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TrishC7
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28 Jul 2007, 7:00 pm

Have you ever been a victim of domestic abuse (physical or otherwise)?

I have, and though it appears that Aspies have less intimate relationships than others, many of us have been in domestic abuse situations, whether it was a lover/spouse, parent(s), 'friend,' or other. I left my now-ex-husband nearly 3 years ago, but am just now starting the healing process, in many ways (series of bad situations, then thought it was too late for me to get any specialized help).

I'm wondering how many others of you have been through domestic abuse (or are, now), and thinking this may be a good place where we can talk & share resource info.



TrishC7
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28 Jul 2007, 7:08 pm

The following is from an online site that has a lot of good info about domestic abuse (the web address is at the bottom of this post)

"Abuse Survey: Am I in an abusive situation?

Question:
Maybe you have been wondering if you are abused. Maybe you have been living in fear. Fear from abuse in the past. Fear in a present relationship. LifeCARE is offering some resources which can help you. But, first, you must determine if you are abused. Then, you can take steps to get help and work through it. Take this inventory: “Am I in An Abusive Relationship?:

Symptoms of Abuse - Threats; Power Misuse; and Control......
What symptoms below fit your life?

Using Emotional Abuse:
Putting the other down ___
Making the other feel bad about themselves ___
Calling the other names ___
Making the other think they are crazy ___
Playing mind games ___
Humiliating the other ___
Making the other feel guilty ___
Using Privileges ___
Treating the other like a servant ___
Making all the big decisions ___
Acting like the master of the castle ___
Being the one who determines the roles ___
Using Economic Abuse:
Preventing the other from getting or keeping a job ___ Making the other ask for money ___
Giving the other an allowance ___
Taking the other's money ___
Not letting the other know about or have access to family income ___

Using Coercion and Threats:
Making or carrying out threats to do something to hurt the other ___
Threatening to leave the other, to commit suicide, report the other to welfare ___
Making the other drop charges ___
Making the other do illegal things ___
Using Intimidation:
Making the other afraid by using looks, gestures, or actions ___
Smashing things ___
Abusing pets ___
Displaying weapons ___

Using Children:
Making the other feel guilty about the children ___
Using the children to relay messages ___ family or friends? Yes___ No___
Using visitation to harass the other ___
Threatening to take the children away ___

Using Isolation:
Controlling what the other does, who they see, talk to, what's read, and where they go ___
Limiting their outside involvement ___
Using jealousy to justify actions ___
Minimizing, Denying, Blaming ___
Making light of the abuse and not taking the other's concerns about it seriously ___
Saying the abuse never happened ___
Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior ___
Saying the other caused it ___

HAS ANY OF THE FOLLOWING EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
Does your partner:
Blame everyone else especially you, for his or her mistakes? Yes___ No___
Prevent you from seeing your family or friends? Yes___ No___
Curse you, say mean things, mock you or humiliate you? Yes___ No___
Force you to have sex or force you to engage in sex that makes you feel uncomfortable? Yes___ No___
Restrain, hit, punch, slap, or kick you? Yes___ No___
Intimidate or threaten you? Yes___ No___
Ever prevent you from leaving the house, getting a job, or continuing your education? Yes___ No___

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship. Please call your local police department at 911 (in most USA communities) or local Domestic Violence agency so they can assist you in obtaining warrants, orders of protection and counseling. Domestic Violence Resources:
National Domestic Violence: 1-800-799-7233 (safe)"

http://www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/abusive.asp



Beenthere
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28 Jul 2007, 9:21 pm

Yes...not physical.

Still healing.


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thistledown
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28 Jul 2007, 11:31 pm

My first husband used violence against me. I read somewhere that people with Asperger's syndrome are vulnerable to abusive partners because we can't read the warning signs. That would make sense, as I thought my first husband was very kind, gentle and patient (before I married him) but when my sister first met him, she knew instantly that he was an abusive type even though the physical abuse hadn't started yet.



TrishC7
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29 Jul 2007, 4:51 am

On the other hand, we can't blame ourselves at all, because abusers can be very charming and manipulative at first (& off and on, once the relationship starts). We may be more vulnerable, I just want to vehemently say that doesn't ever make it our fault - in a vehement mood this evening, I guess . . . .



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29 Jul 2007, 6:13 am

HI trish, this is an interest of mine as well-somewhat. I mean its not, but it has to be. I'd like to know the stats as well. I belive the world would benifit from the statistics of female aspergers and their listing in the abuse category-if that makes any sense.

Personally, my very nature causes me to be targeted often. By the time its too late I realize what is happening.

raises hand: I was a victim of dv.

IF your not in a relationship willingly, can it be considered "domestic"?.......something to ponder


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29 Jul 2007, 11:52 pm

Yes. I'm a victim of domestic abuse (physical and emotional). My dad has been abusive since I can remember, but when I was a kid I didn't think that was a form of abuse. He always tries to control what the family has to do, if someone doesn't agree he uses isolation, humillation, intimidation, unfair punishments, saying mean things, and physical abuse in extreme cases.

Two weeks ago I was with my family in the capital, after my sister's surgery. I though my dad made a mistake and I tried to tell him my point of view. He said to me "Shut up!", he always do the same and I was fed up of that injustice, so I responded "I won't stop talking, you are wrong". He slapped me while he was saying "Shut up! Obbey me because I'm your father", I said "Hit me all what you want if that make you happy, but I won't stop talking if you don't close your mouth, parents must be an example for their kids" I was crying and I wanted to hit him, when my mom intervened and tried to stop my dad. He tried to justify his actions with "She was mocking me".

I thought he had left the physical abuse, many years passed and he hadn't hit me until that day. I decided I won't let him take control of my life anymore, but I don't know if I will have selfcontrol the next time he tries to hit me.



