Would you pair up with someone just for status?

Page 2 of 4 [ 59 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Alterity
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Feb 2019
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 601
Location: New England

30 Oct 2021, 9:04 pm

Status, no

But if it were to virtually guarantee that I would have a safe and secure life, and I didn't find the guy objectionable...I'd consider it.


_________________
"Inside the heart of each and every one of us there is a longing to be understood by someone who really cares. When a person is understood, he or she can put up with almost anything in the world."


hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,371
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

31 Oct 2021, 2:30 am

Alterity wrote:
Status, no

But if it were to virtually guarantee that I would have a safe and secure life, and I didn't find the guy objectionable...I'd consider it.


Well that comment has kicked me off my high horse.

I have a large family I can fall back on if anything went wrong. I've never had to live anywhere unsafe. I've been poor. I've been unable to pay my heating bills and suffered a very cold winter one year. I lived in a different house that was horribly damp, but I could move out when the lease was up. I've never been in a situation where I wasn't safe and secure.

I'm asking my question from a privileged place. I'm not living in the part of my city with the best reputation, but I'm also, not in the roughest area. My neighbours are nice and my house is warm. My social skills are not as good as NTs. I don't have a lot of friends, I don't have love, but I have managed to stay employed consistently throughout my adult life.

Given the underemployment and unemployment of many on the spectrum, both male and female that may actually be a decision some have to make.

Can we pair up to get ourselves a safe life? It's a sobering thought.



QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,605

31 Oct 2021, 2:42 am

hurtloam wrote:
Would you date or settle down with someone you didn't really love if they made you look better in the eyes of your family and peers?


I very much would. Already done that back at the day when I was with my ex-s (I wasn't in love with the majority of them). Although its not their actual opinion but rather a "pretend opinion". I don't have any friends so I have no idea what they think. But I guess I respect myself better if I am with someone. So thats at least 1 person, myself. And I am sure there are others too.



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,371
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

31 Oct 2021, 3:05 am

QFT wrote:
Although its not their actual opinion but rather a "pretend opinion".


What do you mean? Not sure I understand that sentence.


QFT wrote:
I don't have any friends so I have no idea what they think. But I guess I respect myself better if I am with someone. So that's at least 1 person, myself. And I am sure there are others


What if having a partner made you appear more socially acceptable to help you get friends?

Not gonna lie, I've considered that. It seems like you become a bit of a pariah as an older single woman and don't get invited to things with your friends who are paired up. They are now ex friends and I've met other people like myself. So I'm glad for my freedom and my better friends.

There was no one available who actually liked me, so I was saved from making a mistake by basically being unattractive, but I might have said yes to someone I wasn't really into if given the opportunity.

Now at 40, I wouldn't. Maybe in my 30s when I had zero interest I would still have said no because I was young enough to hope to meet someone I actually clicked with. Who knows.



maycontainthunder
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,875
Location: Watching the dog watching me

31 Oct 2021, 4:12 am

Status...not exactly. For money I would as long as she shared the same interests and was asexual.


_________________
I've decided that Dog V4 should be my avatar. He's waaay cuter than me!

Note to all: My user ID doesn't mean I'm going to explode at you it just means that I may contain...a different kind of thunder.


theprisoner
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jan 2021
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,059
Location: Britain

31 Oct 2021, 4:27 am

high status ? what like shes rich, she a lawyer at a big firm? what are we talking, shes aristocracy blue blood?

I have to like a person, on some level, and have similar values, otherwise its not going anywhere and i know i will regret it.

But again with asd, nobody is any position to put strict limits on who they date, if they want to find somebody. so i try to be open to all possibilities, and who knows like an arranged marriage, it could work out, be friends at first, then fall in love.


_________________
AQ: 27 Diagnosis:High functioning (just on the cusp of normal.) IQ:131 (somewhat inflated result but ego-flattering) DNA:XY Location: UK. Eyes: Blue. Hair: Brown. Height:6'1 Celebrity I most resemble: Tom hardy. Favorite Band: The Doors. Personality: uhhm ....(what can i say...we asd people are strange)


Texasmoneyman300
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Feb 2021
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,113
Location: Texas

31 Oct 2021, 6:36 am

hurtloam wrote:
Would you date or settle down with someone you didn't really love if they made you look better in the eyes of your family and peers?

