Bereavement in a no-contact relationship

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This one's kind of hard to explain.

My daughter's father and his entire side of the family stopped talking to my daughter a few years ago. They're all narcissists but it was their own choice to go no-contact with my daughter, and my ex went so far as to disown her in a court of law (after having sued her --- lovely people they are).

My daughter received a cryptic message from her cousin (who also doesn't speak to her), insinuating that the grandmother is dying. There's no reason why her father couldn't have contacted her (us) himself instead of requiring his niece to make vague hints, and carry the responsibility.

Has anyone here had to deal with the loss of a family member after they went no-contact with you?

My daughter has no idea what to do. If she goes to hospital they will all be there, and they'll turn it around to guilt-trip her for not being in contact or not knowing that her grandmother was dying. Of course that's ridiculous ... but that's how narcissists think. It's never their own fault.

Ideas on what she's supposed to do? She didn't even reply to her cousin or she'll be sucked into their weird web of mindgames and shamed for being a terrible person.

Simple. What’s the point in any contact at all in this situation? Different altogether if we were talking about loving, meaningful relationships among family members. Narcs “use” us to benefit them. It’s a game, a trap that only harms us, ultimately.

She should just ignore them.....

Thanks Jules. I agree.

The grandmother hasn't spoken to my daughter or even sent birthday / Christmas wishes for several years. She stopped communicating even before the court thing began with my ex.

My daughter has serious health problems of her own, but none of them made a single inquiry as to how she's doing. They didn't even reach out when Covid began despite the fact my daughter is severely immunocompromised and at extremely high risk.

Crickets.

But -- now she'll be portrayed as heartless if she doesn't respond. She said she refuses to feel guilty about it, and she won't let them manipulate her. I know it will eat at her though. It's all going to trigger her about how terribly they've treated her in the last few years, and reopen old wounds.

"Just ignore them" is fine and that's what she'll do. The emotional fallout of knowing your father, aunts, and grandmother are abusive narcissists is worse than being bereaved.

I guess I'm just venting more than anything.

Both of my parents have lost parents after going no-contact with them. The grief is real. I think it's partly mourning who they could have been, and the opportunity for redemption that they never took and now never will. Plus, just because someone hurt you and you needed to cut them out doesn't necessarily mean that you stop loving them.

Thanks Ettina. I"m sorry to hear your parents both went through something similar.

My daughter didn't initiate the no-contact. It was never her choice. They know our address, our landline number, my email, her email, etc., and the grandmother is even on Facebook but won't speak to her.

I agree she will grieve for her grandmother when the time comes. It's the peripheral family members who will gang up on her if she opens this window by responding to the message. The pain there is real and despite years of trauma therapy she's still coming to terms with the way they treat(ed) her, and trying to accept the fact they cut her from the family. She didn't ask for any of this. She's only trying to tread water and stay afloat, having been thrown under the bus by a large and very abusive group of people.

What i would do if it were me...try to look at things objectively. Evaluate the situation to see if their actions are right or wrong. coming from a true place, or malicious. i can be quite defiant if i think somebody trying to manipulate, coerce me, influence me, emotional blackmail me etc. and if they pushed me or really wronged me it would only steel my heart towards them.

I would have my mind made up. Luckily my family are not jerks and so it would never come to that. Suing relatives is just ridiculous. The height of callousness. Unthinkable. You shouldn't have to put up with that. I personally would cut my ties, just forget they exist. but not everybody can do that.