27 and really struggling - advice?

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Makr
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Age: 29
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12 Jan 2022, 2:30 am

I've been almost completely alone for over 6 years now, basically no friends and I've only been on one date which was a few months ago. I'm not diagnosed with autism but I'm starting to realize that I may have it, along with social anxiety and tourettes. I was homeschooled as a kid until I turned 16, so wasn't really observed for psychological abnormalities. Basically when I was 12, I began spending all my time online, text chatting with people as my only source of socialization outside of my family and church to some extent. When I turned 16, I went to public school and I was a selective mute, and very rarely spoke. I was functional in class and would read when it was my turn and things like that with no problem (though nervous). But absolutely would not initiate interaction with anyone else. I'm still very much like that. Nonetheless those who tried to befriend me were very nice to me. One girl messaged me on FB and we talked, I hung out with her and her friends. I was obviously very quiet but I was friendly and relatively socially intelligent (I think). Anyway, things progressed and we dated for over 3 years. We spent almost all of our time together and it was mostly great, but it ended mutually due to obvious tensions from so much time together (we were our only friends basically). She's very possibly autistic too, not sure.

So after the breakup, it really hurt me but I was focused on programming and whatnot. Since then I've worked all kinds of jobs, even worked door-to-door enumeration for the Census. I find that I do okay in regimented social situations like that, I have a mission to collect demographics. I was very awkward, but cordial, professional and effective. They even flew me out of state for more work so I must have been fairly good. Anyway, since the breakup I have been busy doing things I find interesting and improving my life. I built a campervan and I usually go travel around Colorado for months on end to hike and enjoy the nature every summer. I built my own tiny house with my dad and paid it off DoorDashing, and personally I think it's a badass house. So I've been doing fairly in that respect but like I said, no friends through any of this, not even anyone online that I've messaged for longer than a few months.

I never got desperately lonely through these passed 6 years up until recently. I do look back and realize that I was mildly depressed through it, and the adventures I had and all the amazing places I went always felt a bit bittersweet. Things kind of changed a few months ago for a couple of reasons. I had been brushing off the idea of signing up for online dating or trying to date at all. I was living with my parents when I wasn't traveling up until 2 years ago, and the social environment at home was a little odd, my parents never have anyone over and rarely go out. They're probably on the spectrum too, they don't really have social anxiety but they're not neurotypical. Anyway, didn't want to date until I was on my own and had my life together, because those things caused issues in my first relationship and I felt very bad for not being a provider for her. But now I'm positioned fairly well, I have a nice house paid off, nice vehicle, no debt, I keep everything neat and tidy, I'm clean, I feel mature and well-tempered, I make pretty good money, I have interesting hobbies like learning a language, day trading, hiking, traveling, etc.

So a few months ago it just started hitting me that my 30s are creeping up, and the perfect moment to start dating will never come but there's definitely no excuse not to try now. Signed up for tinder and bumble, watched about 100 videos on how to have success on there and had pretty good prospects about it. I'm not an ugly guy, I am skinny but I had my pictures rated on photofeeler and got around 6-7/10 ratings. I swipe right any girl who isn't considerably heavier than me. After about a month of this I did get a match with a beautiful/interesting girl, and I sent a thoughtful message. We kept talking and I asked her out, she said yes. This portion wasn't extremely hard but was uncomfortable, kind of like a game considering all the strategy videos I watched about it. We went out and I picked something kind of lame to do, we played pool and went out to eat. It went surprisingly well considering I had never been on a date in 9 years since I started dating my first girlfriend. She said on the date she wanted to go out again. We set up a day and then out of the blue she probably found someone more cool and charismatic because she texted that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. This hit me a lot harder than it should have, but she was so damn wonderful and when she gave me a hug at the end of the date it melted my fragile heart. I felt incredibly happy after it.

