I'm finally putting the peices together

Post Reply New Topic

My whole life has been a struggle and I never knew why. I think I have ASD. I grew up never being able to communicate with people. I routinely have been misjudged by my parents and everyone else growing up. They judged and attacked my character over and over and I have always been treated unfairly and never knew why this was. I could not function in school, I didn't understand how to socialize with other children and did not know how to cope with the environment. Everything bothered me, the marathon of daily boredom, the lights, the noise, the overwhelming activity surrounding me. I shut down and zoned out, it was too much to bear. I was called lazy, selfish and stubborn because I could not get my work done. I tried desperately to communicate with people only to be judged and misunderstood. Each teacher passed me because they knew I understood the material.

Several times throughout the years the school staff would want to meet with my parents and were always so concerned how I could not make friends or do my work. They tried everything to force me to comply and accused me of being stubborn when I couldn't handle the unrealistic demands of being like everyone else. They though I wouldn't and never considered I couldn't!

I was punished for refusing to read aloud or for knowing more than the teacher about certain subjects and criticized for failing classes but having an A+ in band and being first chair and section leader in every band. I aced flying instructions but could not complete a science project or english paper.

The only girl friends I have had were 90% taking advantage of something they liked about me or 10% just such a kind a loving person and accepted me. All my other friends have been males because its so much easier to deal with socializing with them. I cannot make or maintain friend relationships with girls/women 99% of the time.

Idk if this is considered synesthesia or what but noise especially causes me to feel emotions, sensations and even see colors sometimes. Noise drives me insane and I cannot tolerate it or tune it out in any way. I also get overwhelmed by movement, its disorienting and I cannot handle it, like literally cannot function around it. I feel three dimensional objects like they're inside of my electromagnetic feild or something, almost like they're touching me.

I've never been able to handle a job aside from grooming dogs but after being passenger in a bad car accident, I am not physically able to groom anymore. Every attempt I have made to work since has failed because I can't deal with the environment and people. I got involved with opiods and benzos for a while as it was the only way I could cope with working. I've been criticized for years by my folks for not caring about my finances because in their mind, I don't want to work.

I have tried so hard my whole life. And I have not given up. I am working on my art now, I can do that alone at home.

My biggest problem these days is going out of the house for anything. I have to go with my boyfriend to cope with it, I never go alone. I need a service dog but probably need a diagnosis for that to be accepted or legal.

I can talk to people if it follows a pattern but not if they look at me too much and I have to basically be a fake person with fake responses. In social situations I find that much if the time I cannot speak, not because I am afraid or don't know what to say but because I can't seem to get the internal conversation transfered to the outside world. Sometimes I can literally blow people's minds when talking about something very interesting to me and other times I am speechless because when I see the whole picture of what I am thinking about I don't know how to process it to actually speak, it's so frustrating!

Can anybody else relate to any of this?

Aspects of what you have been through I can relate to. I find many situations difficult which is why this site is basically the only socialising I do. Here people understand the difficulties of being different and will encourage you to embrace it.

Would you like a Dog V4 hug? They're popular around here!

What is a Dog V4 hug?

Yeah this site may end up being the highlight of my social life with people too

It is common to offer a (virtual) hug on this site when someone is feeling a little upset. Dog V4 (short for Version 4, the 4th of this lunatic breed I've had) is my avatar as well as being my competition for clown of the house. He loves his hugs virtual or otherwise.

Oh ok, there are so many acronyms on the internet, you never know! Sounds good to me.

I can relate to a lot of what you have described. You are welcome here.

What can you relate to?

Diagnosed at 68 years, learning about autism and getting my diagnosis was the most useful thing! Seeing my life from the view of autism having worked behind the scenes in everything painful, distracting, upsetting, distressing, answered all the "whys" of my past. What a relief to learn everything was not "all my fault" and to learn I am not alone!
Understanding autism in myself (and in others in my family as it turned out when I got to looking) is a lot to sort out.
Give yourself time and do your best self care. It is like a huge dose of culture shock to see everything you thought you knew and everything you might have believed turned upside down and shaken!
Welcome, glad you are with us.

Yeah everything I thought I understood about myself is being questioned right now. Thanks for the welcome!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks!

Welcome to Wrong Planet

Hi! Nice to meet you!

This is most likely a repeating pattern for everyone with ASD. For me, too.



Not by my parents, but rest of the family just wouldn't "get" me and neither did classmates and so on.



While I could function in school somehow, every break was a nightmare, because I was left alone with other kids. Hated that.



I zoned out (and still zone out) a lot, because I get lost in my thoughts, especially if I am during one of my "data binges". I find myself having periods during which I consume loads of text about all kinds of subject, if I find something that truly interests me. It was always like that. I think about these things all the time and kind of lose awareness of what is happening around me.



Same here. I haven't struggled with schoolwork, but was constantly pushed to socialise, which I was rubbish at and didn't even want.



Knowing more about certain subjects than my teachers, especially in field of biology, was pretty frequent for me. I've learned to keep my mouth shut quickly enough, though - came to a conclusion that it is not worth to get into an argument in which adult have an advantage by a definition. For my peers, thought? I had a habit of debunking/correcting their false beliefs/incorrect information and my teachers have described me as not able to make any compromises.

Once, when I had argument with a whole class, in which I was right. After the calss, the teacher whispered to my ear "I know that you are right and they are wrong, but back off and play along, because if you'll make people feel stupid, no one will like you". I was like 10 at the time? Haven't listened to her, haha.



I always had easier time socializing with women simply because I was not into "boys' things". However, both genders had a habit of taking advantage of me.



While I do not have any signs of synaesthesia, I do have hard time accepting how others move around 3D space. This is related mostly to walking. I find it greatly irritating that people walk in zigzags, with irrational vectors, change pace, stop suddenly and make sharp, quick turns without looking around, because they see something shiny in a shop window, for example. I walk significantly faster than most people and these things drive me nuts when I am in a crowd, I feel like I am wasting time and energy because I must slalom between people.



Ah, masking. Most people with ASD do this. A lot of people also struggle with speaking in front of other people. I know the feeling of not knowing where to start. Like, when my knowledge about the subject is so deep that I see so many aspects of it interweaving with each other, so many factors impacting all of this ...how in the world should I tell someone about it? If I've spent hours, days, months or even years (in some cases) gathering knowledge about something, it seems impossible to boil it down for a purpose of a short conversation.

There, these are things you wrote I can relate to. No matter if you are AS or not (you may have some other condition or even several things going on and overlapping, so it is important to get officially diagnosed), you are clearly NOT a neurotypical person.