Got woman's number without even looking for one

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I think you screwed the pooch. You became over-attentive & paranoid-ish very quickly for little reason. Then instead of realizing it & pulling back, you plowed forward. Seriously off the rails.

There's nothing shady about not saying she had a boyfriend immediately. She has zero obligation to let you into that part of her life until she knows you better.

Honestly, I haven't read the final few posts about her/this situation because, once my jaw hit the floor, I thought that was far enough.

Edit: Removed a word.

Last edited by Blue_Star on 12 Jan 2022, 9:09 am, edited 2 times in total.

Yep. One should only gradually become involved in a potential partner’s life.

One shouldn’t force a potential partner to become immersed in you.

Above all, people value personal autonomy. I know I do.

How exactly?

(i) Giving me a ride was her idea not mine. Exchanging phone numbers after the ride was also her idea

(ii) Me dissecting it in the forum WAS my idea, but how is she supposed to know that I did this, unless she is psychic. Lets take an extreme case: lets say I spend 15 hours a day making posts about her. Still, there is no way for her to know it, is there.

(iii) The one thing she accused me of is stealing unspecified "items" from her boyfriend. How can this possibly be related to being "over-attentive"?



By "shady" I was referring to accusing me of stealing.

I don't see how you are referring to her as a potential partner, if she has a boyfriend.

Also, how did I "force her" to do anything if it was her idea to give me a ride and it was also her idea to exchange phone numbers?

I don't see how making long posts on WP would be "forcing her" to do something, given that she doesn't read WP, and isn't psychic either.

Last but not least, how would any of this justify accusing me of stealing?

None of these are the issue, altho your over-analyzing yourself & situations isn't helping.

Let's see, her dad's weird & there? Nothing wrong with that. You don't know their family dynamic.
She talks with you without the boyfriend or mentioning he is the boyfriend instead of just a friend. Nothing there either as no one owes you any of that info.
Seeing the boyfriend without her. Yeah, people still have separate friends & do things without each other. Doing everything together, to me, seems too clingy, needy, & weird. And saying he has various people over all the time in no way implies all at the same time. This was to let you know that you don't need to feel weird coming over because he has various people coming & going (as in he hasn't shut off his home to people, he's friendly, etc.).

The stealing allegation is where things really fell off. Too many calls, too many reasons, just too much. You could've asked who she meant via txt. You could have calmly called him to clear it up. You could have ignored her. If it's not her stuff, it's not up to her to fix it. Then you just kept calling. Why? You've turned the issue into a much bigger mess, & then you start getting paranoid about how people at a diner are following/messing with you for her? For most people, that's too much effort to f with someone they barely know, & then relating everything back to the couple makes you come off as paranoid.

I'm actually surprised the large backpack hasn't been an issue before.

I didn't mean you literally used the word shady about that specific behavior, but that you scrutinized & read into the behavior that it is shady or weird or such because you are uncertain of it. I think a number of human behaviors are weird, but I have to accept that's how most humans are. Accusing you of stealing is weird, but it could have been handled better.

You were obsessive about contacting her. That becomes intimidating & demanding quickly. You need to leave a msg, send a txt, and then wait for a response instead of continually leaving more & more. You are forcing her (not purposely, but that doesn't matter) to look at her phone, listen to your msgs, & respond. And when she doesn't, you ding her again. And again. That's bordering on harassment.

Look, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but at some point someone has to say "whoa, hold up" to you. If how you describe it comes off as obsessive & harassment, I can't imagine what she was thinking beyond "omg, why did I give him a ride & my number. I didn't sign up to be poked like a sibling in the backseat of a car ride. (I'm not touching you!)"

EtA: Her accusation was out of place. But your response was too. And then you just kept going.

EtA2: I have a friend who does the constant contact thing. Not in a bad situation, but just generally all the time. I've had breakdowns over the constant unrelenting pressure to respond respond respond even when there's nothing to say in response. And sending more & more after no response is not encouraging me/the other person to respond faster.

