Of course.

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Saw him briefly yesterday. He was doing Okay. Was glad to hear he called a detox centre and left a message awaiting a call back to find out their wait times and said he was going to call up a different treatment centre and see if they had a shorter wait time than the one he's on a wait list for. He hasn't taken All the steps needed to get on the right path, but I'm happy with any forward progress as he's doing it on his on volition w/o anyone nagging him or making him - because he Wants to get clean and sober and back to life.

I'm supposed to meet up with him today after training and spend the day together running errands and doing chores. Hopefully he follows through and we link up. We're a good influence on each other when we hangout tbh - me on his path to sobriety and stability, and he just makes me feel good. Smile, voice, personality, conversation, jokes - it's just nice to hangout with him and catch up on recent life events and to chat about the future.

I hope the aphorism "love is blind" doesn't apply to your situation.

It's certainly applied to some of my situations of the past.

Obviously, I wish you good luck.

You certainly fought for this.

We didn't end up meeting up to hangout yesterday. :/ He did at least respond to my text to say he wasn't feeling up to hanging out as he had a lot going on/to deal with or something - dunno what he meant exactly and I didn't pry. Could have been tired, or feeling low/paranoid or just anti-social. Whatever, that's life. Told him to lmk if he wants to meet up and hangout sometime before I leave on Friday.

Mostly in the sense that I am not judgemental. The fact that he's a homeless drug addict (for the moment) that needs to go to detox/treatment and get back on track with sober life doesn't deter me from being attracted to him. And I'm not allowing myself to be taken advantage of. (much; maybe a little.) But it's not like that - we've had some very real conversations lately about mutual attraction, potential relationship dynamic, forward thinking future things etc -> as odd a match as we may be there's certainly mutual attraction and there were a few moments in his disclosures and statements that were very much emotional, raw, and real.. not possible to fake to pretend to maybe be into the idea for any sort of manipulation or using me for whatever resources.

But I do appreciate your concern.



Thank you, good sir. I'll continue to be patient and make an effort to do my part to see if we can make this work - I really do think it could be a beautiful thing.. and I wouldn't bother if I wasn't feeling it and didn't think it could be a Long Term thing, either. But I am, and I do, sooo I'll do the best I can and if it's meant to be it's meant to be and will work out.

Chatted a bit by text yesterday, Might meet up tdy or tonight before I'm outta here tmw for 2 weeks. Glad I have the personal trainer that I do and that I can vent a bit about this one and get his advice on how to proceed with communications so that the end result is what I want - he's very good with male/female interactions, and this one is sometimes more female behaving that's for sure.. expected when not injecting testosterone for a while. It's an interesting dynamic that's for sure.

Breakfast, then off for a training session, back home to do laundry and pack etc tdy, kinda Hoping to meet up with this one later this eve for a late dinner or something in town just to see each other/hangout/talk before it's a guaranteed 2 weeks apart. It's not like I haven't gone a few weeks at a time without talking to him, but, now that we're in this phase of a potential relationship and have agreed not to hookup with other ppl, I do wanna see him before I leave if he's down. I guess that'll depend on how he's feeling later tdy really - sometimes he's not up for hanging out and just wants to be alone, which isn't Ideal when I wanna hangout, But, it's understandable and acceptable.

If I see him later today, great, if not, oh well - in a couple weeks then.

We both had other things to do. Texted earlier this eve. We'll see each other when I'm back in a couple weeks - possibly with him as my date to my cousin's wedding the day after I get back. I confirmed I can bring a +1 if he's feeling up to it that day. There's a few duckies that'd have to get in a row if he's gonna join me there, so I won't hold my breath on it.. but he's invited and it'd be nice if he is able to come.

Was in contact every day or so for over a week, then radio silence for the last week. Best guess is another phone number is long gone now.. lol gotta be like 7 or 8 phone numbers in a few months or so. Such is life in that neighbourhood where phones get stolen Constantly.

Invited him to be my date to a wedding today, which he said he wanted to come. Told him to only come if he felt up to it/was sober - which he agreed to/stated the same; wouldn't want to attend.. not sober for obvious reasons. I didn't Really expect him to follow through and actually be sober and attend tbh; I figured it was a bit too high of an expectation for someone that needs to go to detox/treatment, but I extended the invite anyways.

Not out of the ordinary to not hear from him for a few weeks when he loses a phone and doesn't prioritize obtaining another, but mildly annoying not to get a phone call to say "yeaaah, not gonna make that wedding.." - but it's also kind of par for the course on other plans he's ghosted on in the past. Just a bit annoying that this time it was a wedding sooo it'd be nice to hear the "sorry, can't make it." (Which is entirely moot anyways since I'm in covid isolation jail along with half my family as we came back from vacation to the USA with covid colds and can't attend the wedding today anyways.)

Obvi my hope is that he's okay and nothing particularly bad has happened. Of course that's always a worry, but so far he has a perfect track record of staying alive and popping up again in a few weeks.

I picked up a couple books on a friend's reco that helped him deal with his traumas and break his drug addictions. I read the first one already and am 1/3 through the 2nd. Mentioned them to this one's mom in a text convo and she's read them both already. (She's a social worker.) The plan is that I read through 'em to learn about things myself, then pass 'em on to him to read and hopefully they help him deal with his crap. I think they'll help - at least somewhat, anyways, especially the second book as it dives into some interesting details about brain/body reactions to addictions of all kinds. Knowledge is power and all that.

