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Blue Jay
Blue Jay

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Joined: 4 May 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 90
Location: Los Angeles, CA (USA)

17 Nov 2021, 9:07 am

I have been tight lipped, about this gripe and qualm for a while. I can no longer be, and to my knowledge, this topic on this section hasn't been talked about. Well not recently, and instead of bumping an old thread, if this topic was even discussed prior, which I doubt, for this particular issue, I'll just open up a new topic and discussion. First, some back story on me.

I'm an African-American/Black, autistic gay man. I work as a writer/journalist. I have published some stuff, and books, which you can lurk my past posts, to find my material. Born and raised in the Los Angeles area, where I live. I am 30 years old, I'll be 31 in a couple months, but I feel due to being black, to some people, I can pass much younger, early 20s, and my speaking voice, I could probably pass younger than that, like 19, as my speaking voice has not changed, from since I was 14 etc. It's quite high pitched etc.

Anyways, I'm into all types music, (but I love R&B/jazz/blues/soul/neo-soul/disco/funk/hip hop/rap, eurodance, europop, latin music, jpop, kpop, new wave, alternative rock, classic rock, and house music above all though lol), I love collecting vinyl records. I like dancing, hip hop dancing, breakdancing, gymnastics, Dance Dance Revolution, lol, I like puzzle and strategy video games, I like classic cinema and classic sitcoms, and tv shows. I like to watch The Three Stooges, and I Love Lucy, Hee-Haw, and Little House on The Prairie, and The Rifleman, Gunsmoke, and Bonanza. But I also like more modern stuff, more appropriate for my generation, lol; I like Mad TV, Reno 911, Arrested Development, Malcolm in the Middle etc. so yeah lol. I like old animation shows, like Daria and Beavis and Butthead. Not really into the Simpsons or Family Guy anymore. I was when I was younger, I feel they are too edgy now. etc. I love movies too. I like to exercise, and I like hiking and walks on the beach. I like to smoke marijuana occasionally lol, and I love animals, (I have two cats myself. I like dogs as well, and hope to get a dog soon someday), and outdoors and nature. Okay, that's my whole profile lol.

At the moment, I'm single, and I would like a boyfriend, companion, partner, significant other, or spouse, very much. It would be nice to find someone. I have never had a boyfriend, or been in love, or in a relationship. Just dating is hard being black and gay, and also autistic. I have been to many events, functions, bars, clubs, asked guys out. It's always no, and they always reject me, and sometimes, they treat me very badly, or belittle me, or show or give hints for me to leave them alone and to stop talking to them etc. It's terrible. I don't use dating apps, but it's essentially the same. Just silent treatment, or guys that are clearly catfishes or fake, or just wanting sexual rendezvous, and nothing serious. So yeah. I don't know if it's racism, with gay male dating, and the gay community, or what. (Coupled with my autism.) But, I don't know.

So I'm kinda introverted as well. I like to use Youtube and social media to people watch. I kinda crush and infatuate and lust easily lol. There is this youtuber (whom I'm not gonna name or link his channel), he is just absolutely my type. He's like a mix between Jim Carrey/Patton Oswald/Matt LeBlanc (Joey from friends.) We are about the same age, he's just a delight, and I love his sense of humor, I love like little quirks and habits he does. I like his mojo and attitude. I like certain facial expressions he does etc. He's also like open minded/liberal, from what I can recall and gather. etc.

I also feel, through certain clues (takes one to know one I guess lol), he's very atypical, and I'm not necessarily saying he's, you know, but yeah. He does daily vlogs, and he works as a computer programmer/and he's in tech. I notice in his vlogs, for his lunch break, he always goes to Taco Bell usually. Which is an atypical clue, which I myself am guilty of. We like routine, and to me, it's turkey or tuna subs, or meatball heroes at Subway, on my lunch break. He also has to watch his football or baseball games on the weekends, and doesn't want to be bothered, while he's watching the game, lol.

I just seem really drawn to him. Except, he's very much straight, as he talks about his struggles with dating women, and I feel he's such a nice charming guy, and I have to respect that he doesn't swing that way, and I'm sure he's going to find someone nice. But if only he were, gay or bisexual, I would totally date him. But, Alas. lol.

