A different version of "busy" excuse

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I don't know----but maybe they've seen you talking to other people.

The way you obsess over every little detail tends to rub people the wrong way. That's been my experience. I've obsessed over every little detail before, and it's gotten me nowhere.

There's nothing wrong with speculation----but don't let the other person know that you're speculating. People feel judged if you interrogate them. There are some questions which you should ask later in any relationship.

I wish you could find somebody like Fireblossom (not Fireblossom herself, most likely). She's much more patient than most people. I haven't got that much patience. She's a champion of patience. She seems pretty "detail-oriented." That's the type of women you probably would want and is your "type."

Fireblossom really wants to help you. And that's commendable.

Thats precisely one of the things I am complaining about. So the issue is NOT how I approach them, but rather the fact that they SEEN ME before. But I can't undo the past. So what can I possibly do other than moving elsewhere yet again?

You have to change how you approach people. You have to not be so serious. You have to seem relatively lighthearted and cool when you first meet somebody. You can't question everything about a person. You can't question every comment or statement a person makes, even if a comment or statement arouses your curiosity.

I wouldn't want to hang out with someone who is always questioning and looking into every statement I make. It's pretty irritating.

As far as lightheaded and cool, yesterday I was invited for dinner with the Bible study group. I happened to come early, and then one girl came early as well and the two of us were waiting for others. She kept rambling about the text messages she was getting about the meeting, as well as about dogs (in connection with dog from the stranger) and other random stuff. She spoke so fast that I couldn't even hear what she was saying without asking her to repeat it several times.

And from my vague knowledge of the subject, I have NO IDEA what she found that was so funny. I mean she kept laughing the whole time over benigh stuff like people being late or what not. Is THAT what you mean by lightheaded and cool? Then its not even about not asking questions. I just have NO IDEA how to act like her. I can either ask questions or be silent. I have no idea what to fill out my conversation with other than questions. Should I fill it out with some nonesence ramble of her type? I have no idea what would be the first word I would say.



So suppose I change. Will others give me a chance once I do, or will they just assume I am the same way?

The reason I am asking is that -- based on what you said previous few messages -- she assumed I will probably ask her 10 questions after I asked her question number 1. So if she could do THAT based on her knowledge of me, then maybe she would have decided I would ask her 10 questions even when I didn't ask her any questions at all?

The other thing that makes it bad is that she is not on my department or anything. She is at university, yes, but I don't know what department. So if SHE Knows me, that suggests that everyone at the university know me. If thats the case, that is a big problem, isn't it. It means that no matter where I go at university they will always assume the stuff about me based on the past.

I really can't answer that.

I really don't know your reputation at the university.

But it's possible you could prove those people wrong by acting a little different, trying to think how not to antagonize people. Show another side of you.

I wish you could do that Russian squat dance where you swing your legs and say "hey" or something like that---but if you do that, they'd probably think you're weird. But if you do it once you get to know somebody, they would like it. They would think you're a cool guy.

I wish I could do that dance. It take being an athlete.

Eh, I probably come across as more patient online than I am IRL. That's because online, or at least on a forum like this and not, say, a chat in facebook, I can take my time reading through what people write and take my time answering in order to know the best way to phrase it. I would probably not have the patience for these conversations face to face... but then again, face to face there wouldn't really be so many questions at once since a new one would only come after I've answered the first one, or a few if the questions are closely tied together, but still.

By the same token, when I am face to face, I am not nearly as long winded as online either. Yet people somehow still lose patience with me.

I know for a fact that back in the 90-s I drove people away by asking too many questions, because people said so. But right now nobody seems to be as explicit as back then. So, instead of being told "you ask too many questions" I get more of a sense that "you are just different". And that is far more frustrating. Because asking too many questions is a choice that I can fix. Being different isn't. Sure, back when it seemed like a choice, I "chose" not to fix it. But since it was my choice it all felt fair and square. Right now it doesn't feel like a choice. So I get super frustrated.

