"Gift of singleness" vs "Gift of aspieness"

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Seriously? Are you trying to make me believe that my use of a synonym for the word 'plenty' threw you off? You said, and I quote, "I am not alone: I read that plenty of others view "gift" of singleness as an oppression tool" to which I responded, " Okay. Many people hold this opinion..." If you can't see that 'plenty of others' and 'many people' are effectively the same, then I have no idea how to continue this discussion.





I am seventy-four days older today than the day I was diagnosed with autism level two. October 13th, 2021

First of all, I don't remember things I say verbatim. So the fact that I didn't remember it until you quoted it now is not on purpose.

But now that you reminded me of it, here is why I mentioned "plenty of others". In a lot of my other posts I make my own theories and nobody can relate to them. So right now I tried to make it easier to relate to by pointing out that others said it too. Maybe others use different words than me so that they are easier to relate to? But whatever it is, I thought people would be able to relate better that way.

However, this doesn't change the fact that I started thinking this way a long time ago, while I ran onto "others" saying it only recently. Since they happened to confirm my thinking, thats why I quoted them.



Was it the first time you were diagnosed or did you have prior diagnoses?

How come you are level 2 and I am level 1 despite your social skills being so much better?

I was severely autistic as a young kid. It might be said that some deity “gave me another chance.”

These days, I am seen as being sort of odd, and am not admitted into most social circles. But I am not seen as being specifically “autistic.”

Alrighty then. I would like to point out that you did not need to verbatim. I quoted it in the same post that you said, "I didn't say that." No worries; I miss stuff too, I just thought you were trying to be argumentative at that point. I'm glad to hear that wasn't the case. Apparently, I was wrong for thinking that - sorry.



Okay, fair enough.





It was my first time being diagnosed on the autism spectrum. I have been diagnosed with many other conditions prior.



I answered this question in the other thread but perhaps you didn't see it. Nevertheless, this is what I said there:

you are a bit too negative and only seeing the malicious aspect. Sure, the whole "be yourself" thing just glosses over the "so no one has to care" part - but at the same time, why beat yourself up for being single, aspie or any other situation you're in. No, being single isn't a gift, but you do get a lot of free time to pursue other interests. Personally, I recently had a bit of a change in direction, careerwise, abd it took me 24/7 for about two years straight, but now I'm good at this new thing I'm doing. Had I been in a relationship, I probably wouldn't have had the time to get half as good. So, yeah, use your free time, I guess.

Being an Aspie is similar: yeah, you just won't enjoy sozializing as much, and it seems to be the most enjoyable thing of all for NTs. But you do enjoy some weird thing only few other people even understand... so... enjoy that, because all the NT stuff will be kinda meh, even if you push yourself.

I have never related more to anything written. So true!

I tried pushing myself to be normal, but I did not enjoy it.

Strangely enough, when you put it this way I actually see your point. Because I remember that during my past long term relationshps I had to give up some of my favorite activities. For example I like to explore the town but when I was in a long term relationship I was "expected" to be at my girlfriends place and felt stuck.

I guess the reason the advice "be yourself" didn't make much sense to me is that I didn't interpret it as "go travel places". Rather I interpretted it as "meditate yourself into happiness" and meditation makes no sense to me. But I guess if I think of it, the other person never said either of these two things. So its possible I simply filled in the blanks incorrectly.

But then again, even if I do interpret it as "go travel places", I still have to say that without being in a relationship I am not fully happy. So I guess I am not fully happy either way:

If I am single then I am not fully happy because I don't have someone who loves me

If I am taken then I am not fully happy because I can't go travel places

I guess one logical advice given those two things would be to find someone who likes to travel just like I do? But no, that won't work either. Because I specifically like travelling by myself since it gives me a sense of freedom.

So I guess I want the kind of a relationship where I both have enough relationship-time and enough me-time. I need relationship-time in order for it not to be like one of those relationships "in name only" (and I had some of those too) yet enough me-time so that I won't feel trapped.

Now, if I look at "honeymoon" stages of my past relationships, thats exactly what they were. Thats why I miss those stages so much. The only problem is that it didn't continue that way past first few months.