Got a text from his mom yesterday letting me know someone had last seen him September 1st - which is a few days or so more recently than either of us have heard from him, so, I take that as a good sign that he's still alive and well and doing his thing. Probably just distorting time beyond all recognition and doesn't even realize he's been out of touch with people for a week and a half or so is my best guess.

For my own selfish reasons, I want us to have a very looooooong drawn out Summer stretching well into October as we had such a terrible start to Summer weather here. But for his health and well being, I kinda hope it starts pissing rain soon and pisses monsoon rain for months on end.. makes sense to me that when it becomes uncomfortable to be hanging out outside killing time doing nothing & drugs that one might be more inclined to head indoors, maybe try to get into detox/treatment a little harder, maybe find an indoor job to do etc. This is assuming that pleasant weather is in fact extending his current cyclical state some - who knows, maybe it's not so bad being high as a kite in the cold rain if you can't feel it ?

His mom texted today to ask if I'd heard from him. Nope, still radio silence. I told her of course I'll let her know right away if I hear from him.

Naturally I'm a bit worried, but trying not to let it drive me nuts. I assume he's getting high somewhere doing his magic tricks that make time disappear. Hope that eventually he has a lucid moment and decides maybe he should get in touch with his friends and family and let them know he's alive and well.

His mom texted me last evening to let me know he's called and was supposed to come and visit his parents but hadn't shown up yet. Dunno if he did show up for a visit or not, but nice to know he's still alive and all that. Haven't heard from him myself yet. I know he thinks his mom worries too much and nags too much about stuff, so I don't wanna give the impression that I'm doing either.. but obvs it irks me not to hear from him for weeks at a time given the circumstances of his current lifestyle. I'd LIKE to say "Umm.. maybe gimme a call or text once or twice a week just to say hi and touch base so I know you're, you know, alive and stuff.." but I don't want him to roll his eyes and say I'm worrying too much soooo I guess when I hear from him we'll see how the convo goes and whether I say anything like that or not.

She texted again to ask if I'd heard from him.. nope, as he didn't end up showing up to visit. I assured her it's sort of par for the course that he doesn't follow through on plans to do things almost always.. gets distracted or sidetracked by something shiny or time perception distorting substances and then flakes out. Usually if it's not Immediate plans to meet up where he's currently at, chances of him showing up or following through on plans to hangout are pretty low.

I know he doesn't think of himself that way and says he's "not normally like this," but I point out that yeah, ya are.. like this is your norm - make plans, don't call/text, don't show up. That is how you are lol.

Have to just assume he's alive and well just smoking up and burning time somewhere until I hear from him again.

Bought a pair of tix to Merkules on December 9th at The Commodore Ballroom - arguably Vancouver's best concert venue.. huge stage, massive dance floor, capacity of just over 1,000 people - so it's the best place to see a bigger name act up close before they get too big for bars and only do stadiums.

I've never seen him before & he's the only local rapper I have any interest in seeing (not a big rap fan, typically) as he's super talented. (imo - and others, he has sold a lot of albums.)

Obvi I bought the other ticket for this goofball - and I know he's fan/has seen him before. Time will tell if he's able to go and actually show up. (who knows, might be in detox or treatment then - if so the ticket will be easy to sell.)

*shrug* maaaaybe the intention of buying the ticket will be like a flame to attract this moth into communicating again lol time will tell.


A little entertainment for anyone reading this journal entry - my fave Merkules cover:

At least it's not like an airline ticket. You can get someone else to go if this person is not able to go.

Yep - easily.

He says he's 'not like that,' (normally) in terms of being unreliable.. but I've pointed out that he's exactly like that because time and time again he squirrels away on some side quest instead of meeting up when and where we agreed to/skips events entirely w/ no communication whatsoever. I've come to accept this is just the way he is until he gets clean and sober. This way I don't get too upset or disappointed.

If he's around and shows up, cool - we'll go to the show together. If's he's not for any reason, good or bad, whatever - it'll be super easy to sell the other ticket.

Obvi I'd prefer he came to the show, though! I Know he's a fan - I even bought him a Merkules hoodie he wanted that's coincidentally trans flag colours pink/blue logo on black. Which I have in my room so it doesn't get lost/stolen - once he has the stability of sobriety and a place to live he'll take that and a few other things stashed there for safe keeping.

When was the last time you heard from him?

August 28th.

But I know his mom heard from him a few days back - he didn't show up for a visit, but she talked to him so we know he's alive.

He doesn't seem to think he's going to die doing the things he does.. but almost none of the 6 people/day who die from drug overdoses in BC planned on it.

My guess is he's been doing time distorting drugs that make days & nights blur together and disappear like magic. I bet if he called me rn and I asked him how long he thought it'd been since we last texted/talked he'd say I dunno a week or two ??

We all know he needs to detox & go to treatment. If only facilities were available the moments he's been wanting and willing to go. Eventually he'll go and it'll stick. Until then we just have to.. deal with all of this as best we can and not push him away. I'll let his mom nag and he can complain to me that she nags. I'll be as supportive as I can without lecturing or nagging as that's not really going to motivate him to make the right choices and I know it. Better to just listen, help where I can/be supportive vs. give him s**t and drive him away when it's better if he's in closer communication and receptive to good advice.