Why I Don't Want To Live if I Can Never Have a Girlfriend

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And there are plenty of women, too, who are “autistic as all heck.” They fully present as autistic.

I was responding to Mona's comment that autistic people can't blend in. I believe just reading posts from Aspies on this forum suggest many actually do.

Yes, but with severe consequences for these women's mental health.

Many late-diagnosed women discover their autism only after many years of treatment for bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, etc.

Luckily for me, I'm not in this category -- I've never experienced severe mental illness -- probably because I've always accepted myself as a weirdo and never tried too hard to blend in.


Many of them knew all along that they were weird; they just didn't have a label for one of the main things making them weird.

Agree with both your points. But at the end of the day it boils down to this. If as young aspie male wants an NT girlfriend he must make an attempt to blend in. This is obvious.

No. He doesn't have to blend in if he can manage to stand out in a positive way that at least some women like and appreciate.

Of course he is thereby limiting himself to a minority of NT women, but, if and when he does manage to find a woman (NT or otherwise) who likes and appreciates him, he has a much better chance at a mutually satisfying relationship than he would have if he focused on blending in with the majority.

Speaking as a woman: While I agree that people (of whatever gender) may have overly fussy standards, I think you've singled out the wrong category of standards to advise people (especially heterosexual men!! !) to "drop."

Intellectually-oriented women who specifically want intellectually-oriented men probably outnumber intellectually-oriented men who specifically want intellectually-oriented women. Both these categories are a small minority among people in general. But, when they do find each other, they can be an exceedingly excellent match (other factors being equal).

And, within that small pool of people, women outnumber men as far as I can tell, so the heterosexual men within it have an advantage due to scarcity value, other factors being equal -- unless the desired focus of intellectual companionship is specifically limited to STEM topics (in which case the women are the ones with the scarcity value).

For some of us, intellectual companionship -- and, even more importantly, a shared desire for intellectual companionship -- really is a sine qua non of a good relationship.

Note that, by "intellectually-oriented," I don't necessarily mean "super-smart." What I do mean is being the kind of person who enjoys thinking and learning, and who also enjoys sharing that joy. Note also that a desire for intellectual companionship is not the same thing as a desire for someone with "smarts" for the sake of social status (although there can be overlap between these two very different things).

I've generally sought partners (of whichever gender) who not only shared at least some of my intellectual interests, but who also, and even more importantly, shared my very strong desire for intellectual companionship.

And intellectual companionship is a strong part of my current and longest-lasting relationship.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 27 Dec 2021, 7:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

When I was in my twenties and thirties, most of my friends too were on the “fringes” of the “alternative” worlds. Some of these friends, like yours, were people with feet in both the “straight” and “alternative” worlds.

But other friends of mine -- and I myself -- were people who thought of ourselves as being on the ultra-freaky fringes, even further from the “straight” world than most other members of the oddball subcultures we participated in. We were members of multiple oddball subcultures and, in some cases, built our own.

This is my experience and opinion. I don't want to blend in so I can attract a mainstream woman. It's too stressful and transparently fake, and I don't even want a mainstream woman. Any woman who would be happy with me, even if she's NT, is sure to be peculiar in her own way.

The bottom line is that people should seek to find their own niche, while seeking to learn what offends “mainstream” people severely. I don’t feel “total” assimilation is necessary except with people who haven’t grown up from adolescence.

Most “mainstream” people, as adults, have passed the adolescent phase of judging people based upon narrow premises, and have learned to value, or at least shrug their shoulders at, a wide variety of styles, as long as these styles don’t offend them severely, or cause them to “lose face” in a severe way.

I was a pariah in high school, but learned strategies that enabled me to do better in adulthood. I still was considered odd, but I was also seen as being either useful, or an amiable clown who provides some useful laughs.

There’s too much of this notion that high school values continue in their fullest form into adulthood. Even people in college have outgrown the high school crap.

I think this may vary depending on where one lives. What you've said above is certainly true here in NYC, at least. But, apparently, at least some other places really are like an eternal high school?

