What are your red flags in relationships?

Page 5 of 6 [ 88 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next

nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 25,199
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

26 Dec 2021, 6:05 am

DmitriNicholaev wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
1) Narcissism -- A good test when you meet someone is to casually mention a problem you have in your life. Anything. It doesn't have to be a huge problem, but disclose something. If they respond by

a) ignoring it or never mentioning it again
b) telling you stories all about themselves (like a competition)
c) telling you how to fix your problem

.... then you know you've found the wrong person.


The bolded and underline has to be a joke, right???

I'm just confused how on earth trying to help someone makes someone a narcissist. Look I get it that you've been abused and traumatized and been through really horrible s**t, but it's not right to label entire swathes of men and women narcissists just for the mere crime of having a benevolent heart and wanting to help others.

Can you clarify your comment please?
I do that one myself when trying to help someone. I also talk about my problems I've had or still have when trying to help relate to someone if my problems seem somewhat similar. Us Aspies are sometimes thought to be Narcissists thou so maybe I am one & maybe everyone is depending on how you look at em :shrug:


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


IsabellaLinton
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2017
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 46,118

26 Dec 2021, 12:10 pm

nick007 wrote:
DmitriNicholaev wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
1) Narcissism -- A good test when you meet someone is to casually mention a problem you have in your life. Anything. It doesn't have to be a huge problem, but disclose something. If they respond by

a) ignoring it or never mentioning it again
b) telling you stories all about themselves (like a competition)
c) telling you how to fix your problem

.... then you know you've found the wrong person.


The bolded and underline has to be a joke, right???

I'm just confused how on earth trying to help someone makes someone a narcissist. Look I get it that you've been abused and traumatized and been through really horrible s**t, but it's not right to label entire swathes of men and women narcissists just for the mere crime of having a benevolent heart and wanting to help others.

Can you clarify your comment please?
I do that one myself when trying to help someone. I also talk about my problems I've had or still have when trying to help relate to someone if my problems seem somewhat similar. Us Aspies are sometimes thought to be Narcissists thou so maybe I am one & maybe everyone is depending on how you look at em :shrug:


I didn't say that no one should offer advice or problem-solving for others. I said that if you are meeting someone for the fist time, and you mention a problem but their only response is "Here's how to fix it", and they don't get to know your strengths, weaknesses, concerns, or ability for following those instructions, there's something missing. If they don't even want your input but only offer their own, it's a red flag that they might continue speaking over you through the relationship.

It's especially true if they don't mention the problem again or inquire to see how you're feeling about it later on.

Example: "So, I'm having a problem because of ____________".

"Oh, all you need to do is ____________. " (Then switches the topic or doesn't invite dialogue on the issue).

That's a lot different than offering support and advice to people we know well, in a conversation style, asking if they think the input might be helpful / useful, and following up to support them as it unfolds.

Please note I didn't say it makes the person a narcissist. I said it's a "red flag" that they're the wrong person, and they COULD BE a narcissist. Most people are on their best behaviour on first dates and they seek to have reciprocal conversations. If a date starts out with one person solving the other one's problems and not asking for dialogue, that's a warning the relationship will stay this way regardless of how you'll choose to label it. It's a form of trivialising or invalidating the other person, or their problems, even if they have good intentions.

It's a red flag. I didn't even say it was a dealbreaker. It's something to notice, and be wary of. If I saw the person again I'd be watching to see if the pattern continued.

And no, I don't joke about personality disorders but thanks for asking.



Last edited by IsabellaLinton on 26 Dec 2021, 12:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

blitzkrieg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,537
Location: In a square sphere of abstract, nuanced thought.

26 Dec 2021, 12:22 pm

Yep.

I talked to some biological adult female online, back in 2014 I think it was? Every conversation she just asked me how good she looked on a scale of '1 to 10', had me talking about her but didn't ask a single question about me.

Grim.


_________________
Cultural Conservative, Economic Socialist.
Christian (LGBTQ+ affirming).
Abstract & critical thinker. 2nd wave feminist.
All humans are equal before God.
Freedom, is the sovereign right, of America.
On vacation


nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 25,199
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

26 Dec 2021, 5:22 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I didn't say that no one should offer advice or problem-solving for others. I said that if you are meeting someone for the fist time, and you mention a problem but their only response is "Here's how to fix it", and they don't get to know your strengths, weaknesses, concerns, or ability for following those instructions, there's something missing. If they don't even want your input but only offer their own, it's a red flag that they might continue speaking over you through the relationship.

