Could be the start of a promising friendship...maybe more?

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Lost_dragon
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03 Nov 2021, 6:38 pm

I had an interesting conversation with someone on a dating app recently. We were talking about all kinds of topics; cooking, drawing, gaming, fighting to see who could make the worst pun (it was totally me :P), even about how bad dating apps can be. Apparently we've both had quite the bad time as we were swapping horror stories about catfish and bad dates. We hope to game together in the future and I've set up an online space for us to do so, I can only hope that she doesn't now proceed to fall off the face of the Earth, which is how my conversations usually go. There was also a conversation about how if I promise to help her learn how to make art, she'll teach me how to cook in return (I'm an awful cook, except cake - I make a good cake).

Even if this doesn't work out, I hope we can be friends cause she seems cool. Definitely one of the better conversations I've had on such apps.


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kraftiekortie
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03 Nov 2021, 6:41 pm

Sounds swell!

Reminds me of what Bugs Bunny once said about an incipient romance: "This could be the start of a beautiful friendship."



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03 Nov 2021, 6:44 pm

Lost_dragon wrote:
I can only hope that she doesn't now proceed to fall off the face of the earth, which is how my conversations usually go. .


I think it would add valuable to this blossoming relationship to meet in person. Call me old-fashioned but face to face is so much more enriching than 2D scribbling on your phone. It also might cement the friendship more in that online she might meet somebody else and decide to give you the flick because you are both avatars.



theprisoner
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03 Nov 2021, 6:44 pm

Well, if you don't meet, it wont really go anywhere. And even then....statistically speaking...it could still grow stale


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Lost_dragon
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16 Nov 2021, 7:04 am

Well.

This didn't go anywhere. Can't say I'm entirely surprised. She told me she'd message after work, so I gave it a couple of days only to be met with radio silence. I asked if she was alright, which was met with no response. That was last week. I think that's the problem with dating apps, you don't know what is going on in their life. Whether or not they actually care or whether you messed up by accidentally messaging them too much. Frankly I think this is better than when you match with someone, speak for a couple months, then when you suggest meeting up or going for a date they instantly block you. That's disappointing when it happens.

I think that for some people, they like the idea of a date or a friend in theory, but don't actually want to meet. Rather, just preferring to talk as if you already were. I guess it's comforting without much effort.

Dating apps suck. Yet it can be difficult to meet others in the community, especially if you live in rural middle of nowhere like me. There aren't many people my age here, I usually have to go into the city to see my friends. I do know some people in the LGBT community, I'm friends with a lesbian couple, a gay man, and I know a couple of bisexual women. The latter mostly have boyfriends, but there is one who is single that I am good friends with. However, I don't see her that way, she's more like a sister to me. My friend who is a gay man thinks she might have a crush on me and if that's true...well, that's awkward.

I should've met with the lesbian who another friend tried to introduce me to, but of course I chickened out of that. Dammit me, are you trying to sabotage yourself? She thought you were cute, you could've at least ended up being friends, why didn't you talk to her? Why am I like this?

Gotta admit, I'm a little jealous of straight people sometimes. I'd like to think I'd do better as a straight guy, but if I'm being honest with myself, I'd probably still sabotage myself. Perhaps if I were a straight woman, I'd do alright, but who's to say? It's pointless speculating on such. Frankly I need to get out of my own head and get out more.


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Last edited by Lost_dragon on 16 Nov 2021, 7:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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16 Nov 2021, 7:05 am

Yep….getting out of my head has worked for me.



Muse933277
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21 Nov 2021, 7:16 pm

The fact that you're a lesbian living in a small town, yeah it's going to be pretty tough for you to find someone. ESPECIALLY if the place you're living in is highly conservative, which many small towns are.

I don't think it would necessarily be easier if you were a straight dude though. Straight men actually have it pretty hard with online dating, especially if they're a 5 or below on the looks scale, and then factor in other disabilities such as autism.
You'd have been better off being a straight woman because at least they have more options on online dating and men honestly aren't that picky.

Maybe you just need to move to a bigger city; or consider getting into a long distance relationship.



Lost_dragon
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23 Nov 2021, 8:16 pm

Muse933277 wrote:
The fact that you're a lesbian living in a small town, yeah it's going to be pretty tough for you to find someone.


Yeah you're not wrong. I don't expect to meet anyone who lives in my town, it's a small area with a predominately elderly population. My friends all live in the city, I met most of them at University. Sometimes I miss living there. Not a lot happens in the town. It's scenic but not very eventful.