But what I just said refers to exactly *three* long term relationships. One of them was long distance (so it felt like one of the ones "in name only" -- although no freedom was lost) and the other two, which were in person, is where it was a honeymoon in the beginning and loss of freedom in the end. Now, there were several other ones that were mostly online and short term, but I don't think those count: they would fall into "in the name only" category if they did.

So, given that I am only really looking at a sample of three, I think its possible to have long term relationships where the honeymoon phase lasts longer (hopefully forever, since I ultimately want marriage and kids). I don't have big enough sample to argue otherwise. Plus, when I look at other couples, it certainly looks as if they are on their honeymoon stage indefinitely.

I know that some people tell me that these "happy couples" only put that kind of front when they are in public, while behind the scenes their relationships are a lot more similar to the kind I used to resent. But its just hard to believe.

On a completely different note I don't have money to travel that often anyway. Thats probably one of the reasons why I interpretted the advice "be yourself" as "meditate" (hence the resentment) since I don't have money to do much of anything else. And at the same time, part of the reason why I turn women off looks-wise is also money: don't have money to get regular haircuts. So I guess it "is" all about money (as strangely as it sounds coming from me, since thats usually the last thing I think about): I don't have money to be attractive to women, nor do I have money to be happy as single.

But then again its not like I am that poor either: my salary is 1800 dollars a month and my rent is 700 dollars a month. So maybe I should cut off on that habbit of buying snacks every time I pass the snack-shop (the other example of something I didn't have guts to do when I was in front of my past girlfriends)? Although again, "buying food at every snack shop I pass" is part of what makes traveling so enjoyable. So I dunno. I have expensive hobbies I guess. At least thats all I can think of if I were to interpret "be happy with yourself" in any way OTHER THAN "go meditate" (and like I said, I hate any advice along meditation lines).

What do you mean by "meditate"?

Have you ever enjoyed by traveling with someone. My Mum and I like to do the same things on holiday or just local trips to interesting places, so I like traveling with her, but with other friends, not so much.

You might find someone you actually enjoy exploring with. That's what I'm looking for.

I understand what you're saying though. I enjoy photography and I find that if I go somewhere with a friend they want to talk and walk, but I miss seeing interesting things to take photos of or I see something, but it's not a good time to stop and I would seem rude to shoosh them whilst I start taking photos.

Its interesting you actually mentioned your mom, because my mom is a prime example of someone I do "not" like to travel with. But that is because she treats me as a little kid. Thats why being with her in any context equates to loss of independence. Traveling even more so: if I simply live in her place I can at least make up an excuse to get out of the house and go somewhere (although its hard). If I travel with her, I am stuck with her for the duration of the travel.

Sometimes I think that my problems with establishing independence in the relationships stem from the problems of independence from my mom. Because I project some of the attitudes my mom has and automatically assume my girlfriends have similar attitudes. Maybe if I could remind myself that they are not my mom that would solve some of the problems.

I remember at the end of the relationship with my second ex (it pretty much ended by my leaving to India for postdocs) I took her to one of the restaurants I used to enjoy back when I was single. I then discovered that she liked that place. I actually told her that I regret that I never took her there because it would have been a win/win: I wouldn't have felt trapped and she would have felt like I was contributting something to a relationship. She told me that she agrees with me, and added that I had only myself to blame (yes she, in fact, put it this way, because she was angry at some of the control issues in the context of her conflict with my mom). But then again, I left to India the day after and, few weeks later, she broke up with me so I never had a chance to make up for it.

P.S. As far as meditate, I just mean a version of the advice "be yourself" that doesn't materialize in any concrete things like traveling and so forth. Because, until hobbies were mentioned in this thread, it never crossed my mind they were referring to it. So I was like "what exactly do you mean be happy with yourself, its not anything concrete, so it sounds like a cop-out".

Saying things that way still would not have worked on me. My romantic partner is my special interest & all my other interests are more to kill time when I cant be with my partner or it's best for her to have a break from me. I feel bad if I'm away from my partner for a while but I don't feel that bad when I don't engage in my special interests & hobbies for a while. There have been many times when I felt bad & missed my hobbies but it was because other things were stressing me out & I wanted a break from them. Things like work, school, & my parents on my back were stressful & my hobbies were my way of winding down to relax. I was a workaholic when I was working & allowed to work overtime because I felt needed & appreciated by some & it got me around others. Plus I was hoping that working would help me get a girlfriend. I enjoyed my hobbies when I had the time off to but they were more of a relaxing way to pass time than things that I needed to do because they were super enjoyable or meant a great deal to me. In some ways I had way too much free time when I was single & not working & it was kinda boring & depressing for me. Being single is bad for my mental health. My current romantic partner can be very stressful sometimes, or lots of times but overall I still find her more energizing, enjoyable, & rewarding than not & my hobbies majorly fail in comparison.

