Why I Don't Want To Live if I Can Never Have a Girlfriend
26 Dec 2021, 6:50 pm
Nades wrote:
So do a lot of 25 year olds.
He, along with everyone else with autism needs to go above and beyond to mitigate against serious social development problems.
I think there's a mindset clogging progress here based on "I need to go above and beyond what an NT needs to do" and he';s basing it on his brother as a reference point.
Honestly it's not unique to autistic people. My sister is a millionaire, so are members of my extended family. My parents love to tell me stories of her success. She and my rich cousins are shallow individuals and are honestly not that smart. So why are they rich? I don't care. I choose to not compare myself to her or others who live in rarefied atmosphere of highly successful individuals.
The OP needs to do the same with his life, stop holding himself to higher expectations. Open himself up, take some risks and accept failure. In my own life failure has been a great way to learn. The thing is to accept and learn from it. I think a lot young autistic men are held back from the fear of failure (perhaps over anxiety?).
26 Dec 2021, 7:02 pm
cyberdad wrote:
Nades wrote:
So do a lot of 25 year olds.
He, along with everyone else with autism needs to go above and beyond to mitigate against serious social development problems.
I think there's a mindset clogging progress here based on "I need to go above and beyond what an NT needs to do" and he';s basing it on his brother as a reference point.
Honestly it's not unique to autistic people. My sister is a millionaire, so are members of my extended family. My parents love to tell me stories of her success. She and my rich cousins are shallow individuals and are honestly not that smart. So why are they rich? I don't care. I choose to not compare myself to her or others who live in rarefied atmosphere of highly successful individuals.
So? It doesn't mean that autistic people shouldn't mitigate against their baggage. Whether self inflicted or not, baggage is baggage and needs to be offset by something else.
OP seems to have failed like f**k in his dating life so far. He needs to try something else but also needs to accept the problems that he has which he will never be able to rise above.
The reality is, he is held to a different standard than NT's and he needs to maneuver around those standards by doubling down on something else.
Average jobs, looks, income and education doesn't cut it when loads of NT's his age have the same. He should try and achieve more than average and let his dick swing when he does. Achievements = confidence and confidence always helps.
Even if you have achieved a lot and still have little confidence just remember that you earned the right to confidence even though you feel you haven't.
26 Dec 2021, 7:07 pm
Nades wrote:
OP seems to have failed like f**k in his dating life so far. He needs to try something else but also needs to accept the problems that he has which he will never be able to rise above.
Achievements = confidence and confidence always helps.
Even if you have achieved a lot and still have little confidence just remember that you earned the right to confidence even though you feel you haven't.
Achievements = confidence and confidence always helps.
Even if you have achieved a lot and still have little confidence just remember that you earned the right to confidence even though you feel you haven't.
It seems the OP is not incorporating lessons from his failures into developing new strategies. Learning from failures also requires the motivation to use the information to change strategy or try something new.
The OP has lost motivation to move on - not because of lack of confidence, because of mental overload of negative thoughts.
26 Dec 2021, 7:17 pm
cyberdad wrote:
Nades wrote:
OP seems to have failed like f**k in his dating life so far. He needs to try something else but also needs to accept the problems that he has which he will never be able to rise above.
Achievements = confidence and confidence always helps.
Even if you have achieved a lot and still have little confidence just remember that you earned the right to confidence even though you feel you haven't.
Achievements = confidence and confidence always helps.
Even if you have achieved a lot and still have little confidence just remember that you earned the right to confidence even though you feel you haven't.
It seems the OP is not incorporating lessons from his failures into developing new strategies. Learning from failures also requires the motivation to use the information to change strategy or try something new.
The OP has lost motivation to move on - not because of lack of confidence, because of mental overload of negative thoughts.
I think he lacks confidence and motivation. He needs to try something completely new.
He said he's had a full time job, satisfactory appearance and moved out of his parents but just how much did these raise him above NT's? Perhaps he needs to concentrate even more of some of them.
26 Dec 2021, 7:26 pm
Nades wrote:
He said he's had a full time job, satisfactory appearance and moved out of his parents but just how much did these raise him above NT's? Perhaps he needs to concentrate even more of some of them.
This is not the way to approach the situation. Here's the thing, there are literally hundreds of autistic men on this forum and perhaps millions around the world who successfully date young NT women.
So how do they succeed. It might be tempting to think they are wired in such a way that they are able to pick up social cues better (I mean that may be possible sometimes).
