Recovery after being stalked

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Relax_on_Standby
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19 Nov 2021, 8:35 pm

Been in a long-term situation where I have a woman diagnosed with BPD that feels like I owe her my time, even after she rejected my advances because she didn't want to hurt me. I met her at a grocery store we used to work at. What ended up happening was us having a falling out where I started avoiding her and blocked her from texting me, just treated her in a professional business manner. I used to go to the skate park and she started showing up and watching me without saying anything and I was too scared to say anything for the longest time. Eventually I confronted her and things got really akward at work but she never stopped watching me every night, only after that she'd bring her guy friends and talk trash or cuss me out like I was the one stalking her. A whole bunch of stuff happened and I quit the job we shared and stopped skating. Shortly after I quit she transfered and got fired for stealing from her new store.

Five years later I got my old job back and what I expected she starts showing up there spending a ridiculous amount of time browsing the shelves but never buying anything. My coworkers that knew her said that she hadn't come into that store since I quit and randomly started coming in when I was rehired. I ended up quitting again after she tried to talk to me after who I think was her boyfriend walked away and I was in the middle of something and walked past her into the stores back room. I walk out and she's screaming at her boyfriends kid so angrily that she was spitting, from what I saw the kid was just standing still not even doing anything.

To end this post I need to say, what the heck does she want from me after ten years of this? I want to get in a relationship but now I feel like I have too much baggage.


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kraftiekortie
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19 Nov 2021, 10:19 pm

Tell her to leave you alone; otherwise you’ll call the police.

This might work.

I used to have somebody making threatening phone calls for years.



OutUponATreeBranch
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19 Nov 2021, 11:19 pm

The threat may be enough. This sounds more like bullying than stalking, but it's so strange I can't be sure. Anyway, get that police report going when you're ready.



Relax_on_Standby
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20 Nov 2021, 12:02 am

OutUponATreeBranch wrote:
The threat may be enough. This sounds more like bullying than stalking, but it's so strange I can't be sure. Anyway, get that police report going when you're ready.

I think both. Sometimes I think she's a psychopath. She's threatened me before and at the time I thought she was just splitting but...

She is very narcissistic. When I confronted her she came into work on her day off with a guy then called my name, the started making out with him, called me a freak as she walked by. Like a week later I was on a cash register and she comes up to me when I was in a order and said she needed to talk to me. I said in a minute and focused on the customer. Seconds later I hear screaming and banging in the woman's restroom right in front of my register and my manager stood in the doorway and I heard her ask what's wrong, I look up and the girl says to the manager "he's so mad at me he won't even look at me, just because I didn't say hi to him at the skatepark!" When I confronted her I tried to be gentle and I confessed that I was autistic, her reaction was to say that she had her daughter tested but it was negative...the ended it by saying thank God she's not a freak!" I didn't want to bring it up but I came across her posts on a specific forum talking about her watching me every night and that I was ignoring her. That's the main reason I felt like I needed to confront her but she went in defensive mode and denied it....except for months later in person when she was the only person available to cash my paycheck she told me to stop reading her posts.

Idk, 10 years of drama and I just can't bring myself to get in another relationship.


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20 Nov 2021, 12:47 am

Is this causing you undue stress and do you feel threatened? If so you may want to take a screenshot of that post for the cops.

It doesn't sound like you want to go down that road, but if she's really stalking you you need to do something about it.

Take a break from relationships but don't give up on them entirely :) Take what you've learned from this and check women you go on a date with for any red flags.



Mona Pereth
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23 Nov 2021, 4:35 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Tell her to leave you alone; otherwise you’ll call the police.

With this I disagree. Calling the police is something one should just do, not threaten to do. And one should call the police ONLY after collecting plenty of evidence.

If you THREATEN to call the police, you alert the other person to get busy defending themselves by discrediting you, e.g. by manufacturing fake evidence.


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23 Nov 2021, 5:07 am

Yes call the police, harassment. collect evidence etc. If that doesnt work you could always break her jaw. she sounds deranged, so escalation is real problem. But maybe if you had intimidated her in the first place it might have averted her hysterics and strange behavior. But then again if she bpd , your first mistake was knowing her in first place. and not firmly telling she stepping over the line. she must think your a pushover and weak, have no boundaries, are incapable of retaliation, or you've violated her pride in some way, and she cant let go, she seems malignantly obsessed with manipulating you. You really need some kind of advocate who got your back.


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Mona Pereth
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23 Nov 2021, 5:19 am

Relax_on_Standby wrote:
Been in a long-term situation where I have a woman diagnosed with BPD that feels like I owe her my time, even after she rejected my advances because she didn't want to hurt me. I met her at a grocery store we used to work at. What ended up happening was us having a falling out where I started avoiding her and blocked her from texting me, just treated her in a professional business manner.

Was this avoidance/blocking preceded by you telling her, explicitly, that you didn't want to be more than co-workers with her anymore? Or did you just start avoiding/blocking her without warning?

It's one thing to ghost or block a complete stranger. Ghosting or blocking a co-worker, or someone you otherwise have no choice but to associate with IRL, inevitably leads to all manner of awkwardness, it seems to me.

