Why I Don't Want To Live if I Can Never Have a Girlfriend

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I've made no secret of the fact that getting a girlfriend has been very important to me for a very long time. I'm confident that positive romantic experiences with a compatible girlfriend would shower me with unparallelled, immense pleasure, and I know this because even some the few romantic interactions I've had with women online over the years have given me some of the best feelings I've ever experienced.

But at this point, my interest in cultivating a romantic relationship stems from more than just a desire to experience pleasure. With my interest in getting a girlfriend, and my perpetual inability to do so, comes immense pain and despair.

If there are days where I don't think about wanting a girlfriend or my romantic situation, they're extremely rare. There are many different triggers that remind me of my situation in a way that is upsetting, and it's impossible to avoid them all.

Generally these triggers are things like seeing a couple holding hands, or seeing a woman in public I feel a strong physical attraction towards. I become upset because I'm reminded of what I can't have, despite desperately wanting it.

Being reminded that the norm is for people to be able to date, and I'm the freak that can't is another way in which I quickly become upset. Being reminded that I'm at an age where it's abnormal to be a virgin who's never had a girlfriend upsets me and makes me feel worthless. I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

I can't avoid reminders of things that really upset me, but even if I could, my mind often wanders to my love life without any prompting, because it's a subject that is extremely important to me, and an area in which I'm extremely unfulfilled.

Given that I've really wanted a girlfriend since I was a 12 year-old child, and 13 years have passed since then without me ever once getting a girlfriend, I've had to ask myself the question: what if it never happens?

If I never get a girlfriend, I'll continue to feel as depressed, lonely and worthless as I feel now, if not worse, for the entirety of my life, until it's too late for me to have experiences that are extremely important to me with a young woman I'm attracted to. The triggers I have will continue to plague me for the entirety of my life, and I'm imagining it's only going to get harder as I get older,.as it has been up until now. I'll probably end up completely alone in the world and have nobody. I'll be deprived of the opportunity to consider starting a family. I may end up becoming so overwhelmed with negative emotions at the sight of a couple that I end up lashing out at people who don't deserve it because I'm just that upset that they're flaunting the one thing I've wanted more than anything else for so long.

If I can never have a girlfriend, there is nothing in this world that could enable me to make peace with that. It doesn't matter how successful I am in any other aspect of life. If I can never have a girlfriend, I'll always be depressed, and I'll never be satisfied with my life. I understand that some people can make peace with never being able to be in a relationship, but I am very confident that I am not one of them.

So if I'm never going to be satisfied with my life, and I'm always going to be depressed and romantically unfulfilled, that's not an existence I value. I'd rather cease to exist than be burdened with the emotions that would accompany never being able to get a relationship. And if this is how things are to play out, not only do I think I'd be better off dead, but I think the world would be better off with me dead too. I'm not going to be able to exert a positive influence on the world if I'm perpetually burdened with such severe emotional turmoil.

The thing is: you're only 25 years old.

You have a LONG way to go.

I wish I had a single sister I could introduce you to!

That's true, and I acknowledge that it's possible that things will improve, but I'm sure you can understand why I feel like they won't, given the circumstances.

How are you doing?

Btw I was still virgin at age 25.

I'm not saying don't try to get a girlfriend or have a family, but why pin your sense of value on that? And have you thought about what you're really looking for? You talk a lot about what's normal for your age and what others are doing. Is it a girlfriend you really want, or social validation? You say couples are "flaunting" what they have, but of course this isn't the case. They just have something you desire. If you see it as flaunting, then this is a key into what's really bothering you. This attitude will only drive people away, and stop you from being a good partner to them. Which you can be.

Boyfriends and girlfriends, even if compatible, are not going to give you unparalleled and immense pleasure. Not all the time or most of the time. Have you thought about how they can break whatever routines you need and enjoy? How difficult it can be living with someone? Living with a partner can be extremely hard. You will have to accept their lifestyle, their noise, their decorations, etc. Even if you get along, sometimes it can feel like sleep is the only escape, especially with a demanding job. And sharing a bed, or different sleep needs/cycles, can be hard. That is no way to live.

Have you thought about all the demands children require, and how that will also impact your relationship?

I don't say these things to dissuade you, but to help you chase something real and not a fantasy. I used to feel a relationship would make me complete, but they can be draining and one-sided. Even the best person, if they cannot understand ASD well, may feel demanding. If you desire a family, it might help to focus on casual relationships and build experience, than to look at a girlfriend as a source of happiness. Potential partners will also disappear if they sense you will derive your happiness from them, because that is a burden no one can sustain.

I'd also say there's no shame in virginity. There are plenty of non-virgins who are boring in bed, who will lie about STDs, etc. Better to focus on learning about what you want--concretely--and how a relationship will work for you. Build the skills you need, but don't get hung up on sex or being single. Even though I think you're misplacing your worth, your post was thoughtful and well-written. That puts you ahead of many people in actual relationships.

I keep telling y'all that focusing on "getting a girlfriend" at the expense of self-improvement is counter-productive -- not in so many words (until now).

Get an education, get a job, and get yourself fit before you even think about getting a girlfriend.

I mean I'm getting by I suppose. The overarching sense of romantic loneliness never really goes away.


What it boils down to is an intense desire for a kind of connection I've wanted a lot for a very long time but never been able to have.

I've put some thought into what I'm looking for, but I'm sure that not being able to get practical experience actually dating means that I haven't had an adequate opportunity to discover first hand what I want and what I don't want.

