Possibly Autistic(??) & Desperate for Practical Advice

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Ummm...Hi.

*awkward silence*
*shifts feet uncomfortably*
*deep breath*

It may sound silly, but I'm not sure I even have the "right" to be here, although I know that questioning and/or undiagnosed people are welcome. I'm a 38-year-old female who stumbled across a "Signs you might be autistic" YouTube video about a month ago and of course immediately dove face-first down the inevitable research rabbit-hole... From videos to blog posts to Tania Marshall & Samantha Craft's lists of "female traits" to taking and retaking various formulations of the AQ (scoring between 32 & 35), the Aspie Test, the RAADS-R (121), the RBQ-2A (35)... (although with the whole "Reading the Mind in the Eyes" thing, I read a whopping 31 of 36 expressions correctly)...to being laughed off by my spiritual counselor when I brought up the mere possibility... to talking with a representative of AANE for 30 minutes...to reading a bunch of books off Amazon...

And now I'm here in the hopes of talking to real people instead of running around in crazy little obsessive circles, repeatedly asking myself, "Am I?" "Am I not?"

And while I'm not naive enough to expect help with diagnosis from anyone except a professional (if I can ever manage to find and afford one someday)... I would absolutely appreciate gaining some insight and real-world perspective from anyone else on this journey who may care to comment on this rambling, self-conscious introduction. Just a sense that maybe, just maybe, I'm not crazy, that I'm not just imagining this or making it up all in my head, and that it really does fit me somehow...

Bottom line...
1) I identify with about 70-80% of Tania Marshall's and Samantha Craft's lists.
2) BUT I read subtle body language, facial expressions, and emotional energy very well (I identify as an empath)
3) I make eye contact and have held a variety of presentation- and/or service-based jobs (college English teacher, assistant manager of a hostel, animal caregiver, tour experience coordinator)
4) I do well in those jobs BUT they are exhausting and I get social hangovers and have to hide from people for hours or days after being over-exposed to social settings with lots of fast-paced demands
5) Meltdowns and shutdowns...not sure. (Does screaming and crying at the car windshield on the way home from work count as a meltdown? Does getting quietly and unobtrusively overwhelmed in social settings to where suddenly words don't make sense, like a switch flipping, count as a shutdown?)
6) Ridiculous lengths gone to in order to people-please and fit in, almost an unthinking reflex.

I'll cut this list short before it gets too long. For the few heroes who have bothered to read this far... I would love to know your thoughts and feedback. (That said, please be kind... This post, in and of itself, feels like a huge risk for me.)

Welcome to WP!

A book that helped me was "Pretending To Be Normal" by Liane H.Wiley. I'm sure there other books on the subject but her book resonated with me.

Hello and welcome

It's been a while since I got diagnosed, but I was an adult when I got the dx. Since a lot of time has passed, the details of my thought process back then is a bit fuzzy...my memory is mostly crap. But for what it's worth, I remember having autism brought to my attention. I went on a research binge, took a ton of online tests, asked people who knew me what they thought about it... Reading your post about doing those things made me think, "Yeah, I've been there.".

Like you said, no one here can diagnose you. Also, people here are diverse with how autism presents in them. From outward signs to inner struggles, to strengths and weaknesses... so on. You'll find people here who are awful with things like reading body language, and others who are just fine with it. Same with eye contact. I know I'm not being helpful here, sorry about that. For what it's worth though, the way you describe your car rides and words not making sense... that sounds like it could be shutdowns and meltdowns to me.

The best suggestion I have is to take some time and read around the forum. The subforums 'general autism discussion', 'in-depth adult life discussion', maybe even 'the haven' and 'members only' could be a good start point for browsing. You might find a lot of things around that resonate with you and hopefully help you figure things out along the way. And of course, you can always start your own topics if you have questions or specific things you want to discuss. I know that can be intimidating, but the locals here aren't so bad. Easy for me though, I've been here awhile now so it's not so stressful anymore. I know I mostly hid in the games area (off the wall subforum) when I first joined.

Welcome again and I hope you get to enjoying this place and that it is beneficial to you on this discovery journey you're taking.

Welcome to WP!

The bad news: You're right, we can't diagnose you. Even worse, "Borderline Autism" is also a possible diagnosis, and Autistic traits can be caused by conditions other than Autism.

The good news: "Welcome to WP!" is not conditional on even a suspicion of being Autistic. Even neurotypical folk are welcome here (though I'd assume they'd only be here if they had some interest in Autism). That's why your WP profile offers a variety of choices.

Other: Have you checked with your health insurance provider? If you follow their rules, and use a provider in their network of providers, then at least part of the assessment cost might be covered. You might not know without asking.