QFT your last post makes a lot of sense. My parents always nurtured my independence to the point of dancing on the edge of neglectful. I have had people call me too independent.

I have a friend who had overbearing parents so when we were on holiday she would often wander off and explore and we didn't know where she was. She would always find her way back to us. I worried she would get lost, but your post has made me realise that she just needed some space.

I think if you explain yourself you'll find someone who understands eventually. Communication is difficult, but very important.

Interestingly enough, I am both like and un-like this. When I am single, then yes my special interests are just "a way to kill time while I am waiting for my partner". But when I am taken then suddenly I feel like "my partner is taking me away from my interests" and I can't wait to get a break from my partner so that I can get back to them. I think a big part of it is a control issue.

A good example is internet. I first learned to use the internet when I was 18 (back in 1998) so I still remember the time before the internet was around and I felt a lot more healthy that way. Yet I am addicted to that, so I would definitely say its one of my special interests. And, when I am on my own, I am trying to find way to separate myself from the internet. In fact one of the great things about my other interest, travel, is that I purposely "don't" take computer with me. But here comes the twist. If I feel like someone "else" separates me from the internet (I don't have guts to log into the internet when other people are in the room, especially not to wrongplanet) then this is one of the times when I wish I could get a me-time so that I get to do it. But wait a second. I have *ALREADY* separated myself from the internet for a few days while traveling, and I was enjoying every second of it. Yet if someone *ELSE* separates me from the internet for just half an hour, then I don't like it. So I guess its one thing to do something myself and its the other thing when the restriction seems imposed from outside.

The other example is food. So a year ago I noticed a mix between normal and pre-diabetic numbers on my glucometer. Every single glucose measurement at the doctors office is normal, so none of the doctors think I am pre-diabetic. But I can't just ignore what I keep seeing on my glucometers (even though the doctors keep telling me I should) so I am still worried. One obvious thing to do is to cut off carbs. Even if I am not pre-diabetic there is nothing to lose healthwise, but if I am pre-diabetic there is a lot to lose by still eating them. Now, the idea of doing it felt horrible to me. And it was for two reasons:

a) If I am with someone (whether it be my mom or someone I date or my professors or even students) then one way I would "celebrate" the break from that interaction would be by eating sweets (which I would never want to do in front of them, which is one reason why I would keep looking for such a break).

b) If I feel alone then one way I would "fill in the vacuum" is by eating sweets too.

Well, one thing I just discovered is that reason "a" is actually stronger than reason "b". Because you see, I started worrying about the glucose a year ago. But in Fall 2020 -- Spring 2021 I was living with my mom since university was distant due to covid. I only moved away from her in August 2021. Well, up until I moved away from her, I couldn't even begin to stop eating sweets (and the fact that the diet she fed me didn't have any, probably played a big role too). I kept buying various bars every single time she would send me to a grocery store. But then, after I moved away, I finally managed to knock that off. And then I grew to realize that once I don't eat sweets that regularly, my sweet addiction ends up decreasing making it easier and easier. But now that it is a school break I went back to my mom for 2 weeks. And, guess what: I once again see myself eating sweets. During rare occasions when she finally leaves the house I *have to* eat things around the house to take such a rare opportunity. Or when she sends me to grocery store then its again a rare opportunity that I can't miss. Why is it so rare? Because my mom is controling, so I can't just leave the house any time I want. There is got to be a reason such as going grocery shopping. Since it doesn't happen every day, I don't want to miss that opportunity.

Thats actually the main reason I want the me-time so much. I feel like others separate me from my interests, whether it sweets or internet. And in cases of some of them I would like to find the way to separate myself from them anyway. But that better be me separating myself, without any outside help. The moment there is "outside help" then I am just waiting until I can get back to them, because I don't like feeling controlled.