Someone said in another thread that they would knock someone back because they would make them look bad, but what about the opposite?

Me, I wouldn't. I'm not really that bothered about what others think. I would rather be happy.

Well I did pair up with a woman from a prominent family because they had a couple ranches and oil wells and thats quite a bit of status where I came from. I also paired up with the daughter of a local oilman for status reasons.However status would not be the only reason why i would marry someone. However I would marry the daughter of a millionaire or billionaire or politician or banker or financier or tv or movie producer or church of Christ religious leader or rancher or oilman if me and her were compatible.But I would not marry soley for status and that sort of thing.However I do want my wife's family to have a ranch and at least be everyday millionaires and come from a similar social background as myself and my family.I do hope my wife's family is in the top one percent of income earners and wealth but it would not be the only reason for the marriage.We would need to actually love each other and have similar values and dreams and life goals.But I would be so miserable if i married someone like a celebrity just for status.However I would pair up with a person for their status in business as a partner or investor in a business .



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,371
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

31 Oct 2021, 8:05 am

I get where you are coming from sort of. Some of my extended family are farmers and I would imagine a non-farmer moving into a farm house as a spouse would find it really tough if they had no experience of that kind of life.

On the flip side Mum found it hard making friends once we moved to a town because her perspective was so different to theirs.

Similar goals are important. Different outlooks can meet in the middle sometimes. It depends how involved and wedded to your lifestyle you already are. Farming is a huge thing.



maycontainthunder
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,875
Location: Watching the dog watching me

31 Oct 2021, 8:21 am

Hurtloam, a farm would be ideal in part for me. Farms have barns and to me a barn is a creative space which is something I crave.


_________________
I've decided that Dog V4 should be my avatar. He's waaay cuter than me!

Note to all: My user ID doesn't mean I'm going to explode at you it just means that I may contain...a different kind of thunder.


hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,371
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

31 Oct 2021, 8:37 am

maycontainthunder wrote:
Hurtloam, a farm would be ideal in part for me. Farms have barns and to me a barn is a creative space which is something I crave.


You need to get up at 5am and milk the cows too though.



maycontainthunder
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,875
Location: Watching the dog watching me

31 Oct 2021, 8:41 am

hurtloam wrote:
maycontainthunder wrote:
Hurtloam, a farm would be ideal in part for me. Farms have barns and to me a barn is a creative space which is something I crave.


You need to get up at 5am and milk the cows too though.


Not if it's an arable farm.....


_________________
I've decided that Dog V4 should be my avatar. He's waaay cuter than me!

Note to all: My user ID doesn't mean I'm going to explode at you it just means that I may contain...a different kind of thunder.


QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,605

31 Oct 2021, 10:00 am

hurtloam wrote:
QFT wrote:
Although its not their actual opinion but rather a "pretend opinion".


What do you mean? Not sure I understand that sentence.


By this I mean that I don't actually know what their standards are, yet I pretend that I do know by pretending their standards are the same as mine.


hurtloam wrote:
QFT wrote:
I don't have any friends so I have no idea what they think. But I guess I respect myself better if I am with someone. So that's at least 1 person, myself. And I am sure there are others


What if having a partner made you appear more socially acceptable to help you get friends?

Not gonna lie, I've considered that. It seems like you become a bit of a pariah as an older single woman and don't get invited to things with your friends who are paired up.


See, in my case I don't get invited to things altogether, and never was my whole life. Thats why its a lot harder to point as to what it is that makes me "not get invited to things". Because for you, you used to get invited and then it stopped. So you can track it down and see when it stopped. But to me it never started to begin with, so a lot harder to track it down.

I guess if I were to start getting invited to things more once I get a girlfriend, that would be my clue. Sadly, when I had girls in the past, I didn't show them off to others. On the contray, during my long term relatinoship over 10 years ago I stopped coming to my bible study because I had to be with my then-girlfriend. Now I feel bad it never occurred to me to take her to my bible study. Maybe my population would have improved.

