Of course.

Post Reply New Topic

Bought a few things to put together a little gift. Practical copper soles socks I know he’ll appreciate, snacks/candy he likes. Boxes of chocolate bars for the other ~50 ppl there.

Picked up a blank card to write in - better than the other one I selected that might be annoying with the wording in it. Drafted some notes of what I plan to write. Might run a full draft by his friend to make sure I haven’t written anything stupid.

Will deliver Sunday eve so there’s chocolate bars for Halloween day. Maybe he’ll call me, maybe not, but he’ll know I care and that’s the point.

That sounds like a lovely gesture. All of the recipients will appreciate the treat for sure. I’ve dropped off home baked treats and store bought treats because I tend to think the staff is probably only able to provide very basic necessities.

That’s great that you were able to at least visually confirm your friend is ok.
That’s something.

Yeah - I feel for those young people. If it weren’t for friends and family I’d have been homeless a decade or so ago. I’ve since done a fundraiser for a youth homeless shelter in Vancouver. This is a different one, though.

Yep, knowing he’s alive is something.

I’m ~a dozen pages or so away from finishing reading a really amazing book about addictions. (Not just substances, thoughts and behaviours etc too) Learned a lot of valuable things that should be helpful to me and my life out of it. Also learning a lot about how the substance abusers brain operates.. it explains a whole lot about his behaviours and helps me understand & accept them vs be upset or frustrated by them.

I’d finish reading it now but I’m yawning and need sleep. I’ll read it tmw. Then there’s a Provincial website I’m gonna check out that I’ve heard advertised on the radio for advice on communicating with addicts. Might learn something there about words/phrases to use or avoid, which could make what I write more effective. I do have a few days to draft and craft and bit of a letter, so I have time to try to get it right - or best I can, anyways.. as done is better than striving for perfect and not writing it on time.

Sigh.

Driving myself nuts thinking about him, what he thinks/feels about our friendship, not knowing with any degree of certainty if he's still interested in me and it really truly just is his addictions making time disappear like magic for a while. I mean, from our conversations in August and then his behaviour since, that's Likely the case vs. there being someone else or him changing his mind completely. I just don't Know so it's tearing me up inside wondering. I'm obviously going to try not to stress and obsess too much over what I can't change or affect.

Also been scribbling some draft notes for my card(s)' letter. I feel kind of 'stuck,' on this task, like I need to draft it up.. maybe even edit and finalize it before I can stick it in an envelope and shelve it until delivery on Sunday evening. So, I'm kinda working on that while sipping a glass of wine, hoping I can come up with something I'm happy enough with to put in ink and call finished. I think that once I complete this I'll remove a bit of a mental block and be able to productively move forward with other tasks, chores, work, goals etc.

Annnnd of course it sucks he hasn't called. I don't expect he will, but I still wish he would. Drives me nuts. But I don't think he's doing it on purpose At All. I think he's in a state where he's ashamed and doesn't want to talk to people so he's isolating to himself.. rinse and repeat daily and then all of the sudden a lot of time has passed. In part of my letter I'm going to disclose how long it's been since I've seen my friend and his family due to my own shame, so, while different, I can relate and 'get it,' if that's the case for him right now -> shame and social anxiety. I just want him to know that despite all of that I still care and my phone is on 24/7 for whenever he wants to call/meet up and carry on where we left off.

You seem to be a good person and a great friend. In my opinion, the only mistake you're making is the "driving myself nuts" part. While I realize that's something you probably think you can't control this, mental detachment can be learned and practiced. (But I don't say it's easy.) It's possible to be detached and sympathetic.

Yes, that's a big one.

Yes, I know we can control our thoughts and reactions to them.. and that it's difficult and takes practice.

I also know that if I work through some things, like drafting this letter and chatting about it with a friend on messenger rn, that I'll be able to clear my mind of these things easier.. the good ol' 'Get it off your mind and onto paper,' approach.

