Why Autistic Men Are More Likely To Struggle With Dating

Page 1 of 4 [ 64 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Muse933277
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 793

18 Jan 2022, 1:18 pm

In my lifetime, iv'e known 50+ men with autism, of all levels of severity. In high school, I was a part of a program where everyone had autism without any intellectual impairments. In my early adulthood years, I was also a part of a cooking program that taught students with autism life skills. So it's safe to say that I know A LOT of young men on the spectrum. I know very few of them who have ever been in a romantic relationship. In my high school, out of 17 kids in the autism program, only 2 had ever been in a relationship, compared to many neurotypical people who were able to get relationships fairly easily.

I'm going to be honest, I think there's a couple reasons why many people with autism, especially men, struggle with dating.


- We're less likely be employed and live independently. There have been many studies where a high percentage of people with autism are unemployed. And when those with autism do have jobs, oftentimes it's a part time minimum wage job which we're overqualified for. Also, many people with autism are getting SSI or medicaid money from the government. The reason why this contributes to lack of dating success is a couple reasons. Many women want to date a guy who's financially successful or at least financially stable. Secondly, being able to hold down a full time job, especially one that pays good money, usually shows a certain level of intelligence, maturity, and discipline.

- Many people with autism are out of shape and dislike exercise. In my lifetime, I've known 50+ men with autism and very few of them have ever been into sports or exercise. This is in contrast to many young neurotypical men who are into sports and like to exercise. This is important because when you're young, being fit makes it easier to attract romantic partners. If you're fat and out of shape, it makes dating harder, especially combined with social awkwardness that many autistic men have.

- Being more likely to have mental health problems. We're more likely to suffer from depression or social anxiety, both of which makes finding romantic relationships harder. Social anxiety makes it hard to find romantic partners, especially if you're a man, due to society dictating that men should be the initiators in romantic situations. Shyness and introversion, which men with autism are more likely to have, can also hinder any dating success. It's hard to find a girlfriend if you can't even talk to girls.

- Having too high of standards. This is a problem that many men have, not just men with autism. We tend to date people who are similar to us whether that's similar values, similar lifestyle, similar interests, or similar looks. If you're an out of shape socially awkward nerd with autism who rarely exercises and plays video games all day, what would you have in common with a 10/10 sorority girl who's super social, super fit, and likes to drink and party all the time? Probably not a lot.



GadgetGuru
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Oct 2021
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,074
Location: Northern Nevada, USA

18 Jan 2022, 1:28 pm

This seems like an astute analysis of the issues, in general.

Certainly, many of the conventional aspects of what makes a man appealing as a partner are missing, or exist to a lesser extent in autistic boys and men.

I can only go by personal experience, but I suspect that for at least some, starting later in life with dating may be the only way to achieve even partial success, once sufficient masking skills have been acquired (knowingly or unknowingly), and one has had time to explore some of one's special interests.

Darron


_________________
Darron


Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,750
Location: Stendec

18 Jan 2022, 1:59 pm

I would include:

- Focused solely on "Getting a Girlfriend". Little (if any) attention is given to developing the social skills required to maintain a meaningful relationship.  This is analogous to buying an expensive sports car and having no idea how to drive it or keep it running.  Sooner or later, the autistic male will simply wreck it.



GadgetGuru
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Oct 2021
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,074
Location: Northern Nevada, USA

18 Jan 2022, 3:16 pm

Fnord wrote:
I would include:

- Focused solely on "Getting a Girlfriend". Little (if any) attention is given to developing the social skills required to maintain a meaningful relationship.  This is analogous to buying an expensive sports car and having no idea how to drive it or keep it running.  Sooner or later, the autistic male will simply wreck it.

Yes, this is critical!

If you're focused on "scoring", in either the sexual or romantic sense, but ignoring the many subtleties that must be understood for this to be sustainable, that sports car will end up at the bottom of a deep ravine, upside down and on fire, just because you ignored the "Curves Ahead" sign...

