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qtwrain
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23 Jan 2015, 3:36 am

People who have anything "wrong" with them undervalue themselves which basically puts a sign on their head that says "VICTIM". The only way to stop drawing victimizers to you is to stop 'looking like' and 'at yourself' as a victim. See yourself as a strong woman and others will too. It really is that simple. Get away from the abuser first of course.



goofygoobers
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25 Jan 2015, 2:29 am

qtwrain wrote:
People who have anything "wrong" with them undervalue themselves which basically puts a sign on their head that says "VICTIM". The only way to stop drawing victimizers to you is to stop 'looking like' and 'at yourself' as a victim. See yourself as a strong woman and others will too. It really is that simple. Get away from the abuser first of course.


In my case, that was easier said than done. I couldn't escape my biological father and stepmother at all until after they called the cops on me and accused me of poisoning them when I was 12.



nomoretears
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26 Jan 2015, 4:59 pm

Yup.

I can't say I've ever had a normal relationship. My dad was largely absent. My mom was physically and emotionally abusive.

I had a relationship with a sex addict. He was mean. He would put his fist in my face like he wanted to hit me, but he never did. At first, I thought he was playing, but later on I realized he was dead serious. i suspect most women would have left him right then and there. People told me to leave him, but I wouldn't listen.

I actually attract generally shytty treatment from people.



namaste
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28 Jan 2015, 1:02 pm

Abuse as destroyed my life forever

My father an alcoholic would beat us up every day, he used to control my life
not allowed me to go anywhere, no friends, no social life

My mother a narcissistic women did the same to me. And brother hit me badly.

My uncle used to sexually molest me.......yes i have seen dark side of life

And now the situation is such i cant work, though i am educated sitting at home
i get flashbacks and all the time i feel someone is hitting me.

I feel sabotaged.


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Phoenix13
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04 Apr 2015, 3:40 pm

Sorry to everyone who has endured so much suffering!

It is really terrible how awful people are to each other!! ! :cry:

I have been luckier on that front. Growing up I was spanked (which I found traumatizing, but many don't) occasionally and my mother said a few really mean things to me. That was it.

I have had four serious relationships and only one has been abusive. Physically and emotionally. I definitely did not see it coming. Having more knowledge on the subject, looking back I can see signs from the beginning. However he was a master manipulator. He pretended to be a person he was not, with similar interests to me etc. It wasn't until I was in love and living with him that things changed for the worst.

Thankfully he is out of my life and my current boyfriend is great! :D



naomidb22
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11 Apr 2015, 9:31 am

Yes I have been in an abusive relationship think abusers go for vernrable easily manipulated people who want love. And women with aspergers can sometimes fit that bill.



nerdymama
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11 Apr 2015, 9:12 pm

Yes I have been in a fairly long term abusive relationship (many types of abuse eg. physical, verbal, emotional...).

I was initially seeing myself as the one to blame for my atypical behaviour and for not being a good partner through his eyes where in reality there was a basic human respect missing from his side. I was also told about how "mean" I am when I very rarely had even a hint of negative intention. This kept me pretty confused because the way I was being treated was not okay but according to him I was behaving in a way that was hurtful. I would try to be kind and things just seemed to get worse. I'm not sure at this point if he actually was hurt and was frequently misinterpreting my behaviour or if this was simply meant to confuse me so that he could deflect any blame. If he did in fact feel hurt I was actively trying not to be hurtful where he said repeatedly that he was hurting me because I hurt him.

Luckily this relationship is over because it was not a healthy one.

The main thing I learned is that people are allowed to be different. You can either work with the differences or move on. There is no excuse for threats, name calling, shaming, physical harm, etc.



littlecatinthewindow
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01 Jan 2016, 7:08 am

Yes, last year, I had a boyfriend who mentally abused me. The only reason I got with him in the first place was because I felt sorry for him, but I thought i would be able to change him and make him a better person. As it turned out, I couldn't handle it.