So, in this reply, you said that everything was fine on my part until stealing allegation. Yet in the previous reply you said that my problem was too much romantic interest. But, if you look at a timeline, you will see that these two statements can't both be true at the same time. Because you see, I found out that she had a boyfriend the day *before* the stealing allegation. The moment I knew she had a boyfriend, there was no way I could have had any romantic interest in her any longer. Therefore, the way I handled stealing allegation was not related to any romantic interest on my part.

Now, the reason I reacted to stealing allegation so strongly is because stealing is a crime. So if she believes I am guilty of a crime, she can report it to police and get me in trouble. I don't want my career ruined. Or even if she won't report it (as she apparently didn't), it is still crazy to accuse someone of stealing for no reason whatsoever. So there is nothing romantic about not wanting people to accuse me of a crime. It doesn't matter if they are men or women, I would react equally strongly.

As far as thinking they got other folk to go after me, well if they think I stole something then they would. Again, this has nothing to do with "assuming they got so involved in a relationship so fast". Instead, it is about "assuming that their stuff is valuable to them", which it is. The guy is a painter. So if I supposedly stole his paintings, then surely they would go to any lengths to get them back. The only issue here is that I didn't steal anything. Yet they think that I did, which is a problem.

And by the way, I never told either of them that they hired those people. I said it on wrongplanet but NOT to them. So, since they are not psychic, why would my talking about it on WrongPlanet have any effect on them?

I mean lets look at the two texts she sent me, and you tell me if they sound shady:

TEXT NUMBER 1: If you have ANY integrity please return the items you stole from (that guy's name) home

TEXT NUMBER 2: You are a mere stain on what is a sacred Western landscape. Were russia the wet drem you'd have all believe, you'd deposit your pthetic self there to spew our delusional beliefs, hurling yourself toward the multitude of chemical weapon poisons it's aging, tirant leader so freely and cowardly dispenses on his own people.

I made the phone call after I read Text number 1 (but it was 2 hours after that text was sent) and then I received Text number 2 around 15 minutes after that phone call.

Okay, lets count the number of times I contacted her. If you look at the list below, you will see that:

A. If I count both of them together, I contacted them only 3 times before the stealing accusation, and 6 times after that. This clearly shows that the large number of calls was a reaction to the accusation. If it wasn't for that, then just 3 calls isn't that much is it? I guess call number 2 is a little bit off, I should have waited a bit longer. But it didn't come across as either of them minded it.

B. If I count ONLY the times I called her, you would see I only called her 4 times (3 times before the accusation and 1 time after that). The last 5 calls were all made to her boyfriend, not her. So you can't view it as a romantic interest either.

Anyway, here is the list:

1) I called her to ask about places to see. She texted me that she was at the eye doctor. Then a bit later she called me back herself. I asked her about places to see. She told me her "friend" will get back to me.

2) Probably an hour or two hours later, when her "friend" didn't call me back, I called her again. Her friend was there and she passed the phone to him.

3) Shortly before visitting her friends house, I called him asking for directions. He gave me a ride instead.

4) After she sent me the steling accusation, I called her phone and left her a message about it

5) Immediately after that I called her boyfriend asking the same question, and I was quite pushy trying to get him to talk to her. He said he will get back to me after he does.

6) Half an hour later her boyfriend called and said he called her but she didn't have time, he will talk to her in the evening. I continued ranting on how frustrated I am about the whole thing and trying to ask him what does he think went through her mind.

7) He didn't call me back in the evening so I called him. He didn't pick up the phone

8 ) A couple of hours later I again called him. He again didn't pick up the phone

9) I called him next day, he didn't pick up the phone.

Again, overanalyzing.

I said nothing about romantic interest, only about contacting & general interest.

It's not her stuff; the cops wouldn't care if she called unless it was. Yes, her phrasing/way of handling it sucked. My point is that your description of your response to the situation comes off as over-the-top.