Image

Darron


_________________
Darron


JimJohn
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 20 Dec 2021
Gender: Male
Posts: 366

18 Jan 2022, 5:25 pm

Here is a ramble:

The definition of a relationship that I see that is generally followed is this. One person says they are in a relationship and the other person agrees. It is accepted that a six year old boy in the first grade is in a relationship if the other person agrees.

I don't think the length of the relationship is considered. Is a sixty year old marriage necessarily the end all, be all and golden example of a relationship? It probably is seen as such. But, then you have to ask what got it started and what makes it stay together. The answer could include things other than relationship skills.

I have to ask myself why do certain relationships last longer than others? If sex is not a prerequisite to saying someone is in a relationship, how different is friendship from a romantic relationship? Who is to say which relationship is better than another? One may be better for raising children and never being lonely because it lasts. Some of that is the byproduct of having had children. Why does it last? It is all kind of crazy if you ask me.

I imagine sometimes people with ASD have not been in a relationship because they did not seek out one, and ask to be in one.

If I have a relationship with a woman for an evening with sex, I would say that is more of a relationship than a six year old with a girlfriend.



Muse933277
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 793

18 Jan 2022, 5:44 pm

I think the reason why many autistic men (not all of them) struggle with dating is because many of us come off as different, and it can be obvious that something is off, and I think for many women, they write us off because of that.

I know this man with autism who's 23. He's a nice guy, really smart, and just graduated from college with a bachelors degree, but he's never had a girlfriend before and has never been successful with girls. It's because of his autism; he's never admitted it to me but I knew from day 1 by the way he talks, his body language, his facial expressions, and I think other people pick up on it too. Plus he's short, baby-faced, and kind of nerdy which doesn't help either. And sadly, I think women are picking up on his differences and writing him off because of it where's I have no doubt in my mind that if he were a 5 ft 10 neurotypical man, he'd of had a girlfriend or two by now. I know he wants a girlfriend too.



JimJohn
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 20 Dec 2021
Gender: Male
Posts: 366

18 Jan 2022, 7:13 pm

Muse933277 wrote:
I think the reason why many autistic men (not all of them) struggle with dating is because many of us come off as different, and it can be obvious that something is off, and I think for many women, they write us off because of that.

I know this man with autism who's 23. He's a nice guy, really smart, and just graduated from college with a bachelors degree, but he's never had a girlfriend before and has never been successful with girls. It's because of his autism; he's never admitted it to me but I knew from day 1 by the way he talks, his body language, his facial expressions, and I think other people pick up on it too. Plus he's short, baby-faced, and kind of nerdy which doesn't help either. And sadly, I think women are picking up on his differences and writing him off because of it where's I have no doubt in my mind that if he were a 5 ft 10 neurotypical man, he'd of had a girlfriend or two by now. I know he wants a girlfriend too.


If you don't play by the rules, you aren't a player in the game and no one wants to play the game with you. I only write that because I think maybe it can be simplified to that.



txfz1
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Dec 2021
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,411
Location: US

18 Jan 2022, 7:27 pm

^^^ I think it's more nuanced as the kid is playing by the rules, except he ain't got the correct team outfit, and most don't want to play the game with him. I'm a romantic and still think there is someone out there for me and hopefully the kid.



cyberdad
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Feb 2011
Age: 56
Gender: Male
Posts: 34,150

18 Jan 2022, 7:31 pm

Being "more likely to struggle" is the key here.

Overall the OP has outlined criteria that impacts all men (not just autistic men).

From this perspective I can only think of one which is social awkwardness which is perhaps the most common shared trait amongst most autistic men that acts as a barrier/hurdle to overcome that perhaps is less of an issue compared to NT men but having said that, a lot of NT men struggle to talk to girls.

As a teen I would put approaching girls one of the most terrifying things I could do. It was higher even than public speaking or fear of losing my clothes and ending up naked in public (a common dream I had as a teen).



