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Qtrhym2004
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23 Feb 2022, 4:36 pm

I am a 17-year-old girl. I am in the 11th grade. I have autism and social anxiety. I have difficulties talking to people. I am anxious from the thought of chatting but I can be friendly after getting to know people.

I feel ostracised at school. No one ever initiates conversations with me and I only ever get short answers when I talk to people. I am never invited to parties. Everyone in the class has friends except me. They often throw parties where like 70% of the class is invited.

I feel like the problems started in freshman year. In my country, most schools hold a trip for the kids before the first year in high school so they can get to know each other. Ours was in mid-Junee which is relatively early. I haven't managed to make any friends there. However, the bigger group that did threw parties and got together several times throughout the summer. Almost everyone was invited. I didn't even know these took place until later. When school started, there were already a few established groups because of this.

After the first semester, I haven't managed to make friends. I've tried inviting people to places like malls several times, but I was always rejected/ghosted. I tried initiating conversations with people but they weren't opening up. I might have been too forward in some of these cases because I was desperate to make friends. Every time I felt like I made progress everything would go back to normal the next day.

Then online school came because of the pandemic. I had no way of really communicating with people because I wasn't close enough to anyone and I thought it would look weird if I sent a message out of the blue. Meanwhile, the established friend groups got even closer to each other.

In 10th grade, almost the entire year was online, and nothing changed.

Now I am in 11th grade. I still haven't been able to make friends. I am incredibly miserable. I feel like I am wasting what is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. I honestly feel it's kind of unfair. I know I could have done things better, but I also feel that they are a kind clique and mean. I feel like no one considers how hard outsiders have it once they have their groups established. It is almost impossible to join because of that. I envy the popular kids. I just feel that their lives are much happier and easier.
I hate going to school. Most days I talk to no one. If I don't initiate, no one ever talks to me.

I don't know what I could do. I think that it is too late. Even if I managed to join their groups, I still wouldn't be an "equal" member, they have known each other for 3 years. I also think that it might be late to transfer to a new school.
What can i do to fit in and be invited to these parties? I am desperate



mohsart
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23 Feb 2022, 5:21 pm

I think what may have helped me was two things.
Changing schools. After 9th grade, completely new environment and new classmates. After 10th grade doing a year as an exchange student in USA. After that, back home, new classmates again.
The other thing was not knowing that I was on the spectrum (diagnosed just a year ago). I think that I may have forced myself onto people who because of politeness or other reasons didn't push me away hard enough for me to notice, and eventually they grew to see some value in me.
I know this is of little or more probably no help for you, it's just my experience of High School.

/Mats


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Erjoy29
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24 Feb 2022, 11:00 am

I’m sorry to hear that. You’re definitely not alone as this can be somewhat common with being on the spectrum. Depends on each person but there are some of us who haven’t really made friends in school. But you still have time. You aren’t in 12th grade yet.

I had some difficulty in this. Although I made friends in HS, I made no friends at all in college. I tried but it just didn’t happen.

I’d say look at all your good qualities in your personality and see what makes you “shine”. What makes you stand out from the crowd. What makes you unique. What you give. Look at your interests/hobbies and find your passion in those and how others might share that same passion. Try to enjoy life some more if you can. Make it eventful. People love it when you can be optimistic and supportive. Focus too on your energy and making it positive and inviting. I know it’s tempting to want to try hard to make friends but it’s probably better to be strong and solid inside yourself first and act like “you’re doing just fine”. Hopefully more after that can follow.

I wish you luck!



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27 Feb 2022, 8:42 am

I found friends in school when I approached other "outsiders" and stopped chasing the "popular" ones hoping to be noticed other than singled out for bullying.
The "outsiders" knew what that being ostracized was like and did not behave like that.


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Joe90
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27 Feb 2022, 2:16 pm

autisticelders wrote:
I found friends in school when I approached other "outsiders" and stopped chasing the "popular" ones hoping to be noticed other than singled out for bullying.
The "outsiders" knew what that being ostracized was like and did not behave like that.


I found other "outcasts" like myself (maybe some were undiagnosed Aspies) but even they were bitchy and nasty towards me. Well, two of them were, who were the two dominant ones in the group. They made stupid excuses for leaving me out, like "we've both got big families while you haven't" and "you talk about boys too much". It wasn't my fault I only had 2 siblings while they had 4-5 siblings (I only lived with one of my siblings). And don't most teenage girls talk about boys? I think these girls hid their social difficulties and/or insecurities by acting bitchy towards me. Funny how I've never treated others poorly because of my insecurities or social difficulties. I do have insecurities but I'm still nice to people.