And no, most people don't care enough to get a group of people together to follow/harass/annoy you. That's really reading into the situation. It doesn't matter that you didn't say it to them; you sincerely thought they were after you? That really shouldn't be your first, second, or third assumption. Drunk arse-holes would be a better one. I didn't anywhere say or imply that you'd talked to her/them about these "other folk to go after me". (& honestly, I basically tuned out after that post. Sorta skimmed the next or so, but...)

In the end, they are all random people. Your description really makes you come across as over-doing it. Some of this was on their end, but def some on yours too.

EtA: And txt2 indicates topics that probably went too in-depth for beginning conversations. And yes, she was angry & likely trying to hurt/annoy you to make you go away at that point. I go too in-depth too quickly sometimes, so I've had to learn to pull back too.

Even with general interest: I don't see how trying to defend myself from crime accusation would indicate general interest. Its an interest in my own career and reputation; not them.



Thats the part I wasn't so sure about. For example, in case of a murder, the victim is dead and thus can not report a crime. So it is reported by someone else, other than the victim. Yet the cops still listen to that other person.

And even if the victim is still alive, there are such examples even then. My mom told me of one of her elderly clients who had schizophrenic son, who hit her between her legs. She kept insisting that no she just accidentally fell that way. The cops didn't believe her becuase its impossible to hurt oneself that way. So they put her son into group home and gave him restraining order against seeing his mom, even though his mom kept insisting he didn't do it.



How is it over the top if she basically accused me of a crime?



Again, its not them caring about "me", its them caring about "their stuff". Lets say someone stole a million dollars. Wouldn't they go to any length to get it, even if the person stealing it is a complete stranger?



You mentioned in the previous reply that I was "relaying everything to them", and I wasn't.

Also I didn't relay to them the majority of the things I talked about in this post either.

Whatever I relayed to them was limitted to what I explicitly said I relayed to them: namely, the stuff about carrying the math and physics books with me. I haven't talked to them about blood glucose or anything else I talked about in this post.

I *did* however ask her boyfriend whether she has any mental diagnosis such as paranoia. And I also asked him what are the examples of her having such drama with others (since he told me she had it with others too). He didn't answer either of those questions.



I *did* talk about politics while I was at her boyfriends place. As a matter of fact, I would say I spent good 2 or 3 hours at his place, and probably the majority of the conversation was politics. And yes I did tell him that I feel that Russia is misrepresented in the west, and I also told him I side with Russia in case of Crimea and other things. But Russia was not the only topic. We also talked about ancient Rome, about Franks, about Bible, etc. In case of most of the ancient history topics, he was a lot more knowledgible than me, and in fact he was the one who brought those topics up. Thats why I interpretted it as him enjoying that conversation. If he didn't enjoy it, why would he be brining up all those various topics that I know nothing about? And as far as Russia he acted as if he agreed with me, and in fact he offered some thoughts of his own.

So are you saying its again the good cop/bad cop thing? When he pretended to enjoy that conversation and, later, had his girlfriend attack me for it?

Where did I say that, because I am not reading where I said or implied you were relaying everything to them. The closest I can find is where I said, "relating everything back to the couple makes you come off as paranoid". Nothing about relaying or telling them anything. The relating is that it's all these things you are assuming are connected to this couple.

Also, this "I *did* however ask her boyfriend whether she has any mental diagnosis such as paranoia" is none of your business & def not so soon. If she (or he) had volunteered the info, great. Did you volunteer your asperger's/autism? Any of your other issues?



Where & why are you reading good cop/bad cop into this? Ok, so you didn't say those things to her. Just from her txt, I can't know that. So she's txting based on what her boyfriend told her about your conversation. In that case, the misinformation is on her boyfriend, but if your convos there were like this thread (in the over-analyzing & describing) then I can see where he might have gotten the wrong idea or inflated/conflated what you told/talked about with him.


Here's the thing, you seem very focused on the stealing accusation, but I see this as more about the whole situation, not that specific thing. It's only a part of what happened. Everything adds up together; these are not isolated instances without any background.

I misread "relating" as "relaying" (as in, I read "y" instead of "t"). And yes it was that quote. Thanks for clarification.



As a matter of fact, I *do* volunteer my Asperger and other issues probably to the majority of people I talk to, him included.