So after dragging all that in, I just really hate how being gay, when you come across someone you are really connected to and feeling, and they may also possibly be atypical as well, it sucks that they are straight, and wouldn't be interested in you, but yeah.

I just wonder if there is a guy out there for me. I'm sure there is. He's waiting for me, and I'm waiting for him. When we join forces, it's going to be fantastic and magical and lovely. I just know. Just saying optimistic and positive, and keeping hope alive.

Just wanted to bring this discussion up, and how to deal with it, and manage it. Yeah. Thank you. :)



jimmyboy76453
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Joined: 18 Mar 2015
Age: 40
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Posts: 590
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18 Nov 2021, 12:44 pm

First off, thank you for being so open and vulnerable. That probably took some courage, and I'm glad that you shared.
Secondly, you sound like a very nice person with some qualities that I'm sure lots of guys would find attractive, so keep your chin up, I'm confident that you'll find someone out there who will fall in love with you. (That person is not me. I'm happily married to a wonderful husband).

I have a few thoughts and suggestions, and I'll try to make them brief and hopefully I get through them all.
My first thought is never try to change a straight guy or hold out hope that he might have secret gay feelings. It never works. I get crushes like you do on public figures or celebrities or just people I meet in real life (yes, even though I'm married; that person becomes like a special interest to me). But all they are is a fun distraction. They're not real and eventually, I move on to someone else. Enjoy your Youtube crush but don't expect it to ever be anything more. And the same if you know someone in real life who doesn't show that kind of interest in you.

For example, a few years ago I had a crush on the UPS guy that delivered every day to my office. He was handsome and friendly and funny, and he would hang around for a few minutes and talk to me and my coworker. He was straight and had a wife and kids, but I was just really attracted to him. I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, so I didn't try to flirt with him or do anything creepy. I just enjoyed the work friendship that we had. Eventually, his route changed and he didn't deliver to my office anymore and I haven't seen him since. He came up on my Facebook once but I didn't friend him. If I had tried to flirt or asked him on a date, it would've been a disaster and ruined the friendship we had.

My second thought is that you shouldn't get too desperate to find love. It drives people off. Dating someone is good, but it's also hard work, and there are good things about being single, too. Have fun living the life you have now instead of wishing for the life you think you want. A person who is happy is much more attractive than a person who is desperate to be in a relationship.

My third thought, related to the last one, is to stop trying to find love and let it find you. I met my husband at our local pizza shop. I was working there and he walked in to get some pizza. Not at a bar or a gay event or club or online. Most straight and gay people I know in the best relationships met their husbands/wives at normal, everyday places when they weren't looking for anyone. I think you can find the best guys when you're not looking for them. The perfect guy for you could be anywhere. But in my experience, bars and dating apps are terrible places to meet anyone if you want to seriously date them and not just have sex. For gay guys especially, dating apps seem like they're just full of meaningless hookups and so are gay bars. Guys there just want to have sex and never talk again. And, being black, you might find that lots of guys just want to make a fetish out of your race, which I think is terrible because they aren't really seeing you as a person.

My next thought, also related to the second and third, is that you should take the time while you're single to love yourself and try to be the best version of you that you can be. Enjoy your hobbies, make friends (if you want), try new things. Learn about yourself and the things that you want out of life and then go for them. Look at yourself in the mirror and decide if there are things you want to change and things you can make your peace with. I don't mean you have to go on a diet or start working out, but if that makes you feel better about yourself than that's what you should do. Maybe that means going back to school (but it sounds like you have a job you like) or joining a hobby club or doing something you've always wanted to try.

For example, I'm a beekeeper. I started beekeeping about 5 years ago. It's something I've always been interested in but scared to try. I took a class and joined a beekeeping club, and now I love it. I've made some really good friends that way, and I have something that's different and interesting about me.

For another example, I've always been skinny and I hated it. Then I joined a gym and started working out. I'm still skinnier than the hardcore gym guys, but I have a decent body shape and I feel WAYYYY better about who I am. I work out at home now, but I keep it up because it makes me feel good. You might be different; maybe a gym isn't for you or maybe it is. But you should do whatever you need to do to feel good about yourself and to be the person you would want to date. Don't look for Prince Charming, be your own Prince Charming so the right guy will see you when he comes along. A guy who is comfortable with himself as a person is extremely attractive.