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jimmy m
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27 Feb 2022, 6:22 pm

Qtrhym2004, I am sorry to hear about your inability to find some new friends. Covid has made it even more difficult that in the past for Aspies to make friends.

I had very few friends when I was in high school. But it is good to have at least one friend. So that should be your focus. Make one good friend. But how?

When my daughters were growing up, I went out of my way to encourage them to join many of the activities in school. And as a result they built a whole framework of friends through grade school and high school. One of the best activities to join is School Plays. A school play uses many different types of characters. These include actors/actresses, musicians, lighting and sound, artist, and a variety of support personnel. Being part of a play performance will open the opportunity to make friends.

There are many other types of school functions that can provide some opportunities to make friendships.

I have found that some of my best friendships in life have come from people that were outsiders. If you look around where people are gathered, you will see them alone in corners. They are in some ways like you. They would like to have a friend but not know how to get one. The best answer is to try to make friends especially with people who are new to your school or lack friends themselves.


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Kt.Kpop
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27 Feb 2022, 6:47 pm

Qtrhym2004, I think most of us understand what you're going through because we've been there ourselves. Yes, it's challenging. Keep in mind, you have many many years ahead of you. It's hard to see now, but as you age, you will realize school was only a small part of life. You will experience wonderful things in your future.

My suggestion: What are you good at? What do you enjoy? Surround yourself with people who share similar interests.

These groups don't need to be in school. It can be church groups, after school groups, support groups, online groups, meet up groups.

For me, I enjoy foreign films, and found an organization that shows foreign films twice a month at a local theater.

Great advice my aunt told me: You will only get along with 4% of the population, so find that 4% of people, and don't worry about the other 96% that you don't 'click' with.



Mona Pereth
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28 Feb 2022, 2:29 pm

Qtrhym2004 wrote:
I feel ostracised at school.


A common problem for autistic people.

My suggestion: Don't try to be popular. Instead, seek out fellow oddballs, both at school (if possible) and elsewhere. And, thanks to the Internet, there are lots and lots of possible elsewheres.

What are your interests/hobbies, if any? What is your career goal, if any?

To increase the likelihood of making a friend or two here on Wrong Planet, I would suggest that you edit your profile to include the following:

* 1) Your location. Don't be specific enough to endanger your privacy, but do include at least your country and, if you live in a large country, your province/state/region and/or nearest major metro area.
* 2) Your birthdate, which, contrary to the labeled instructions, must be in DD-MM-YYYY format. your birthdate is entered in the correct format, your age will be automatically displayed.

Also in your account settings for Wrong Planet, click "Edit signature" to give yourself a signature line, which should mention your interests/hobbies and/or career goal, if any.

Also, of course, be sure to post in the Adolescent Autism Forum section of Wrong Planet, if you have not done so already.


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26 Mar 2022, 6:45 pm

I'm sorry you're going through this and hope you are able to make friends in other stages of your life, i.e. college, work, etc. I can't imagine it feels like it right now when things are so difficult, but high school goes by pretty quickly and a lot of people don't keep in touch with their high school friends as they move through life.



elal
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24 Apr 2022, 11:37 am

U'll make it through, I promise. Hang in there.



klanka
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24 Apr 2022, 2:03 pm

I have the same instinct..to seek out the outcasts. Unfortunately the outcast group can often contain sociopaths etc. who are low-functioning enough not to be able to cover up their dysfunction. So always beware. I would say hang out with the nerds (ie autistic people) and not the general outcasts, and even then be careful.



sandbox1234
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19 May 2022, 2:47 am

oh it's never too late.

Find the other quiet girl in school, or the quieter girls and make friends with them. They're the girls that prefer one or one to two friends to hang out with instead of 15. The quieter ones in class, chat to them. They dont have to be "outcasts"

There is also nothing wrong with not having any friends at this point in your life. When I went to HS, I had 1 friend. I am NT. This was one friend I was really attached to (and that friendship fell apart btw)

After HS, I made heaps of friends... none are on that attached only friend level, but they're friends I can go out for lunch with, see movies with, friends at work etc.

Friends are so much easier to make after HS because people tend to stop trying to impress others so much and appreciate authenticity more

My suggestion is see if school has any clubs /sports/activities that you enjoy that you could join and join as many as possible. If you are good at school, consider tutoring others.

Other options include outside of school activities that are of interest to you so you can meet like minded people. Eg volunteering.



shortfatbalduglyman
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19 May 2022, 9:50 pm

Meetup dot com

I have had , at most, one "friend" (not the same one) for the majority of my "life "

Right now 39

All things equal, the more friends, the better

However not all things are equal

And how much better?

"Life" is not over just because you have zero friends

"Life" goes on and on and on and on and on