It's especially true if they don't mention the problem again or inquire to see how you're feeling about it later on.

Example: "So, I'm having a problem because of ____________".

"Oh, all you need to do is ____________. " (Then switches the topic or doesn't invite dialogue on the issue).

That's a lot different than offering support and advice to people we know well, in a conversation style, asking if they think the input might be helpful / useful, and following up to support them as it unfolds.

Please note I didn't say it makes the person a narcissist. I said it's a "red flag" that they're the wrong person, and they COULD BE a narcissist. Most people are on their best behaviour on first dates and they seek to have reciprocal conversations. If a date starts out with one person solving the other one's problems and not asking for dialogue, that's a warning the relationship will stay this way regardless of how you'll choose to label it. It's a form of trivialising or invalidating the other person, or their problems, even if they have good intentions.

It's a red flag. I didn't even say it was a dealbreaker. It's something to notice, and be wary of. If I saw the person again I'd be watching to see if the pattern continued.

And no, I don't joke about personality disorders but thanks for asking.
Thanx for explaining. That makes a lot more sense & seems more practical :D


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 25,199
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

27 Dec 2021, 7:34 am

I thought of another red flag. She acts like a mom with me. While I do need people to be straightforward when they want something from me like directly telling me what to do, how to do, & when it needs to be done; I do not need nor want to be micromanaged. I also do not want my partner to do or feel the need to do everything. My mom did the latter & she gripped about it alot. I also want my input to be valued & appreciated instead of my partner taking charge with everything & having the "It's my way or the highway" mindset. My partner treating me like a child would lead to major resentment for both of us. That said, while it would be a major red flag, this is something that likely would not get noticed till after we were in a relationship. I'd hate being in breakups & I hate being single after so I would really try to have a serious discussion with her & try working things out.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


blitzkrieg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,537
Location: In a square sphere of abstract, nuanced thought.

27 Dec 2021, 9:13 am

DmitriNicholaev wrote:
Here are my red flags. So I hate hate HATE radical feminists with a passion, and thus the following red flags for me indicates the woman I'm with is a radical feminist or bad person in general:

For everything wrong she or other women do there has to be a mitigating factor, extenuating circumstance and or context to justify or exculpate her bad behavior, such as being on her period, being stressed out, etc.; but every single errancy, infraction - real or perceived - or mistake from me or another guy is ipso facto men acting like pigs, men being irredeemable monsters, or something where the guy is a super villain without any sympathy nor empathy. Basically the types of people who support Amber Heard.

Gender roles are emphasized only when it benefits your interests but gender roles are completely meaningless when it involves sacrificing from your needs or wants to please your partner. For example radical feminists I've met have no issue with men being the ones expected to pay for their partners, to spend on them whenever they want as frivolously as they want, and basically they want a man to be the traditional man who conforms to chivalry, but as soon as the man asks his partner to fulfill his needs and adhere to traditional gender roles in ways that make him happy or sacrifice from her interests such as asking her to make him a meal after he comes home from work exhausted, all hell breaks loose and that man is a terrible misogynist and a symbol of patriarchy. Basically we call such people parasites. It's either gender roles for both or no gender roles: no such thing as gender roles when you like it but only when you like it.

If the partner expects her flaws and mistakes to just be ignored and overlooked or chalked up to a mitigating circumstance but my flaws and mistakes need a 10 hour mea culpa and long apology for and she holds a grudge then that person is a hypocrite.

If my partner wants to treat others how she herself doesnt want to be treated, or expects others to treat her how she herself doesnt treat others, then that person is a parasite and narcissistic and not worth my time

Basically anyone who exhibits a hypocrisy where "what's good for me isn't for thee" can leave. I don't tolerate hypocrites, radical feminists who think women have all these rights but no responsibilities, and that they're entitled to fair treatment but dont want to be fair to others.


You have summed up radical feminism perfectly there.

- Hypocritical
- Nonsensical
- Highly unfair to biological men.


