Breaking up with my perfect partner due to his daughter

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Hi Everyone,

I am normally too shy to post, but wanted to share a big struggle in my life right now. I am sure family dynamic problems are very common here, so even if posting doesn't help me, it may help somebody else.

Basically I met my perfect guy, all was going well and we moved in together. We have both been diagnosed with ASD in last year. His daughter is 9 and adorable. I always got on fabulously with her up until recently. We are so alike that I seem to have a natural connection with her. She said herself that 'life is good' when we were all living together. However, in recent weeks she has developed all sorts of phobias around me. This was dominating my life and it became too much for me to bear. I was working up to 80 hours a week to try to pay my partner's mortgage and support them both. I only ever thought of them first, to the detriment of my own health. However, one particularly bad day before Christmas I yelled in front of his daughter as I could not stand the disrespect any longer. I was thrown out of the house like trash, made homeless, jobless and left without transport. I was super scared and had an acute stress reaction, leading to overdose or suicide attempt. The police and doctors were horribly ignorant of ASD and made everything worse by miscommunicating and treating me like a criminal.

Advice welcomed. I love this man like you can't believe but cannot go back to that situation.

Anyone dealing with similar issues at home.

Thanks

Based on my own experiences; A lot of people put up with a lot of crappy relationships to make everyone else happy I think.
I finally found the strength to leave and have found enough happiness to make any difficulties I encounter totally worth it.

Thanks Beady,

I appreciate your point of view. I take it you are single now? Were you in a long term relationship before?

With my partner, we are fine in our love bubble. It is the ouside influences that are upsetting. I don't want to give him up, but at the same time I am not strong enough to be around his daughter, I have been left feeling too fragile and almost developed a fear of her. She can dictate where I live and with whom, when I eat and what. She is an omnipotent omnipresent being. Even now I don't have contact with her, she rules my life to some extent.

On the other hand, both my partner and his daughter have ADHD and ASD. Maybe I should understand their 'not able to' more. I have ASD too and that makes me imperfect too.

Have you three considered family therapy?

It sounds like one of two things is happening:

1. The daughter has some real trauma or issue that needs to be addressed and she needs help.
Or
2. The daughter is acting up because she wants her own way/attention/whatever. If this is the case she just needs clear boundaries.

A good therapist should be able to help in either scenario.

Therapy sounds like an excellent suggestion all around.

What the hell, why where you soley responsible for paying your partners Morgage, 80 hours a week is freaking insane. And what was he doing all that time, sitting at home watching footballl? oof I get you loved him but sounds like he was kind of taking advantage. May feel bad that the kid seemingly turned on you but damn sounds like he was being kind of a bum and like idk he might have encouraged his daughter to start thinking worse of you...if he decided with your 80 hours week you still weren't doing enough. Did he at least do some housework and dishes? Or was that also up to you.

To BrambleberryPie:

First off, where (or in what kind of place) are you living/staying now, if any? You said you were "made homeless, jobless and left without transport." Are you now in a shelter? Were you able to get anyone to help you?

Something puzzles me. In your first message, you wrote:

But then you wrote:


She is 9 years old. She doesn't legally have the authority to throw you out of the house. So, when you wrote "I was thrown out of the house like trash," who actually did this? When I first read that sentence, I assumed it was your partner who threw you out, due to protectiveness toward his daughter?

But now you say that you and your partner are "fine in our love bubble"? Does this mean he didn't throw you out, but you fled in fear of the daughter? If so, what kinds of things did she do that were so terrifying to you? For example, is she physically violent? Is she in the habit of making serious false accusations? Or did she just start screaming a lot, and perhaps that drove you out due to sensory issues or just the sheer unpleasantness of it all?


What are some of the specific things they are 'not able to' that you now think maybe you should understand more?

Perhaps it would help if you could tell us about some of the other specific issues between you and your partner's daughter, if you feel comfortable discussing them with us?

In any case, IMO, you have not yet told us anywhere near enough about the situation for any of us to have a reasonably informed opinion on whether you should make up or break up.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 14 Jan 2022, 2:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

In another thread, you wrote:

What, specifically, are some of these irrational phobias of hers, and how did they make you completely miserable? If you can tell us the specifics, perhaps we might be able to help you brainstorm a win-win solution?

Looking again at your first post here in this thread, I notice:

What led to her suddenly developing a bunch of phobias around you? Was there a specific triggering event? Did she (or your partner) ever tell you what her sudden new underlying problem with you was?

Yes, I agree. We have a session booked on Sunday. I do feel his daughter is acting up to get her own way to some extent. I can see that she really struggles with the side effects of her meds recently, but I feel a lot of this is a misguided attempt by her to get her parents back together.

There was a lot of talk from her about magic potions to get her parents back together. She even started to leave her mum's crystals in strategic places. She also wrote a story with her friend that involved a witch and a magic potion. In the story she was hiding under the witches bed. That day she wrote the story she was under my bed with her friend and kept waking me up when I was on nightshift, working up to 80 hours a week. It is mental torture being in that house.