WantToHaveALife
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,011
Location: California, United States

18 Jan 2022, 10:03 pm

1 and 3 i feel are the biggest contributing factors, 3 being the biggest, it looks like or seems, men need to either focus or learn more on the behavioral aspect than women do when it comes to attracting someone, a mans social skills or social behaviors impact his dating life, attractiveness, a lot more than the other way around it seems.



The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,753

19 Jan 2022, 12:59 am

I think the primary reason that autistic men disproportionately struggle with dating has to be because we tend to have inhibited social skills. Being at a disadvantage socially is likely to negatively affect one's ability to establish any kind of social relationship.

The reasons you've outlined here are probably secondary causes, or even second primary causes for some of us, but I think ultimately, having social impairments significant enough to warrant a diagnosis is generally going to be the most pervasive factor for autistic men. Especially as it is the man's role to initiate courtship, and lacking in the social skills department tends to make that difficult.



The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,753

19 Jan 2022, 1:33 am

Fnord wrote:
I would include:

- Focused solely on "Getting a Girlfriend". Little (if any) attention is given to developing the social skills required to maintain a meaningful relationship.  This is analogous to buying an expensive sports car and having no idea how to drive it or keep it running.  Sooner or later, the autistic male will simply wreck it.

If maintaining a meaningful relationship was where the autistic man struggled, he would go through a series of failed relationships. Instead, it seems many of us have limited success at establishing a relationship in the first place, which requires a different skill-set. A skill-set which autistic men are specifically predisposed to struggle with.

To borrow your analogy, one can read all the manuals and watch all the youtube videos he wants about how to maintain an expensive sports car, but if for whatever reason he can never attain that expensive sports car, that knowledge can't be put to good use. Moreover, I'd imagine that there are nuances and small bits of knowledge about maintaining a sports car that one can only gain through practical experience. If an individual doesn't have access to a sports car, he lacks the avenue through which to gain that practical experience and knowledge.

The main problem here isn't necessarily that the autistic male doesn't know how to care for a sports car. It's that he lacks the means to acquire one. Some autistic males may lack the means to acquire the sports car and lack the necessary knowledge about maintaining it, but it doesn't follow that just because one lacks the former, he must necessarily be insufficient at the latter.

To introduce a different analogy, an individual can have all of the knowledge, skills and abilities necessary to excel at his profession, but he may find himself unable to substantiate that if he can't secure a position as a result of struggling with job interviews. Just because he struggles with job interviews, doesn't mean he couldn't be a good employee if given the chance.



And So It Goes
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Oct 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 547

19 Jan 2022, 10:13 am

When I used to date, it was at the same time that I was going for job interviews and found both experiences near identical. :lol:


_________________
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."

"And I've embraced the calamity, with a detachment and a passive disinterest."

"I hear voices...But I ignore them and just carry on killing."


Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,750
Location: Stendec

19 Jan 2022, 10:46 am

And So It Goes wrote:
When I used to date, it was at the same time that I was going for job interviews and found both experiences near identical.
Which may be why most dateless aspie males seem to be also jobless, and vice-versa.



SportsGamer35728
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 6 Oct 2015
Posts: 416
Location: Vice City

19 Jan 2022, 10:48 am

And So It Goes wrote:
When I used to date, it was at the same time that I was going for job interviews and found both experiences near identical. :lol:

Same here! Fortunately I've got the job part down now, just patiently waiting on the girlfriend part. I'm definitely guilty of Muse's last point (high standards), but I feel like part of the reason they're so high is because I was spoiled starting at a young age with lots of positive platonic interactions with attractive women :P



Nades
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Jan 2017
Age: 1933
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,771
Location: wales

19 Jan 2022, 11:14 am

Fnord wrote:
I would include:

- Focused solely on "Getting a Girlfriend". Little (if any) attention is given to developing the social skills required to maintain a meaningful relationship.  This is analogous to buying an expensive sports car and having no idea how to drive it or keep it running.  Sooner or later, the autistic male will simply wreck it.


What would you consider the essential social skills?