No interest in friendship/dealing with stress in life

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I have high-functioning autism and I feel like I have zero interest in socializing/forming relationships with other people. I have zero friends at the moment, not even close friends, and I'm not sad about it at all. In fact, I prefer to be alone all the time.
I also have no interest in learning social skills either, even though I've always felt like there is a lot of pressure/stigma against people like me who don't want to learn these things. I get a lot of social anxiety, and am always shy around people. It is also boring.

However, there are many times when I feel pressured to socialize in certain situations, even if they are with family members, in order to "fit in" and not seem "rude" by ignoring other people. In these times when I'm socializing (pretending to), I often have to "mask" my disinterest in people by smiling often and trying to acknowledge them, like any normal person would. All it does however is drain me emotionally and I feel extremely mentally tired/miserable after this. I consider myself to be very solitary (I can spend days being alone without interacting at all). However, when people notice me like this (like family members), they simply think that I'm a loner and that I should spend more time with people.

I also don't have any interest at all in social activities. For instance, I don't like partying. I don't like watching movies with people, particularly with people I know. In fact, just the thought of watching a movie with a "close friend" gives me a strong sense of anxiety, since I fear/dislike any form of intimacy.

I don't enjoy relationships either and have no desire for it whatsoever. I suspect I'm aromantic and asexual too. I've had zero sexual attraction to anyone. I don't find the idea of sex exciting at all. In fact, I'm repulsed by it. I'm not saying that sex is wrong, but I personally find it gross. I also don't like cuddles or holding hands, because again, I dislike intimacy and feel confused by the negative feelings associated by it. I've always felt like (particularly since early adulthood) that I've been an observer and that I feel like I'm watching a movie of myself. One person claims it's some form of depersonalization.

I like activities that involve being alone, such as self-studying advanced maths (I have a bachelors degree in that field), and creating my own fictional characters/worlds that I never reveal to anyone in real life.

When I tell people about my lack of interest in friends, and they say things like I should just "socialize more", "get experience/practice", and "humans are social creatures", I can't help but feel a sense of hurt, guilt, and bitterness because of the fact that I feel like I'm constantly being misunderstood. Even when people say that it's just a lack of confidence (I do lack some confidence now and then, but I don't think that is itself the cause of me not having friends), I feel it hurts somewhat inside me because it feels like people don't think it's normal to not have interest in friendship/connection. I think if I were to socialize more, I would end up losing a sense of my identity somehow.

I've also been emotionally abused/neglected by one of my parents since childhood, and I grew up with one that is manipulative. I'm not sure if this is a cause for my lack of desire for friendship, or if it's just my autism, or both. I sometimes have had this odd obsessive delusion that I've been dropped as a baby or suffered from fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (my grandparents had a history of alcohol abuse) instead of having been diagnosed with autism at the age of 2. But I know that I have been diagnosed and people just say I'm going through some form of mental trauma with coping with these feelings.

I've noticed especially lately that I tend to have difficulty experiencing pleasure in certain things that I used to enjoy, particularly things that involve being creative. Some people say it could be depression, but I don't truly know. I also feel like I don't really care when people praise me or give me compliments; however, I try to hide this from people and pretend that I do by smiling and saying "thanks" etc. I also feel like I distrust a lot of people in general, whether it's society or if they are family relatives and sometimes had the occasional paranoia that they're trying to manipulate me. I'm also bad with humor and understanding humor in social situations. While I haven't revealed this yet to anyone in real life, I notice that I've disassociated emotions in social situations, so as in not becoming emotionally attached to people in general/family members.

I've also noticed that I've experienced a few mild delusions/odd beliefs even when I was younger. For instance, when I was around 13, I wanted to see if teleportation would possibly work if I wrapped myself in my blanket in my bedroom, hoping that I would unwrap the blanket and be in the living room. Also, during rainy weather, as odd as it sounds, I've sometimes thought right in the moment when I'm in bed that I could control it with my mind by making it stop if I "believed I could" hard enough, kind of like the movie Matrix. I feel like it's some part of me wanting for fantasy ideas to become real, as absurd as it sounds.

I also said earlier that I've felt like I've have a bit of distrust in people. I've noticed recently that when I was on one of my anonymous online art accounts (I do art as a hobby and I prefer keeping my identity private sometimes), when someone once contacted me out of the blue to compliment my artwork or share their interest, I've had this little suspicion/delusion in the moment that it was someone from the government trying to get information from me or to manipulate me, as absurd as it sounds. Speaking of being online (when I'm anonymous), I feel my life is "split" into a dilemma between online and offline, since I feel like being online is part of my life too where I feel less socially anxious.