TrishC7
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30 Jul 2007, 12:50 am

Beenthere & Thistledown,

Glad you came & posted here. Maybe we can all help each other a bit.

SeaBright,

to answer your question, if it's a relationship (including family or 'friend'), it definitely falls into the domestic abuse category, whether, and even probably especially if you're not in the relationship willingly.

SamuraiSaxen,

I'm so sorry you're in this difficult situation. If you're on the verge of losing self-control (I mean if you feel you may be, the next time he starts acting like that, because it's a foregone conclusion that the will again), you may want to talk to a therapist about it, someone who specializes in domestic abuse.



Tempy
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30 Jul 2007, 11:12 am

Well, People on all walks of life can be targets for abuse. I concede that aspies have a harder time at it because we miss the subtle signs of undercurrent violence.



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02 Aug 2007, 12:16 am

TrishC7 wrote:
SamuraiSaxen,

I'm so sorry you're in this difficult situation. If you're on the verge of losing self-control (I mean if you feel you may be, the next time he starts acting like that, because it's a foregone conclusion that the will again), you may want to talk to a therapist about it, someone who specializes in domestic abuse.


Of course, I'm sure it will happen again. Yesterday, I had a similar argue with him, he tried to shut me up and I didn't obbey him, but this time he didn't slap me, I'm sure he didn't do it because my mom was near. But I can't afford a therapist and that kind of things, even an official diagnosis. And I can't try to denounce him because I don't have evidence.



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02 Aug 2007, 3:39 am

SamuraiSaxen wrote:
TrishC7 wrote:
SamuraiSaxen,

I'm so sorry you're in this difficult situation. If you're on the verge of losing self-control (I mean if you feel you may be, the next time he starts acting like that, because it's a foregone conclusion that the will again), you may want to talk to a therapist about it, someone who specializes in domestic abuse.


Of course, I'm sure it will happen again. Yesterday, I had a similar argue with him, he tried to shut me up and I didn't obbey him, but this time he didn't slap me, I'm sure he didn't do it because my mom was near. But I can't afford a therapist and that kind of things, even an official diagnosis. And I can't try to denounce him because I don't have evidence.
If it's not a rude question, SamuraiSaxen, how old are you? It could be possible to report your father to the authorities, particularly if you are 18 or over.


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SamuraiSaxen
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13 Aug 2007, 8:00 pm

Pandora wrote:
SamuraiSaxen wrote:
TrishC7 wrote:
SamuraiSaxen,

I'm so sorry you're in this difficult situation. If you're on the verge of losing self-control (I mean if you feel you may be, the next time he starts acting like that, because it's a foregone conclusion that the will again), you may want to talk to a therapist about it, someone who specializes in domestic abuse.


Of course, I'm sure it will happen again. Yesterday, I had a similar argue with him, he tried to shut me up and I didn't obbey him, but this time he didn't slap me, I'm sure he didn't do it because my mom was near. But I can't afford a therapist and that kind of things, even an official diagnosis. And I can't try to denounce him because I don't have evidence.
If it's not a rude question, SamuraiSaxen, how old are you? It could be possible to report your father to the authorities, particularly if you are 18 or over.


Sorry if I haven't answered, but I didn't have internet access.

I'm 20, but I need evidence. He hadn't hit me too hard, so I don't have physical wounds. My mom is the only witness, but she won't help me to do it, that sucks. I need videos or something smilar.



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14 Aug 2007, 3:48 am

That's a shame because he ought to be reported. I don't know what resources for domestic violence there are where you live but maybe one of the other members who lives in your state or nearby might be able to tell you. This is just so wrong!

Mind you, I was hit by my husband a few times and should have reported it but got too scared to do it. My aspie trait of being afraid of making phone calls and approaching strangers made it more difficult to report anything. When I told friends, they told me where to go but they nearly all said I had to go by myself. This was too hard so I didn't do anything until too late.


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22 Aug 2007, 3:13 pm

All but one of my relationships has been abusive. Usually verbal and emotional though once I had a gun pointed in my face. My mom was also very abusive verbally, physically and emotionally when I was a kid.



Jakasta
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23 Aug 2007, 6:40 am

My last three relationships and some before were verbally and physically abusive. I've given up with relationships. I think I must have 'VICTIM' tattooed on my forehead.
I'm still in the process of putting some sort of a life back together after my last relationship which ended in January but he only left the house in July. He is still trying to bully me into letting him back. For my sanity and my daughters safety I will never let him back, I'm numb to anything he can throw at me now.



SamuraiSaxen
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28 Aug 2007, 2:05 am

Pandora wrote:
That's a shame because he ought to be reported. I don't know what resources for domestic violence there are where you live but maybe one of the other members who lives in your state or nearby might be able to tell you. This is just so wrong!

Mind you, I was hit by my husband a few times and should have reported it but got too scared to do it. My aspie trait of being afraid of making phone calls and approaching strangers made it more difficult to report anything. When I told friends, they told me where to go but they nearly all said I had to go by myself. This was too hard so I didn't do anything until too late.


Years ago, we were arriving to home, when we were out of the car my ex-neighbor (I think she has a mental problem or is crazy) hit my mom with a mop, the mop had a wire that made my mom's arm bleed. My mom reported her to the authorities, they saw the big wound in her arm and minor wounds in her fingers, and my sister and me were the witnesses, we help my mother, and guess what? That b***h didn't receive a punishment! Then my mom talked with the authorities about why they didn't do anything, and the man who was in charge of the case said my mom's life wasn't in risk and her wounds were something of a minor degree. :x

If that happened when my mom had an obvious wound, what do you think authorities will do without having evidence? They will ignore my case. Here, we don't have oral jugements, I hate the inefficient, lame and pitiful mexican justice system. :x