Hi Sweetleaf,

He is bankrupt due to health issues. He pretty much had a breakdown due to undiagnosed ASD and ADHD, along with some bereavement issues, not sleeping due to his daughter's undianosed ADHD and the breakdown of his marriage. He can no longer work in his previous profession and has a much lower income. He did contribute financially towards the bills, but I ended up picking up the bill for hot tub, puppies, trips out for his little girl. I loved them both and wanted to do this, but I expected the same love in return. I did not expect for him to kick me out and basically tell me he will try to get me back the £35k I paid off his mortgage arrears a few months ago, but he cannot be responsible for his ex wife's actions and the trustees will take a big sum of the money for his bankruptcy.

Hi Mona,

So to clarify,

on 19th December I paid £200 for a special trip. She started having a shutdown and not wanting to go, which in turn meant me and her dad could not go. She told us we could not eat or drink whilst on trip. She would not go in same car as me so we had to drive separately. She perked up and really enjoyed the trip and I bought her a couple of toys at the gift shop that she wanted. When we returned to house the puppies had escaped as we had been rushing to leave the house due to her carry on. They ate her mum's Chrismas tree star which made her really upset. She seemed to be angry and blaming me. The dogs had pooped and peed everywhere and I was left to clean it up. She repeatedly said she was bored. That was when I had a meltdown / acute stress reaction and started yelling. The police were called by me as my car keys went missing. I called the police back when keys were found to say everything ok. Later in week my partner called police on me to say there was a safeguarding issue with his daughter. He later admitted he overreacted. Social services have now said there is no cause for concern. When the police showed up, his daughter walked up to me and was 2 feet away from me of her own volition. I said to police, yes I yelled in front of her, but you can clearly see she is not scared of me. My partner called police minutes after I asked him to sign a minute of agreement through lawyer and I took my car keys back from him. I had bought him a car, but needed to sell it to recoup my money. Then he wanted me gone, like I had served my purpose. I was no longer the cash cow and maybe he did not need me anymore.

Basically, the daughter developed a phobia about being in car with me because I did vomit once. I had been really sick with tonsillitis and on antibiotics. I also get car sick. I fell asleep in my own car with lights on, so my partner came to drive me to next job. I used to go from one job to the other, three jobs in a row, commuting 80 plus miles a day and working up to 16 hours a day.

Next time, we went to pick up the puppies from breeder. My partner asked me to drive his 4x4, which I bought for him. The gear stick is different and it was pitch black in countryside. My driving was not bad or dangerous, but I took a few minutes to refamiliarise myself with the controls. His daughter wanted us to turn around and go back home, my ex partner caved in and we turned back. I jumped out of car at traffic lights as he was criticising me too. Daughter jumped out too as she wanted to walk home with me. I just wanted to be on my own, yet was left to look after her and my partner didn't support me. We walked home over a narrow, dangerous bridge in dark and she had my boots on, so completely inadequately dressed for cold and dark in countryside. That is my point to ex partner. She does not know the consequences of her decisions and what is good and bad for her. He has to step up and explain these things to her. Without me or a different partner, her dad will suffer financially, health wise and emotionally.

I managed to get another car, rent a flat and get a job, but I still feel in limbo. I need to get this decided to I can make permanant decisions about my future.

Last edited by BrambleberryPie on 14 Jan 2022, 12:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You paid his mortgage. You took him and his child on an trip. You bought him a 4x4.

You need to get out, run away and don't go back. He and his daughter are TOXIC. Consider yourself lucky it is only money you have wasted on him.

My partner has a lot of issues around his ADHD. That means he is almost incapable of making a decision and struggles to organise his life. He is good at having a vision, but he cannot implement a detailed plan in order to get there. I am getting frustrated with all his talk and big ideas and no action. It is make or break this weekend. He says he is going to tell his daugher he is back together with me. It is only talking right now. I gave him the key to my new flat, but despite initially leaving me the key to his house (our former home) he took it back. Part of me wants to understand his blind spots, but it is sucking my blood. He also had a custody battle with his ex wife, meaning he did not see his daughter for many months. His ex wife said daughter was traumatised as he could no linger afford fees for private school and she was pulled out of class abruptly. She also mentioned his mental health struggles. He is such a lovely,mild mannered guy and I love him, but I cannot live my life if he does not fight for me as I fight for him. I was all in from the beginning but his 'love' has all sorts of conditions attached.

I see his hang ups and want to allow him more time, but when is it going to happen if I don't put a deadline on it. I feel like there needs to be an ultimatum this weekend. 'Tell your daughter I am moving back in and give me some legal protection with house or let me go, let me move on with the next guy and make every effort to pay back my money.'

I would get out of this mess before it gets worse.

If you ask me, that was pretty nasty of him to throw you out like that just because you got frustrated over one time. Not to mention, take your job and transportation away from you? That sounds like a controller who you don't need in your life. You deserve so much better than that.