How to (Generally and Specifically) Make Friends?

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Panuru
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27 Nov 2021, 9:50 pm

Hello. I'm 43 and I've never had a friend. My definition is that I've never been offered nor had my own offer accepted to spend time together outside of a professional or other organizational setting. So, as the title suggests, I am asking for advice, both general and specific, on how to make some. It has been a lonely life, and I've always felt that something has been missing from my life because of this. Truthfully I've even had it assumed in more than one case that English is my second language because I don't have practice with colloquial usage. I'm becoming very concerned that my not having friends will normalize this for my children and they won't try to make any themselves, dooming them to the same fate. It also leaves me in the bind of not being able to give them any advice regarding friendship. So any advice you can provide me first is very much appreciated. Please and thank you.

Here is my question for general advice. Yes, the first step is being around people and talking to them. Going out, finding groups oriented around something you're interested in, and such. That's where a lot of advice ends, reminding me of the "Step 2:??? Step 3:Profit!" meme. When you're around people, how do the people you're around become friends?

Here's the specific part. In my age group, it seems that people are secured into existing friend groups rather than seeking out new friends. How do I overcome that? Also, I have a job, a family, and a household to run. I get one, maybe two hours of free time per day. That comes after the kids are in bed. What is the best use of limited time, later in the evening, to meet people?



Mona Pereth
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27 Nov 2021, 10:46 pm

Panuru wrote:
Hello. I'm 43 and I've never had a friend. My definition is that I've never been offered nor had my own offer accepted to spend time together outside of a professional or other organizational setting. So, as the title suggests, I am asking for advice, both general and specific, on how to make some. It has been a lonely life, and I've always felt that something has been missing from my life because of this. Truthfully I've even had it assumed in more than one case that English is my second language because I don't have practice with colloquial usage. I'm becoming very concerned that my not having friends will normalize this for my children and they won't try to make any themselves, dooming them to the same fate. It also leaves me in the bind of not being able to give them any advice regarding friendship. So any advice you can provide me first is very much appreciated. Please and thank you.

Here is my question for general advice. Yes, the first step is being around people and talking to them. Going out, finding groups oriented around something you're interested in, and such. That's where a lot of advice ends, reminding me of the "Step 2:??? Step 3:Profit!" meme. When you're around people, how do the people you're around become friends?

Here's the specific part. In my age group, it seems that people are secured into existing friend groups rather than seeking out new friends. How do I overcome that? Also, I have a job, a family, and a household to run. I get one, maybe two hours of free time per day. That comes after the kids are in bed. What is the best use of limited time, later in the evening, to meet people?

What are your interests/hobbies? Are there any specific kinds of groups or activities you are considering joining?

How one could go about making friends would likely vary depending on the type of groups.


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Panuru
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28 Nov 2021, 7:47 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
How one could go about making friends would likely vary depending on the type of groups.

For example, how would it vary? I figured the formula was spend time with people until you decide who you would like to spend more time with, then invite them to do so. But I seem to have figured wrongly.



Mona Pereth
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28 Nov 2021, 9:43 pm

Panuru wrote:
For example, how would it vary? I figured the formula was spend time with people until you decide who you would like to spend more time with, then invite them to do so. But I seem to have figured wrongly.

What varies from one type of group to another is (1) how to get people interested in talking to you, in the first place, and (2) what kinds of things are appropriate to talk about during the early phases of getting to know someone.

Examples:

1) If you are trying to attract the attention of possible eventual in-person friends here on Wrong Planet, you need to include your general geographic location in your profile. (Don't be specific enough to endanger your privacy, but do include at least your country, and, in a large country, your province/state/region and/or nearest major metro area.) Also it helps to have a signature line that mentions your interests.

2) In the early phases of getting to know someone, in-depth discussion about one's personal life usually is appropriate if you met the person at a support group, but usually not appropriate if you met the person at any other kind of group, and especially not appropriate if you met the person at a business networking group.


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autisticelders
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30 Nov 2021, 5:36 pm

I have more friends now than I ever had. I used the internet to find others. Here's how. I thought about my strongest interests and joined Facebook groups about those interests. I spent time posting and getting to know others online. When people close to me (in the same state) posted I paid especial attention. Eventually a few people decided to get together to do our favorite activities together. I did not go but watched posts and reached out on messenger to a couple who were local asking if they felt like getting together for an afternoon, evening, whatever, to talk about or to do our interest together. Over a couple of years I now am familiar with many people online in these groups and we enjoy discussing, sharing info, etc over our hobby. There are many activities that can be done around these hobbies as well, so I can ask one or 2 if they would like to meet to do that. It has worked out pretty well. Our friendships started out by shared interests and the ones I got the closest to have turned out to have more in common as well. Start by joining an interest group or 2 and give it time to build relationships. We naturally ask each other for more info about things that are shared in the groups, we already know we have those things in common when we finally get together and sometimes we may know a lot more about each other so sharing information about others on the boards that we know, family members, activities we have done, etc comes more naturally. Best wishes!


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Mona Pereth
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01 Dec 2021, 1:44 am

One could also use other online venues besides Facebook to get to know people.

Personally I don't recommend Facebook as a way to get to know strangers, for safety/privacy reasons. Facebook has the (in my opinion big) disadvantage of requiring people to use their legal names. (Some people do use pseudonyms on Facebook, contrary to policy, but Facebook does occasionally and unpredictably crack down, asking people to upload scans of photo ID.)

When a stranger knows your legal name, that leaves you much more vulnerable to stalking, doxxing, and assorted harassment than you would otherwise be. Thus, when dealing with people whom I have met online, I prefer to wait with revealing my legal name until AFTER I've gotten to know someone.

I personally have had some very bad experiences with online acquaintances who knew my legal name. Other people I know have had even worse experiences. See Warnings about online harassment.


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- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter / "X" (new as of 2021)