Passing as NT, but living an aspie life

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BugsBunnyFan
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25 Nov 2021, 12:57 am

I can usually pass as NT now and I’m really happy about that. Unfortunately NTs are very nosy about what my life is like. It doesn’t really matter if my social skills are sort of passable if I don’t live an NT life. I don’t have a job right now and I audit courses at university. I really don’t have the energy to do more. NTs obviously do. They don’t all have full time jobs, but they usually have reasons like studying full time. They all have full time schedules, while I don’t even have a part time schedule.

When I’m dealing with people who won’t get to know me I just tell them I’m busy all the time. I just hope I can get a busy and stressful sounding job, so I can continue to say I’m busy. If I’m low on energy I’ll just say I’m busy with work. If I’m lucky enough maybe I’ll even become a genuine workaholic. Right now I study Hebrew to avoid a lot of things. It doesn’t seem like my Hebrew studying reaches workaholic levels. It seems to only go up to four or five hours at most.



JD34
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25 Nov 2021, 1:09 am

BugsBunnyFan wrote:
I can usually pass as NT now and I’m really happy about that. Unfortunately NTs are very nosy about what my life is like. It doesn’t really matter if my social skills are sort of passable if I don’t live an NT life. I don’t have a job right now and I audit courses at university. I really don’t have the energy to do more. NTs obviously do. They don’t all have full time jobs, but they usually have reasons like studying full time. They all have full time schedules, while I don’t even have a part time schedule.

When I’m dealing with people who won’t get to know me I just tell them I’m busy all the time. I just hope I can get a busy and stressful sounding job, so I can continue to say I’m busy. If I’m low on energy I’ll just say I’m busy with work. If I’m lucky enough maybe I’ll even become a genuine workaholic. Right now I study Hebrew to avoid a lot of things. It doesn’t seem like my Hebrew studying reaches workaholic levels. It seems to only go up to four or five hours at most.

Yeah I know how you feel, I don't like lying, it makes me feel uncomfortable, but everyday life is exhausting for me between work school and health problems. Most (keyword) people don't really care that much about your actual life so much as just trying to fill the silence with small talk though.



BugsBunnyFan
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25 Nov 2021, 1:20 am

JD34 wrote:
BugsBunnyFan wrote:
I can usually pass as NT now and I’m really happy about that. Unfortunately NTs are very nosy about what my life is like. It doesn’t really matter if my social skills are sort of passable if I don’t live an NT life. I don’t have a job right now and I audit courses at university. I really don’t have the energy to do more. NTs obviously do. They don’t all have full time jobs, but they usually have reasons like studying full time. They all have full time schedules, while I don’t even have a part time schedule.

When I’m dealing with people who won’t get to know me I just tell them I’m busy all the time. I just hope I can get a busy and stressful sounding job, so I can continue to say I’m busy. If I’m low on energy I’ll just say I’m busy with work. If I’m lucky enough maybe I’ll even become a genuine workaholic. Right now I study Hebrew to avoid a lot of things. It doesn’t seem like my Hebrew studying reaches workaholic levels. It seems to only go up to four or five hours at most.

Yeah I know how you feel, I don't like lying, it makes me feel uncomfortable, but everyday life is exhausting for me between work school and health problems. Most (keyword) people don't really care that much about your actual life so much as just trying to fill the silence with small talk though.

Yeah. I guess I have to get better at filling in the silence for those things. Group work is even worse for me because I always feel like I can never pull my weight. It just doesn’t seem like I have the energy to work hard. Especially in groups. Any situations where I’m pressured to pull my weight are the worst because it becomes even worse because my lack of over all life skills and laziness start to show. Then it stops mattering how normal I can act.

I just wish smalltalk could be as fun as it is when I’m traveling. When I’m traveling all I have to really talk about is where I’m from, why I’m traveling there and how I’m enjoying my trip.



cyberdad
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25 Nov 2021, 1:53 am

BugsBunnyFan wrote:
I just wish smalltalk could be as fun as it is when I’m traveling. When I’m traveling all I have to really talk about is where I’m from, why I’m traveling there and how I’m enjoying my trip.


As an NT I've mentioned this a few times but smalltalk for NTs serves a similar purpose that picking nits does for chimapanzees. Removing nits is useful but grooming but its main purpose is purely for bonding to keep the tribe close and improve social cohesion which improves survival.

For NTs smalltalk might involve some cursory (sometimes interesting) exchange of information but its a really a form of bonding.

I think this is part of the reason why we seek people with common interests/experiences/background to share/bond like our chimp cousins picking nits from each other



AprilR
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25 Nov 2021, 4:39 am

I relate to this so much it is so frustrating.
People, literally strangers asking invasive questions brings me close to insanity. I hate lying too but don't know any other way when people ask me what i am doing.



cyberdad
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25 Nov 2021, 4:45 am

AprilR wrote:
Iliterally strangers asking invasive questions brings me close to insanity. I hate lying too but don't know any other way when people ask me what i am doing.