Muse933277 wrote:
ESPECIALLY if the place you're living in is highly conservative, which many small towns are.


That highly depends on the categories you fall under. I'm treated kindly by the locals, since I fit into accepted groups (upper-middle class, white, straight-passing). Yet I know there's a fair amount of racism and classism that goes on. As for homophobia, I am aware that a local religious group likes to spread hate sometimes. I remember a homophobic leaflet that was passed out in the town about six years ago. We now have a Pride event, but it's fairly disappointing. You have to go into neighbouring cities if you want to go to a decent Pride festival really.

I do have to wonder how things will change in regards to how others will treat me when / if I ever have a girlfriend. A fair amount of straight people read me as straight. I am openly gay to my friends and most of my family. Often I find that others in the community suspect me fairly early on. I hope it doesn't ruin my connection with my aunt-in-law.

Muse933277 wrote:
I don't think it would necessarily be easier if you were a straight dude though. Straight men actually have it pretty hard with online dating, especially if they're a 5 or below on the looks scale, and then factor in other disabilities such as autism.


Oh I know. When my straight male friend tried online dating, he only gained a couple of likes and could not seem to get any matches. Meanwhile, it only took me a week or so to get into high numbers. He didn't have any luck with the online dating scene but he ended up meeting his girlfriend through people he knows. So things worked out in the end for him. The online dating scene (especially Tinder) is heavily male in demographic.

Which is not great for straight men or lesbians. Especially when you're a lesbian and you state that you are a lesbian in your profile, set your settings to women, yet still get men swiping on you. That's why I switched to Her, which is aimed at LGBT women and there are a lot less men there.

Even a fair amount of the women on Tinder were disappointingly straight and just looking for friends or for a third to make their husband happy. My gay male friend similarly tells me that he sees profiles of straight men looking for friends (especially confusing if they have homophobic statements in their bio). It's as if some people don't understand how Tinder works or they just decide to ignore it and do what they want. Even more confusing is when I see people trying to sell unwanted pets or jewellery on there.

Muse933277 wrote:
You'd have been better off being a straight woman because at least they have more options on online dating and men honestly aren't that picky.

Maybe you just need to move to a bigger city; or consider getting into a long distance relationship.


Frankly I think I'd rather be a straight guy than a straight woman, being a straight woman does have the advantage of more choice over potential matches, but quantity does not necessarily mean quality on such apps. I also struggle to imagine myself being happy with my gender as a straight woman, the idea of being in that role...just seems very off to me. Granted, if I were a straight woman I probably wouldn't feel this way but it's odd to think about that.

Anyway, I do plan on moving to the city eventually. When I have the money to do so. I'm still job hunting though. Most of the jobs are in the city, so I'll likely have to travel for work. Train fares aren't too bad, so it's an option. I also need to start learning how to drive soon. Especially with my mum retiring soon, my parents are wanting to go on holiday together now that they're soon to be both retired and my sister is moving out. I'll be spending a fair amount of time alone in the near future and it would be useful to be able to drive so I can visit friends etc. when my parents are on holiday and if I have any spare time when I'm not working.


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CockneyRebel
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26 Nov 2021, 1:07 am

I hope that it turns out to be more for you. You deserve it.


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26 Nov 2021, 8:21 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Sounds swell!

Reminds me of what Bugs Bunny once said about an incipient romance: "This could be the start of a beautiful friendship."


Sounds so sweet. The best relationships start out as friends first. No joke. Just maybe try not to build your hopes up before it's already happened. I've learnt this from dating and friendships. One day at a time. Don't promise yourself this person in particular. Just have faith in time and hope.



Lost_dragon
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27 Nov 2021, 9:07 pm

In the case written about in the original post, it did not work out as I was later ghosted. Sadly, I was getting my hopes up. It happens. Can't say I'm surprised, this is fairly common on dating apps. I'd hoped it would be different, but it is what it is.

Deserve is an odd concept when it comes to romance. I don't think anyone deserves love, as to deserve something implies that it is earned or justified (either through good or bad behaviour such as in the case of a criminal deserving punishment). Yet I do not completely think of it in that way. Love is something that happens to people, it is an experience. I've heard that the more you chase it, the more you try to make it happen, the less likely it is.

Of course, there are different kinds of love. The ancient Greeks had seven different words for love depending on the type. Eros (sexual / physical), Philia (affectionate love towards parents, siblings and friends, especially those with shared experiences), Storge (the emotional connection a parent has with their child), Agape (selfless love), Ludus (playful love), Pragma (long-lasting) and Philautia (self love).