Also, while I Have managed to accomplish some things lately I Haven't been all that productive. I really need to keep my hands busier physically accomplishing things, whether cleaning and organizing, sorting and sharpening tools, cleaning my car, donating more clothes and goods to clear space, selling crap I don't need, calling up a contractor friend or two and going and doing more work, maybe seeking a contract or two of my own to do that'd be more lucrative etc.. idle hands = create the opportunity for my brain to be distracted by this whole situation whereas if I keep myself busier working and getting tired rinse & repeat I'll be healthier and wealthier for it vs. sitting around driving myself nuts with I dunnos, guesses, assumptions, what ifs etc.

I'm hoping to come across as caring and persistent, but not excessively worrying or neurotic. I think about him and this whole situation morning noon and night daily, but I only call about once a week and leave another message hoping that maybe he'll be in the mood to return a call and chat, maybe meet up for a walk/talk/dinner or whatever he's in the mood for or needs or can handle in the moment.

Glad I made drafts and chatted with a friend about them as well as briefly with one of his friends.

His friend reminded me he’s not going to be in a state where he’ll read much or absorb much info, so, less is more. No walls of text or it’s all tldr. I’ve thought of some ways to be significantly more concise. I think I can deliver the same message in ~20% the text of my draft, maybe less, especially if I omit non-critical things.

Good thought - about the amount of text. Keep it simple.

I also tend to write too much, so am familiar with that battle.

I think, for me, the kind of obsessing thought process you describe, is a way for me to stay close to the absent person. It’s artificial thought, in a way, and for me, not particularly healthy. But definitely compelling.

What book are you reading about addictions? Sounds interesting.

Totally agree on letter brevity at this point. Perhaps a physical note will carry more weight/meaning than a text or voicemail.

We know it’s impossible to draw someone away from their addiction of choice but hopefully at some level his concept of his own self worth is buoyed by outside support.

Hope your productiveness fills you with contentment.

Ya, hoping a physical note and a handful of small gifts makes a better impact than a message left at the front desk once every week or so. Time will tell. No texts - he's burned through like 7 phone numbers/phones over the last handful of months and hasn't had a cell for a couple months. In that neighbourhood, everyone's phones get stolen over and over and over the moment you're not looking or fall asleep. If he had a cell and we could text that'd be a different story entirely as he tends to keep in touch via text.

Been doing some physical work and yeah it's been good for me, physically and mentally.

Took my 2 solid full pages of wall o' text notes and condensed it into 9 short sentences on both sides of a card with a reasonable amount of blank space so shouldn't be tldr.

Picked about a dozen words and short phrases/symbols to doodle in a second (same) card that I'd bought just in case I messed up the first one. Doodling now.

Then gonna have dinner shower up and drive downtown later this eve to deliver gifts/cards and 72 chocolate bars for the 50ish residents for Halloween.

Much more personal than another phone message. Maybe he'll call me. Maybe not ? But I'll deliver these in lieu of a weekly phone message this weekend, and if no call, I'll wait another about a week and leave another message.

He phoned me just before I was about to take a shower and head out to deliver cards/gifts. Agreed to meet up and talk. We did. Lots of really good conversation, catching up, discussing whether we wanna explore a relationship together (we do), drama stories & some drug induced nonsense (literally) I had to listen to and refute.. talked about long term goals, detox/treatment, possible places to stay, future work to do. Then we went for a late night bite and back to my place so he can take a hot shower and get some sleep. We'll see what tomorrow brings as he doesn't really have a plan, just places he doesn't want to be right now.

Yes, I know it likely seems strange af that I'm falling in love with a homeless drug addict.. but it's 1000% the person, not his habits that I don't particularly like. But still.. it is strange. Of all the people to fall for.

Oh, and the gifts/cards were well received. Said he's really sentimental and plans to keep the cards, especially the one I doodled some stuff in vs. just wrote text. I didn't end up going to the place he's been staying at but might still do that tmw and deliver chocolate bars for the whole house.