Other bad news: When I and my bride concluded I was probably on the Autism Spectrum I asked my insurance provider for a referral to someone to do the assessment. They almost immediately sent me a referral for an assessment  to someone who didn't do Adult Autism Assessments. The problem was, even though they wanted to help they didn't know how to help! They didn't know the correct credentials for someone to do an Adult Autism Assessment...that delayed my assessment by a few months.

More other bad news: I don't think many Adult Autism Assessments happen. There's probably a limited demand. So it might take some persistence to find someone to perform an assessment. I didn't see it mentioned on any of the psychologists' web pages I checked, not even on the web page for the psychologist who did my assessment! (And, the person who answered her phone didn't even think she did them...fortunately she asked!)

But, welcome to WP, and  no matter what your assessment status is or becomes  I hope you stay.

Self diagnosis is valid and accepted by most autistic folk because we know how hard it is to find professionals to diagnose adults, how much it costs, how many struggles are involved to get diagnosis in most places.

I suspected my autism in my late 60s, got diagnosis at age 68, it is a lot to sort out. The older we are the more we have adapted self care and survival skills, sometimes unhealthy ones. There are so many more memories to sort and understand from this new perspective.
Self care always first, it is like culture shock.
Many people say they go through all the stages of grief when learning of their autism. There is a mix of emotions in no particular order including one at a time or many mixed emotions all together. Guilt, sadness, anger, denial, relief, bargaining, acceptance, and old memories from new perspectives going round and round inside as we sort it all out. Take your time and be at least as kind to yourself as you would be to anybody else who is going through such a life changing upheaval of an event.
You are welcome to ask any questions here and we are here to support, help , and listen. Think of the thousands of years of combined lived experience with autism we have in one place with our members.
You will be able to relate to some of us, many insights and suggestions will be offered. Glad you are with us!

This attitude seems to be a common one during the “investigatory” phase of realizing, later in life, that one might be autistic. After all, if years of living one’s adult life without learning this led to a simulacrum of normalcy, how could it really be true that you are autistic? If you have encountered fictional depictions of what autism “looks like”, or have met people that are diagnosed, it seems inevitable that comparisons between one’s self-image and those perceived examples of autism in others will lead to noticing the differences as much or more than the similarities.


A wise next step. For me, at least, hearing and reading of the life experiences of others who have lived what I thought might be my same mindset was the ONLY way I was able to come to a realization of what was happening in my life. Just seeing a clinical definition of what autism is, and watching the pop-culture depictions of autism kept me away from a proper understanding, rather than bringing me closer to it.


Your words resonate. After all, “being crazy” is so often thought of as being different from the norm, and what more concise way to describe ASD than "different from the norm"?

If you recognize that you are different, but had not yet assigned those differences to innate cognitive differences, then what better explanation than insanity?


It seems that although significant progress has been made, diagnosing autism in women is still lagging well behind, so the "signs" are probably still not as straightforward as they are in men. And, of course, any list is subject to interpretation by those reading it. A perfect match seems unlikely, though you may find that as you learn more about yourself, and autism in general, that going back to those same lists weeks or months later will inspire new connections that were not immediately apparent. I’ve only very recently taken to writing down notes about moments in my life that seemed relevant to this quest. At first, connections came so fast and intensely that I’d just move on to the next “input”, and not stop to record what I had discovered. Now that I am doing that, I think that I’m able to explore the subject better, as writing down my self-observations seems to inspire almost immediate new, related memories and insights.


What you may discover along your journey is that the way you have learned to develop what is likely genuine empathy is rather different than most people. Perhaps rather than an instinctive sense of empathy, you have made countless observations of others, in person, on the screen, and while reading, and have developed an accurate model of the many variables that make up one’s “model” of the minds of others. Perhaps a very accurate model, one that is more objectively true than a rapid, instinctive way of understanding.


My eventual revelation regarding eye contact was not about whether I was doing it or not, so much, but rather, what it cost me in mental energy to do so. I realized that when I make my probably quite objectively good efforts to do this, I have a significant portion of my mental resources occupied in that task. My attention to both what someone else is imparting (verbally and in body language) and to my own thoughts about how to progress in a conversation is hampered (to what degree, I am still investigating).

As an experiment, try noticing how you feel and act while watching people in a video (TV or Movies, YouTube), and compare that to when you are having a real conversation, in person, and maintaining a "correct" level of eye contact. You may notice something quite profound, with enough examples…


My experience with what you are describing was almost always previously attributed by me to “Oh, I’m depressed again, for no damn reason at all!”, without paying attention to what led up to those episodes. Now that I am slowly learning to pay attention more, there are SO many clear signs of the proximate causes. This has been a rather mind-blowing experience, and I’m having to work hard to avoid having this realization lead to endless chastising of myself as being terminally stupid and un-self-aware.


Those sound like rather apt examples of the consequences of ASD, and ones that, hopefully, you may be able to reduce as you learn more about exactly when and why these reactions occur, and what you can do in your life to recognize circumstances that often lead to these feelings and actions. Obviously, most of us can’t retreat into a cave and live in our own little world for long, though I know a woman my age that has done essentially that, and seems OK with it. So, learning how to cope with the triggers when it is necessary to deal with certain unavoidable life experiences is key.