Shortly before this, my first girlfriend actually messaged me on FB out of the blue. We hadn't talked since a week after the breakup, so it was very strange. Anyway, we had been talking for about a month and then I asked if she would want to hang out and be friends. She has a kid and boyfriend so I didn't want to mess with that, but wanted to see her. I wasn't over her though, I still had dreams with her in them where we were still together. It wasn't pleasant to wake up and feel ashamed and depressed from that, and it's not healthy at all, normal people date new people and are able to mentally move on. So we hung out and I was comfortable talking to her very quickly, it felt really refreshing. I realized that I hadn't been myself in someone else's company since we broke up, it's like my personality died when we broke up. It started to hit me how screwed up this was, and how happy I am when I'm able to be myself and connect with someone. So much time I could have spent enjoying life with others. We hung out regularly up until last month. It was nice, and the dreams of her I think have stopped. I feel some closure. But she randomly dropped contact with me a couple weeks ago, probably personal issues or was making her boyfriend uncomfortable, not sure. I wish I knew everything was okay but I have messaged her a couple times and don't feel right doing it again.

So that's kind of where I am. No success at all on dating apps since that date, not even a message convo that lasted more than 2 messages. All of the sudden the severity of my isolation has been made clear to me, I can't simply continue living the way I was living and be happy. I'm starting to sink into depression. I feel like dating apps are one of my only options. I can function socially doing work like DoorDash because all interactions are regimented and professional. Restaurant workers for example very rarely attempt to engage in any extra conversation and when they do, I'm friendly and I try but I fall flat. A lot of it is the anxiety, also my mind goes fuzzy when under pressure like that. I'll walk away and instantly think of things I could have said. I still can't initiate interaction with anyone for the purposes of socializing, and I live in a small town so it's not like there are clubs or anything for interests or any kind of structured activities/groups that I can try to join. I need some kind of structure to be able to function at all, also my personality/demeanor is pretty structured and I'm not very funny or charismatic. I feel like I am a cool person, and someone out there would be able to get along and enjoy my company, but the beginnings of getting to know someone are so tedious and mentally draining to me.

Things are feeling bleak and tinder is shredding the rest of my self-confidence. I feel myself turning slightly resentful at the world which is upsetting, because deep down I love the world, I love people and I love being alive. I want to be happy and make people happy. But the more I feel rejected by everyone mainly because of my own inability to put myself out there, the more depressed and desperate I feel. Depression and desperation are probably one of the worst two qualities women would look for in a person. When I signed up for tinder, I had a go-getter, upbeat attitude about starting to date. That is fading and now I'm really starting to get hurt. Lately I'm going down pathetic mental spirals of feeling bad for myself when I realize how little affection I've gotten for so many years. My first girlfriend didn't really give me much affection after the first year or so of dating. And other than that hung I got a few months ago, I haven't been touched at all in 6 years. It's ridiculous how much those small things mean to me, and how healing a tiny amount of physical contact can be. It hurts so bad when you want to get closer with someone and they ghost you or break things off, and I'm never going to be annoying and try to get someone to keep interacting with me once I get the feeling they're losing interest.

If you read all of this, I very much appreciate it. This is how my posts online end up, sorry. I feel like most of it is relevant, hopefully the detail will give anyone who might care some insight into my situation. I know I need to put myself out there more, but unstructured social networking eludes me. Maybe this is an autistic quality of needing some kind of structure. That's why I can do dating apps, the process is very clear. If you have any advice or consolation it would mean a lot to me. I really don't want to pursue professional help unless there's 0% chance I'll ever find someone and be happy without it. There also aren't any good psychologists or therapists near me. But I am really struggling and it really sucks that I'm finding myself a lot less able to enjoy the things I did before, or gather up the energy to keep pushing forward on improving myself in areas that take a lot of effort or emotional capital.



txfz1
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12 Jan 2022, 12:05 pm

I can relate to your struggles as most people here can. I don't have the answers but here are the things that helped me.

Hiking and backpacking was a gold mine for me. I joined the local Sierra Club (90's) and learned about backpacking. I still have a group of friends that are with me today. The meetings allowed me to exhibit my photography and socialize with like minded people. The backpacking trips allowed me to travel to places most people never will see. There are day hiking groups that just go for the day outings and strenuous groups doing ten to fifteen miles a day.

