Ooh, I like lists! Let’s see…
Communication: Somewhere online where I’m comfortable, B+. In person, C-. I get extreme social anxiety about having to initiate any sort of direct communication and often take a little while to “warm up,” but am halfway decent once I get going.
Assertiveness: F. Would be “0, did not turn in assignment,” but on occasion I can be a bit assertive online/in writing, but quickly back down if confronted.
Listening: A-, I pay attention, never interrupt (in fact, I’m usually the one who gets interrupted because I’m a bit slow to respond and have a quiet voice that can’t compete with others), but I have memory trouble and often don’t know how to display that I’m listening closely.
Compassionate empathy/sympathy: Having/feeling, A. I am very good at seeing multiple sides to things and am a bit empathic (in addition to empathetic). Knowing how to show it, C-.
Cognitive empathy: B. I’m not bad, but am prone to miss subtleties.
Making friends: D, maybe? Not really something I actively try to do because I know most people would pretty quickly determine that I’m not a good friend for one or a combination of a selection of reasons. I don’t think I’m a very good friend, at least not reliably. Maybe 20% of the time I am. I am not a social creature by nature, and attempting to make myself so is not fair to either of us. Occasionally someone will want to be friends with me, and I will certainly be friendly in return, but I’m not attuned to the social mind. If the other person doesn’t initiate, it usually doesn’t occur to me that they might want me to until well after they’ve given up on me, not because I don’t care or don’t enjoy talking with them or anything, but simply because I have little to no social needs and don’t understand exactly how much I need to be fulfilling theirs to hold up my end. And my social and communication abilities vary too much for me to reliably “be there” for someone, oftentimes I will not know what to say that might help, and sometimes I have little to no capability to find any words.
Romance: N/A, I’m asexual, aromantic, and agender.
Respect: A+
Political correctness: B- I have a tendency to (when I’m paying enough attention) over-analyze everything I might say and if I have any doubt, I say nothing. But I usually attach little to no emotion to words or phrases and am not always aware/remembering that others might.
Sense of humor: Doesn’t really seem like something I can grade.
Lying: Maybe C+? I can’t remember ever telling much more of a lie than saying I had too much homework to go to church group when I really just didn’t have the energy reserves. Or saying that I am/my day was fine because I don’t want any further questions and that’s what most reliably doesn’t get them. But I haven’t been called on those, at least.
Expressing and understanding emotion: C and A respectively. I have no trouble identifying and understanding my own emotions, but I’m not very expressive, unless I’m very happy and energetic, in which case I very much display that.
Communicating with strangers: F - - - - -. I am unable to say a word (as in, cannot make my vocal cords move no matter how hard I try) until the other person does, and then I might manage up to five words.
Masking: Not sure how to grade that one. I don’t so much “mask” as “hide.” I both consciously and unconsciously perfected the art of doing everything I can to avoid drawing any attention to myself, positive or negative. I hide myself but have no mask to put up in my stead, essentially becoming invisible. Now if only I could figure out how to not do it…
Self-awareness: A+. In social situations, I almost always am hyper-aware of every detail of myself.
Self-confidence: F. I spent two decades essentially being told that my best isn’t good enough (because nobody else could comprehend that it was my best, only that I didn’t reach the result they wanted me to). Enough said.
Conversation: C-. Usually the other person has to keep it going, or occasionally I really get going and do the stereotypical Aspie monologue thing. There doesn’t seem to be much in between.
Eye contact: C. I glance near the person’s eyes occasionally, or if I think they’re starting to think I’m not paying attention I look near the eyes, but I mostly focus elsewhere. Direct eye contact feels intimidating to me.”
Regulating voice: C. I have some degree of tone, but am often too quiet or unclear. Something about my voice sounds “off,” but I don’t know how to fix it.
Joining in: F+. Will respond if directly spoken to (which is the plus), but I’ve given up trying to do much more, because almost every time I do, either I’m cut off or people clearly give the message (with expression) that they’re just waiting for me to shut up, and then they go back to talking like I never said anything. Every time there’s any sort of group.
Explaining things: C-. Can’t usually come up with anything right away, it really depends on how well the word part of my brain is working at the time as to whether I’ll come up with something within the next ten minutes.
Making for a C- (70%) average.
_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"
19 Oct 2021, 7:31 pm