He always asked me to see him, and got annoyed when I took my time. We argued all the time about everything, he got angry at the slightest little thing. He wanted me to move in with him, and my parents didn't want me to. I didn't want to, but I made an attempt just to make him happy. But we still didn't get along. He made me do things I was uncomfortable with, to the point where I would do it when he was angry in an attempt to make him happy.

Eventually, my parents forced my to break up with him I was angry at first, but got over it within the next day when I realised I was free to do whatever I wanted without him being unhappy about it. I wish it didn't come to that, though, I wish I was able to break up with him myself. But I didn't want to be that girl who breaks up with her boyfriend because she's too good for him or he's not good enough for her. I didn't really want to be that stereotype. I should have listened to my family.

I'm not fully over it. I've moved on, I'm living my own life now, but I don't want another boyfriend ever again, and I'll never be able to fully forget about him and what he made me do and how sad he made me. I dread to think what would have happened if my parents hadn't done anything.



melmaclorelai
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01 Jan 2016, 11:19 pm

I've never been in a romantic relationship so have no experience with abuse in that context but I have experienced physical and emotional abuse at the hands of several of my relatives. My maternal family is full of crazies. Thankfully, I don't have contact with them anymore which has helped my healing process a lot. I did have many of the symptoms associated with post traumatic stress disorder as a child and teenager. They've been reduced substantially in the last couple of years and I can think about the events without getting upset. I accept them as a part of my history that will stick with me forever but doesn't have to dictate my life or my emotions. While my daily life is much easier now that my PTSD symptoms have largely cleared up, I still find it difficult to hear stories about other abused children, particularly ones that involve a schizophrenic perpetrator (my main abuser was diagnosed with schizophrenia). It doesn't emotionally cripple me the way that it used to but it does make me feel sad and angry about the lack of justice in the world for a while. I can manage those feelings better now though.

My father (who has always been the relative that I've gotten on with the best on either side of my family) is an odd paradox. There's been times in my life where I would have had no hesitation to label him as emotionally abusive and indeed, there have been times where he has hurt me very badly. But as I've gotten older and wiser and my mental health is nowhere near as bad as it once was (I suffered with depression and anxiety in the past), I've come to see that he simply isn't very good at communicating with me. We have completely different communication styles and while we can talk easily about many subjects, it's much harder to tackle any emotional subjects without him becoming defensive and passive aggressive. I think there's probably some issues in his past that made him this way that he doesn't want to talk about. We also have fairly similar personalities and I'm sure that's played a role in our conflicts too. He's done many kind and generous things for me and I have faith that he isn't a bad person who wants to hurt me intentionally. He just doesn't quite understand me and sometimes does it inadvertently. Our relationship is alright now, I think.

It's a work in progress, as they say.


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cathylynn
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01 Jan 2016, 11:31 pm

i was beaten and raped by a fiance. afterward, i learned that there are warning signs that someone will turn out to be abusive, so i needn't repeat the experience. http://www.newhopeforwomen.org/abuser-tricks



CharityGoodyGrace
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07 Feb 2017, 3:30 am

I was abused verbally/psychologically/emotionally/mentally by my then-boyfriend who like me is on the spectrum. I wrote a book about it and will publish it very soon. But I don't blame his or my being on the spectrum for his abuse. :)

He is just a manipulative, scary person.



RandomFox
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08 Feb 2017, 7:25 am

I have been abused as well... mostly verbal, emotional, all sorts of veiled threats + gaslighting in my marriage. When I was on anti-depressants he said, lying in bed next to me "Why don't you kill yourself... just remember about life insurance! Ha ha". Then he would just sneak up on me when I was cutting up veg in the kitchen and whisper "life insurance..." and grin.
In the end when I was in the process of leaving him, I was so stressed out that I decided to do the same things to him - leave all sorts of scary weird notes here and there and similar stuff. Then he gave up and moved out but still for a few years bombarded me with emails & unwanted phone calls, but I closed that chapter, found a lover, just did my own thing and then it all stopped - he found somebody new as well.