Learning to dance was another gold mine. Country and western, jitterbug, waltz, polka, anything that required holding and guiding your partner. I took a class and after class they had a practice floor for people to learn. There was also a group that met at a bar on a slow late afternoon and basically had the place to themselves. It was trip to have an hottie ask you to dance and within seconds you are holding them! Side benefit is the exercise gained.

Exercise is one of the best benefits. My sports were league team volleyball (coed), walking, bicycling, and motorcycling racing. Don't recommend the last but find a class to learn with other people.

I also shot pool, 8ball and snooker. I found a friend that was interested and we would regularly meet one night a week to play. Maybe join a league.

Since you built a tiny house, maybe volunteer at habit for humanity that helps repair housing for the poor.

I never had any success at dating apps, dancing and SC were my best dating sources. My town had a Leisure Learning that put together instructors and classes for just about anything. I would get a copy and just study what I wanted to learn next to see if there was a fit for me.

Best of luck to you. My last piece of advice, learn to breath. Once I figured out I was holding my breath when anxiety struck it helped tremendously to just take a deep breath. If you are yawning when exercising, it's your body telling you to breath. Take a deep breath before risking a reach out, etc.



Mona Pereth
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13 Jan 2022, 4:13 pm

Most dating apps have a very high male-to-female ratio, and are thus a very difficult place for heterosexual men to find potential partners.

I would suggest looking on Meetup.com for local groups of people who share your hobbies/interests. I would also suggest looking around, both on Meetup.com and via Google, for local autistic adult support groups.

To open the possibility of making friends here on Wrong Planet, I would suggest:

1) Edit your profile to include your location. Don't be specific enough to endanger your privacy, but do at least mention what state you live in (Colorado?).

2) Also in your profile, add a signature line that mentions your interests/hobbies.


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Makr
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15 Jan 2022, 2:10 pm

txfz1 wrote:
I can relate to your struggles as most people here can. I don't have the answers but here are the things that helped me.

Hiking and backpacking was a gold mine for me. I joined the local Sierra Club (90's) and learned about backpacking. I still have a group of friends that are with me today. The meetings allowed me to exhibit my photography and socialize with like minded people. The backpacking trips allowed me to travel to places most people never will see. There are day hiking groups that just go for the day outings and strenuous groups doing ten to fifteen miles a day.

Learning to dance was another gold mine. Country and western, jitterbug, waltz, polka, anything that required holding and guiding your partner. I took a class and after class they had a practice floor for people to learn. There was also a group that met at a bar on a slow late afternoon and basically had the place to themselves. It was trip to have an hottie ask you to dance and within seconds you are holding them! Side benefit is the exercise gained.

Exercise is one of the best benefits. My sports were league team volleyball (coed), walking, bicycling, and motorcycling racing. Don't recommend the last but find a class to learn with other people.

I also shot pool, 8ball and snooker. I found a friend that was interested and we would regularly meet one night a week to play. Maybe join a league.

Since you built a tiny house, maybe volunteer at habit for humanity that helps repair housing for the poor.

I never had any success at dating apps, dancing and SC were my best dating sources. My town had a Leisure Learning that put together instructors and classes for just about anything. I would get a copy and just study what I wanted to learn next to see if there was a fit for me.

Best of luck to you. My last piece of advice, learn to breath. Once I figured out I was holding my breath when anxiety struck it helped tremendously to just take a deep breath. If you are yawning when exercising, it's your body telling you to breath. Take a deep breath before risking a reach out, etc.


Thanks for the advice, it seems like things are slightly different now than in the '90s and before with the way people my age are. Like if I were to volunteer in my area, it's going to be 95% people over 50 doing it, same with basically every community group activities going on. You sound like a pretty cool guy who's willing to get out and try things to meet people. For me, things like dance.. I'm not sure if that would even be remotely possible for me. But the breathing tip is a really good one and I forget that all the time. I feel like people can notice it's a weird thing because it has to do with the fight or flight response, naturally humans would breathe really lightly when they're hiding from a mountain lion or whatever so they wouldn't hear them. So it's almost like in an anxious situation someone noticing me breathing heavily would be horrible even though I really need to in order to stay calm.



