Of course.

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Starting to miss that little man. Tomorrow marks 1 full month since I've heard from him.

No, it's highly unlikely there's someone else. It's something else - drugs. He's gone through like 6-8 phone numbers in 4-5 months and goes weeks and weeks at a time without a phone. Even without a cell, it still kinda sucks not to get a call from a landline somewhere - I know of a phone or two he'll use. We did have some discussions about longer term plans and where we see things potentially heading, and afaik none of that has changed. He's just in a drug induced time warp.

Last we chatted he was on a sliiiightly better path having not smoked cigarettes for a handful of days (which he said was because of me) and had saved a bit of money. My best guess is that after those couple steps forward he took 3-5 back and he's been spun and/or nodded off for most of the last month vs. went to detox and got into treatment.

He knows I'm okay with not be able to see each other or hookup at all for the months he'll be in detox.. but I wasn't exactly anticipating zero communication at all right now.

When I do hear from him my plan is not to b***h and nag, as I know that'll just push him away. I'll leave the majority of that to his worrisome mom to do. Instead I'll just tell him that when I agreed to take things slow I didn't know this was what he meant.. Gotta find some humour in it all or it'd drive me nuts.


1:30 or so in the afternoon now. Cloud and rain tmw but another week of sunshine after that. Nice out rn, so I think I should make a move to head to the beach - definitely a happier place. I think I'll quickly pack a bag with some clothes to donate to the Overdose Prevention Society in the DTES on my way out from the beach this eve - then I'll leave at Sunset in order to drop things off before they close at 9. I'll likely do this another couple times in the next week as I clear my closet and dresser of clothes I'll never wear again - may as well get worn by someone, even if just for a few days and then thrown out vs. laundered. There are a lot of lost and tormented souls in that neighbourhood - and even something like clean dry socks can make a difference to someone's life there. It's truly the ghetto of all ghettos in all of Canada, imo. Plus, I'm not gonna lie, it gives me an excuse to go to the epicentre of that 'hole and maaaaaybe have a small chance of spotting this one hanging out on the block.

Donated some clothes to the Overdose Prevention Society right in the epicentre of the DTES and one of the staff said he sees him around almost daily and last saw him yesterday.

That’s good news at least.

Ofc I texted and let his mom know and she was happy to hear it.


Cloudy tmw, maybe rain.. but then another week of sunshine. I kinda wonder if the long stretch of good weather might contribute to him staying high longer since it isn’t cold and wet overnight.. like maybe once the weather turns he’ll be like F this soggy cold livin’ and be able to commit to detox/treatment easier just to avoid the rain ? I dunno; not part of my world sooo can only guess.

Heard from him earlier this evening. He sounded pretty good. Made plans to meet up tmw afternoon - go to the beach, grab dinner later. We'll see if he follows through. Ofc I let his mom know I heard from him and he's okay.

He said he’d be there. I asked him to phone me and confirm because he has a habit of either being very late or not showing up. Wasn’t here, no phone call, hasn’t shown up and I’ve waited way longer than any sane person would. Phoned and left a message where he called from, had myself a snack, now heading to the beach solo for the evening.

Disappointed but not entirely surprised. I guess I’ll hear from him when I hear from him.

Maybe next time I’ll tell him to come to me and we can hangout/go out. Getting tired of being in the right place at the right time and being stood up/he chose to go get high as a kite instead somewhere. Long overdue time to flip the script and tell him where I’ll be if he wants to meet up.

He showed up at his parents place a hot mess and in a bad mood. They didn’t let him stay.

He called a buddy of his while he was there hoping to hangout/crash at his place - but he’s working in Alaska. He messaged me to tell me about the call.

Irritating not knowing what his deal is, if he’s wanting to explore a relationship together or he’s not - agree not to sleep with other ppl then don’t talk to me ?

Not sure if it’s second thoughts about any of that or just being fd up on drugs. Or both. Can’t know until he decides he’s ready to communicate. Annoying to say the least.

I've been there (in my younger days). When someone's that much of an unreliable mess, the only way to maintain a relationship is to keep it very loose. Don't expect promises to be kept. In fact, better not ask for promises at all.

Ya I get that this (and he) is a hot mess.

Momentarily heartbreaking to be ghosted, but I know it’s the drugs. After chatting with his friend and others, I’m confident he no showed because he didn’t wanna be pushed to be better, to detox, to explain his last 5 weeks etc as he’s currently in “F you mom and dad I’m not going to detox!” mode. Give it another couple weeks and he’ll regret being an as*hole and will probably make another attempt at detox and treatment on his own again. No one can make him do it, but he’ll be ready to try again soon enough.

As for schedule commitments, yeah, I’m a slow learner lol I really need to just tell him to call me an hour before he’s ready to meet up and I’ll come hang. No future making plans for now because they almost never happen.

And as for the monogamy request - it wasn’t mine; it was his. And I know his body count and the fact that he doesn’t quickly hookup with ppl nor do sex work so the probability of him having sex with some chick is very low, especially since he’s too high of a hot mess to reliably pursue some woman rn anyways. Do even if he wanted to break that promise he’d have a hard time doing it. He’s very fortunate that I’m very patient and willing to put up with his BS for now and wait until he’s having a moment of clarity so we can have adult conversations about everything. IF there’s relationship potential, I’m not going to be the one to give up on it. Besides, there’s literally no one else I want to explore a relationship with - only people I’d hookup with (some very Very hot options that have come my way recently..) and I’ve hooked up with plenty of people in my life to date sooo it’s not That Big of deal to forgo hookups for now if it’s to give him the time and space he needs to work on sobriety and then move forward. When we’re together, not just sexually but personality/friendship wise we have an amazing connection and that’s not something I can just ignore and say “F this, I’m out and moving on.” I don’t quit. He would have to make it clear he’s changed his mind and is uninterested in exploring a relationship with me.. and it would hurt, but if he were honest and sincere, I’d have no choice but to accept that and carry on with life and get back to hooking up with all the hot gay boys that want to. But for now I’ll wait - while keeping busy so I’m not Just waiting and driving myself nuts in the process lol. Work, workouts, running, reading, todo list stuff etc.