Thank you so much for sharing it. It feels like your friend is "almost exactly" like me. Except for the fact that she has more guts: I wouldn't have guts to walk away from the group, I would just be sitting there waiting until they finally start dissipating. But still I clearly "wish" I were to do the same thing she did.

In any case its nice to learn I am not the only one in the world the way I am. My walls of text are usually due to an assumption that nobody ever experienced what I experienced so I need those walls of text to express myself. But maybe its not true? If there are others on the same boat then maybe its the matter of finding words or concepts that have already been invented to describe such situations? Perhaps some key words like "controling parents" would help shorten my walls of text, if other people with controling parents experienced the same thing?

Apparently the word "Asperger" isn't enough since a lot of aspies on Wrongplanet can't relate to me. But perhaps a combination of "Asperger", "overbearing parents", "infantilism", "social anxiety" and a couple of other key words I wish I could find might be able to allow me to express myself in a more relatable way?

How is your friend currently doing by the way? Is she also on the spectrum by any chance?

Speaking of "not having guts to walk away", even though I don't have them now, I surely did back when I was little kid. Both from my parents and from the kindergarden. In few occasions they had to call a police to find me. That was actually how I first got diagnosed: the kindergarden teacher said that she couldn't deal with me, so she refused to have me in her group and, at the same time, recommended some autism group for me to join.

It was 1980-s so it was the only autism group in Russia. So I guess it was an accident she even heard of it. Back then there was no Asperger so that group decided to use levels to classify autism, but they did it in the opposite way to how they do now: the lower the number the more severe it would be. So their level 1 is current level 3, their level 2 is current level 2, their levels 3 and 4 are both current level 1 (with level 3 being Asperger and level 4 being HFA, because they separated the two by saying that level 3 have special interests and level 4 doesn't, and aspies have more pronounced special interests than HFA folk). So they gave me level 3 dignosis, but apparently they weren't so sure about it so they put a question mark. The first time I got dignosis without a question mark was in America when I was 15, and thats when I was diagnoses with Asperger (with no more question marks).

In any case, going back to the running away issue, it makes me think of something interesting. So I always thought that the reason my parents are so controling is because of my Russian diagnosis (I don't recall their behavior changing in respones to American diagnosis). Now, the reason for the Russian diagnosis was my running away. Since the cause happens before the consequence, this logically means that back at the time I was running away I wasn't diagnosed yet. But now we are saying that running away is a response to control issues. So does it mean that they were being controling even BEFORE I was diagnosed the very first time (contrary to what I used to assume)?

I guess its possible. One thing I know from what my grandma was telling me is that my running away had to do with the fact that I was preferring living at my grandparents place rather than my parents. Now they were living at the opposite sides of Moscow so there is no way I would be able to actually find my grandparents place. But I kept hoping I would. So my grandma told me there were times when I would grab her by her hand and tell her "lets go see my grandpa" (referring their house where they were living) and then drag her in various random directions. Also she told me that during one of the times I went missing at the kindergarden and my mom called a police on me, when they finally found me, and my mom asked me why I ran away, I told her "I wanted to find my grandpa".

Now, part of the reason I liked my grandparents better than my parents could very well be the fact that my parents were controling. I remember I was "sharing secrets with my grandma" that she would promise me not to tell my parents. So that is very similar to what I am doing now when I am "sharing secrets with Internet" which I wouldn't tell my parents OR grandma (well, now that the rest of them died, it all reduced to my mom, but at least it used to be both parents AND my grandma -- while my grandpa died before I ever learned internet existed). Same concept just different roles. I guess its possible that the reason I used to trust my grandma more than my parents is because my parents were more controling. Which, again, must have happened BEFORE I was ever diagnosed.

Although diagnosis did make it worse. I mean as you see, they let me go to the kindergarden by myself. Yet my mom was sitting with me in class the first three grades of elementary school. During grades 5-8 (we skipped over grade 4 due to school system changes), my mom was no longer sitting with me at class, but she would still accompany me on field trips (while in the kindergarden she didn't, which is why I was running away).

So maybe the way to put it is that they were controling BEFORE I was diagnosed. This caused me to run away. This, in turn, caused me to become diagnosed. This, in turn, caused me to become EVEN MORE controling than before. This made my issues worse, and then it was a sort of downward spiral.

