Does your partner drain or energise you?

Post Reply New Topic

Both. Sometimes one, sometimes the other. It's not all her fault. Sometimes I want to be alone and sometimes I don't want to be alone. Typically I like to be alone while I'm at home and like to be with other people for outside social activities. I have great fun with her when we're not at home.

I never cared for social activities regardless of where they are located/held but I also majorly hated being single & being away from my romantic partner for an extended period. My mom used to say that I wanted to be a hermit my whole life but the reality is that it is not good for me to be by myself for an extended period because my mental health would get worse & I won't bother taking care of myself or doing anything that may need to be done. People always drain me thou unless they are my romantic partners. The only way I can get close enough & comfortable enough with anybody is for them to be my romantic partner. Everyone else would always drain me. While my current girlfriend & both my exes did drain me some, they still tended to be much more energizing for me. I'm sure most people would find me much more draining than energizing if I were to be in a romantic relationship with them or live with them. My work colleagues probably did not find me that draining but working was my main focus when I was at work. I'm much more difficult for most people to live with or be in a relationship with. While me & my current girlfriend both find each other difficult & draining sometimes, we both know that it would be harder for us if we were with most anyone else & most others would quickly become very frustrated with us.

First she energizes me, then she drains me.

Then we fall asleep.

@Fnord

My wife does energize me and helped me achieving many things. I can say with absolute confidence, that without her, I wouldn't be in the place I am today. Most likely would be a mess.

But this this "energize" is a total sum of all factors. As every couple, we have better and worse days. There's friction sometimes. She is NT and like every NT I know and knew, have trouble coping with her emotions sometimes. This can be draining.

Overall, I think I am more draining for her, though. My AS aside, I have significant problems with short term memory and lost a lot of memories from years 2017-2020. This is because I've been going around with undiagnosed temporal lobe epilepsy for 6 years and it was wreaking havoc in my brain. I'm on medication only since March of last year, but what's gone is gone and while I can improve regarding short term memory, I will never be okay. Neurodegeneration over the years is also a real prospect. I know that I am not an easy person to live with.

The only partner I had which was almost exclusively energising me, was a woman who had affair with me. I was 26 and single, she was 28 and married for two years back then. Not my proudest moment in life, but what I've felt to her was true. The issue is - we weren't living together and engaging in daily routine. Weren't dealing with problems like in normal relationships.

This is why it was always high - when we met we were either going out, having fun, or being at my place, having sex. It was impossible for her to be draining for me. The longest time we've spent together was 2 weeks straight, while her husband was on a "boys road trip".

In normal relationships, though, there are always moments where people feel drained by other person, even in happy NT+NT couples. The sum of it all is what matters. If in the end you find given person to be a positive force in your life and they feel the same about you, it is most likely all good. But if you are feeling constantly drained and miserable in relationship, that's a signal that, at best you both need to get to work on it, or at worst - part ways.

Both can certainly be true, and the difference seems to be dose-dependent. I used to use the term “Toxic level of togetherness” when trying to describe why I felt overwhelmed, eventually, when in someone's presence for too long.

Darron