In his case, I mentioned my Asperger in the following context. So, as I mentioned earlier, there was a male friend of his that he said will be there but he was late. Well, finally he called and said he is coming soon. So then he said he will be taking me home before his friend comes. So then I told him I have Asperger and asked whether or not the conversation was unpleasant, which is why he doesn't want to see his friend. He responded that no its not it at all: and he said he actually enjoyed the conversation. The reason he didn't want me to see his friend is because it is going to be a business meeting. If his friend were to come earlier, then it would have been the three of us for a while and then I would leave before the business meeting. But because he came so late, they will have their business meeting right away, which is why he was taking me home before then.

But in any case, the above was "not" right before he took me home but instead it was a sort of "notice ahead of time" that he will take me home within next half an hour. So then, right after the above conversation, he told me not to be so concerned about Asperger or what people think. So then I told him that the reason I am concerned about it is because I can't get a girlfriend due to that. Obviously, his friend is a male, but whatever it is he suspects his male friend to dislike, the very same things the girls might dislike too. Thats why I am concerned about it. So then after that he was giving me some advice on how to get a girlfriend. And yes one thing he told me is not to share too much information all at once (particularly not telling them about my age and my Asperger right away). So since you are saying *he* probably didn't like it, it kinda makes sense since he could have projected his own feelings onto other women. But I guess it didn't occur to me because when he said his taking me home had nothing to do with my behavior and he liked the conversation, I took it at a face value. Thats why when he told me what girls might dislike I thought of it as just a friendly advice. Particularly since overall he seemed encouraging in terms of my getting a girlfriend. Plus he said a lot of other things too (a lot of which were positive)He was only giving that advice because I really wanted one.

Then the other conversation happened in the car. So when he was taking me home he mentioned that it is a small town and he knows a lot of people across the town. So then I decided to ask him about some misunderstanding that happened at the bar few days earlier and to see if he could speak to the manager on my behalf.

So what happened at the bar was the following. I don't drink, but I wanted to eat. It was late at night so the bar was the only thing around that was open. I went to that bar hoping they would still serve food. But they no longer served food since it was after hours. But in any case I was sort of standing, waiting for the waiter to come. But then a couple of drunk guys started making some remarks that could be construed as sexual. For example one of them kept asking about long rope, which could have meant penis. Then later he told the manager that we decided that he shows me his nuts and I show him my nuts (obviously nuts meant balls). Now I should have said right away that I am not gay and we didn't decide it. But I was kinda stunned so I ddn't know what to say. What I did instead is to pretend not to know what he is talking about. I pretended I didn't know what "ropes" and "nuts" refer to. In any case the manager said that their kitchen is closed (it was past 9) so unless I want to order drinks I should leave. Well, it was true that I wanted to eat and I didn't want to drink. I never said this though. So I am not sure how he deduced it from my behavior but apparently he did. So I left. In any case, I then started to obsess whether they would spread gay rumors about me. So then I came there the next day and asked to speak to the manager. The manager who asked me to leave the day before (who was male) was no longer there and, instead, there was a different manager (who was a female). So I described to the female manager what happened and she said she will talk to the male manager, but male manager won't be there till Monday. I told her I won't be there on Monday since I need to get back to Albuquerque. So she gave me their card that I could call. But then remember how I mentioned extending my hotel stay more and more since I wanted to see all sides of town that took longer than expected. So on Monday (which was the day before yesterday) I was still there. So I came to that bar and again asked for the manager. But, again, there was a female manager who said the male one wasn't there nor did she talk to him. She said he will be there Wednesday morning.

In any case, the way this is all relevant is that I talked to her boyfriend about it when he was taking me back home. This was obviosuly *before* my last conversation with the female manager, but *after* the first one. The reason I talked to him about it is that he told me he knows people in town. So I was wondering whether he knows that manager so that he could explain to him that I am not gay. He said yes he knows him and yes he will talk to him. But what he was paraphrasing seemed to have different emphasize. For example he said "even if you were gay, they shoudn't treat you like that". And I said "thats not the point, the point is the factual information that I am not gay. I don't want people to think that I am, if I am not". And he seemed to be a bit evasive in this regard although he eventually said he will tell them I am not gay. What he *did* seem willing to say though was that "someone with Asperger came by and they mistreated him; there are more positive ways of handling situations such as these".



