Should you "stay in your lane" when dating?

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TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB
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16 Nov 2021, 3:45 pm

Should you "stay in your lane" when dating?



Fnord
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16 Nov 2021, 3:47 pm

TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB wrote:
Should you "stay in your lane" when dating?
Elaborate, please.



TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB
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16 Nov 2021, 4:08 pm

Fnord wrote:
TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB wrote:
Should you "stay in your lane" when dating?
Elaborate, please.


@Fnord

Neurodiverse people "lane" and avoid NTs



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16 Nov 2021, 4:13 pm

TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB wrote:
Fnord wrote:
TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB wrote:
Should you "stay in your lane" when dating?
Elaborate, please.
@Fnord: Neurodiverse people "lane" and avoid NTs
Then my answer is 'No'.  It is possible to meet and marry an NT who is intelligent and educated enough to appreciate differences, whether they be neurological, cultural, racial, spiritual, et cetera.  There is no reason to limit one's self to a narrowly-defined set of standards, unless those standards reject people who are inherently dangerous.



TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB
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16 Nov 2021, 4:46 pm

Fnord wrote:
TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB wrote:
Fnord wrote:
TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB wrote:
Should you "stay in your lane" when dating?
Elaborate, please.
@Fnord: Neurodiverse people "lane" and avoid NTs
Then my answer is 'No'.  It is possible to meet and marry an NT who is intelligent and educated enough to appreciate differences, whether they be neurological, cultural, racial, spiritual, et cetera.  There is no reason to limit one's self to a narrowly-defined set of standards, unless those standards reject people who are inherently dangerous.


@Fnord

Ok I guess I've only had success with intelligent and educated people, I guess it's always about the individual you should never rule anyone out with a predetermined criteria, you never know who you might have chemistry with.



nick007
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17 Nov 2021, 12:31 pm

I have noticed that I tend to get along a lot better with people who are more like me than people who are the polar opposite of me. There is a famous saying that goes, "Opposites Attract" (it's also a great Paula Abdul song BTW) but I tend to be much more attracted to women who are more like me than women who are very different from me. I'm sure being able to relate to each other is a HUGE reason why. That said there are exceptions & I only had a few dealbreakers I would of ruled someone out for if I thought she was interested in me.


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ProfessorJohn
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17 Nov 2021, 1:28 pm

Most research does not support the opposites attract idea.



Fnord
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17 Nov 2021, 1:40 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
Most research does not support the opposites attract idea.
There is no need to research the obvious...

Image

Image

Image



Ettina
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17 Nov 2021, 4:55 pm

Fnord wrote:
ProfessorJohn wrote:
Most research does not support the opposites attract idea.
There is no need to research the obvious...


Random examples don't prove a statistical trend.



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17 Nov 2021, 4:57 pm

Ettina wrote:
Fnord wrote:
ProfessorJohn wrote:
Most research does not support the opposites attract idea.
There is no need to research the obvious...
Random examples don't prove a statistical trend.
I never claimed a statistical trend; nor have I ever claimed that only opposites attract.

Some people are looking only for a refection of themselves.  Some are not.


:shrug:



nick007
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18 Nov 2021, 12:43 am

Fnord wrote:
Ettina wrote:
Fnord wrote:
ProfessorJohn wrote:
Most research does not support the opposites attract idea.
There is no need to research the obvious...
Random examples don't prove a statistical trend.
I never claimed a statistical trend; nor have I ever claimed that only opposites attract.

Some people are looking only for a refection of themselves.  Some are not.


:shrug:
Some people like opposites because they can compensate for all of each others strenghts & weaknesses. I sometimes see that on this forum where some Aspies want a partner who is an extroverted NT to compensate for their poor social skills. That can require lots of compromising & lead to lots of conflict, especially if both people have vary different lifestyles & wants & needs like if one person wants to go out & socialize with their partner along & the other wants to stay home & be left alone in their room.


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18 Nov 2021, 1:03 am

I think someone similar might be able to understand me better, and I might be able to understand them better too. Or at the very least, my natural ways of communicating and behaving might not cause so much instant ill-feeling.

If you're going down the "opposites attract" route hoping for some degree of balancing and compensation, it needs to give equal benefits on both sides.

Sadly in my experience most confident, cheerful, sociable, extroverted NTs don't have much to gain from insecure, gloomy, antisocial, introverted Aspies, except perhaps a heightened awareness of the vulnerability they create by being over-confident. But most people like that prefer to be over-confident, thanks very much, and to be fair to them it does seem to work.

I've dated a number of women who would be considered out of my league. And rightly so, as it turned out. Mainly because I was always massively insecure and jinxed those relationships from the outset, when in practice if I'd been less nervous of failure / abandonment they *might* have worked out ok (who knows?).

I've basically given up now, as I can't stand the whole possibility of finding someone nice and then basically making them increasingly miserable for 2 years.

Perhaps I wouldn't make a fellow Aspie miserable, but I don't often get to meet them, so IDK. Ironically, of the few opposite sex friendships I have, it's generally tomboy bi and lesbian girls I get on with the most. Because we have some shared interests (music, mechanical things, DIY, fashion, ethics, attitude) and there's also no pressure to mask or impress.



TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB
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18 Nov 2021, 11:57 am

nick007 wrote:
I have noticed that I tend to get along a lot better with people who are more like me than people who are the polar opposite of me. There is a famous saying that goes, "Opposites Attract" (it's also a great Paula Abdul song BTW) but I tend to be much more attracted to women who are more like me than women who are very different from me. I'm sure being able to relate to each other is a HUGE reason why. That said there are exceptions & I only had a few dealbreakers I would of ruled someone out for if I thought she was interested in me.


@nick007

The idea that "opposites attract" in relationships is a myth. In reality, people tend to be attracted to those who are similar to themselves.



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18 Nov 2021, 12:06 pm

TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB wrote:
The idea that "opposites attract" in relationships is a myth...
No, it happens.

I am a plain-looking white American male with an electrical engineering degree and interests in amateur radio and role-playing games.

My wife is a beautiful Philippine woman with a divinity degree and interests police dramas and serving the church.

Are you saying that we are mythical?

Some opposites do attract, and some do not.  Some people are attracted only to those who share the exact same interests, and some are not.  The fact that someone has experienced only one kind of attraction does not mean that everyone else has experienced -- or should experience -- the same kind of attraction.



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18 Nov 2021, 12:24 pm

As long as one is driving on the rigt side of the road one should be ok. It is when one drives on the wrong side of the road is when accidents happen.

I am not sure what this has to do with dating?



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18 Nov 2021, 12:49 pm

↑ In this context, the phrase references the idea that a person should stick with his or her own kind when dating.