All My Life I Had Been Searching...

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All through my life I had been searching to find someone who understood what I was going through. I found that for the first time in my life that I found anyone was when I went to an autism open day and met the psycologist and other staff. No one else ever knew, though my Mum was half way to knowing. Of course God knows! (But this is the reason why being a Christian is important to me. I can talk to God and He knows what I am going through).

Other people say they know what I mean and what I am going through but when they then talk it becomes clear that they don't know and they don't have a clue, and this is even past doctors who just were not able to comprehend or relate... Even though I tried and tried to explain things like the shutdowns and they tried to understand. They kept going off on their own tangents and would not listen to what I said. It was like they knew what it must be and they tried to label me with things that were not what it was, and when I told them why it was not what they thought it was I would get an angry response as if I was challenging their expertize!

Why did it take around 47 to 48 years to find someone who knew what I was going through? How can ordinary doctors be trained to know the symptoms I had were related to shutsowns? Yes, I know this has still yet to be confirmed as I need to be assessed first, but I am 100% sure it is what they are. They fit one of the descriptions so well that I thought it was something that I wrote.

I would absolutely hate to repeat my schooling life again. I did not really care what qualifications I got because for me, getting out of the education system was my goal, and I was stupid to spend an extra two years in collage because I could not explain myself, and had no aims and did not know what I wanted to do... And I was told that collage was better then school, and yet it was even worse, and I don't blame any of the teachers or pupils, even the few teachers and bullies who bullied me. It is just how it is when one has a school or collage enviroment. I would be so much better if I had been home schooled but the past is the past. I did learn and I am greatful, but at the same time looking back can be painful.
The reason why I say this is that it breaks my heart to think how many children are going through school having the fear and stress and anxiety that I did. (I was not openly able to always show my emotions as they sat inside me unable to come out). How many others need to be rescued? If only I could do something?
And how does one find them when openly they may say one thing to please others like I did via masking, but secretly they are being daily tortured in an enviroment that is inwardly destructive to them?
How can we tell who is daily living in this fear and the others who just don't like school which is kind of most of them. Haha! And that is just the teachers!
But seriously. How can we reach them and change their lives as I would have gladly traded every qualification I ever had to have prevented myself going through the daily torture of the education experience, and I know it was for my good and yes, I did learn so much.... But if I was able to learn in an enviroment which was more tollerable to me I would have avoided so much... Or do we need this experience to prepare us for adult life? I can't decide.

This is my experience with psychologists!

They half-listen, they come out with a pet theory, and then they get irritated and/or angry if I don’t view it as some kind of revelation. In fact, the whole damn thing is almost in religious terms, from their perspective.

They think of it as Truth with a capital T. They hugely want me to accept the label, almost as if I’m confessing to being a sinner.

Okay, it sounds like you’ve had better experiences with psychologists than with regular MD doctors such as an internist.

I’ve had the opposite in this regard.

Where we might agree is the importance of telling people— Hey, you have a choice. There are a variety of people who might potentially help you.

Your path is divergent, (and you find it filled with thorns) yet your find refuge in the most common of rest stops.... [/metaphor...or is a it simile?]

Ther truly is a time for everything …

School or formal education isn't for everyone. It certainly wasn't for me. I had serious behaviour problems. I couldn't sit in a classroom and learn like the majority of people around me. I was a complete distraction and in the end I got kicked out and got sent to an approved school by the courts. All this was in spite of me really making an effort with my behaviour but I just couldn't help myself and unfortunately for me nobody intervened either. This did used to baffle me because I'm pretty certain that I would recognise a child who clearly cannot help themselves. Looking back my behaviour was off the scale but also I was displaying autistic type behaviour too. The other kids thought it was great and I was quite popular but that's the only plus side. Apart from that I learned not one thing from the whole of my school days.

The approved school was a different matter. Smaller classes, kids in the same or a similar situation to me and from similar backgrounds as well and staff and teachers that were better equipped to deal with children with behaviour issues. The trouble with this was that I did actually have to get kicked out of mainstream school to get put there and I had also racked up quite a substantial criminal record and spent a certain amount of time sleeping rough in order for the courts to determine that I was at risk.

I think these days people with different learning needs and behaviour are catered for more in mainstream schools but I still reckon a lot go unnoticed and still get written off.

When you're in the minority of the minorities, no one in the immediate vicinity can understand, much less spell out what you know to be true. Even if a small number of people are experiencing the same feelings, they're in the same boat as you...confused with no one to talk to, and can't share their feelings.

Think of it that way...back then you couldn't be available to others who were like you (you were confused enough in your own right). Likewise, those like you couldn't be available to you. The wide-world had us all confused and silent.

Thank God for the Internet.

am sorry you went through those experiences MG.... And it is,a shame that schooling has not kept up
with societies growth .Even medicine has barely kept up i feel .