Feeling lonely and jealous of my AS boyfriend's friends

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Hizi
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26 Oct 2021, 8:44 am

Me and my boyfriend has been together for more than a year. It started off as an online relationship when I was living in another country. Since I moved back to this country in March, we meet once a week during weekend. When I am with him in person, I can sense his love and care. And this makes me very happy.

However, when we are apart I feel lonely and leftout. At the beginning of the relationship, my boyfriend would message me and chat via text. Overtime, there's less and less messages. Sometimes, he doesn't reply my message which left me in anxiety. This stopped me from messaging him frequently coz I would rather not be anxious. I have brought it up to him before that I hope he could try harder to reply to my message. I told him that I would be happy if I receive more of his messages, whether it's just random fanart or memes he saw online coz i know it could be difficult for him to think of things to say. He apologised and agreed he should try harder. He kept up with this but it didn't last long, everything just returned back to normal. I don't think I should bring this up again since I told him once already. It took me a lot of courage to tell him my feeling. If I am important to him, he should remember what I said.

I know not replying to messages is a common thing for people with autism and he didn't mean to make me feel that way, so I have been coping and improving myself. I got a part time job at school and I started a side business that kept me busy. I joined a local anime society and tried to hangout with more people. I no longer feel depressed and lonely that often.

Yesterday, i got flooded with this emotion again when my boyfriend had to left me alone and join his other group of friends on another voice channel at 2am. I would usually be asleep at that time, but since it's school holiday I could stay up later and I just ended up feeling extremely upset and lonely. This group of online friends are based in America, they are usually active when I am asleep. My boyfriend would join them until 5am-6am in the morning. I know the existence of this group of people since I used to be on the same Discord server. I left because I could never find a way to fit in and I always ended up upsetting myself since I couldn't stop comparing myself with my boyfriend's friends all the time. My boyfriend met this group of friends on internet. They share more same interests with my boyfriend so they all got along really well. They game and watch movies together sometimes. I am very jealous of them since they share more quality time with my boyfriend. I wish I could game and watch movies with my boyfriend too. The thing is I am very bad at gaming and there's not many 2 players game that we could play. My boyfriend would rather do his own things when we video call. FYI Me and my boyfriend video call 3 times a week during weekdays. We used to watched anime together over a stream but my boyfriend got tired of anime so we stopped doing that. Both of us are bad at talking over video calls, we usually just do our own things with camera on. I hope we could engage in the same activities more and share some quality time. My boyfriend is happy with the idea of just doing our own things when we video call. I can't get him to watch/do something together.

This is why I am jealous of his friends. They obtained what i couldn't obtained. Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend is happier when he is with them. I don't really understand how important I am to my boyfriend although he said I am important and he loves me many times. Why would he love a boring person like me? Perhaps he can be happy without my existence.

Sorry about the long paragraphs, I just feel like I want to share my feeling somewhere and i hope this would make me feel better. If me and my boyfriend can be together in person everyday, everything would be much easier. Our future plan is to get married and get a house together. My boyfriend is unemployed and has been finding a job. I hope i could think of ways to motivate him on that too. His gaming addiction is not healthy certainly.



that1weirdgrrrl
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26 Oct 2021, 5:59 pm

It sounds like you are doing well by keeping yourself busy with new hobbies and a side hustle. Staying busy helps a lot with lonliness/anxiety/jealousy sometimes.

Maybe he could make a side hustle with his gaming? There are gamers who stream their playing and gain supporters/fans (and sometimes even sponsors). And they don't have to be necessarily excellent gamers, if they can make their stream entertaining.


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cornerpiece
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31 Oct 2021, 11:57 pm

To me, this does not sound like a mature kind of relationship... Most importantly, just don't get pregnant too fast or do anything else irreversible. Focus on learning from this relationship. Trying things out.

Sorry. I realize you didn't ask for advice.



nick007
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01 Nov 2021, 12:09 pm

Not being together much or a lot in person can be very difficult for some of us. It sure was for me with my relationships cuz they were all long-distance until I moved in with my current gf. I'm a quiet person in general & lots of times when me her are hanging out together I'm not talking much. She does a lot of the talking & I listen or we kinda just do our own things while hanging out together. I used to say a lot in messages when me & her were long-distance but I think I kinda ran out of things to say to her & I no longer feel the need to say a lot. I don't share some of her interests like reading & art but it doesn't bother me thou it bothers her sometimes. I think part of the reason it bothers her is because she doesn't really have any friends to do that stuff with(I don't really have any friends either but it doesn't really bother me). I just never really been interested in that stuff & it still doesn't interest me, plus my disabilities would make that more difficult for me as well. Most all my interests are things I've done by myself before we moved in together like watching TV & listening to music while doing stuff online. It's very nice to have Cass around but we don't need to both be doing the exact same things to enjoy spending time together. For example it's nice to cuddle together on the couch while one of us is watching TV & the other is doing something on our phone or we're both playing video-games on different systems & TVs that are next to each other. We are both very boring people, especially me but I like boring.

