Breaking up with my perfect partner due to his daughter

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Thanks for your point of view.

Summer Twilight,

Just to be clear I 'chose' to give up my job. In reality I didn't feel able to go into work anyway as I was in such a bad place and needed some time to recuperate mentally, physically and emotionally. I had to leave the area to feel safe. I felt to vulnerable down there. My ex partner's friend phoned 999 to say I broke into his house with my mum who is 60, I stole his car and was driving without insurance. I got blue lighted and pulled over by two massive police vans - maybe half a dozen cops and aggressively told I was lying and went to his home wihout permission and against police advice. None of this was true and no police action was taken against me. Bear in mind I had just attempted suicide, just released from hospital, could hardly speak and I have ASD so was terrified I would be arrested. The police have no idea about autism and their actions were causing me to escalate even more. I was left without transport as my documents were in his house and I had no way to tax my vehicles without papers. I ended up spending £6K to get a car so I could get a job up here. I moved 40 miles away - back home to feel safe and be neareer familiy.

I appreciate your response and hearing your opinion. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond and advise me.

My ex partner has since admitted he went to far and over reacted, but he listened to the police wrongly saying I had knives under the bed. I have never hurt anybody in my life before and neither have I thought about it. My suicide attempt was more an extreme form of 'flight' or escape or elopement related to autism and a situational acute stress reaction, rather than suicidal ideation or wanting to die.

My therapist just told me this afternoon (in another context) that it takes the average abused woman seven tries before she leaves her abuser for good. Don't let it take you that long.

That is why it seems like he was kind of just using you. I mean you spend all this money and over-work yourself for him and his daughter only to get thrown out? That is not how a partner who appreciates what their S.O does for them acts.

I know it sucks, but its not really your responsibility to fix those people, you are important to and should take care of yourself. I mean do you really want to make up with someone who is willing to just throw you out on the street after all you do for them? He and his daughter may have disabilities, but that doesn't make it ok to just use people and then throw them out like garbage, like it sounds like he did do you.

Good point. Yes, I had an abusive relationship in past and it fizzled out slowly. A doctor told me that I was not in contol of my own life, but it took me another three years - until 2013 to understand what she meant.

In my current situation, 'the abuse' is not intentional, and may not even amount to abuse, but rather just an unhealthy relationship. However your point is correct, either way, as much as I love this man, I cannot be with him in this lifetime with all the challenges around us.

No I don't want that for myself Sweetleaf. I wanted him to love me as much as I love him. I wanted him to protect me like I tried to protect him. I wanted him to cherish me, appreciate me, support me, care for me. I wanted him to trust me and understand my intentions were never bad. I want a partner who will fight for me, protect me, not stand there and let bad things happen to me, opening his mouth but nothing comes out, or making promises and plans that never come into fruition. Hi ex wife is going to have to step up now. I was the one who paid for my SD ASD diagnosis and am now paying for counselling - not even her own mother does that for her. I deserve better and I have other options.

Uh oh. This doesn't sound good. Does it still seem to you like his relationship with you is based solely on monetary need?


I'm glad to hear you're doing okay in terms of life necessities, at least.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 14 Jan 2022, 5:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It sounds like she misses her mom.

Is there any chance of resolving the custody battle with a joint custody arrangement, perhaps with the aid of some post-divorce couples counseling to help make such an arrangement work? This might be best for the daughter, and would also have the side benefit of getting her out of your hair at least part of the time.

What was his stated reason for taking back the key from you? And does he still live there?


Getting your money back from him might not be feasible, but it's certainly reasonable for you to require legal protection with the house if he wants you to live with him.

I agree that an ultimatum is probably necessary, if you decide that he's worth bothering with at all at this point.

Thanks Mona,

Yes, I think he does love me, genuinely, but nobody can deny the obvious financial benefits he gets from being in a relationship with me. The parents do have joint custody, with Dad having her about a third of the time. Her mum has her own business and lives with Grandad. She works full time and my partner's daughter is left with 75 year old grandad who has OCD around cleanliness and order and phobias around Covid. Family counselling would help, but despite having the money, mum and grandad are not willing to pay for it. I paid for her diagnosis, offered to pay for counselling, invited her mum round at Christmas. My ex, her Dad is not even allowed in her mum's house if he is desparate to go to loo. They both live rural and about 45 minutes distance from each other. Their whole marriage breakdown and divorce is acrimonious. It has badly affeected their daughter. She was not allowed to see her own dad for over a year and he had to go to court to get access - now he is constantly being asked to look after her more as mum needs extra childcare. The whole family is bonkers. I just told my ex tonight that we are finished. He said he would talk to his daughter tonight, but yet again it is only talk, no action. I feel sorry for the little girl. I loved her as my own, but I can't do anything to help now.

The fact that he did not give me the key to his house back shows that he either doesn't trust me or is playing me for a fool. Yes, I did give him an ultimatum and he did not step up. He hides away and says nothing. Thank you, next! I deserve better.

For sure you deserve better, someone who actually appreciates you.

Get out. Walk away. Leave.

Unintentional abuse is still abuse.

I have a friend 2 Friends who won't leave their abusive husband's because they are making excuses for them due to ADHD an an undiagnosed issue. The are unhappy and just want to be loved back and they are not being loved back after years and years and years of being wonderful caring people, giving second, third, fourth, fiftieth chances.

You deserve better.

If he wanted to show you love he would do it.

https://chng.it/qpT5wswkbx

Ok, so an update. I found out quite by accident at the weekend that this man intends to keep my money. He was using delaying tactics to delay my solicitor appointment to get minute of agreement signed. This would have meant him selling the house. He now says he will keep the money. He initially offered me a promissory note making out it was in my best interest to sign it as l would not get my money back otherwise. He was blaming his ex wife. When I refused to sign he gets verbally abusive and says he will not give me money back. I realised I had been scammed big time.