Makr
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15 Jan 2022, 2:21 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Most dating apps have a very high male-to-female ratio, and are thus a very difficult place for heterosexual men to find potential partners.

I would suggest looking on Meetup.com for local groups of people who share your hobbies/interests. I would also suggest looking around, both on Meetup.com and via Google, for local autistic adult support groups.

To open the possibility of making friends here on Wrong Planet, I would suggest:

1) Edit your profile to include your location. Don't be specific enough to endanger your privacy, but do at least mention what state you live in (Colorado?).

2) Also in your profile, add a signature line that mentions your interests/hobbies.


I agree about the dating apps, the women get lots of attention from many men and tend to chase after the most desirable ones. I already knew that before I signed up. That's literally an extension of the world in general though for the most part, women evolved as the genetic gatekeeper. The success of our species depended on their willingness to reject the vast majority of men in favor of the elite status ones, so fairly tragic situation but from a systems perspective it's understandable.

It would be nice if there were groups or anything like that within a hundred mile radius of me. Trust me I've scoured for hours looking on meetups and any other friends apps or groups I could find. People don't do that here, I'm in Arkansas. I thought about trying to do a meetup during my travels but I feel insecure about the fact that I'm living in a van out there.



txfz1
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15 Jan 2022, 4:06 pm

I understand the difference in resources between rural and big cities is a huge factor for you. I also wasn't aware of my elevated anxiety and thought everyone just lived with the stress levels. The exercise was mostly coping with work. The irony in my apsie is I have very low empathy for both cognitive and affective, I gave up caring about the individual but feel the anxiety when I get a negative response from someone.



Muse933277
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15 Jan 2022, 10:38 pm

Online dating can be EXTREMELY tough for men. You may get 30 matches, 15 of them message you back, and you only go on a date with 1 of them. And of that 1 girl, there's a pretty good chance that it won't turn into anything more.


My only advice for men on dating apps is to not get too emotionally attached to women too quickly because the chances of you actually dating/sleeping with her are very very low.



Makr
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16 Jan 2022, 12:16 am

Muse933277 wrote:
Online dating can be EXTREMELY tough for men. You may get 30 matches, 15 of them message you back, and you only go on a date with 1 of them. And of that 1 girl, there's a pretty good chance that it won't turn into anything more.


My only advice for men on dating apps is to not get too emotionally attached to women too quickly because the chances of you actually dating/sleeping with her are very very low.


Is that really much different from any pick-up though? People who go out and hit on girls in bars, generally maybe they'll talk to 30, 10-15 will give their number if you're good and maybe a couple dates which likely won't lead to anything unless you are the type of guy who will get a girl home with them that night half-drunk.

Most people have a friend group and in that case if there's a good number of girls around you might end up dating one of them. Or a co-worker. So if you're a nobody, apps are one of your only hopes unless you don't mind spending a couple years developing a friend group. Or take a job and spend a few months or a year getting acquainted with co-workers that maybe you could date. I thought about working for Papa John's because some cute girls work there but I don't want to and don't need the money, how pathetic I would feel if I took a job like that and torture myself for a 1% chance that someone might wanna date me. I shouldn't have let it go this far, because I'm 27 now and I just want a nice girl to travel and enjoy life with and maybe have a kid one day. Most people going into their 30s barely have time for friends at all and maybe have a couple of close ones if that, because they're busy with their work/career, kids and wife. That's all I really want at this point.



Muse933277
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16 Jan 2022, 6:34 pm

It's just a fact that some people have it easier when it comes to dating. Some people have advantages that give them an edge in the dating market whether that's being pretty attractive, being very wealthy, or having a very witty/charismatic personality that simply draws people to them. For the romantically privileged, finding romantic/sexual partners is fairly easy and many of them (not all of them) simply don't know any better because they've always been at the top of the dating hierarchy.

The vast majority of people have dating on normal level difficulty. Dating isn't easy and they'll have to put in some work and effort to be successful, but it's achievable without being extremely difficult.

And finally, you have people at the bottom who have dating harder than the average person. Most people in the bottom category have a series of negative flaws which greatly affects their dating prospects.