I'm also partially religious (I believe that there is some God or equivalent of God out there), and a few times I've tried asking my maker if something really odd could happen like a UFO randomly appearing in the sky and abducting me, revealing that the world I live is not the only thing that exists but one where fantasy ideas can exist. I also sometimes feel like everyday things I see in real life are messages for me. For instance; ticking clocks and black cats. Once I walked by a black cat that was staring at me with its eyes wide open, and it felt like there was some spiritual God equivalent warning me of what was going to come. And this was only recent. Also, ticking clocks have also felt like a spiritual God equivalent is trying to warn me, such as the fact that my time on Earth is ticking or that something good or bad is coming.

I've also had weird beliefs, in a non-egotististical way but a more genuine way, that I am destined to become someone very special like I'm destined to change the world or to be someone famous (though I'm too shy to become famous). I've always felt my life was a bit coincidental considering how I happen to be born with autism and have an interest in maths, and when I look up these symptoms, it says that it's just a normal person confused about their identity/looking for hope, like one of my counselors have also said when I told them this (I am with a counselor at the moment).

So I'm wondering, is this a common trait in people in general (neurotypicals), in people with autism/asperger's, or is this just a result of emotional abuse/some form of complex PTSD? I think my mother tries to tell me that it's just a phase that happens to everyone in some point in their lives. But I feel like it's a little more than that. Or am I just overthinking/looking too much into this? My mother has a form of bipolar by the way, and I'm guessing that autism may have some similarities with it.

What do you think?

I had feelings much as you describe here during my youth. I was completely trapped and controlled by abusive family and unable to respond because I had not learned how to do anything but be obedient and try to please others. Life felt futile and was always painful. I was definitely in deep depression and suicidal until about age 30 when I got therapy.
Therapy gave me new tools to communicate in a healthy way, taught me how to say no, how to recognize my own needs, wants, wishes and feelings instead of concentrating on pleasing others. It was because I had been trained only to serve and to please. I learned healthy self assertive behavior. How to say NO, how to set boundaries and how to protect myself from being manipulated, intimidated, abused, and used. I learned over a period of time how to make healthier choices. I was so relieved to learn I even had choices... I did not know until it was explained to me. My autistic rigid thinking did not allow me to see alternatives. Once I had better communication tools to use, my life began to open up, my relationships with others were healthier and I was able to build a healthier life for myself. If what you have been doing is not working, it is time to try something else. Therapy was the single most scary and upsetting thing I ever did, but it got better as I began to understand the unhealthy patterns I had been taught in my sick family situation and began to learn healthier alternatives. It saved my life and my sanity. If I could do it, I think most anybody else could too. Sending best wishes from 40 years after therapy and now having a healthy life. It was the single best thing I ever did for myself. Cheering you on.

You must be doing something right if you’re a counselor.

I’m also thinking that you have at least some interest in people if you do counseling.

There are very few absolutes in the world—except sometimes in math.

Perhaps you would like socializing better if, say, you make a friend who is into “advanced math.”

My feeling is: as long as you don’t hurt others, it’s okay to want to be alone.

If you happen to discover something, or do something “great,” it’s quite possible that you might have to associate with other humans in order for that “greatness” to be fully realized.

Even hermits who have done great things have appealed to at least one person who felt inspired to disseminate that “great thing” amongst other people.

Emily Dickinson was practically a hermit for most of her life….but she and her poetry appealed to enough people for her fame to be spread worldwide by those people after she passed away.

I relate to a lot of what you wrote, especially during my 20s i often lived in my own head, and had an online persona that i got lost in.
(i still do have it) I also have the odd beliefs you mention, i often over analyze my dreams, and see hidden meanings in basically everything. Messages from God etc.

Up until age 26 apart from my parents and only friend i didn't have any connection with the outside world.

It is easy to be alone when you condition yourself to it and didn't have any healthy relationship early in life.

However in my case, i developed ocd and it made my life hell. I had to escape from being in my head all the time so i started therapy and i got better at being out at the real world.
It has its negative side too, forming relationships with people means you feel a sense of loss when the relationship disappears for some reason. I feel like i used to be "stronger" in the past when i was in my head.

Of course this is my own experience, i had to change my lifestyle since it was unhealthy for Me as a person with ocd. But i know perfectly healthy people who don't have much connection to the outside world either.

What's right is different for everyone

My mom was abused/neglected and without guidance she emotionally abused/neglected me. She seems bipolar also - now I realize she has ASD (like me; bipolar is a common misdiagnosis for ASD women, especially the more energetic ones like us). My self esteem when alone is very high, but it's very low in relation to others. Like you I don't know how much of that is my upbringing or cumulative PTSD. I have been invalidated by others most of my life (particularly my critical ASD mom and my bully NT sister, and even my well-meaning NT dad) and have internalized it.

Your fantasies sound like mine: escapism or control.