Although, interestingly enough, I don't remember needing my space from them during elementary school years. I was perfectly fine with my mom being with me both in class and throughout the rest of the day. I was happinly sharing things with my mom just like I did with my grandmaa (no more secrets). It was starting from age 12 onward that I started feeling controlled and needed independence (which is when my mom was no longer in class with me, but both my parents and my grandma were controling in other ways).

Although again, I can't deny the fact that I was running away before the age of 5, and I do recall wispering to my grandma the secrets from parents back at that young age. So I guess it sort of went back and forth if I think of it.

I even think that maybe the reason they were controling is to prevent me from running away, like I did at 5. Yet it had the opposite effect in that it actually made me want to do so even more. But I don't have guts to do it. So my "not having guts" is what gave them what they want (regardless of my actual wishes). So I am wondering: are there some psychological ways of raising a kid so that they have more or less initiative? If so, could it be that my parents purposely raised me so that I have "less initiative", that way I wouldn't run away. But then "having less initiative" spilled out in other areas, such as dating?

A good analogy would be ECT treatment (no I never had ECT by the way). So the purpose of ECT is to prevent the brain from hallucinating. But you can't just stop hallucinations without stopping the rest of brain functions. So actually what ECT does is that it ruins the brain period. Do they want to ruin the rest of brain functions? No. But since they can't separate "unwanted" brain functions (hallucinations) form "wanted" ones (academic performence) they decide to "throw the baby with a bathwater" so to speak.

So could it be my parents did the same thing. While they might not have wanted me to lose my initiative in dating later in life, they surely wanted me to lose my initiative as a little kid so that I wouldn't run away. Since they couldn't do one without the other, they decided to "throw a baby with a bathwater". So they raised me in a way that I wouldn't have initiative. Thats why I didn't try to run away past the age of 5. But thats also why I have trouble with initiative now in dating and other situations.

If thats the case, then here is something even more interesting. When I complain to my mom that women don't approach me, she often tells me I should approach them myself. I then tell her I don't have guts to approach them, and she would tell me I should force myself to do it (which I insist not to -- not just because of guts but also the pride thing). But maybe my "not having guts" is HER doing from the start. She didn't want me to have guts to run away, but the only way she could do it is by raising me so that I don't have guts to show ANY initiative at all, as a result I don't have guts to ask a woman out, and now she is telling me that I should. Which sounds rather hypocritical if you look at it this way.

I'm kinda pre-diabetic as well or I was at least. I think a big reason why I got there is due to binge eating. I always been a very picky eater(thou I have gotten a lot better than when I was little but I'm still very picky) & my mom hated cooking special meals for me so I would usually eat one big meal a day when mom would cook something I ate or would pull something out the fridge or freezer. I was skinny then & when I was real little there was concern about me dying due to how little I would eat because I hated the food. When stuff I did like was available, I would always eat until I was very uncomfortably full or all the food was gone. I gained a lot of weight since I moved in with my girlfriend 10 years ago because I can get food I like more & I kinda need to eat 3 meals a day now due to meds & supplements but I still have the urge to pig out when I do eat. I also really like snacks, sweets, junk food, & fast food. I've been trying to cut down on buying snacks/sweets/junk food because I really can not afford to & I won't be able to eat as much if they are not around. I still slip up a lot thou including this morning & yesterday; I ate a can of Scorchin BBQ Pringles & a bag of peanut-butter M&Ms(NOT individual snack size M&Ms, they were in a resealable bag) that I bought yesterday & now I have no more snacks.