(Emphasis on dropping the wrong category is mine.)

I agree with Mona that a "macho man" is not what all women are looking for--especially not as they get older/more emotionally mature. Who wants a hunky, beer-can-crushing dude when you'd rather plop down with an episode of "Nova" or some such and talk about the wonders of the world? (That's never been me.) After 26 years of marriage, I still get giggly with my guy when I realize how he and I still enjoy learning new things. Granted, his brain will retain the information much better than mine, and I will sometimes judge myself an idiot in comparison to the rest of his uber-smart family, but that's my problem, not theirs. I would have been even dumber for passing him (and them) up, and I don't need hindsight to tell me that.

Grand Inquisitor, if you're still reading, I would like to caution you against two more more things:

1. Desperation doesn't attract anyone--it drives them away.

2. As much hope and weight as you put into a relationship, and as potentially-suicidal as you are without one now, I'm really concerned about how you will cope with the end of even a bad relationship--much less what you deem a good one. I think as much as you want a girlfriend, you need an emotional first-aid kit.

I wish you contentment, love, and peace, and especially hope that you can find it within yourself soon. After all--you are with you wherever you go!

Just to clarify about my weight loss, unfortunately I've ended up gaining half of it back within the last year. As for my job situation, I went to part time and went back to uni to start studying IT. That didn't go well and now I have an important decision to make.



I'd be super interested in finding out how you mitigated against your own serious social development problems.




I feel the same way.






I understand this. It's not like I'm choosing to be desperate. I have important needs that have gone unmet for so long. Of course there's going to be some urgency to get them met. I don't know how I'm supposed to not be desperate for the one thing I've wanted more than anything else for the last 13 years but never been able to have, especially when I can't escape reminders of it.





I think your concerns are well-founded. I don't think I'll be able to handle those things well. But again, given my situation, what can we expect? I think not being able to take a break-up well is more a product of my situation than of who I am innately as a person.

I just wish I'd been able to start dating much closer to when I first started wanting to. Having had to endure this strong desire without ever getting to satisfy it has taken a severe toll on my mental health, well-being and development.

I agree that I need an emotional first-aid kit. I feel like I'm in serious need of validation.

I never really intended to specifically mitigate against autism but I ended up drifting into property in 2011. Bought the first house in September 2011, paid off the mortgage in 2015, second June 2018 in cash and the most recent two in March 2020 and August 2020 but both mortgaged. I started a temp part time job in 2013 but ended up staying and have been full time in that company for many years now often doing 55 hour weeks which I obviously want to cut back on.

I got a car licence at a very young age for the UK at 17 years old. It's a bit of a family tradition/mandatory requirement of being in the family that everyone needs start learning to drive as soon as legally able and pass ASAP.

I'm pretty skinny too and have never been one to gain weight easily. I actually need to figure out how to gain some muscle.

As for the interest from women? It's helped. While most of the women who are interested in me turn out to not be the wisest of picks (yet alone tolerable to live with) I've still managed to get dates with a couple of degree+ educated women. I feel that most of the women, especially the degree+ ones would have never been interested in me otherwise.

These dates have never really lead to anything long term but some have ended in a few invitations to the bedroom for more adult fun.

We should help GI to put him on track.

GI, are you willing to follow a reasonable guide of baby steps that we come up with?

Hey thanks Boo. I appreciate it.

As for following a guide, I'm open to trying things that are reasonable, that make sense for me and my situation, and that I feel will move me in the direction I want to go.

Just to reinforce Mona's viewpoint. If we want a Happy relationship it's better to be alone than be with someone incompatible. Look at what happened to Retrogamer guys!

I always had my parents as a warning. I knew I didn't want that kind of relationship.

I always think it's interesting that women who can't get a date or who have been abused give up and learn to live without men and make a niche of their own and men are very driven to want a woman. I think women get more emotional support from friends, so we get our needs filled elsewhere.

Mona, men have it a bit differently to us.