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Greentea
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29 Jul 2007, 1:56 pm

I've had some messaging with a couple aspies whom I was very interested in conversing with. However, they didn't ask questions, just limited themselves to answer mine. This is usually a sign that a person is not interested, so I stopped writing. It's a bit confusing, because I don't know whether it's disinterest or aspiness.... What do you guys say?


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alexbeetle
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29 Jul 2007, 2:01 pm

I try and pose a question as well as answer one when I am making the effort to socialise but that is a very rare event now. I usually forget to ask people how they are in return when they ask me this in the mornings. Often I think if people would want to tell me things about themselves they would just tell me whether I ask or not...


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TheMachine1
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29 Jul 2007, 2:05 pm

Might just be social anxiety on their part. I naturally will say little around people I do not know well(depends on the situation to if there is no fear of rejection I can speak freely). I talked to a girl on line and meet her IRL but I could not find any words when I meet her. I sinced she was not interested in me so I sent her one last email and never replied to her reply. She never wrote back so I assumed she was not interested.



Asparval
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29 Jul 2007, 2:22 pm

Greentea wrote:
I've had some messaging with a couple aspies whom I was very interested in conversing with. However, they didn't ask questions, just limited themselves to answer mine. This is usually a sign that a person is not interested, so I stopped writing. It's a bit confusing, because I don't know whether it's disinterest or aspiness.... What do you guys say?


I'd say it's classic aspieness; I know I have to conciously try to remember to ask about others. It doesn't come naturally unless I find out they like something I like (eg They keep chickens or like Bach)



2ukenkerl
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29 Jul 2007, 2:40 pm

Greentea wrote:
I've had some messaging with a couple aspies whom I was very interested in conversing with. However, they didn't ask questions, just limited themselves to answer mine. This is usually a sign that a person is not interested, so I stopped writing. It's a bit confusing, because I don't know whether it's disinterest or aspiness.... What do you guys say?


Yeah, it could be just aspiness. My problem is that my basic nature, my lowest level of operating is that EVERYTHING has to have a reason. Of course, that has appeared to change over the years, but is really no less true. That might be one reason why I don't keep in touch with friends, etc... Heck, I get a kick out of how I do something almost subconciously and someone may even ASK why. Sometimes it seems STUPID, and then it later becomes obvious that it was "fortuitous" :lol: that I did it!

Anyway, if you tell someone something, outside of keeping it going, there may be no reason to keep writing back. BTW That doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you, etc... They may even keep MEANING to write. But, without another reason, they just may never write back. 8-(



Stellian
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29 Jul 2007, 7:30 pm

So everyone agrees that it's an aspie behaviour.

But I've been exchanging emails with an aspie, who only asks me questions and asks for my opinion, without andswering my questions about her. In other words, it's the opposite situation. Is she deliberately trying to hide her aspieness, or just being naturally different?



Mishcana
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29 Jul 2007, 9:13 pm

I know for most of my circle of friends (two diagnosed, three suspected, some just plain ol' add or utter geekhood.) if I don't contact them, they don't contact me. It's very difficult for me, because I like to hang out with other geeks, but was told at a young age if someone doesn't want to hang out iwth you or isn't interested, they don't call and you should not call them. Not this is very good at stopping me, as it doesn't make sense to me; it just adds to the anxiety.

Of course, on one friend, I wonder if I really am annoying him, and it just plain causes me a lot of anxiety.

The rest of the friends (Especially those that are official and confirmed) just don't think of calling, and are happy to hang out when you ask them. Most of the time they're bored too, and don't mind hanging out.

One gets a little bit stressful as he makes plans to meet up, doesn't, then doesn't call for two days. The Neurotypical response is: Oh, he's trying to give you hint. Yet whenever I ask, he says it's not the case.

Hope that little tangent helps :/

Though, if anyone knows what you should say to someone before giving up on them completely, I'd love to know. I'm having that problem with a couple.



2ukenkerl
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29 Jul 2007, 10:03 pm

Stellian wrote:
So everyone agrees that it's an aspie behaviour.

But I've been exchanging emails with an aspie, who only asks me questions and asks for my opinion, without andswering my questions about her. In other words, it's the opposite situation. Is she deliberately trying to hide her aspieness, or just being naturally different?


You misunderstood. Reread my last post. Your friend did just what I said.

I have written to people for opinions, bowdlerizing, to settle curiousity, be nice, etc... I have to almost STRUGGLE to keep it going. I never kept it going THAT long. That is NOTHING against the people I wrote to. I wish I knew them personally, etc... It is just me. If they see this, and didn't know why it ended up as it did, now they know. There were only like three people that wrote to me that I didn't like, and those exchanges were only a couple posts.



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29 Jul 2007, 10:44 pm

It might not be a bad idea just to ask.
'Hey, do you enjoy writing/doing stuff with me?'
A NT might lie to avoid an awkward social situation, but an aspie would probably give you an honest answer.



Zara
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30 Jul 2007, 1:03 am

Some conversations with people online are like that with me. Ask a question... answer... maybe answer a question... ask another question...
Of course some people I talk to may not be aspies though. Only one I know of for certain, others are just shy I suppose.



Stellian
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30 Jul 2007, 12:17 pm

2ukenkerl wrote:
Stellian wrote:
So everyone agrees that it's an aspie behaviour.

But I've been exchanging emails with an aspie, who only asks me questions and asks for my opinion, without andswering my questions about her. In other words, it's the opposite situation. Is she deliberately trying to hide her aspieness, or just being naturally different?


You misunderstood. Reread my last post. Your friend did just what I said.

I have written to people for opinions, bowdlerizing, to settle curiousity, be nice, etc... I have to almost STRUGGLE to keep it going. I never kept it going THAT long. That is NOTHING against the people I wrote to. I wish I knew them personally, etc... It is just me. If they see this, and didn't know why it ended up as it did, now they know. There were only like three people that wrote to me that I didn't like, and those exchanges were only a couple posts.


I've been there too, meaning to write and reply without being able to find what to write, or why to do it. I should have thought of this first, that must be her problem.



matt271
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30 Jul 2007, 12:37 pm

Greentea wrote:
I've had some messaging with a couple aspies whom I was very interested in conversing with. However, they didn't ask questions, just limited themselves to answer mine. This is usually a sign that a person is not interested, so I stopped writing. It's a bit confusing, because I don't know whether it's disinterest or aspiness.... What do you guys say?


maybe thats why some ppl i talked to "confronted" me about it. asking me if i even like them, etc. i was confused why they asked and i told them if i dont like you i wouldnt talk to you.



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30 Jul 2007, 1:19 pm

I think their lack of reciprocity in pms is just aspiness. I always fail to ask "leading" questions in social situations; I just end up answering questions posed to me. When people are talking about themselves, I'll ask them questions about whatever it is they're already pontificating on, or I'll share a similar experience of mine, but I never remember to question them on something they haven't brought up themselves, nor do I bring up personal stuff about myself without first being asked. I just don't think to do stuff like that, and I'm not shy in the least. For me, it's AS-related.



EatingPoetry
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30 Jul 2007, 1:59 pm

I have to make a conscious effort to remember to ask about someone else when they've asked about me. It just doesn't come naturally. But in the meantime I'm thinking, hey, cool, someone's talking to me!

If I didn't want to keep up the communication with someone, I'd just not respond at all. Great way to handle things, eh? :roll:


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Aradford
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30 Jul 2007, 2:36 pm

Thats how I work, I am usually doing something in the background though, be it reading, playing guitar, or staring at the wall thinking...

Doesn't mean I am not interested, I am just not motivated to ask questions.