The saga continues... at least I know he's alive and well and perfectly safe for the moment. Time will tell if tomorrow or the next day he makes any concrete moves towards going to detox or if he goes back the other direction still. Can lead a horse to water but ya can't make 'im drink. Just gotta be there with water when he's ready I guess.

I brought the topic up, but he made the decision he's ready to try to detox and go to treatment again. He did use my phone to text a detox place for availability as he doesn't want to use his mother's or brother's contact info because he doesn't want to talk to them right now. He said he'd call me every day or two to check in on the status of the detox availability should I hear back.. I heard back from the detox place, now to wait to hear from him. He also left a load of laundry to be cleaned, so another "leave behind," reason to get in touch with me again soon I hope. Although, it's not difficult to obtain more clothing. Fingers crossed hoping I hear from him again very soon checking in to see when he's able to go to detox, and then if the stars align I'll pick him up and take him there myself.

Ongoing.

We’ve agreed we want to date each other and not sleep with other people - that’s a big step.

He’s still a hot mess of drug addiction, but he did contact a detox centre from my phone a couple days ago and they responded with when a bed is available. Fingers crossed he calls me again this week so I can tell him when detox is available and help make sure he gets there.

After that he should have a few months at a treatment centre. Hopefully this time it sticks and he gets back to clean sober living, work, housing stability etc.

Time will tell if and how things work out. And right now with the drugs he’s using he has ~no time perception.. which is part of how he’s been out of contact with ppl for weeks at a time.

*sigh*

No phone call(s) even though he said he'd check in every day or two to see if there's a message from the detox place.

Texted with his mom. We both contacted a few places in the area he's spent the last couple weeks and one of them is likely to see him again soon, maybe even daily if he's around there, and said they'd relay the message.

Today is the nicest weather of the next week. I really should go ride my motorcycle around on my travels today.. but instead I'll take my car and go cruise around a couple different neighbourhoods where he might be in hopes of finding a needle in a haystack and seeing if he's willing to come stay with me and go to the available detox bed on Monday. Even though it's not that likely I'll find him, given the scheduled detox bed.. I'm still gonna try just in case. Then if I don't find him and he doesn't call me in time, I'll just have to wait for the next phone call then re-contact the detox place and see what their availability is and try again if he's ready.

Definitely one of the biggest challenges dealing with an addict, as well as for them.. the lack of availability of beds in detox centres and then an even bigger lack of capacity in treatment centres afterwards. If there were open spots available in each there would be a SIGNIFICANTLY higher success rate of people getting clean and sober, because the moment they make the decision to detox/go to treatment they're ready.. but delay and they may change their mind.. or have a lag time between detox and treatment and they relapse. :/ Rinse & repeat and the problem perpetuates. It's even more difficult today than ever given that the drugs are MANY times stronger today than they were 10-20 years ago, making it extremely difficult for people to kick their habits. It's possible, but it takes a MONUMENTAL effort, discipline, commitment etc from the addict to help themselves compared to any other time in the history of recreational drug addicts.

But still, I'll do what I can and hope for the best.

*sigh*

No phone call. His mother and I left messages at a few different places he stays at here and there as well as visited a couple. If he goes to any of them he’ll get a phone message.

Somehow I doubt I’m going to hear from him tonight or tmw morning in time to take advantage of the detox spot tmw @noon.

The next time I see him and he decides to contact detox, I’m gonna just keep him with me until they respond with availability.. because this time they could have taken him next day if he was around.

All we can do is wait. I don’t think he’ll continue down this path too much longer.. he has a few things motivating him to change - things he wants to do, events he wants to attend. Also, like he said a few times when we met up.. he’s at his lowest of lows rock bottom and knows he needs to try again because the drugs are causing undesirable side effects he doesn’t like one bit.

Just gotta wait til he gets in touch and is ready. In the meantime I’m not gonna sit around and stress - I have work to do and money to make!