Because if the politics conversation was so bad, then why was *he* pretending he was enjoying it, unless he played "good cop"?



Thats right, I never said those things to her. Only to her boyfriend.



Why would he *first* act as if he enjoys it and *later* go out of his way to inflate/conflate the negatives? Thats where it feels like a manipulation of sorts.

Besides, you said he would inflate/conflate the content because I wasted his time being long winded. What does the content have to do with time? Creating one issue because he is frustrated at the other issue is passive aggressive.



But the point is that "bigger picture" that we talked about doesn't seem to explain stealing accusation. Because other things I did weren't crimes, stealing is.

Can you explain the connection between acting overbearing and being accused of stealing? How would the former justify the latter?

Last edited by QFT on 12 Jan 2022, 2:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

He could have enjoyed it or at least some of it. How do you know he had his girlfriend attack you instead of her accusation being a misinterpretation of something he said? Unless he said one way or the other, don't assume he was pretending to enjoy it.




I wasn't very clear. He might've inflated some things you said or otherwise misinterpreted. Humans do that. He could have focused on X part of your conversation, & by hearing that (along with other things) she then assumed Z, A, & D. Or he was accurate & she has an issue. Or maybe she had a dream that seemed so real that she acted as if it were. You can't know their motivations, what they said, how they said it, nor their interpretations.

It may have been something like she didn't like you & wanted a quick way to get you to go away. As in, she accuses (reason irrelevant), you talk to boyfriend & find out he didn't say that or whatever, then you walk away from the whole thing. That didn't happen, and your response(s) to the situation got her frustrated (real emotion or reason irrelevant) enough to send a nasty thing to get you to stop. Some people just cannot be politely direct; some people like drama; some people are nuts (weird, diff, out-there, etc.).

Don't continue to engage. It wasn't worth the time or effort.




This is explained above. In the end, you won't know. And we don't know.




I'm missing where I said that (or aimed towards) "he didn't like it". I think this is already responded to above.




By the next morning, no one likely remembers or cares about any of the whole bar incident. They don't care whether you're straight or not. Trying to get them to remember you, the situation, & then discuss it is unnecessary. Again, they likely don't care or even remember. And if you're not from the area or will be visiting frequently, there's no reason to spend the energy anyway. Showing up to discuss it tho might make the whole thing stick in their heads longer. Thus instead of being a random faceless person, you're now a known person associated with the initial incident and as the guy who couldn't let it go. Unless you're making friends with the bartender, it shouldn't matter. Is straight or not really that important that you want some random bartender to remember you for it?

As to the rest, bartenders see a lot of various behaviors. He likely saw something that said "I need food". I don't know about the genital guys, but my only advice is don't engage & leave. And my only thought on the rest is that if it's that big of a sticking point, do it yourself. I could see perhaps asking for how to approach it generally, but it's not a friend's job to do it for you. Maybe if they (boyfriend & manager) were friends...

I may be saying bartender where it should say manager, but I'm not going to bother correcting.

I was just trying to interpret it in terms of things you were saying. You said that part of the problem might be my style of conversation with him. In this case it would be him disliking it rather than her, since she wasn't there.

And then you also said he inflated/conflated things because of my conversation being too lengthy. But what is the connection between the two things unless he uses one to punish me for the other?



But you pre-phrased it by saying that if my conversation with him was anything like it is on WP. Thats where it seemed like he inflate/conflate as a "punishment" for not liking how I talk.



So are you saying she *knew* I didn't steal anything and was purposely saying something she *knew* was false? Or do you think she suspected I might have, due to her dislike of me?