This doesn't excuse her subsequent stalking behavior. But it might be relevant to figuring out how best to confront her one last time, if you choose to do so.

Relax_on_Standby wrote:
I used to go to the skate park and she started showing up and watching me without saying anything and I was too scared to say anything for the longest time. Eventually I confronted her

What was this confrontation like? What did you say to her, and how did she respond?

Relax_on_Standby wrote:
To end this post I need to say, what the heck does she want from me after ten years of this? I want to get in a relationship but now I feel like I have too much baggage.

I don't know enough about the situation to know whether it would be a good idea for you to confront her again at this point. If you do, you might ask her what she wants from you.

In any case, either instead of or after this hypothetical final confrontation, you should probably let her know in writing that you will deem any further contact from her to be harassment. In at least some jurisdictions, telling her that (and being able to prove you told her that) is a legal precondition for pressing harassment charges against her later, should you ever decide to do that.


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ezbzbfcg2
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23 Nov 2021, 5:30 am

theprisoner wrote:
But then again if she bpd , your first mistake was knowing her in first place. and not firmly telling she stepping over the line. she must think your a pushover and weak, have no boundaries, are incapable of retaliation, or you've violated her pride in some way, and she cant let go, she seems malignantly obsessed with manipulating you. You really need some kind of advocate who got your back.


Telling BPD they've stepped over the line can actually cause such escalation.

Regardless, society being the way it is, she probably knows she's much more capable of getting away with such antics. He's much less likely to have such a theoretical advocated. My advice would actually be to turn on the cell phone video camera and start recording whenever she's around. If she does try something menacing or homicidal, the video can at least add credence to his word.



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23 Nov 2021, 5:32 am

Relax_on_Standby wrote:
Been in a long-term situation where I have a woman diagnosed with BPD that feels like I owe her my time, even after she rejected my advances because she didn't want to hurt me. I met her at a grocery store we used to work at. What ended up happening was us having a falling out where I started avoiding her and blocked her from texting me, just treated her in a professional business manner. I used to go to the skate park and she started showing up and watching me without saying anything and I was too scared to say anything for the longest time. Eventually I confronted her and things got really akward at work but she never stopped watching me every night, only after that she'd bring her guy friends and talk trash or cuss me out like I was the one stalking her. A whole bunch of stuff happened and I quit the job we shared and stopped skating. Shortly after I quit she transfered and got fired for stealing from her new store.

Five years later I got my old job back and what I expected she starts showing up there spending a ridiculous amount of time browsing the shelves but never buying anything. My coworkers that knew her said that she hadn't come into that store since I quit and randomly started coming in when I was rehired. I ended up quitting again after she tried to talk to me after who I think was her boyfriend walked away and I was in the middle of something and walked past her into the stores back room. I walk out and she's screaming at her boyfriends kid so angrily that she was spitting, from what I saw the kid was just standing still not even doing anything.

To end this post I need to say, what the heck does she want from me after ten years of this? I want to get in a relationship but now I feel like I have too much baggage.


BPD individuals can sometimes act in what appears to be a 'psychopathic' manner. Because of their emotional sensitivity - rejection, whether real or imagined, can feel extremely hurtful.

They might make passive-aggressive posts about you, or do other things to demand your attention - and it will follow some kind of minor or major criticism usually or feud, and they'll just flatly deny anything is wrong, on the surface, to anyone who asks - and then a mountain of anger will build up inside them, and they'll try to do something to hurt you, whether overtly or covertly.

Reputation damage and defamation is a common tactic to seek 'revenge' for emotional slights, whether it be a political difference or an interpersonal difference, or otherwise. There is no sense of proportion to their actions - threatening the ego of a person of someone BPD can feel like a threat to their existence and they may dwell on it and become suicidal, internalising the pain - or they may try to destroy you in any way they can, even if it means lying. In their minds, your actions that damaged their emotional health, justify their lies about you.

'Black & White' thinking is common for BPD people.

If you get a bunch of people with BPD onto you, you are basically in dangerous territory probably for at least a decade in some cases.

The best thing to do is just ignore them. If you have social media - limit your exposure there. Don't be tempted to look at their public social media posts, you'll see them 'vaguebooking' - making reference to something specific, for example - then within 24 hours your phone will ring with something referencing the thing on their timeline, something really obscure that should not happen in all probability.

You may have no idea how they have your number, or why random people pop up in your comments on social media, who seem to know you somehow, making reference to something years ago and who seem like trolls with a vendetta. You'll hear about them shooting you down whenever you are mentioned, with false claims perhaps.

If you try to explain things to them, even indirectly, to make them go away, they won't. Or they'll pretend to - and then something else weird & improbable will happen.



Relax_on_Standby
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23 Nov 2021, 11:43 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
BPD individuals can sometimes act in what appears to be a 'psychopathic' manner. Because of their emotional sensitivity - rejection, whether real or imagined, can feel extremely hurtful.

They might make passive-aggressive posts about you, or do other things to demand your attention - and it will follow some kind of minor or major criticism usually or feud, and they'll just flatly deny anything is wrong, on the surface, to anyone who asks - and then a mountain of anger will build up inside them, and they'll try to do something to hurt you, whether overtly or covertly.