I left him 4 years ago, divorced and never looked back although working through all memories of abuse and healing took some time. At some point I bought a book about psychopaths and narcissists and it was like ticking a checklist. Now I'm wondering when his current partner will run away from him screaming. That guy was like a disease.



attendtheminuteparticulars
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03 Apr 2017, 2:10 am

I was in an abusive relationship for almost four years.
He would hit me, kick me, punch me, and tell me that I was stupid and slow and that no one would ever love me. He liked to tell me that I was dog ugly and then get mad at me if I didn't understand anything he was talking about. This happened nearly everyday. He raped me. It took having a kid with him to realize that it wasn't safe environment. When she was five months old I packed a suitcase and we took a taxi to the women's shelter. Six years later and I have no regrets leaving him.
I didn't know what constituted a healthy relationship when I was with him. Now that I have had time away I've been able to learn what a healthy relationship means.



seaweed
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03 Apr 2017, 4:57 am

i was raped by my ex almost every day and beaten up pretty regularly, too. it started up gradually, actually started off consensually during sex. but consenting being spanked in bed isn't consenting to being beaten anytime he wanted. liking rough sex doesn't mean wanting to be raped. i broke up with him but i couldn't easily get away from him, and the reason why is complicated so i'm not going to write it out here. but after i broke up with him things only got worse.
serious TW (GM). highlight to read -- he took a razor blade and cut my clitoris because he was mad i "wanted to be with other guys". --
that's when i finally decided that i had to get out of my living situation no matter what and i illegitimately moved into someone's closet.

my best friend has told me that my current boyfriend acts abusively sometimes and i don't necessarily disagree with her. he can be controlling in specific ways, and his go-to argument method is trying to make me feel like an idiot. even though i haven't told her about the "worst" physical instances, she's just really good at picking up on that sort of thing. the instances i'm talking about are when he comes home drunk/high and angry and things escalate and i can tell when it's about to get bad because his eyes get all dark and void. it's really scary. his voice changes too. he never remembers what happened in the morning, either, and over 4 years this has happened maybe 10 times. i don't know if that's intentionally abusive or some kind of dissociative issue causing him to do things to me he wouldn't normally do. i guess. it's not that i forgive him but that i don't even know if that thing is him. i haven't told her about this because i'm afraid she'll convince me he's abusive enough to leave or something. or wonder why i am so stupid.

i think i might have a terribly high threshold for abusive behavior, and a part of me actually feels deserving of it. it might go back to bad childhood stuff with my dad but i don't know, i don't really like to think about that.

i definitely think that not being able to read people and understand intentions goes into it too. and with being socially challenged, like some others in this thread have touched on, it's easy to provoke rather than subdue and it's just generally hard to navigate.

also, during abusive acts i tend to become nonverbal and unresponsive as they progress. not only does that make it easy to assault me, but also i've found that abusers need to be validated via reactions and if i don't give them the attention they want, that makes them very frustrated and their anger level rises so much higher.

does anyone else here have experience with becoming unresponsive in abusive situations?



confusedperson17
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17 Apr 2017, 2:28 am

Yes. 4 relationships. I was abused and did abuse them back, they always started it though. I am not proud of myself but I was definitely ALWAYS living with them and trapped, either in another city or without a vehicle at the time, so I was reacting with abuse. Still have an injured knee and a horribly scarred up left arm over. Constant trust issues with men at this point, constantly thinking my new bf is cheating on me, PTSD (undiagnosed but I am sure I have it). I think because of Asperger's I am quite trusting and naive and can't really trust my own judgement, and coming from a background where everyone teased me and bullied me, including my entire family, the abuse was normalized and I thought, oh, this is just normal honestly, nothing new to me. I'm sorry to everyone here and thanks for sharing your stories.