Also, if she didn't like me, why did she give me a number? I guess I could answer it in few different ways:

a) Since it was her dad who suggested she gives me her number, she felt forced to listen to her dad, even though she already didn't like me

b) I managed to come across as overbearing *before* the stealing accusation. If so, how?

c) She didn't like the way her boyfriend paraphrased our conversation

d) Other (specify)

Which of those do you think is the case?

And also, if she did end up disliking me for whatever reason, why couldn't she just decide to stop returning my calls/texts? Now, I personally don't like that either (as you can see from my other WP posts). But since thats what most people seem to do -- as much as I dislike it -- why couldn't she do the same?

But, instead of "not returning the texts", she started a text completely on her own about my stealing. Because you see, I haven't texted her after that conversation with her boyfriend. But then I got the text from her about stealing, totally out of the blue.



Because I heard a phenomenon of "gay rumors". No it wasn't about me: it was what I read for my English class in college a long time ago. But since that phenomenon exist, I don't want said "gay rumors" to spread about me. Since then it would be a lot more than just one person.

And even if I am not from the area, if the whole town thinks I am gay, then it would spread beyond that town.

I guess you might say that the situation of "the whole town thinking I am gay" is not likely since I am not that important. But the thing is that her boyfriend said that people there know each other. And as a matter of fact, he happened to know that bar tender when I mentioned to him who he is. He also knew people working at some other cafes I went to. He also knew the management of the hotel I was staying at (he said he wouldn't have stayed there if he was me). So if people know each other that well, then I don't want to be known as someone gay.



But her boyfriend and manager *do* know each other. As a matter of fact, first her boyfriend said he knows a lot of people in town. Then I asked him whether he knows the bar manager. And only after he said yes, then only I asked him to talk to him.



Actually I myself am not sure. When I talked to those people, I kept referring to him as "manager". But maybe he wasn't. In which case, when they do talk to the *manager* (since thats whom I asked them to talk to) he might end up saying he wasn't there or whatnot. But that is the best I could do since I myself don't know who he is.

So I read this entire story of a thread and I have to ask, why does any of this matter? They don't live where you do, they don't have a picture of you from what I know of so, at this point they probably don't even remember who you are. About the "gay" part, why would it matter if the whole town knew if you don't live there? Even if they told everyone, unless you dox yourself and said "Yeah that was me" you could easily feign ignorance or just ignore it altogether because the only people that know you(and barely at that) is the woman, her friend/boyfriend the dad and I guess the manager at the bar and the bar manager most likely has seen crazier stuff than that and probably won't care.

Now since this is social skills topics so I will say this: You over-analyzing to this extent is a very big problem because it comes off as very paranoid and asking people to talk to others on your behalf when they barely know you also comes off as over-bearing. Asking someone about another's medical history is very intrusive and telling someone about your medical history so soon is very odd behavior. I would recommend maybe a social skills group if they have one in your area as those things can get you into some serious trouble.

The woman and her boyfriend know my name. They also know I am from Russia. And they also know my phone number. I assume when I registered my number I gave the phone company other details as to who I am. So if they want to report the stealing, they can give police enough info to identify me.



As far as the woman and her boyfriend, they remember who I am. I spent few hours at her boyfriend's place. That plus also she clearly remembered my number when she texted me those two things.

As far as people at the bar, likely not, I agree. But "likely not" is not the same as "absolutely not". So I wanted to make sure they know I am not gay just in case they remember.



Why is it you used the word "knew" instead of using the word "falsely believe"? That word usage implies I am closeted gay, which I am not.



By "some serious trouble" do you mean legal trouble? I was assuming the only thing out of the stuff that happened that could get me into legal trouble is being accused of stealing. As far as asking inappropriate questions, that is protected under freedom of speech.

Or are you saying that by asking those questions I would encourage them to "make something up" that would get me into a legal trouble -- kinda like they "made up" the whole stealing thing?

Or are you saying that its not legal trouble at all but rather beating me up or something of this sort?

The other meaning of the word "trouble" is seriously damaging my reputation. But it doesn't seem like thats what you mean, since you said "so what" when I talked about other aspects of my reputation in that town.