Are hobbies the reason we are still single ?

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chris1989
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28 Dec 2021, 2:14 pm

The trouble is with someone like me I feel I get so interested in doing something such as trying to write a book or reading something I'm really into that I've even wondered maybe this is a reason why I am single. I seem to think its perceived by others as being weird. I remember this adult lady who was obsessed with teddy bears and would go to sleep with one and I don't think she had autism or aspergers, and remember the interviewer asking her ''Well, do you think this is a reason why you are still single ?'' There are times when I enjoy being single but I also seem to envy couples in a busy public or social environment especially if there is someone very attractive and it looks like they are already with someone. It does make me think ''Well, this explains why I haven't met someone yet because I won't go to a pub, or a bar or have close friends who go out and get me to meet new people''. I've tried dating sites but sometimes on them, I have little luck, I just see the same faces on some sites and would press like or ''super-like'' and only get views and no replies to my messages and some people have said ''Well, maybe you are not trying hard enough.''



Mountain Goat
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28 Dec 2021, 2:36 pm

I avoid pubs and clubs and immerse myself in hobbies.



Joe90
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28 Dec 2021, 4:15 pm

Being teetotal is probably the main reason why I only have a very small circle of friends. It's sad that the majority of NTs base their friendship choices on how much alcohol one consumes. Didn't know so many NTs needed alcohol to enhance their social skills, can't they socialise without this magic potion?


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Fnord
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28 Dec 2021, 4:18 pm

Sobriety may not be attractive to some; but being constantly drunk/stoned is certainly repulsive to most.



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28 Dec 2021, 4:42 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Being teetotal is probably the main reason why I only have a very small circle of friends. It's sad that the majority of NTs base their friendship choices on how much alcohol one consumes. Didn't know so many NTs needed alcohol to enhance their social skills, can't they socialise without this magic potion?


I am not teetotal as I do not like tea.



Joe90
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28 Dec 2021, 5:11 pm

Fnord wrote:
Sobriety may not be attractive to some; but being constantly drunk/stoned is certainly repulsive to most.


Drinking is a spectrum; one end is teetotalism, the other end is alcoholism. Excessive drinkers (aka, alcoholics) are usually frowned upon by society too, but us teetotal folk get the same sort of judgement too.

I bet if I started going around telling people I love going to bars and pubs and nightclubs and getting drunk, my social circle would double. Most NTs just find having some sort of relationship with alcohol very interesting and appealing, unless you're on the extreme end of the alcohol spectrum. I'd say about 99.9% of people I know are on the alcohol spectrum somewhere, or at least have been at some point in their lives.

99.9% of people you meet (that don't have a certain religion what doesn't support drinking or doesn't have a disability or condition that makes drinking alcohol life-threatening) will have been clubbing and got really drunk in their younger years, and missing out on that stage of life is like missing out on playing with toys in childhood. It's like a must-do thing, and anyone who hasn't set foot in a nightclub before or has never been drunk before (like me) are total weirdos.

Why do we live in a society, full of socially-skilled people (or so Aspies here think), that can't live without alcohol to enhance their social lives? It doesn't make sense.


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goldfish21
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28 Dec 2021, 5:41 pm

No. Many people in relationships have hobbies.

It's not hobbies. It's autism and it's resulting myriad of social impairments.


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28 Dec 2021, 5:46 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Why do we live in a society, full of socially-skilled people (or so Aspies here think), that can't live without alcohol to enhance their social lives? It doesn't make sense.


Alcohol makes it easier for people to mask stuff like social anxiety, offers an excuse for failing to understand the norms, etc.

Besides the innate addictive properties there's also how it lets people deal with themselves better (at least in the moment) which makes it easier to fulfil their social needs. People who haven't learned to socialize well as adults without alcohol are likely to rely on it as a crutch even if they're not addicts overall.


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28 Dec 2021, 6:01 pm

I've never done any of the going-out-to-meet-people thing. I've got hobbies. Mostly been pretty definitively not single since my mid-20s.

Sure, anecdotal data point and everything. But I'm fairly sure it's not hobbies. The people I ended up in long-term relationships with had hobbies, too. Didn't make them any less attractive, or at least I didn't find so.



goldfish21
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28 Dec 2021, 6:04 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
Why do we live in a society, full of socially-skilled people (or so Aspies here think), that can't live without alcohol to enhance their social lives? It doesn't make sense.


Alcohol makes it easier for people to mask stuff like social anxiety, offers an excuse for failing to understand the norms, etc.

Besides the innate addictive properties there's also how it lets people deal with themselves better (at least in the moment) which makes it easier to fulfil their social needs. People who haven't learned to socialize well as adults without alcohol are likely to rely on it as a crutch even if they're not addicts overall.


There's a reason alcohol is called "liquid courage." Nothing wrong with a drink or two before a date/night out/public speaking etc. A little social lubricant goes a long way.