Perhaps your boyfriend isn't really bothered by you & him not sharing the same interests. Is it just guys in that circle of friends? If so it seems common for guys to do activities with other guys without their wives/girlfriends because the guys like having guy time. I remember a comic joking YEARS ago about how if women started taking up guy hobbies, the guys would start doing the former woman hobbies.


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Hizi
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05 Nov 2021, 7:48 pm

cornerpiece wrote:
To me, this does not sound like a mature kind of relationship... Most importantly, just don't get pregnant too fast or do anything else irreversible. Focus on learning from this relationship. Trying things out.

Sorry. I realize you didn't ask for advice.


Thanks for your reply!
Ye,there's a lot of things we need to learn and we are so far taking everything slowly.
I have never been on a relationship before so it's all new to me.



Hizi
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05 Nov 2021, 7:54 pm

nick007 wrote:
Not being together much or a lot in person can be very difficult for some of us. It sure was for me with my relationships cuz they were all long-distance until I moved in with my current gf. I'm a quiet person in general & lots of times when me her are hanging out together I'm not talking much. She does a lot of the talking & I listen or we kinda just do our own things while hanging out together. I used to say a lot in messages when me & her were long-distance but I think I kinda ran out of things to say to her & I no longer feel the need to say a lot. I don't share some of her interests like reading & art but it doesn't bother me thou it bothers her sometimes. I think part of the reason it bothers her is because she doesn't really have any friends to do that stuff with(I don't really have any friends either but it doesn't really bother me). I just never really been interested in that stuff & it still doesn't interest me, plus my disabilities would make that more difficult for me as well. Most all my interests are things I've done by myself before we moved in together like watching TV & listening to music while doing stuff online. It's very nice to have Cass around but we don't need to both be doing the exact same things to enjoy spending time together. For example it's nice to cuddle together on the couch while one of us is watching TV & the other is doing something on our phone or we're both playing video-games on different systems & TVs that are next to each other. We are both very boring people, especially me but I like boring.

Perhaps your boyfriend isn't really bothered by you & him not sharing the same interests. Is it just guys in that circle of friends? If so it seems common for guys to do activities with other guys without their wives/girlfriends because the guys like having guy time. I remember a comic joking YEARS ago about how if women started taking up guy hobbies, the guys would start doing the former woman hobbies.


Thanks for your reply.
What you said certainly helped me understand a bit more about my boyfriend, he probably has similar thoughts. It's always easier in person, and i am still waiting for that day to come.
It is mainly guys in that circle of friends, so he is probably just having his guy time.



Hizi
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05 Nov 2021, 7:56 pm

Thanks everyone for the comments. Now that I am back to work, I am feeling so much better now.



nick007
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06 Nov 2021, 2:13 am

Hizi wrote:
Thanks everyone for the comments. Now that I am back to work, I am feeling so much better now.
Your Welcome. I wish you two the best of luck with things. I wonder if perhaps the pandemic is making things worse for you. A lot of people are spending less time in person with family & friends these days than they used to which can make some more clingy within their romantic relationships. I was very clingy within my 1st two romantic relationships & being too clingy was a major reason things fell apart. I tried to learn from the experiences & do better within my 3rd relationship which is my current. In my case some of my problem was BAD OCD & BAD anxiety & figuring it out & getting on medication for that before I got in my current relationship was a big help. I'm not suggesting that's what's going on for you Hizi but having an idea of the reason behind your feelings can be a big help to you. It sounds like you do have a bit of self-awareness about it & that's really good. Taking things slowly might be a good idea for a while if you two both can, it woulda been very hard for me thou. Also staying busy like that1weirdgrrrl said could be helpful as well. Also don't expect your relationship to be perfect. Most any relationship will have various problems. What's important is how you both try to work on things together. I know I sure need reminders about certain things sometimes cuz I can forget & slip up a bit & it's good for both me & my girlfriend to check in with each other some about how we're doing with things.


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Hizi
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07 Nov 2021, 7:34 pm

My relationship starts during pandemic so it doesn't really affect us in a bad way. We met online first and we are quite used to long distance relationship. It took me a while to get used to short distance relationships (an hour by train) as it felt like online communications were falling apart while we are in the same timezone.
I probably need to understand myself more as well. I wish I could open up more and express my feelings to people I trust. I have a bad habit of overthinking everything and end up freling anxious. Perhaps some sort of diagnosis would help.