But, back to what you were saying: I am not as long winded face to face as I am online. Neither back then nor now. Since, just like you said, I would ask the questions in sequence rather than all right away. Thus, instead of making long monologue, I would ask something shorter then elaborate on it when I am not satisfied with the answer, etc. But it still ended up being long conversation with going in circles. Just different dynamics of what constituted its length. Instead of one monologue, a lot of short questions one after the other as I keep not getting satisfied with the answer.

Still, however, with a lot of people (including the latest example I gave) I never had a chance to have a "long conversation". They ignored me during literally the very first word that I said. Thats why it is so frustrating. In fact, if I do have a long conversation with someone, they won't suddenly pretend to stop hearing me 30 minutes into the conversation. If they hear me, they hear me. They might say they have to go (and usually they do) but that is totally different from acting like they don't hear me. When people pretend not to hear me it is *almost always* right away at the very first sentence I say, and then the conversation never goes far beyond that. So *how* do those people even know it would have been a long conversation? Especially if those people most likely never met me before?

And the whole tactic of pretending not to hear me is what they do now. They never used that tactics back in the 90-s. Back then they all heard me, and told me I ask too many questions (fair and square). But right now they don't hear me (super frustrating).

People are just more careful nowadays.

It's about self-preservation.

I am the blunt type----but I'm less blunt than I used to be.

Well, by being "more careful" they actually hurt me more. Saying "you ask too many questions" is not nearly as hurtful as saying "you are not worth talking to altogether".

You mentioned it is self preservation. Can you elaborate? Do people suffer graver consequences nowdays for being blunt than they would have back in the past? Is my feeling more allienated an example of it?

Yep, people do suffer consequences sometimes when they are blunt to somebody else.

They get harassed on the Internet, and maybe harassed in person, too. I don't find this is very common---but it's common enough to be quite troublesome.

I was blunt with a woman once. She decided to send a bunch of police officers to my apartment claiming my mother and I were having a fight. Then, she constantly made crank phone calls to me for years, making threats.

I'm still blunt----but I'm more cautious.

If she were to make stuff up, why would she pick this one of all things? Having a fight with your mom isn't really a crime. She could have, at the very least, make it as something between you and her rather than between you and your mom.

In any case, what would have stopped people from doing some of those same things back in the 90s?

That's not the point.

All this with the girl I mentioned happened in the late 70s through the 80s, actually. She passed away in the 90s due to suicide.

My point is that people are cautious now because they don't want somebody to harass them.

So why is it that people are more likely to harass now than they were before?

Perhaps because it's more in "style" to harass someone, and the consequences aren't as severe?

Saying all this, most people wouldn't bother to harass someone; they are too occupied living their lives to bother to harass one person. But enough people feel like their lives are empty, and therefore harass people, for it to be a troublesome phenomenon.

You're getting away from the point, though. The point is that people are more cautious because they don't want to endure harassment. That's the bottom line. That's why people are not as blunt as they used to be. They just don't want to endure needless BS.

I like bluntness myself. I don't like subtlety. But I have to understand the reasoning behind the subtlety. And, you have to understand, too. Otherwise, you'll keep yourself down in a quagmire.

How did it happen?



Did the law change?

The difference between the 90s and now could also be that back then you were a teenager/young adult, so people may have assumed that you'd learn to socialize properly as long as someone taught you, plus since you didn't come to USA until 90s, they might've assumed that your style of communicating was normal where you came from. However, now you're an adult, so people are less likely to assume that you'd learn if someone taught you (because extreme majority of people are set in their ways when it comes to communication at that age) and people are more hesitant about scolding adults about their behavior than teenagers anyway.



This can get annoying too, especially if the person has given you an answer that they feel like explains it all, but you just don't get it. So unless something is really important to you or it's something work related that you must know in order to do your job properly, I think you shouldn't push too hard. Few extra questions to make things clearer is fine, but if you get to ten about the same thing, that's probably too much for most.

As for people pretending not to hear you, Kraftie may have a point. I think he would know about that kind of things better than I since he also lives in the USA, which is considered to be a rather dangerous place compared to where I'm from. Guess Americans are more careful with "stranger danger" than people here... for a reason, of course.