WantToHaveALife
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18 Jan 2022, 10:04 pm

Makr wrote:
I've been almost completely alone for over 6 years now, basically no friends and I've only been on one date which was a few months ago. I'm not diagnosed with autism but I'm starting to realize that I may have it, along with social anxiety and tourettes. I was homeschooled as a kid until I turned 16, so wasn't really observed for psychological abnormalities. Basically when I was 12, I began spending all my time online, text chatting with people as my only source of socialization outside of my family and church to some extent. When I turned 16, I went to public school and I was a selective mute, and very rarely spoke. I was functional in class and would read when it was my turn and things like that with no problem (though nervous). But absolutely would not initiate interaction with anyone else. I'm still very much like that. Nonetheless those who tried to befriend me were very nice to me. One girl messaged me on FB and we talked, I hung out with her and her friends. I was obviously very quiet but I was friendly and relatively socially intelligent (I think). Anyway, things progressed and we dated for over 3 years. We spent almost all of our time together and it was mostly great, but it ended mutually due to obvious tensions from so much time together (we were our only friends basically). She's very possibly autistic too, not sure.

So after the breakup, it really hurt me but I was focused on programming and whatnot. Since then I've worked all kinds of jobs, even worked door-to-door enumeration for the Census. I find that I do okay in regimented social situations like that, I have a mission to collect demographics. I was very awkward, but cordial, professional and effective. They even flew me out of state for more work so I must have been fairly good. Anyway, since the breakup I have been busy doing things I find interesting and improving my life. I built a campervan and I usually go travel around Colorado for months on end to hike and enjoy the nature every summer. I built my own tiny house with my dad and paid it off DoorDashing, and personally I think it's a badass house. So I've been doing fairly in that respect but like I said, no friends through any of this, not even anyone online that I've messaged for longer than a few months.

I never got desperately lonely through these passed 6 years up until recently. I do look back and realize that I was mildly depressed through it, and the adventures I had and all the amazing places I went always felt a bit bittersweet. Things kind of changed a few months ago for a couple of reasons. I had been brushing off the idea of signing up for online dating or trying to date at all. I was living with my parents when I wasn't traveling up until 2 years ago, and the social environment at home was a little odd, my parents never have anyone over and rarely go out. They're probably on the spectrum too, they don't really have social anxiety but they're not neurotypical. Anyway, didn't want to date until I was on my own and had my life together, because those things caused issues in my first relationship and I felt very bad for not being a provider for her. But now I'm positioned fairly well, I have a nice house paid off, nice vehicle, no debt, I keep everything neat and tidy, I'm clean, I feel mature and well-tempered, I make pretty good money, I have interesting hobbies like learning a language, day trading, hiking, traveling, etc.

So a few months ago it just started hitting me that my 30s are creeping up, and the perfect moment to start dating will never come but there's definitely no excuse not to try now. Signed up for tinder and bumble, watched about 100 videos on how to have success on there and had pretty good prospects about it. I'm not an ugly guy, I am skinny but I had my pictures rated on photofeeler and got around 6-7/10 ratings. I swipe right any girl who isn't considerably heavier than me. After about a month of this I did get a match with a beautiful/interesting girl, and I sent a thoughtful message. We kept talking and I asked her out, she said yes. This portion wasn't extremely hard but was uncomfortable, kind of like a game considering all the strategy videos I watched about it. We went out and I picked something kind of lame to do, we played pool and went out to eat. It went surprisingly well considering I had never been on a date in 9 years since I started dating my first girlfriend. She said on the date she wanted to go out again. We set up a day and then out of the blue she probably found someone more cool and charismatic because she texted that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. This hit me a lot harder than it should have, but she was so damn wonderful and when she gave me a hug at the end of the date it melted my fragile heart. I felt incredibly happy after it.