That's exactly my point, The NTs who come up and ask you invasive questions are trying to break the ice to start a pleasant conversation. There's often no purpose or agenda.



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25 Nov 2021, 5:05 am

That is why I embraced satan, always felt diffrent...and so I felt I had more in common with satan. While still in Christian beliefs I even figured I'd sell my soul to satan...figured I'd never be welcome in heaven so may as well get in good with the devil. Now I am a proper atheist satanist, but for the time I still believed christianity might still be true and heaven and hell existed...I chose i'd rather be me and go to hell, than bow down to a god I don't agree with.

LIke you have to understand the beliefs I had at the time, I was to belive accepting satan was a hell sentence and so I was rejecting my eternal life in heaven by accepting satan, and I felt so sickend by the religion I was fine with that.

Well satan does not exist, but still a fun figure to have as your religious symbol



theprisoner
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25 Nov 2021, 5:21 am

That is why I embraced KFC, always felt diffrent...and so I felt I had more in common with Harland David Sanders . While still in my mcdonalds beliefs I figured I'd give my custom to the Colonel...figured I'd never be welcome in beneath the golden arches so may as well get in good with the kfc. Now I am a proper kentucky fried chicken devotee, but for the time I still believed mcdonalds might still be true...I chose i'd rather be finger Lickin' Good and go to kfc, than bow down to a ronald mcdonald, I'm not lovin that.

LIke you have to understand the hunger I had at the time, I was to belive accepting the any other fast food retail outlet was a indigestion sentence and so I was rejecting my happy meals in ronald mcdonald by accepting sanders, and I felt so sickend by the colon cancer risks of big mac I was fine with that.

Well i know ronald is a fictional clown and does not exist, but still a fun figure to have as a marketing symbol


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BugsBunnyFan
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25 Nov 2021, 7:59 am

cyberdad wrote:
BugsBunnyFan wrote:
I just wish smalltalk could be as fun as it is when I’m traveling. When I’m traveling all I have to really talk about is where I’m from, why I’m traveling there and how I’m enjoying my trip.


As an NT I've mentioned this a few times but smalltalk for NTs serves a similar purpose that picking nits does for chimapanzees. Removing nits is useful but grooming but its main purpose is purely for bonding to keep the tribe close and improve social cohesion which improves survival.

For NTs smalltalk might involve some cursory (sometimes interesting) exchange of information but its a really a form of bonding.

I think this is part of the reason why we seek people with common interests/experiences/background to share/bond like our chimp cousins picking nits from each other

I guess I need to get better at filling in smalltalk in a pleasant way. I know I send the wrong signals when I get annoyed at particular questions.



AprilR
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25 Nov 2021, 9:17 am

cyberdad wrote:
AprilR wrote:
Iliterally strangers asking invasive questions brings me close to insanity. I hate lying too but don't know any other way when people ask me what i am doing.


That's exactly my point, The NTs who come up and ask you invasive questions are trying to break the ice to start a pleasant conversation. There's often no purpose or agenda.


Except when i tell them i am unemployed or not married/don't want to have a relationship they look at me like i have three eyes or something. That's not a pleasant conversation and it makes me very uncomfortable. They don't even make the effort to hide their unease.



shortfatbalduglyman
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25 Nov 2021, 10:53 am

Not all NTs are "nosy" at all times.

Sometimes someone is trying to be friendly and you might interpret that as "nosy"

Not all NTs have full time schedules

The solar system contains eight billion people

Some autistics have full time schedules or work full time



cyberdad
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25 Nov 2021, 4:01 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Not all NTs are "nosy" at all times.

Sometimes someone is trying to be friendly and you might interpret that as "nosy"

Not all NTs have full time schedules

The solar system contains eight billion people

Some autistics have full time schedules or work full time


True, but in the NT world we have this mantra of "giving people the benefit of doubt". Don't get me wrong it's not easy to take rejection when engaging people but you have to understand that individual people have their reasons and there is no point psychoanalysing every NT you come across.



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25 Nov 2021, 4:04 pm

AprilR wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
AprilR wrote:
Iliterally strangers asking invasive questions brings me close to insanity. I hate lying too but don't know any other way when people ask me what i am doing.


That's exactly my point, The NTs who come up and ask you invasive questions are trying to break the ice to start a pleasant conversation. There's often no purpose or agenda.


Except when i tell them i am unemployed or not married/don't want to have a relationship they look at me like i have three eyes or something. That's not a pleasant conversation and it makes me very uncomfortable. They don't even make the effort to hide their unease.


I'll give you a tip, never make a conversation personal/about yourself. We often say "talk about the weather" or the
"news", Once you are both comfortable then if they enquire say something about yourself. Learn to steer the conversation in another direction if you are not comfortable about sharing your personal struggles (I used to do this in my 20s when I was unemployed for periods I would make up some crap about doing training to upskill).



cyberdad
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25 Nov 2021, 4:08 pm

BugsBunnyFan wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
BugsBunnyFan wrote:
I just wish smalltalk could be as fun as it is when I’m traveling. When I’m traveling all I have to really talk about is where I’m from, why I’m traveling there and how I’m enjoying my trip.


