Coming across as overbearing

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Which explanations would you select
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Explanation 9 33%  33%  [ 1 ]
Explanation 10 67%  67%  [ 2 ]
Total votes : 3

QFT
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17 Jan 2022, 11:49 pm

As you saw, most of my posts were about specific situations. But I got the same general feedback: not to be too eager and overbearing. I guess one obvious question is how can I be too eager if I don’t approach women to begin with? I guess maybe they can somehow deduce what I am thinking, so the question is how. But let’s assume they do deduce what I am thinking. In this case, my act of thinking is still less active than some other guy who actively approaches a woman. So how come he is not overwhelming but I am? I came up with some theories. Please let me know what you think:

Explanation 1: The simple truth is that they just don’t like me and that I should have taken no for the answer. In one sense I do take no for the answer: I don’t approach them. But in a different sense I don’t: I am still thinking about them, and they can tell. Now, if I were to take no for the answer in a proper way, as in not even think of them, it would still be a no, so I would still be single/loner. But I would have been less unpleasant single/loner.

Explanation 2: Same as explanation 1, but with the following difference. If I were to take no for the answer “in a proper way” as I put it, some of them might have changed their mind down the road. Most wouldn’t, but a few might. But because I don’t take no for the answer (in a sense that I am still thinking of them which they can somehow tell) that’s why instead of 10% changing their minds, I have 0% changing their minds. And to me the difference between 10% and 0% is huge, seeing that I have no friends.

Explanation 3: Same as 2 except that I should have done something about them not liking me. I know messy dress and messy hair is one factor. So BEFORE I show any signs of interest (including my inner thoughts that they still read) I should have fixed my hair/clothes. But the fact that I have those inner thoughts about them WITHOUT fixing hair/clothes is what makes those thoughts creepy.

Explanation 4: The issue is not that I am more active than others but rather that I do it sooner than others. I am comparing the situation when I know someone the first time to the situation when others knew each other for months. Those people I am comparing myself to weren’t acting so eager the first time they met, or else their relationship wouldn’t have gone to where it is.

Explanation 5: Same as 4 except that it’s not about a person but their circle of friends or even community as a whole. So I should start slowly in order to be accepted by some people. Once that happens, then I can start being more eager with their friends afterwords.

Explanation 6: The issue is not that I am too eager but rather that I am eager in all the wrong ways. I am focused on over analyzing the situation while others are focused on enjoying their time together. Again though the time plays a role too. If you look at married couples they do discuss their problems or even fight. But when I look at people that are just getting to know each other, they are having a good time. So by starting an interaction with all this questioning instead of a good time is where I jump way ahead of myself.

Explanation 7: If I was equally eager to engage both men and women, then I could have been even more eager than I currently am, and this would have been fine. But since I am not eager at all with men, yet eager with women, then even a slight level of said eagerness (even on the level of inner thoughts) would raise some eyebrows.

Explanation 8: Actually I was correct in saying that I am less active than some. But paradoxically this very thing is what makes me too eager. Between “active”, “hesitant” and “disengaged”, the worst option in other people’s eyes is hesitant. Thats because that makes it look like I have something to hide. So I am “too eager” in a sense that I am not “disengaging”. And I am “not eager enough” in a sense that I am not “active”. And my being in the middle is what ultimately hurts me.

Explanation 9: Actually they can’t read my mind, so no they don’t know I am obsessing. All they know is my actions where I don’t approach anyone. So they assume I want to be left alone and are giving me space they think I need.

Explanation 10: Other (Specify)



Minervx_2
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21 Jan 2022, 1:54 pm

The main problem here is that you think too much and not do enough.

Stop theorycrafting so much. Don't come up with any more theories. Get a real social life. Yes, getting out of your comfort zone is hard but that's the only solution. There's no work-around.

So many of these things that you personally think is important, you'll realize they're actually trivial concerns once you have a social life.

Meet friends at your school/job. Find a job/part-time job with people your age if you don't have one. Join meetup groups or other activities in your community. Maybe go to a course or seminar of kind.

If you think there is some sort of theory or idea that someone could give you that will allow you to circumvent this process, you are mistaken. Not only that, but you'll regret the time you wasted.

Also, you're too concerned about other people reading your mind. What someone thinks of you is not your responsibility. There are things that are your responsibility: be polite, be a good person, follow the laws, etc. But once you've done things on your end, that's it. You're not responsible for their end. And if people don't like you, let them go; they're not the right ones for you.

They have a right to think whatever they want, and if they make a misjudgment, that's on them - not on you. It seems like you're so afraid of what people who are incompatible with you think, that it's causing you to be anxious/not yourself/less social, which will make it harder to meet the people who are compatible.



theprisoner
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21 Jan 2022, 2:07 pm

Reading this is so convoluted, this 'does my head in.' I recommend therapy, in order that you may take on a more human form. lol.