I never checked my blood myself because I don't really know what the numbers mean & hate having my blood drawn. My docs have been concerned about me being pre-diabetic for years now. My psychiatrist put me on Seroquel/Quetiapine about a year & a half ago & one of the potential side-effects is that it can cause diabetes so him & my GP started watching my blood work more closely & my my numbers have gradually been going down & I'm no longer within the pre-diabetic range. I have not made any other med changes but I have started a supplement around the time I started Seroquel after noticing it at Walgreens around diabetic stuff. It's called "VirMax, Blood Sugar Stabilization Formula". I'm not sure if that is helping any since I have also been trying to cut down on the snacks & sweets but I do think it is a possibility. My doc also started prescribing me an injection to give myself 1ce a week called Ozempic/Semaglutide. It can help with weight loss besides diabetes which is partly why I was prescribed it even thou I'm no longer pre-diabetic now. Plus with Ozempic I won't need to deal with testing my blood myself. I'm much better at getting shots than having my blood drawn due to small rolling veins. My GP is concerned about me becoming pre-diabetic again due to my combo of meds & my weight. Ozempic is pretty new so I don't know a lot about it. I'm supposed to stick it in my lower stomach or I think around my thighs. I haven't gotten around to starting it yet thou. I need to watch the vids more 1st & it's hard to get myself to try giving myself a shot since I've never done that before. Since today is New Years Day, maybe I should make a resolution to do that sometime before I go to bed for the night(my night anyways). I should start trying to be more active as well. I'll try the thighs since they would be less sensitive than my lower stomach. I have about half a month of the VirMax supplement left so I'll take em till I run out. I'm not really recommending it, what I will recommend is for everyone to do some research before trying anything. I would be interested to know if anybody here is on it or has tried it.


My mom has been kinda controlling with me till I moved out. I think part of the reason is because she's kinda a perfectionist & she wanted to teach me independence but her methods of teaching did not work well for me. It came off to me as being nitpicky & critical which caused me to become very frustrated & give up trying. I figured if she's gonna be upset either way or do it herself after me, I might as well save myself the effort & time. My girlfriend has noticed that my dad will ask my mom about how she wants things done & mom gets mad at him for asking but if mom is not around at the time, dad has no problem doing the things himself. I think my relationship with my mom is a major reason I preferred a romantic partner who is kinda dependent & passive instead of independent & dominating. I want my romantic partner to respect & appreciate me & I often did not feel like my mom did. I'm not really trying to blame my mom here thou. In some ways she's done much more for me than most parents woulda done for their kids, especially after they became adults but she also b!tched about it a lot. We have a much better relationship since I've moved out & was only seeing her & dad a couple times a year before the pandemic due to the hassle & costs of traveling. I haven't seen my parents in about 3 years but we do talk on the phone 1ce a week.

Thankfully, I never used any meds: neither psychiatric, nor glucose, nor anything in between. So everything you said is a bunch of French to me. But lets see if I could ask some questions that could help me understand it.

So are you saying you went from one issue to the complete opposite?

Actually it is rather simple. When you wake in the morning, then the normal is anything in 70-s, 80-s or 90-s. The pre-diabetes is 100-125 and diabetes is above 125.

Then 1 and 2 hours after meal normal is below 140, pre-diabetes is 140-199 and diabetes is above 200.

Now that applies only if you eat 75 grams of carbs. As a pre-diabetic you should try to eat less than that. So if you keep it under 140 simply because you ate less carbs, you are still pre-diabetic: because if you increase your carb load, the glucose will get above 140 again. So you still have to eat less than most people, which is what pre-diabetic means.

But keeping it under 140 should be your goal since each time it is above 140 the damage is occuring. So even though you are still pre-diabetic regardless, you should still try to make sure it stays under 140.

Seroquel sounds like antipsychotic. Do you have psychotic symptoms in addition to Asperger?

If you are saying it can cause diabetes why did your numbers go down instead?

If supplement is the reason your glucose is normal, then you are still pre-diabetic. Being "no longer pre-diabetic" means your glucose can stay normal completely on its own WITHOUT any meds/supplements and WITHOUT having to watch what you eat.

I noticed the term "reverse pre-diabetes" has been misused in a way that they apply it to people who CONTROL it through diet. From my point of view they haven't reversed it if they still have to control it. The linguistic meaning of the word "reverse" means "make it as if it never happened": no supplements, no diet, etc.

Is it possible to truly reverse pre-diabetes in MY sense of the word? I really hope so, although my google searches don't sound too optimistic. I think the answer is probably no, but I am still kinda hoping for a yes.

You are losing me here. What is 1ce?

I haven't heard of that either.

Now you are losing me even more.

Is Ozempic a medicine or is it a way to test blood?

Are you saying you won't need to test blood because it would normalize it? But in this case isn't normalizing the glucose good in itself -- regardless of how easy or hard for you to test it?

Are you saying you are supposed to inject a med with a needle there? Or are you saying its just a badge of some sort?

You said earlier you don't like needles. So if its not a needle, how is it supposed to work?