my fiancé and my disabled sibling that person would be my ex fiancé. If a person can’t handle accommodating my sibling I would expect that person would be a very controlling spouse. Disability is often part of life so if a person can not handle any future disability his or mine forgetaboutit.
_________________
Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity
“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman
Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 06 Dec 2021, 10:30 am, edited 5 times in total.
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 25,176
Location: Right over your left shoulder
The sister in the first story has boundary issues towards the groom. If she can't keep her hands to herself she can't be invited, period.
The sister in the second story doesn't have any similar issues mentioned so I don't understand why she's excluded.
_________________
"If you stick a knife in my back 9 inches and pull it out 6 inches, there's no progress. If you pull it all the way out, that's not progress. The progress is healing the wound that the blow made... and they won't even admit the knife is there." Malcolm X
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う
If this "severely autistic person" doesn't do destructive things, why not invite her? I get irritated when someone is not invited to something because of some potential "embarrassment." This triggers me, because it's happened to me.
Yep. She should learn "boundaries"----but I believe (Anna) would be hurt by not being invited to the wedding.
Whose wedding is it, anyway? The couple getting married, or the relatives with special needs? A wedding is a very special day, and the bride and groom should not have to put up with ANY disruptions, whether potential or actual. Making the wedding all about accommodating anyone other than the bride and groom (and the officiant) at the altar is just plain wrong.
Otherwise, what could be next? The sister sleeping next to the groom on the wedding night?
Last edited by Fnord on 06 Dec 2021, 1:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Similar Topics | |
---|---|
Who is your favorite character from The Princess Bride? |
04 Jan 2024, 12:30 am |
Should I try on wedding dresses OR have sex first? |
24 Feb 2024, 6:33 pm |
Freaking out about my wedding in one year |
24 Feb 2024, 5:41 pm |
How could I help my sister? |
11 Feb 2024, 2:00 pm |