Reputation damage and defamation is a common tactic to seek 'revenge' for emotional slights, whether it be a political difference or an interpersonal difference, or otherwise. There is no sense of proportion to their actions - threatening the ego of a person of someone BPD can feel like a threat to their existence and they may dwell on it and become suicidal, internalising the pain - or they may try to destroy you in any way they can, even if it means lying. In their minds, your actions that damaged their emotional health, justify their lies about you.

'Black & White' thinking is common for BPD people.

If you get a bunch of people with BPD onto you, you are basically in dangerous territory probably for at least a decade in some cases.

The best thing to do is just ignore them. If you have social media - limit your exposure there. Don't be tempted to look at their public social media posts, you'll see them 'vaguebooking' - making reference to something specific, for example - then within 24 hours your phone will ring with something referencing the thing on their timeline, something really obscure that should not happen in all probability.

You may have no idea how they have your number, or why random people pop up in your comments on social media, who seem to know you somehow, making reference to something years ago and who seem like trolls with a vendetta. You'll hear about them shooting you down whenever you are mentioned, with false claims perhaps.

If you try to explain things to them, even indirectly, to make them go away, they won't. Or they'll pretend to - and then something else weird & improbable will happen.


Funny you brought up her having my number. I only gave her my old number 10 years ago and recently switched with a family member this last year. A few weeks ago I got a voicemail of a woman "butt dialing" as they say and her voice sounded like this individual and a man in the background called her name. Very freaky. In the past I'd get phone calls from random numbers and when I'd answer I'd either hear crying or cussing before being hung up on. One time she called me from a coworkers phone while she was having sex with him.


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Relax_on_Standby
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24 Nov 2021, 12:03 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Relax_on_Standby wrote:
Been in a long-term situation where I have a woman diagnosed with BPD that feels like I owe her my time, even after she rejected my advances because she didn't want to hurt me. I met her at a grocery store we used to work at. What ended up happening was us having a falling out where I started avoiding her and blocked her from texting me, just treated her in a professional business manner.

Was this avoidance/blocking preceded by you telling her, explicitly, that you didn't want to be more than co-workers with her anymore? Or did you just start avoiding/blocking her without warning?

It's one thing to ghost or block a complete stranger. Ghosting or blocking a co-worker, or someone you otherwise have no choice but to associate with IRL, inevitably leads to all manner of awkwardness, it seems to me.

This doesn't excuse her subsequent stalking behavior. But it might be relevant to figuring out how best to confront her one last time, if you choose to do so.

Relax_on_Standby wrote:
I used to go to the skate park and she started showing up and watching me without saying anything and I was too scared to say anything for the longest time. Eventually I confronted her

What was this confrontation like? What did you say to her, and how did she respond?

Relax_on_Standby wrote:
To end this post I need to say, what the heck does she want from me after ten years of this? I want to get in a relationship but now I feel like I have too much baggage.

I don't know enough about the situation to know whether it would be a good idea for you to confront her again at this point. If you do, you might ask her what she wants from you.

In any case, either instead of or after this hypothetical final confrontation, you should probably let her know in writing that you will deem any further contact from her to be harassment. In at least some jurisdictions, telling her that (and being able to prove you told her that) is a legal precondition for pressing harassment charges against her later, should you ever decide to do that.


When I confronted her I politely asked her if we could talk. I asked her if that was her last night (she was watching me for like 4 hours the night before). First, she started by saying that we were just coworkers. Then she started saying that she has alot of things going on and that all her friends are either pregnant or in rehab. Then she started saying that maybe it was someone else and was pretending to help me find out who, for about 15 minutes. Out of nowhere she starts crying but then catched herself and yelled she wasn't crazy while stomping her feet. I told her then when she stopped that I was autistic and then she insulted me and called me a freak. I ignored that and then she started crying again and while looking away from me she said this is really embarrassing...she kept repeating this then lastly she said "this is really embarrassing....for YOU! that's when she started screaming at me that she was going to get me fired and that she was going to lie to everyone that I was harassing her. After a few minutes of that she put her mask back on and started talking to me with no emotions saying sarcasticly that she enjoyed the talk and followed me out of the office and held the door open. I walked out of the office onto the sales floor (grocery store) and as I started walking she burst out and said wait, then threatened me that if I told anyone that she was stalking me that she would get me fired. She walked to the front of the store while I walked a different way toward the exit in the same direction and as I walked by her she was telling one of her friends loudly that I thought she was stalking me but I'm just a freak that couldn't take rejection. After that incident she'd always talk to the other workers loudly about me, saying I was trying to make her jealous by not talking to her anymore but talking to my friends or customers.


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nick007
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27 Nov 2021, 2:30 am

I think you need to file a restraining order against her. Talk to your coworkers & management who may have witnessed her behavior about testifying. You mentioned it was a store so perhaps there may even be some security cameras that catch her behavior. The store you work at also has a rite to bane her & call the cops on her if she's acting really crazy there & causing problems for employees like you & other customers.


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