_________________
Cultural Conservative, Economic Socialist.
Christian (LGBTQ+ affirming).
Abstract & critical thinker. 2nd wave feminist.
All humans are equal before God.
Freedom, is the sovereign right, of America.
On vacation


blueroses
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,085
Location: Lancaster, PA

30 Dec 2021, 9:24 pm

I have plenty of red flags and it's great to be aware of them, I guess, but my issue is managing to not overlook them and having the courage to leave if they show themselves after I've formed an emotional attachment to someone. My last relationship that ended recently left me wanting to work on that (among other things) before even thinking about dating again.



IsabellaLinton
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2017
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 46,118

30 Dec 2021, 10:36 pm

blueroses wrote:
I have plenty of red flags and it's great to be aware of them, I guess, but my issue is managing to not overlook them and having the courage to leave if they show themselves after I've formed an emotional attachment to someone. My last relationship that ended recently left me wanting to work on that (among other things) before even thinking about dating again.


I like the way you worded that. I have the same mindset. Relationships aren't only about trusting the other person. More importantly, they're about trusting ourselves to identify problems, communicate them, and leave at any cost if it doesn't feel right. That's the hardest lesson of all.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 31,201
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

31 Dec 2021, 12:49 am

nick007 wrote:
I thought of another red flag. She acts like a mom with me. While I do need people to be straightforward when they want something from me like directly telling me what to do, how to do, & when it needs to be done; I do not need nor want to be micromanaged..



I see this red flag in my current partner. To the point she follows up my eating habits.


_________________
Come here to get the Block functionality for Wrongplanet:
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=390645


nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 25,199
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

01 Jan 2022, 6:28 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I thought of another red flag. She acts like a mom with me. While I do need people to be straightforward when they want something from me like directly telling me what to do, how to do, & when it needs to be done; I do not need nor want to be micromanaged..



I see this red flag in my current partner. To the point she follows up my eating habits.
I've done that in my two previous relationships but with things other than eating thanx to BAD anxiety & OCD. I realized it was a problem related to anxiety & OCD & I researched meds & got a couple prescribed & am much more laid back these days. I still have some characteristics & traits but they are not really a problem within my current relationship. It's sorta like we take turns but only depending on the situation like only when the other needs direction or is asking for it. Being with someone who regularly micromanages me seems like it would cause lots of clashing & fights.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Feb 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 511
Location: Planet Emorf

05 Jan 2022, 11:10 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I thought of another red flag. She acts like a mom with me. While I do need people to be straightforward when they want something from me like directly telling me what to do, how to do, & when it needs to be done; I do not need nor want to be micromanaged..



I see this red flag in my current partner. To the point she follows up my eating habits.


@The_Face_of_Boo

You see a red flag but you stay together anyway?



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 82,024
Location: Queens, NYC

05 Jan 2022, 11:13 am

Man...my wife tries that, too..."managing my eating habits".....it's annoying!



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 31,201
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

05 Jan 2022, 1:04 pm

TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I thought of another red flag. She acts like a mom with me. While I do need people to be straightforward when they want something from me like directly telling me what to do, how to do, & when it needs to be done; I do not need nor want to be micromanaged..



I see this red flag in my current partner. To the point she follows up my eating habits.


@The_Face_of_Boo

You see a red flag but you stay together anyway?



Maybe it’s not really a red flag, but an annoyance.


_________________
Come here to get the Block functionality for Wrongplanet:
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=390645


TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Feb 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 511
Location: Planet Emorf

11 Jan 2022, 12:41 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
TB_TB_TB_TB_TB_TB wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I thought of another red flag. She acts like a mom with me. While I do need people to be straightforward when they want something from me like directly telling me what to do, how to do, & when it needs to be done; I do not need nor want to be micromanaged..



I see this red flag in my current partner. To the point she follows up my eating habits.


@The_Face_of_Boo

You see a red flag but you stay together anyway?



Maybe it’s not really a red flag, but an annoyance.


@The_Face_of_Boo

True you can't leave someone just for an annoyance



that1weirdgrrrl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jul 2017
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,008
Location: Between my dreams and your fantasies

11 Jan 2022, 6:50 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I see this red flag in my current partner. To the point she follows up my eating habits


That's at least a turn off :lol:


_________________
...what do the public, the great unobservant public, who could hardly tell a weaver by his tooth or a compositor by his left thumb, care about the finer shades of analysis and deduction!


dorkseid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jun 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,354
Location: Tarkon Galtos

04 Feb 2022, 1:50 pm

In my experience, the fact that a woman is acting interested in me in the first place is often a red flag.