During my evaluation I scored 4% for social initiative. That said, I am extroverted and I like people --- I feel very social, but apparently my 80% effort is most people's 4%. It's hard to get along with people and many times I simply want to avoid conflict. I am so sick of conflict. Perhaps I have low tolerance for conflict --- however, my instinct is that I have simply had too much of it... so many misunderstandings... Myself to the (NT) world in general: My attempt to exchange information and the facts I am presenting you demonstrate how much I care, not how weird and selfish I am. Really. Duh.

If a person doesn't want company, as long as they've got somewhere to live alone, I can't see how anybody else would be able to stop them. I suppose the family might have a go, but as long as their help wasn't needed, it would just be a matter of ignoring them. Source of income might be a problem, if it was from a job that expected a social performance. But I would think there are jobs exist where they'd be happy to let somebody rot away in isolation as long as they delivered whatever material results well enough. My job was rather like that towards the end. I'd probably have had a more difficult ride if I'd been completely aloof from my colleagues, but I got away with turning down invitations to social gatherings.

Of course having a passable interpersonal style can be quite useful for oiling the works when you need to secure anybody's co-operation, but you'd likely get by without.

It's interesting, though, that you want to talk about the matter. That in itself suggests to me that you're not 100% asocial, otherwise you'd just keep your thoughts to yourself and not be at all interested in what anybody else made of it.

I'm probably not all that different from you. True, I want friends as long as they're not too much of a pain in the butt, and I'm scared of living the rest of my life without companionship. But when push comes to shove I don't go to much trouble to make and keep friends. I dislike myself for being that way but I have no coherent plan to mend my ways, and it's been a very long time since I've put much effort into any social outreach. Somehow the very idea feels unseemly to me. If socialising comes naturally to me (which it can do at the right time with the right people), I might find myself making more of an effort, but if it doesn't come naturally they tend to get the bare minimum I think I can get away with. I've got some social skills, but I just kind of tread water with them, almost as if I'm operating on auto-pilot.

The only real problem with cutting one’s self from all contact is the potential for losing a grip on reality. I’ve been a lot happier since I stopped forcing myself to be social. The people who tell you to get used to it, try harder, etc… that’s just bs for many autistics.

If you are so inclined, it is probably worth putting some effort into figuring out to your satisfaction if you are suffering from ptsd and abuse. After some exploration of that topic, I decided it was irrelevant to my life today. But that is just me. Your situation might be different.

Welcome to WP.

I think many people can relate to a lot of what you’re saying! And there is nothing wrong with preferring your own company if that is what you prefer. Good for you for being so proactive and working with a counsellor to explore things from all angles, though. Who knows, you might have effects of cPTSD overlaying your ASD neurotype, which counselling can help.

You could look into some cPTSD related issues like Schizoid Personality Disorder or Alexithymia, perhaps? (SPD has nothing to do with schizophrenia, btw, the name is misleading). Some of the symptoms you mentioned sound similar, and both respond to therapy I believe—even garden variety cPTSD should respond to therapy. I’m obviously not a doctor or anything I just have an interest in psychology.

I wish I had started therapy at your age. I would be so much further ahead! I had some cPTSD and Alexithymia along with ASD but it only took a couple of years of therapy to move past it. Good luck with everything! Sounds like you’re on the right track!

Recently, my car broke, so I had to ask a friend for a ride to the city for supplies. We had run out of things to say on a shorter trip recently, so I had bad panic attacks and had to re-schedule once. Surprise! He was keen to spend the day with me, not just loan me his car, because he is making progress on recovery from his own abuse and wanted to talk about it with someone who has done similar work, but is not ready to join a group yet. We are now much closer friends.

Usually, I find people either boring or scary. My parenting was minimum-effort; if I was suffering from feelings, I was just quarantined until I got quiet again. So, my social talents were stunted, and that became a feedback loop, putting me farther behind. However, ultimately, I could find no meaning or motivation without the hope that some other person would appreciate my work. So, I practice my social skills at a moderate pace, and try to find someone to discuss each major interest with. If I can get a laugh, I feel very reassured that we are connecting.

Enjoyment of sex seems to come from the oldest parts of the brain. If you have risen above the passions, congratulations.

I've always displayed loner tendencies, i like solitude, more than most. Social relationship are somewhat of a draining demand on time and energy. Can feel more of a burden than anything at times. But i'm definitely not aromantic or asexual.

^ I think executive dysfunction is common with asd. I also have it.

Btw you come across as very friendly and sociable here but of course online personas are different than irl ones.

No, i speak up about as much in real life as i would here. I guess the anonymity of online, means you can reveal more personal things about yourself. Since we're all just strangers after all.

I don't know if i would class myself as 'very friendly and sociable.' I'm not a sociable person really. It takes effort for me. Or i have to be really interested or like somebody alot, to want to engage with them, for any sustained period of time. Otherwise I'm pretty much a loner.