Not well adjusted myself, by any stretch of the imagination, but ...uhhh..i dont know where to start, you need practical hands on help, behaviorally. That's my pragmatic answer.

Like he said^, less 'theorycrafting, and more practical application. Everybody with ASD can benefit from some kind of training in social skills. How to think. (or how not to think in your case.) How to act. What to do. I wish I had something like that growing up.


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QFT
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21 Jan 2022, 7:57 pm

Minervx_2 wrote:
So many of these things that you personally think is important, you'll realize they're actually trivial concerns once you have a social life.


You hit the nail on the head. I 100% agree with you.

The problem is that I don’t have social life. And it’s not my choice. It’s other people’s choice to isolate me. So if nobody is willing to give me a chance socially, then all I am left with is “grasping at the straws”. The “straws” being the “trivial stuff” as you put it.

Now, why aren’t they willing to give me a chance socially? Probably because they don’t see what you see. They assume I am that way because of my Asperger, so they conclude I would stay that way even if they did give me a chance. But, like you put so well, they are wrong: I won’t stay that way if I could have a social life (for the exact reasons you put). But others don’t see it, that’s why they aren’t giving you a chance.

And now you are trying to tell “me” why socialization is the best thing I can do for myself. Well, I agree with you; they don’t. And if they aren’t inviting me into their social circle, what am I supposed to do?

And this brings me right back to the question in the OP. Since they don’t let me socialize, I want to know why not. Hence all my theories.

Minervx_2 wrote:
Meet friends at your school/job.


Like I said, it’s not my choice, it’s theirs. I would happily take friends if they were to offer said friendship, but they don’t.

Minervx_2 wrote:
Find a job/part-time job with people your age if you don't have one.


I want to be a theoretical physicist and don’t want any jobs outside of theoretical physics or math. But due to the fact that it is very competitive, I can’t realistically to land that job until I make a lot more publications than I have now. I do have a lot of papers on arxiv.org but they don’t count as publications, I need journals to publish them, and they for the most part reject them. Partly because my ideas are not conventional and partly because I don’t explain them well. However, I found a journal that accepted two of my papers in a row without any rejections. So I am planning to send the rest of my papers to this journal to see if I have better luck this way.

In any case, the point is that I don’t want any jobs outside of theoretical physics and mathematics. So the way I handled it is I went back to graduate school to do a second PhD (my first PhD was in physics and the second one is in math). The cool thing about graduate school is that grad students are TA-s, and TA salary covers a tuition and also gives additional money on top, so I don’t need another job. I guess technically speaking TA is a job, but probably not the kind of job you have in mind.

Now, are you saying that if I were to let go of my passion for physics and accept jobs outside the academia this would help my social life? I can’t say yes or no to that, since I never tried. I can see how it could be true though. I just don’t want to sacrifice my physics career since it was my life time goal since I was 9.

Minervx_2 wrote:
Join meetup groups or other activities in your community.


Okay this sounds better. I tried going to meetups twice or thrice and it didn’t go anywhere. But maybe I should try again.

Actually I am already belonging to some of those groups (such as running). I just don’t have time to attend since I am constantly behind in school, plus they meet at the other end of town and I don’t drive. But hopefully if I stay organized this semester and don’t fall behind I can try and see.



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22 Jan 2022, 4:30 am

In the world in which we live, its us that need to adapt in order to have any kind of social interaction or relationship.

When I was a teenager there was virtually no information, guidance or support available so I had to work this out myself. I trained myself to make eye contact (or the illusion of it), practiced scripts of small talk and in general started ti develop quite sophisticated masking behaviour. Although I dont mask that much now I can still 'pass' in most situations when I put my mind to it.

My most valued and meaningful interactions are with other autistic people. As regards relationships, from my personal experience I am highly unlikely to have another with PNT person,


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22 Jan 2022, 4:41 am

OP, do you drink? I'd give it a try, drinking sort of stuns your prefrontal cortex into submission, and might help with some of this overthinking, there's a reason it's been a social ritual since the dawn of civilization. Go to a bar, order a beer, sit at the bar while you sip it, comment on the game if it's on, shoot some pool if they have a table and you're inclined, throw some darts, etc, and keep going back to the same place a few nights a week even if you're just sitting there sipping your beer by yourself at first. Don't drink too fast and don't drink too much, you might be surprised at how easy it is to become a regular and get to know people.


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22 Jan 2022, 5:08 am

Yes, like he said^ you could always take Alcohol and poison yourself slowly.


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23 Jan 2022, 6:33 pm

theprisoner wrote:
Yes, like he said^ you could always take Alcohol and poison yourself slowly.


You sound fun at parties.


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