As an NT I've mentioned this a few times but smalltalk for NTs serves a similar purpose that picking nits does for chimapanzees. Removing nits is useful but grooming but its main purpose is purely for bonding to keep the tribe close and improve social cohesion which improves survival.

For NTs smalltalk might involve some cursory (sometimes interesting) exchange of information but its a really a form of bonding.

I think this is part of the reason why we seek people with common interests/experiences/background to share/bond like our chimp cousins picking nits from each other

I guess I need to get better at filling in smalltalk in a pleasant way. I know I send the wrong signals when I get annoyed at particular questions.


That's the spirit. Don't forget, It should be organic not contrived. Conversely steer away from personal questions or diving into something polarising or controversial straight away in as that might be perceived to be the wrong signal. Having this exchange makes me realise why I used to attract narcissists when I was younger because narcissists actually don't care about you, they like to be the centre of attention and enjoy being around somebody who gives them that.



BugsBunnyFan
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25 Nov 2021, 5:10 pm

cyberdad wrote:
BugsBunnyFan wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
BugsBunnyFan wrote:
I just wish smalltalk could be as fun as it is when I’m traveling. When I’m traveling all I have to really talk about is where I’m from, why I’m traveling there and how I’m enjoying my trip.


As an NT I've mentioned this a few times but smalltalk for NTs serves a similar purpose that picking nits does for chimapanzees. Removing nits is useful but grooming but its main purpose is purely for bonding to keep the tribe close and improve social cohesion which improves survival.

For NTs smalltalk might involve some cursory (sometimes interesting) exchange of information but its a really a form of bonding.

I think this is part of the reason why we seek people with common interests/experiences/background to share/bond like our chimp cousins picking nits from each other

I guess I need to get better at filling in smalltalk in a pleasant way. I know I send the wrong signals when I get annoyed at particular questions.


That's the spirit. Don't forget, It should be organic not contrived. Conversely steer away from personal questions or diving into something polarising or controversial straight away in as that might be perceived to be the wrong signal. Having this exchange makes me realise why I used to attract narcissists when I was younger because narcissists actually don't care about you, they like to be the centre of attention and enjoy being around somebody who gives them that.

I find having some sort of script or story helps me relax, so the conversation ends up feeling more organic. I don’t need a script or story for everything. Just things I find problematic and hard to deal with.



AngelL
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25 Nov 2021, 5:50 pm

BugsBunnyFan wrote:
I can usually pass as NT now and I’m really happy about that.


If you don't mind discussing it, may I ask why passing as an NT brings you happiness? If I choose, I can appear NT 100% of the time, but I have no interest in doing so.

BugsBunnyFan wrote:
Unfortunately NTs are very nosy about what my life is like.


As has been shared, this is a sort of bonding ritual that NT's participate in. "I'm bored! Entertain me!" is what they're really saying. In return, they assume you are too and having someone prying into your life will relieve you of that boredom. Understanding their motivation (to be entertained) gives you an answer if you're intent on masking/passing as an NT. Quite simply, entertain them. Stories, jokes, anecdotes, etc. i.e.

Me: "Hey, you want a beer?"
You: "No thanks, I don't drink."
NT: "How come?" - Because, of course, they'll ask...they're NT's. So, I have a ready response.
Me: "Actually, I'm allergic to alcohol."

Sometimes they'll stop here. If they do, I'm thrilled. They rarely do.

NT: "Omg, I've never heard of someone being allergic to alcohol. What happens when you drink?"
Me: "I break out in handcuffs - every time."

Delivery is important; I'll flash them a grin or a wink after I said it to let them know I was kidding. You may or may not be amazed at how often that ends the conversation. They asked a question, I didn't give them a serious answer and made sure they knew that with the grin or wink, and yet a majority of the time, they won't follow up with me because they really didn't care about the answer. They cared only about being entertained and I provided that. That doesn't mean that they always will let it go. Sometimes they are really bored and this tangent seems entertaining so they'll push it further.

NT: "Wow, seriously?"
Me: "Well, that's the short version. Truth be told, I don't have a problem with drinking."

Amazingly, I've had them let it go at this point sometimes, appreciative of the laugh I gave them with my joke or it's dawning on them that I'm probably avoiding their prying for a reason. When they don't, I usually cut them off with another joke immediately. Fortunately, I always have one standing by.

NT: "Well then, wh..."
Me: "I'm really allergic to crack. But have a couple of beers and I start thinking smoking some crack is a really good idea. That's when the handcuffs come into play. Have you ever worn handcuffs before? Nasty things really."

Finally putting the focus on them. It's an incredible amount of work to talk to someone that provides me with zero value for my efforts which returns me to my original question: What is it about passing for an NT that brings you happiness?