I hope all this was helpful and not confusing.


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Blue Jay
Blue Jay

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Joined: 4 May 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 90
Location: Los Angeles, CA (USA)

19 Nov 2021, 6:37 pm

jimmyboy76453 wrote:
First off, thank you for being so open and vulnerable. That probably took some courage, and I'm glad that you shared.
Secondly, you sound like a very nice person with some qualities that I'm sure lots of guys would find attractive, so keep your chin up, I'm confident that you'll find someone out there who will fall in love with you. (That person is not me. I'm happily married to a wonderful husband).

I have a few thoughts and suggestions, and I'll try to make them brief and hopefully I get through them all.
My first thought is never try to change a straight guy or hold out hope that he might have secret gay feelings. It never works. I get crushes like you do on public figures or celebrities or just people I meet in real life (yes, even though I'm married; that person becomes like a special interest to me). But all they are is a fun distraction. They're not real and eventually, I move on to someone else. Enjoy your Youtube crush but don't expect it to ever be anything more. And the same if you know someone in real life who doesn't show that kind of interest in you.

For example, a few years ago I had a crush on the UPS guy that delivered every day to my office. He was handsome and friendly and funny, and he would hang around for a few minutes and talk to me and my coworker. He was straight and had a wife and kids, but I was just really attracted to him. I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, so I didn't try to flirt with him or do anything creepy. I just enjoyed the work friendship that we had. Eventually, his route changed and he didn't deliver to my office anymore and I haven't seen him since. He came up on my Facebook once but I didn't friend him. If I had tried to flirt or asked him on a date, it would've been a disaster and ruined the friendship we had.

My second thought is that you shouldn't get too desperate to find love. It drives people off. Dating someone is good, but it's also hard work, and there are good things about being single, too. Have fun living the life you have now instead of wishing for the life you think you want. A person who is happy is much more attractive than a person who is desperate to be in a relationship.

My third thought, related to the last one, is to stop trying to find love and let it find you. I met my husband at our local pizza shop. I was working there and he walked in to get some pizza. Not at a bar or a gay event or club or online. Most straight and gay people I know in the best relationships met their husbands/wives at normal, everyday places when they weren't looking for anyone. I think you can find the best guys when you're not looking for them. The perfect guy for you could be anywhere. But in my experience, bars and dating apps are terrible places to meet anyone if you want to seriously date them and not just have sex. For gay guys especially, dating apps seem like they're just full of meaningless hookups and so are gay bars. Guys there just want to have sex and never talk again. And, being black, you might find that lots of guys just want to make a fetish out of your race, which I think is terrible because they aren't really seeing you as a person.

My next thought, also related to the second and third, is that you should take the time while you're single to love yourself and try to be the best version of you that you can be. Enjoy your hobbies, make friends (if you want), try new things. Learn about yourself and the things that you want out of life and then go for them. Look at yourself in the mirror and decide if there are things you want to change and things you can make your peace with. I don't mean you have to go on a diet or start working out, but if that makes you feel better about yourself than that's what you should do. Maybe that means going back to school (but it sounds like you have a job you like) or joining a hobby club or doing something you've always wanted to try.

For example, I'm a beekeeper. I started beekeeping about 5 years ago. It's something I've always been interested in but scared to try. I took a class and joined a beekeeping club, and now I love it. I've made some really good friends that way, and I have something that's different and interesting about me.

For another example, I've always been skinny and I hated it. Then I joined a gym and started working out. I'm still skinnier than the hardcore gym guys, but I have a decent body shape and I feel WAYYYY better about who I am. I work out at home now, but I keep it up because it makes me feel good. You might be different; maybe a gym isn't for you or maybe it is. But you should do whatever you need to do to feel good about yourself and to be the person you would want to date. Don't look for Prince Charming, be your own Prince Charming so the right guy will see you when he comes along. A guy who is comfortable with himself as a person is extremely attractive.

I hope all this was helpful and not confusing.


Yes it was. Thank you. :)