As to this (masking), my long-standing perception of how I was acting was telling myself that this was my “performing monkey” act. I would be told that people like me, but my doubts often told me that “Yes, they like something that I’m doing and saying, but if they knew the real me…”

Last edited by GadgetGuru on 25 Dec 2021, 9:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

I get shutdowns both in full and partial forms, and I get the not understanding words bit (As if they are a foreign langague that one knows the world but not their meaning) when I am pulling out of a deeper shutdown.

Shutdowns... There are more than one type.

I do not know if I am on the spectrum. It took me about 47 to 48 years to find out that what I experienced since an early child were shutdowns.

As a very early child I had frequent tempers which looking back were meltdowns and I reached a point which terrified me when my Dad said I could have killed another child (A neighbours daughter) and it hit me so hard (I was around six) that I became withdrawn and also it was from that point onwards that the out of control meltdowns turned into shutdowns.
I still get a subdued form of meltdown though on occasions of maybe once every couple of years I get a full out prolonged meltdown but it takes an inward form where it is not like a temper tantrum but I have to hold myself down from doing anything as I could so easily wipe out the planet if I let go! It feels like my head is about to expolde... It feels like my brain is getting larger and larger ad is about to explode through my skull, and tis slowly builds up through the day so just when I reach the point where I think I am going to die and get ready to die with my head exploded, it suddenly stops and I feel total calm and peace and I feel so tired and peaceful that I just fall asleep...

I wouldn't let your spiritual counselor's opinion dissuade your concerns much. Not that I know much about spiritual counselors though. My guess is that you were seeing one because you feel there is something wrong with your life that you didn't think was a treatable psychological problem. ASD is not treatable, although comorbids like OCD, depression are.

In your case, I would guess a diagnosis might provide the answer to your "spiritual" quest. You have already discovered that the typical person is going to be dismissive of your self-assessment. Even with a diagnosis, know that most people will still be dismissive but people close to you who know of your issues may be convinced with some ASD awareness.

I am self diagnosed and probably will not get a diagnosis. Although I only score an AQ of 34, I tick all the boxes of ASD-1 without question. I would need a reason to get a diagnosis other than to convince people I am ASD. No one I have disclosed to has been dismissive, but have only disclosed to people close to me. It seems clear to most here there is little value to disclosure beyond people close to you. Even disclosure at work is not recommended in most cases.

Thank you all for the warm welcome, and the wealth of information and possible ways forward from here! I've already begun to read some of the book suggestions mentioned, as well as trying to consciously notice specific behavior patterns in social settings. Still not sure if I would merit full diagnosis but was a bit taken with a phrase I stumbled across in someone's signature information ("on the suspectrum") because it seems to fit pretty well.

Definitely more exploration to be done. Many thanks to everyone who replied, as I'm sure you have responded to many posts very similar to mine over the years.

Very glad to have found this forum!

That's in mine, but I "lifted" it from somewhere else (A YouTube video?)

Depending on how you best learn, watching videos may help, as well. At least for me, that's where the "spark" was fully ignited...

Here's my "Autism" playlist, which I didn't create until well after I took the deep dive, so it's far from personally-comprehensive:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3VhMLLDm5-Ly5Xl4vv6x0Bn5_zQchrXp

Welcome aboard!

The 'Social Skills & Making Friends' Forum, 'Friendships W/People Receptive To Adults On Autism Spectrum' might be one of many helpful discussion threads here on WP!

There's a limited supply, not a limited demand. Only a small number of therapists have gotten the training that would qualify them to diagnose autism in adults -- or to deal productively with autistic adults once diagnosed.

To Finn Razelle: Since you live in Utah, I would suggest that you contact the Autism Society of Utah for a referral.

Also, GRASP has a network of providers who do autism assessment online via video conference, but they have a humongously long waiting list.


Looking at that "Borderline Autism" page: Looks a bit out-of-date, it seems to me. By "Borderline Autism," the author seems to means what used to be called "Asperger's syndrome" and "PDD-NOS," which are now (as of the DSM 5) subsumed under "Autism Spectrum Disorder." That page also uses other out-of-date terminology such as "high-functioning autism."

For what it's worth, my girlfriend and I were assessed at a clinic in Salt Lake City, Utah. It took a bit under two months, I think, from first contact until the in-person assessments were done (both of us by the same Dr., on the same day). I'm not sure it's OK to post openly about the specific clinic and Doc, Finn, but would tell you through PM, if you wish. I think highly of the clinic and the doctor, though because this is my only experience in this regard, I'm not going to be perfectly objective.

The same clinic also does post-diagnosis therapy, from what I've seen on their website.

Darron