I talk a lot about what's normal for my age because it rubs salt on the wound. Not only have I never had a girlfriend and met those romantic milestones, but not having done so by my age makes me an outlier in a way that I really don't want to be an outlier. Missing out on something so important and so universal as being able to date and have relationships makes me feel unwanted, unworthy, very unfulfilled and further alienated from my peers. Social validation doesn't have much to do with it. It's more about romantic validation.

When I say flaunting, what I'm getting at is I can't escape reminders of the fact that other people are dating, which reminds me that it's normal for other people to date, but I'm not able to date and have never been able to despite very much wanting to, which on top of ensuring I feel romantically unfulfilled, makes me feel like there's something uniquely inferior about me.



When I talk about unparalleled pleasure, I'm talking specifically about romantic intimacy rather than the entirety of the relationship itself.

In terms of having a family, I haven't decided whether that's something I want or not. The point I was making when I mentioned that is whether I want one or not, I'm not going to be afforded a choice in the matter if I never get to have a girlfriend. Moreover, the longer it takes me to start getting relationship experience, the further having a family will be pushed back if I do decide that's what I want. It's not like I'm going to be ready to start a family right away after I get my first girlfriend.

There's no inherent shame in virginity, but I think there is shame in virginity if you're a virgin because nobody wants you.


I get where you're coming from,.and I think if I'd had the romantic experiences I wanted when I was younger, I probably wouldn't be making dating a focus right now.

What you're saying makes sense for someone who's looking to find "the one" and settle down, but it's not realistic to expect someone who's never been able to date despite strongly desiring to do so for a very long time to not think about dating. There's no off switch in my brain for this topic, and every fibre of my being is screaming for romantic validation and experiences. The resulting loneliness, feelings of inadequacy and despair make it more difficult to get ahead in other areas of life.

Dude! I know you don't want to hear this. But there is more to life than a girlfriend. Honestly.

Please find a hobby, passion or something you can invest your time and energy into.

I don't think I've mentioned it before but I joined in a men's co-fraternity group for a little while in my 20s and although its made up of older men who have been through divorce they were really supportive to me and best of all I learned a lot of skills and activities like rock fishing, 4 wheel driving, carpentry and metal work. These guys taught me that if you want to forget about women (they all had in common horror stories about ex-wives) then get involved in hobbies or improve your work skills, They were more than happy to share their time, homes, food and most of all camaraderie over a beer or two.

Seemed counterintuitive but one of the positive things that came out of this interaction was developing a positive mindset which helped me to be (ironically) to be more attractive to women.In simple terms it allowed me to take a break and put some distance between getting obsessed about girls and learning to be a man.

There is more to life than a girlfriend, but due to the ever-expanding length of time and intensity with which I've wanted one, and the escalating sense of hopelessness about the present and future of my love life, dating and romance dominate my thoughts. I'm tired of having to settle for a crappy romanceless life. I'm tired of people expecting me to just put up with being romantically inexperienced indefinitely as if I'm less deserving of that kind of fulfilment than everybody else. I don't want to be a late bloomer. I don't want to be just hitting all the dating milestones in my 30s and 40s after missing out in my teens and 20s. I'm still in disbelief that I've reached 25 as romantically inexperienced as I am.


I don't want to forget about women and dating. I just want it to go my way for once. Why is that too much to ask for?

It'll be easier to find a GF with all the foundations ticked off the list as hard as it may be to focus on that tick list.

You won't get very far if you haven't, it's as simple as that.

Why am I constantly being held to higher standards than everyone else?

I can't think of anyone else I know who had to "tick off all the foundations" before they were able to get their first girlfriend. My brother ended up dating his share of women and even got engaged and had a son before that relationship ended, and he's less established in life than I am. He got expelled from high school, never had a gainful career and isn't particularly fit. He lives with my mum now while I live in my own unit. He never had savings and I do.

I lost 90lbs and got down to a healthy BMI and that ultimately didn't improve anything. I had a full-time (albeit dead-end) job and that didn't matter. I've moved out on my own and that doesn't change anything either. It feels like it doesn't matter what I do, it'll never be enough. There'll always be something else I'm lacking, or some other area to be scrutinised where l'm not perfect. Always some way to justify why I'm not able to attract someone, and how it's my fault because I haven't done x or y.

You certainly are being held to higher standards than everyone else but that's sadly the case with all aspies.

You need to double down on the job, looks and ideally education but this isn't essential so long as you're not stacking shelves and barely getting by and education is holding you back.

You, I and most people here probably have autism. It puts us at a significant disadvantage compared to others so you need to offset it by trying harder than the typical person in other areas of your life that you have more control over.

Let's face it. It's better to be a financially well off aspie than a broke aspie when getting women. Is it a certainty you'll get a woman if you're doing well in life? No. But you'll give yourself.much better odds.

You've done well by losing that much weight too but you need to be persistent and commited in everything and carry through with it indefinitely.

This isn't what you want to hear but you need to face the realities of the situation you're in. We all do on WP.

wish i met my current girlfriend while i was still in my 20s, because your 20s is kinda seen as the last decade of your youth

I thought you didn't have a girlfriend.

You are not. I can't pretend to know what social challenges you have but I've seen your picture you posted a couple of years ago and I can tell you are dating material. Why?
- You have a reasonable appearance
- you are a normal weight now
- you hold down a job
- you are only 25

Dude when I was 25 I thought I was over the hill. You aren't. It's just a mindset.

You have a number of strengths in your favour. Use them as a foundation.

I don't know what you are doing in your social life but Queensland is full of young women. Do you play sports? I'm sure there's a lot of girls who are into dudes who volunteer in surf lifesaving.

What about animals? volunteer with animal rescue or something. Use your imagination, be creative,

So do a lot of 25 year olds.

He, along with everyone else with autism needs to go above and beyond to mitigate against serious social development problems.