But the key here is he doesn't have to "raise himself above NTs" because NTs don't know they are NTs. There you have it. The secret ingredient. Only autistic people think of NTs as some type of different species. NTs themselves look at you and so long as you "look the part" and "play the game" you are one of them.
26 Dec 2021, 7:32 pm
cyberdad wrote:
Nades wrote:
He said he's had a full time job, satisfactory appearance and moved out of his parents but just how much did these raise him above NT's? Perhaps he needs to concentrate even more of some of them.
This is not the way to approach the situation. Here's the thing, there are literally hundreds of autistic men on this forum and perhaps millions around the world who successfully date young NT women.
So how do they succeed. It might be tempting to think they are wired in such a way that they are able to pick up social cues better (I mean that may be possible sometimes).
But the key here is he doesn't have to "raise himself above NTs" because NTs don't know they are NTs. There you have it. The secret ingredient. Only autistic people think of NTs as some type of different species. NTs themselves look at you and so long as you "look the part" and "play the game" you are one of them.
But NT's typically do have significantly better social skills, the aspies who date NT's might be really setting their standards low and yeah, offsetting serious social disabilities by concentrating on things an aspie can control that might appeal to women is the way to think about it.
Obviously it's not the be all and end all but it's a damn good start.
26 Dec 2021, 7:40 pm
Nades wrote:
But NT's typically do have significantly better social skills, the aspies who date NT's might be really setting their standards low and yeah, offsetting serious social disabilities by concentrating on things an aspie can control that might appeal to women is the way to think about it.
Obviously it's not the be all and end all but it's a damn good start.
Obviously it's not the be all and end all but it's a damn good start.
That's certainly one way to look at it. A lot of you unnattached apsie guys are damn smart, intelligent and more worldly than you think or give yourselves credit for. Where many fall over (not all but plenty on this forum) is setting up high expectations for potential dates being x, y and z.
The truth is you can have a fantastic relationship with an NT female who isn't a quirky nerd or doesn't play dungeons and dragons or isn't like Daria (the official fictional g/f all Aspie men want to date).
Yes you can drop your standards, nobody needs to know you are smart-arse, That may be yet another thing holding guys back.
26 Dec 2021, 8:27 pm
cyberdad wrote:
Nades wrote:
But NT's typically do have significantly better social skills, the aspies who date NT's might be really setting their standards low and yeah, offsetting serious social disabilities by concentrating on things an aspie can control that might appeal to women is the way to think about it.
Obviously it's not the be all and end all but it's a damn good start.
Obviously it's not the be all and end all but it's a damn good start.
That's certainly one way to look at it. A lot of you unnattached apsie guys are damn smart, intelligent and more worldly than you think or give yourselves credit for. Where many fall over (not all but plenty on this forum) is setting up high expectations for potential dates being x, y and z.
The truth is you can have a fantastic relationship with an NT female who isn't a quirky nerd or doesn't play dungeons and dragons or isn't like Daria (the official fictional g/f all Aspie men want to date).
Yes you can drop your standards, nobody needs to know you are smart-arse, That may be yet another thing holding guys back.
The way I see it, it's pointless trying to obsess over being the perfect gentleman who women will drool over. Aspies are just not equipped with the social skills needed for that.
What we can focus on is anything else that might be within our control that are known to have a positive impact not only with dating but on overall wellbeing.
If someone has a good job and very well established in life they won't look like a complete fool if they act like an over confident and cocky moron. At least an aspie might actually be putting their money where their socially oblivious and obnoxious mouth is. (Social skills might follow).
It's better to make a dogs bollocks of a social interaction, be thought of as a fool and walk into a new BMW immediately afterwards than be thought of as a fool and jump on the X34 bus to Swindon. At least you stand more of a chance of recovering from the first scenario.
26 Dec 2021, 8:45 pm
Nades wrote:
What we can focus on is anything else that might be within our control that are known to have a positive impact not only with dating but on overall wellbeing..
Yes that's logical. I wouldn't be surprised if either Bill Gates or Elon Musk would have been able to pull a date if they didn't have money.
But one drawback with relying on your BMW or high paying IT job is that it may become a crutch to fall back on. I know its terrifying to face NT women when you know you will fail more times than not. It's akin to public speaking (perhaps more terrifying).
NT women can be cruel and there is good chance you will feel humiliation at times. Believe me, I went through that phase where I blamed women for being inclined to want to make you feel small and insignificant. But it's like fishing or mining, for all the blowfish you throw back in the sea you will catch a good one (or find a diamond in the rough) eventually. When you do find a good one then you have to work hard to make a good impression.