Speaking of that bible study, I met one of the girls that used to go there here in church despite the fact that I am in a totally different place. She is married now. She was really excited to see me and made comments to her friends from that Bible study how she met me in a desert (that Bible study was in Michigan and I am in New Mexico nowdays). However the bad thing I noticed is that she never asked me whether I am with someone. Now the answer would have been I am single. But the question is: how did she know it without asking? Am I coming across as someone undatable, which is why nobody ever tries to match me up with anyone? And thats part of why I regret I didn't bring my then-girlfriend to that Bible study. Maybe she would have seen me in a different light if I did. I DID try to mention that past girlfriend to her. But she ignored me every time I mention it, so I guess she just assumes it was an imaginary girlfriend.



Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 May 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,932

31 Oct 2021, 10:52 am

hurtloam wrote:
Would you date or settle down with someone you didn't really love if they made you look better in the eyes of your family and peers?

Someone said in another thread that they would knock someone back because they would make them look bad, but what about the opposite?

Me, I wouldn't. I'm not really that bothered about what others think. I would rather be happy.



No I would not date someone because of their status. To me status above or below is meaningless. I am not one for airs or graces because all that is false. I just want to be me.
To me it does not matter if someone is rich or poor. Money is just a tool. It does not define who one is. Social status tries to define who one is according to the value of their wealth and posessions and how one lives and it is all meaningless as the ones who try to befriend others because of their "Social status" are false people who are looking for the wrong things.
I have lived long enough on this earth to know that wealth and money can come and go, but ones good character and good values live on forever.

I have seen people who are poor and who are rich, and some I do not want to know, and yet others I really want to know. It has nothing to do with their wealth. It has everything to do with their values and character. How do they conduct themselves?

I have seen some who are horrible to others who they deem below or above them. Why? To me people are people and ones social status really dones not matter. What matters is that we love one another for who we are.



Benjamin the Donkey
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2017
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,021

31 Oct 2021, 9:04 pm

No.


_________________
"Donkeys live a long time. None of you has ever seen a dead donkey."


Alterity
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Feb 2019
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 601
Location: New England

01 Nov 2021, 10:47 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Alterity wrote:
Status, no

But if it were to virtually guarantee that I would have a safe and secure life, and I didn't find the guy objectionable...I'd consider it.


Well that comment has kicked me off my high horse.

I have a large family I can fall back on if anything went wrong. I've never had to live anywhere unsafe. I've been poor. I've been unable to pay my heating bills and suffered a very cold winter one year. I lived in a different house that was horribly damp, but I could move out when the lease was up. I've never been in a situation where I wasn't safe and secure.

I'm asking my question from a privileged place. I'm not living in the part of my city with the best reputation, but I'm also, not in the roughest area. My neighbours are nice and my house is warm. My social skills are not as good as NTs. I don't have a lot of friends, I don't have love, but I have managed to stay employed consistently throughout my adult life.

Given the underemployment and unemployment of many on the spectrum, both male and female that may actually be a decision some have to make.

Can we pair up to get ourselves a safe life? It's a sobering thought.

What feels safe and secure is going to be a little different from person to person. But certainly there are people out there that are barely surviving in very hard circumstances. Getting married to get out of that? It makes sense to me.

To date I've largely been safe and secure because of my mother. But because of that it does concern me about whether or not that will be something I can maintain for myself, by myself once she is no longer around. So there is a possibility that I could find myself making that kind of decision....ya know if pigs started to fly so that there was someone decent and capable that actually wanted to marry me lmao


_________________
"Inside the heart of each and every one of us there is a longing to be understood by someone who really cares. When a person is understood, he or she can put up with almost anything in the world."


AliceCooper
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 30 Sep 2021
Gender: Male
Posts: 55
Location: America!

02 Nov 2021, 3:10 am

hurtloam wrote:
Would you date or settle down with someone you didn't really love if they made you look better in the eyes of your family and peers?

Someone said in another thread that they would knock someone back because they would make them look bad, but what about the opposite?

Me, I wouldn't. I'm not really that bothered about what others think. I would rather be happy.



I need to be with someone I love and respect. I would never use anyone. I don't give a hoot about status or what anyone thinks of me.


_________________
People talk about Alice being a rebel there was never more of a rebel than Jesus Christ, "You wanna talk about a rebel he was the ultimate. Alice Cooper