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xxZeromancerlovexx
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28 Dec 2021, 6:18 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Being teetotal is probably the main reason why I only have a very small circle of friends. It's sad that the majority of NTs base their friendship choices on how much alcohol one consumes. Didn't know so many NTs needed alcohol to enhance their social skills, can't they socialise without this magic potion?


I don’t drink either and I feel like that has isolated me as well.


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30 Dec 2021, 2:03 pm

I think the interviewer was very rude asking a question like that, even if she meant it as a joke, and should have just poked the teddy bear collector in the eye with a sharp stick.

When I was home for Christmas my parents showed me an article from the local newspaper about a woman who loves Christmas so much she has 13 Christmas trees, one for every room, and tons of other holiday stuff. She said when she was living in Vancouver BC, Canada, she was too busy and her apartments were always too small to decorate and she thought she just didn't like the holidays, and I don't know if she's on the spectrum or not. But I get it, being single is worse than being dead in this NT dominated crapsack world, and if you have any unusual hobbies or interests you're passionate about, it's only because you're single or not "getting any", and that makes you a loser. :roll:

And heaven forbid you mention that some people prefer to be single, because then you'll hear some garbage like humans are social by nature and it is not normal to prefer being alone and bla bla bla. I guess I really am a space alien lost on Earth, and it's only because I *look* human that they haven't stuck me in a science lab to study me. :alien:



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30 Dec 2021, 2:16 pm

Meh, Vancouver has a lot of "losers." Very high rate of single-person households. So much so they had to carve out special exemptions for single Vancouverites to have at least Some form of legal social interaction during the strictest lockdowns.

A lot of people complain about the dating scene in Vancouver - that peoples' primary measure of worth is whether you own a home or not. Basically, do you have a multiple six figure salary and Million dollar+ home OR equivalent inheritance or not??? So I can see why there are a Lot of frustrated singles here who remain single for rejection Or spite reasons - the latter being "Ok, so I rent.. soooo, F off and leave me alone - I'll just do My thing."


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30 Dec 2021, 9:16 pm

I think the simple answer here is... yes. If you spend all your time in isolation then of course you aren't going to meet a romantic partner, or anyone for that matter. That's just sort of definitionally true. Unless your hobby is something social where you have to interact with people. In a mathematical sense, the greater the number of new people you interact with per day the greater the chance that you will get involved in a relationship with one of those people. If social situations are anxiety inducing for you, and you have strong solitary interests you enjoy pursuing, then you aren't going to meet many people face to face, and therefore won't have anyone to form a relationship with.

One thing you might want to consider is taking advantage of the times when you are inevitably going to be around many new people; for most that's either school/college or work. If you want to go above and beyond you could try joining a local group that's into something you are also into (even if only tangentially) just to increase the number of new people in your life. Though I understand this can be hard, especially when social interactions are anxiety producing and exhausting.

And lastly, this is all assuming you even want a relationship. There is nothing wrong with being single. If you would rather pursue your own solitary interests than date, then that's totally fine.



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01 Jan 2022, 8:31 am

chris1989 wrote:
I remember this adult lady who was obsessed with teddy bears and would go to sleep with one and I don't think she had autism or aspergers, and remember the interviewer asking her ''Well, do you think this is a reason why you are still single ?''
I don't get why guys would have a problem with that :? That sounds cute to me & us guys tend to really like cute girls :drunken: It could be a sign that she is very affectionate. I would find that very attractive if she would be willing to cuddle with her romantic partner instead of her teddy-bear when her guy was available to. Yes it could also be a sign that she's immature but I don't get why that would be a problem since guys tend to be much more attracted to younger women than older 1s.

My interests have always been things I do by myself but most of em are common 1s like watching TV, listening to music, looking up random stuff on the web & posting on online forums, & when I was a kid playing with Legos, & when I was a teen playing video-games but I still play vid-games some these days. I do have some more uncommon & maybe worrisome interests but they are not things I really feel the need to talk about offline. I may talk about em a lot online at times or lots of times but I don't talk about em much offline. I tend to be very quiet offline & I always had few or at times no real friends. I don't share interests lots of people have where I used to live have but I don't think my interests were a major reason for my lack of friends but rather my sh!tty social skills were. I also think my lack of friends or rather why I had a lack of friends was a major factor as to why I was single for so long & struggled so majorly to get a girlfriend but I don't think my interests were the main reason.


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theprisoner
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01 Jan 2022, 9:57 am

goldfish21 wrote:
There's a reason alcohol is called "liquid courage." Nothing wrong with a drink or two before a date/night out/public speaking etc. A little social lubricant goes a long way.

Oh cool. But I' don't feel i should risk liver failure, just to feel at home in the social world. What's worse, autism or alcoholism? But yeah, that is true, booze = gregariousness, extroversion.It's always done that to me.


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