I feel like an invalid faker

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I feel like it's happening again. Every winter, I get in this horrible mode and I feel like actual s**t. I feel like everything I do is faked. It probably is. I always make everything sound worse than it is. Thinking about getting hurt or having people yell at me has always thrilled me. I used to tell on people I didn't like and cry to the teacher, who yelled at me and called me selfish and stuck up.
Idk why this has to happen. Is autism yet another thing I faked and got away with? I can be a good liar. Maybe it was my automatic reaction to fake it at the evaluation. No one believes I could be autistic, but I want to be. If I got this diagnosis taken away, I would be heartbroken.
Why? Why was I born with these desires? The only thing that helps when I feel like this is to write about things I'm obsessed with getting hurt, or roleplay it on my own. I keep remembering all the times when people yelled at me and told me that I always feel bad for myself and that there was nothing wrong with me. But I feel like there needs to be something wrong with me. It makes me feel happy, and it feels satisfying and like everything finally feels okay.
I'm trying to do it with characters so I don't do it irl. I used to think of these situations with myself when I was really little and didn't have characters. It was like the obsession was myself for a little bit.
Someone please help. I need someone to validate me, because the imposter syndrome is hitting hard.

Masking feels like this, yet one needs to mask to cope....

The other thing to remember is that from personal experience, that I could not find anyone who understood me apart from my Mum and a vary rare few people. Most people just thought I was wierd.
The problem is that unless others have experienced this, they genuinely do not understand. Not unless someone somewhere is able to explain things in a way that they can grasp. I found that while I knew I was different I could not grasp how different... What I mean... Well. I assumed I was different because my upbringing was different, but my upbringing was different as my family was/is different. It never occurred to me that my being different was to do with the way I think. Others who knew me knew this somehow as they picked up on how different I was. So how do I explain how different I am unless I am somehow able to be an average person to experience it... But is there such a thing? As NT's are not average either and I do not know if I am one or not as I am waiting to be assessed... So all I know is that I am different.

Now your teacher might not be able to comprehend the thought that people do not think in the same ways. This is a problem.

You are not an imposter Cora. When I go to disability assessments I tend to shut down because I don't want to be there. There is nothing wrong with it, it's all part of who we are.

Have a Dog V4 hug because I think you need it.

Suppose there is actually nothing wrong with you---but, instead, you are just a person of uniqueness?

I don't see any "fakery" in what you say.

Many people (who actually have "nothing wrong with them") have been derided for being eccentric, unusual, obsessed (yes, even with healthy obsessions), socially inept, too "smart," etc.

My feeling is: as long as you don't harm someone else, or harm yourself, there's nothing wrong with you. Many people are able to make a living without having to live the conformist life.

True, it is very hard for people to fully understand others, myself included. To be completely honest, I believe that everyone is different, and there will never be a way to fully understand or figure out what is going on. But do we really need to? Maybe we should start believing people's observations about themselves, and not gatekeep things. Not everything is 0 or 1, and I often have to remind myself of this. Hardly anything is all one way or the other. I think it's completely normal to just want to fit in somewhere. After being told by my mom that I am "most likely in the area between autistic and not autistic" in the past, even with an official diagnosis now, I understand the pain and uneasiness of being in between two things, never recognized as either, and being completely average.
The silent protagonist of video games is always the most relatable character for me. They have almost no personality, and I can relate sometimes. I craft all these different identities to use online, all completely different people. People never want to be friends with the "real me" (whether it's the me right now or public mode, I can't tell who I am), so to fit in with these people, I faked things. "Haha, yeah I hate myself too..." I DON'T. "Yeah, I have depression too" I DON'T. It really sucks that people don't like me unless I say I have a horrible life. (or, the girls my age. Sure, some fully grown man will talk to me about memes on vr then run away, but sometimes I need an actually serious friend that I can talk to about relevant issues)
I'm going off topic. Nevermind, lol