Yet if I made no effort whatsoever, I would be unlikely to find someone. It would be nice to go to a café and do the whole meet-cute thing that happens in films, but that's not reality. A piece of advice I hear a lot is to try out living the life of the type of person you'd like to be with, the type of people you are drawn to. That you might not meet the person you have in mind, but you'll gain new experiences along the way and you might meet someone you like who surprises you. Perhaps there's something to be learnt by following such advice. It would give me an opportunity to reflect more on what draws me to a person, perhaps learning more about myself in the process. :chin:


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Mona Pereth
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28 Nov 2021, 7:48 am

Lost_dragon wrote:
Frankly I think I'd rather be a straight guy than a straight woman, being a straight woman does have the advantage of more choice over potential matches, but quantity does not necessarily mean quality on such apps. I also struggle to imagine myself being happy with my gender as a straight woman, the idea of being in that role...just seems very off to me.

Speaking as a gender-nonconforming bisexual woman, currently in a relationship with a heterosexual man: Being in an other-sex relationship does not necessarily mean conforming to a particular "role."


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Lost_dragon
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28 Nov 2021, 11:49 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Lost_dragon wrote:
Frankly I think I'd rather be a straight guy than a straight woman, being a straight woman does have the advantage of more choice over potential matches, but quantity does not necessarily mean quality on such apps. I also struggle to imagine myself being happy with my gender as a straight woman, the idea of being in that role...just seems very off to me.

Speaking as a gender-nonconforming bisexual woman, currently in a relationship with a heterosexual man: Being in an other-sex relationship does not necessarily mean conforming to a particular "role."


I knew a gender-nonconforming teacher back in school who was happily married to a man, she liked to perform drag and was often fairly butch in presentation. Sometimes I used to wonder how she coped. I used to be made fun of for not being feminine enough, yet whenever I tried to be, it made me uncomfortable. People used to call me a masculine nickname (which I hated), refer to me as he as a joke and tell me that I did not count as a girl. I used to wonder if she had to deal with such pushback, and if she did, then I wondered how she coped.

So I certainly have a great deal of respect for nonconforming individuals. I was more referring to the pressure of conforming to that role, there is often a certain amount of pushback for not doing so, which can be difficult to deal with. Back then, I had two main realisations. The first was that I like women, the other was that I did not like men. At the time, I was almost annoyed at myself, because I'd basically made it my identity that my existence was proof that women did not have to present in a certain way to be straight. Then I ended up not being straight, so I had to re-evaluate my self-image. I had fallen down the 'I'm not like other girls' internet rabbit hole which prided itself in being better than others and centred itself around male validation.

Even though I did not feel attracted to the guys around me, I still wanted them to find me attractive because I found it validating. I remember a male teacher trying to comfort me by telling me that it was a good thing I was not on the radar of a group of teenage boys who were making demeaning remarks about women. Yet all I heard was you're not attractive enough. Of course, it was messed up to long for being demeaned, but I felt like my womanhood was being ignored. Yet I couldn't relate to the expectations. I remember my old dance teacher who would make us do etiquette lessons on how to grow up be proper ladies and I used to annoy her by being a rebel.

Gradually, I started to realise that I did not dislike femininity, rather I was actually attracted to it and that freaked me out. So I deliberately distanced myself from it, rationalising that I was too cool for other girls. That I just understood boys better, which is why I never felt nervous around them. I even wrote poetry from a male perspective about women and rationalised it as an exercise of empathy, rather than the real reason of wanting to write about women. The cognitive distance was quite something.

When I later accepted myself, I actually felt more comfortable presenting as feminine and having close female friendships as well as male friendships. I realised that I could be feminine for myself, that how masculine or feminine I presented didn't have to be about male validation and instead could be a form of self-expression. Sometimes I like to wear more androgynous styles, I like to switch between the two. I would be disappointed if I were restricted to one or the other.

There are days where I wonder what my expression would be like if I hadn't had the realisation that I am not straight. If I had been straight, would I have fought against the roles placed on me so much? Or would I have been comfortable? The appeal of the 'I'm not like other girls' culture was that it gave me a convenient excuse to rationalise my feelings away. What if I had been bi? How would that have changed things? What would be my relationship with male validation? I guess that's what I mean by having a difficult time imagining myself in such a role. Since my experiences were fundamentally impacted by my attractions and lack thereof. If I found myself attracted to a guy, then I would have no issue switching labels and identifying as bisexual and dating him, but it would put a lot of my past experiences in a new light, which would take some getting used to.


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