Shortly before this, my first girlfriend actually messaged me on FB out of the blue. We hadn't talked since a week after the breakup, so it was very strange. Anyway, we had been talking for about a month and then I asked if she would want to hang out and be friends. She has a kid and boyfriend so I didn't want to mess with that, but wanted to see her. I wasn't over her though, I still had dreams with her in them where we were still together. It wasn't pleasant to wake up and feel ashamed and depressed from that, and it's not healthy at all, normal people date new people and are able to mentally move on. So we hung out and I was comfortable talking to her very quickly, it felt really refreshing. I realized that I hadn't been myself in someone else's company since we broke up, it's like my personality died when we broke up. It started to hit me how screwed up this was, and how happy I am when I'm able to be myself and connect with someone. So much time I could have spent enjoying life with others. We hung out regularly up until last month. It was nice, and the dreams of her I think have stopped. I feel some closure. But she randomly dropped contact with me a couple weeks ago, probably personal issues or was making her boyfriend uncomfortable, not sure. I wish I knew everything was okay but I have messaged her a couple times and don't feel right doing it again.

So that's kind of where I am. No success at all on dating apps since that date, not even a message convo that lasted more than 2 messages. All of the sudden the severity of my isolation has been made clear to me, I can't simply continue living the way I was living and be happy. I'm starting to sink into depression. I feel like dating apps are one of my only options. I can function socially doing work like DoorDash because all interactions are regimented and professional. Restaurant workers for example very rarely attempt to engage in any extra conversation and when they do, I'm friendly and I try but I fall flat. A lot of it is the anxiety, also my mind goes fuzzy when under pressure like that. I'll walk away and instantly think of things I could have said. I still can't initiate interaction with anyone for the purposes of socializing, and I live in a small town so it's not like there are clubs or anything for interests or any kind of structured activities/groups that I can try to join. I need some kind of structure to be able to function at all, also my personality/demeanor is pretty structured and I'm not very funny or charismatic. I feel like I am a cool person, and someone out there would be able to get along and enjoy my company, but the beginnings of getting to know someone are so tedious and mentally draining to me.

Things are feeling bleak and tinder is shredding the rest of my self-confidence. I feel myself turning slightly resentful at the world which is upsetting, because deep down I love the world, I love people and I love being alive. I want to be happy and make people happy. But the more I feel rejected by everyone mainly because of my own inability to put myself out there, the more depressed and desperate I feel. Depression and desperation are probably one of the worst two qualities women would look for in a person. When I signed up for tinder, I had a go-getter, upbeat attitude about starting to date. That is fading and now I'm really starting to get hurt. Lately I'm going down pathetic mental spirals of feeling bad for myself when I realize how little affection I've gotten for so many years. My first girlfriend didn't really give me much affection after the first year or so of dating. And other than that hung I got a few months ago, I haven't been touched at all in 6 years. It's ridiculous how much those small things mean to me, and how healing a tiny amount of physical contact can be. It hurts so bad when you want to get closer with someone and they ghost you or break things off, and I'm never going to be annoying and try to get someone to keep interacting with me once I get the feeling they're losing interest.

If you read all of this, I very much appreciate it. This is how my posts online end up, sorry. I feel like most of it is relevant, hopefully the detail will give anyone who might care some insight into my situation. I know I need to put myself out there more, but unstructured social networking eludes me. Maybe this is an autistic quality of needing some kind of structure. That's why I can do dating apps, the process is very clear. If you have any advice or consolation it would mean a lot to me. I really don't want to pursue professional help unless there's 0% chance I'll ever find someone and be happy without it. There also aren't any good psychologists or therapists near me. But I am really struggling and it really sucks that I'm finding myself a lot less able to enjoy the things I did before, or gather up the energy to keep pushing forward on improving myself in areas that take a lot of effort or emotional capital.


i envy that you got to have a relationship in your early 20s



Minervx_2
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21 Jan 2022, 2:10 pm

If you're not having success on dating apps, you need to change up your bios and especially the photos.

Make sure the lighting is balanced. Have eye contact to the photo. Pics should be clear - not blurry. Don't have pics with obstructions on your face (i.e. mask, hat, sunglasses). Take pics outdoors or at interesting places - not just in your house or backyard. Have at least 1 accurate full body pic. Have a natural smile. And keep changing your 1st pic till you find 1 that gives you traction.