But I do appreciate your input & insight.

I empathize. I've been in your shoes before.

Maybe if you told him something like, "it seems you're not ready for a relationship right now. After you've completed detox, hit me up and we'll revisit the subject then."

If he values you, that may give him a good push in the right direction.

I know that's a hard thing to follow through on though. Like I said, I've been there

I hear ya, but none of this feeling stuff makes logical sense. I don't wanna give any kinda quitting/giving up on him kinda vibes - I'm not the kind of person to quit or give up on anything. I'm very, very patient - even when I shouldn't be. I don't want to kick him when he's down kind of thing, rather just be here for him when he reaches out and help him move forward when he's ready.

This past weekend he was definitely not in the mood to be receptive to messages of personal change/growth/sobriety - which is why he ghosted me after making plans.. because he knows those are the sorts of conversations we'd have. He'll get in touch when this part of the cycle has passed and he's in the frame of mind to go to detox/treatment, or at least be in communication with myself and his family that he knows he's going to get those sorts of messages from.

I know deep down he's not happy being in full blown addiction mode and Wants to get clean again, he's said so. The stars just have to align for him to be in the mindset to have had enough of this crap and then make another attempt at getting clean again. Rinse and repeat until it sticks and he has Years clean again like he did before covid struck and like so many others.. idle hands & free money = back to drugs.

He may momentarily frustrated me with his actions, but I think longer term than that. I have a concert ticket for him in December if it's able to go, and already bought his Christmas present while I was in Alaska in August. No, a couple material purchases aren't the only thing keeping me willing to wait on his crap.. it's Him, who he really is deep down, how I feel about him and when we're together etc. It defies logic, but it is what it is and I'm choosing to be patient.

Even IF we don't end up together, we both know we'll be life long friends - so none of this is for nothing.

May I ask, why?

Cliffs:

First time in my life that I've felt so intensely about someone and had it somewhat/mostly reciprocated. 100% of my other intense crushes were not interested in me. Others who were interested in me, I wasn't interested in. And even though our fwb/relationship dynamic is very 'different,' territory for both of us, if it's meant to be and works out.. I'm all for it.

Sure, there are other ppl I'd like to F, but there isn't another human I'd consider a relationship with, so, for this exceedingly rare possibility, I'll be patient and put up with the cycles of bs while he works towards sobriety. If it's meant to be, I don't want to throw away the future for being impatient with a temporary habit that I Know he's kicked before and he knows he wants to again.

As strange as it all is, because He's worth it. The time, energy, patience etc - he's a beautiful person inside & out and the connection we have when we're together is Next Level - and not just sexually.

And also because I'm an idiot.

Saw an article that several people got stabbed last night at crab park.

Then just read this:

“ Crossbow attack today, Update from VPD...

Vancouver Police

@VancouverPD

1h

"Update: The victim was shot in the chest and is being treated at hospital. At this point, we believe the victim was targeted. Our investigation is centred around the encampment at Carrall and Hastings."”

And one of the comments said that everyone inside Funky’s (Funky Winker Beans; a bar I’ve never been to) got bear sprayed last night.

There’s also been a string of arsons, other violence, and there’s likely one or two serial killers active in the area in addition to the overdose crisis.



Anyways, when I see updates like the quote above on the area fb page.. I worry a bit and wish he’d have the motivation to make his next attempt to gtfo of that life and neighbourhood asap for good.


I phoned and left a msg for him where he stays/sometimes stays and invited him to the potluck at the beach tmw. Even if he doesn’t call me back or come, even if he gets the message too late to come, I still want him to know I’m not going to stay annoyed at him forever and I do want him to call.

Love drives us to be so blind and do things we know logically are not in our best interests.

I wish I knew the secret formula to help someone in my life to see the light and get away from an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately I also realize we can never light the path for another, they have to find their own way out.

Meh, so far I'm not doing an awful lot that's not in my own best interest. Sure, there's some stress and no communication/contact and a period of celibacy, but it's not as if I'm choosing this over some other better potential relationship option. Some may say that Any other relationship option with a more sober person might be better, but fact is that there isn't any other prospective relationship in my life - there isn't someone I've clicked with that I'm brushing off and missing an opportunity with. Only potential sex partners, which could be hot, but they're a dime a dozen. IF this is meant to be and work out in whatever way it does, then it's worth being patient and waiting for while he goes through this personal hell of addiction/detox/treatment.

As for the latter.. yeah, me too. Me too. All I/his family can do is wait patiently and be supportive when he reaches out.

Just letting you know I am reading (again, after the storm) and wishing you and him the best. Addiction is a terrorizing task master.

No phone call re: todays potluck dinner at the beach. I just arrived - about to go add to the feast.

I didn’t fully expect him to call, I was mostly using it as a reason to leave a message & let him know I’m not mad and do wanna hear from him.. and that I realize that forgiving easily and moving forward quickly is going to be required during this time of his.