26 Dec 2021, 9:10 pm
cyberdad wrote:
Nades wrote:
What we can focus on is anything else that might be within our control that are known to have a positive impact not only with dating but on overall wellbeing..
Yes that's logical. I wouldn't be surprised if either Bill Gates or Elon Musk would have been able to pull a date if they didn't have money.
But one drawback with relying on your BMW or high paying IT job is that it may become a crutch to fall back on. I know its terrifying to face NT women when you know you will fail more times than not. It's akin to public speaking (perhaps more terrifying).
It will often become a crutch to fall back on and that's what aspies need to be especially careful of. The problem with men who have little confidence is that they attach far to much of their self worth onto items, achievements or looks that are above the norm. All to often this can become an obsession when it should only be a supplement and added bonus to a well rounded individual. It's not to say it's separate to an individuals personality however. If someone has struggled and overcome enough problems to have gained significant achievements then the experience of going through that alone can make someone well rounded and stronger in it's own right.
An aspie who has many fears and then set up a successful business probably wouldn't have as many fears afterwards.
If an aspie does well and ends up as a millionaire/a doctor/an absolute muscular unit it's important not to let it go to their heads though.
26 Dec 2021, 9:26 pm
You're held to a higher standard if, like me, you can't competently initiate a conversation, much less a relationship. I've had plenty of relationships, but I've never initiated things myself. Fortunately, some women will do that for you. But, in order for them to take that step, you have to be in some way attractive or at least noticeable, through looks, obvious intelligence, accomplishments, wealth, etc.
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26 Dec 2021, 11:10 pm
Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
You're held to a higher standard if, like me, you can't competently initiate a conversation, much less a relationship. I've had plenty of relationships, but I've never initiated things myself. Fortunately, some women will do that for you. But, in order for them to take that step, you have to be in some way attractive or at least noticeable, through looks, obvious intelligence, accomplishments, wealth, etc.
I understand the difficulty in approaching women but initiating contact improves your chances and increases your options.
26 Dec 2021, 11:13 pm
Nades wrote:
The problem with men who have little confidence is that they attach far to much of their self worth onto items, achievements or looks that are above the norm. All to often this can become an obsession when it should only be a supplement and added bonus to a well rounded individual. It's not to say it's separate to an individuals personality however. If someone has struggled and overcome enough problems to have gained significant achievements then the experience of going through that alone can make someone well rounded and stronger in it's own right. .
Women find it a very attractive quality to have the assets you mention + a pleasant disposition. You can make up for nerves to some extent by being as pleasant as possible even if it might be a little superficial. The idea is to make the girl comfortable to talk to you in the first place.
27 Dec 2021, 6:09 am
cyberdad wrote:
But the key here is he doesn't have to "raise himself above NTs" because NTs don't know they are NTs.
Just like a lot of white people don't think of themselves as white.
NT's don't think of themselves as NT's, but they do think of obviously-ND people as very weird, to say the least.
cyberdad wrote:
There you have it. The secret ingredient. Only autistic people think of NTs as some type of different species. NTs themselves look at you and so long as you "look the part" and "play the game" you are one of them.
But here's the problem: Autistic people can't "look the part" and "play the game" except at great cost to our own mental health. That's why we think of NT's as "some type of different species." And that's why we need to compensate by finding (if at all possible) some positive way to stand out.
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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 27 Dec 2021, 6:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
27 Dec 2021, 6:14 am
It took me a very long time to at least “resemble the part.”
I didn’t “resemble the part” when I was younger. And I didn’t get along with folks in “alternative lifestyles” too well, either.
What I did, basically, was stay on the fringes of “alternative lifestyles,” and found success with those who were also on the “fringes”—with their feet in both the “straight” and “alternative” worlds, but not really a member of either.
I sensed something about a woman….and I was right sometimes.
27 Dec 2021, 6:19 am
Mona Pereth wrote:
Autistic people can't "look the part" and "play the game" except at great cost to our own mental health. That's why we think of NT's as "some type of different species." And that's why we need to compensate by finding (if at all possible) some positive way to stand out.
Are you sure? one of the theories about the ratio of autism/ADHD in males Vs females is that women with autism/ADHD are able to better blend into the NT population and go undetected.
There are also plenty of men who are diagnosed very late in life suggesting they go through life thinking they are NTs.
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