Why this « never give up » culture?

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Autistic men are unfortunately, more likely to be romantically unsuccessful for long periods of time compared to the neurotypical population. And the more autistic you appear, the more likely this is true.

Iv'e met A LOT of autistic men over the years; probably 40+ in my lifetime and I would say for many of them, through no fault of their own, dating is just going to be a lot harder. I would say the BIGGEST factors which determines if someone with autism will struggle with dating are the below:

- If you're a male (autistic men have it harder compared to autistic women)
- If you're overweight
- If you're a sub 5 on the looks scale (below a 5 on the 1-10 looks scale)
- If it's clear to most people that you're autistic or you come across as "special needs".

It's clichéd advice because people don't know what else to say or how else to help. Usually advice isn't always desired (understandably) so the next best thing is to encourage people by telling them not to give up.

It's cliched....but I believe wholeheartedly in it.

NEVER GIVE UP!

3 of these 4 problems can be overcome., or at least mitigated.

1. You probably can't and don't want to change this.
2. Lose the weight. Yes, it's very hard. Yes, it's more than just a physical problem. But lose the weight.
3. Change your looks. I don't mean cosmetic surgery, though that's possible if you can afford it. Grow a beard. Change your hairstyle. Wear different clothes. Get in better shape. Do whatever will help. What will help is sometimes hard to see for yourself, so ask someone you trust from the same generation.
4. If, like me, you can't or won't completely mask, accept the weirdness rather than apologizing for it. Confidence matters. Also, develop yourself. If you have other qualities--such as exceptional technical, artistic or athletic ability--people tend to forgive eccentricity.

I'm not a hopeless optimist--quite the opposite. I think all of these are realistic possibilities, depending on the person.

A fact:

« Nearly half of adults with autism live with a family member and about one in five is unemployed, according to a new analysis1. Only 5 percent have ever been married »

https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/jobs- ... utism/amp/

Not sure what severity level of autism of these subjects, but still a lot.

Also I noticed that 90% of married men here are married to someone outside their own culture/community.

They said due to the analysis being based off people assumed to have autism in the 80s, the autism was likely to be pretty severe.

Reading through it, the participants appear to be on the more severe end.

Still, a lot of people with diagnosed autism, struggle with dating, regardless of their functioning level.

Let's put it this way, if people with autism didn't struggle with dating, there would be no need for the show Love On The Spectrum which is a Netflix show which follows the dating lives of people with autism including helping people with autism find love which includes setting them up on dates with other people.


Unfortunately, autism is a MAJOR disadvantage in the dating game for many people. Are all autistic people going to struggle with dating? No, but it's enough people that it's a problem that should be addressed. The show Love On The Spectrum is helping to bring awareness to this issue.

Sometimes I wonder why that is. Maybe certain communities are more tolerant towards people who are seen as weird or strange so therefore, there are more "aspie friendly" communities out there that men looking to date might stand a better chance in.

I doubt most aspie guys would be successful in the bar/nightclub scene. That's mostly based on your physical appearance and your level of charisma and considering people with autism have a tendency to be introverted, nerdy, and less likely to take care of their appearance, they'd quickly be outclassed by better looking and more smooth talking men in that type of setting. I also don't think Tinder is good for most people with autism, the only exception is if you're good looking (an 8/10 or higher) and can pass for neurotypical.


In my opinion, meeting someone online and going the long distance route is the way to go for people with autism. Perhaps through a game, a site where people have shared interests, or an international dating website. For one thing, texting someone is less awkward than talking to someone in person which works to the autistic person's advantage. You'd still have to eventually talk face to face in video calls, but you can also do a lot of your communication through text too. Secondly, by willing to search long distance, you're able to greatly expand your options and increase your odds of finding someone you're truly compatible with.

I struggle immensely with dating for several reasons.

Firstly the type of women who might have an interest in me are not really my type and the ones I'd like to settle down with, yet alone have much interest in talking to them as little goes on in their lives.

Secondly I have trouble connecting with people. I'm closed off and emotionally distant but it's hard to tell if this is because of autism, because I'm just not interested in them, because of bad experiences in the past or because I'm just burned out but I assume it's all four.

Over the years I've learned to batten down the hatches and wait for the storm to blow over with revealing my personal life or emotions. If it's an NT revealing they had sex with someone, nobody cares, if it's an aspie then it appears to be a huge deal and talk of the town gossiping about the "freaks" actually boning. If I have a hobby, it's weird, if an NT has the same hobby, it's perfectly normal. At one point, I was pinned to the floor in a previous place of work and demanded I reveal my phone pin so they could nose at my pictures and messages.

Everything I do or say seems to come under much greater scrutiny than that of NT's so shutting the f**k up and becoming a pathological liar about my activities and personal life if the need arises has become second nature to me. The cliche of aspies being bad liars is incorrect. Many are proficient liars and with good reason.

Shame it makes dating and opening up incredibly difficult.

An important observation! Makes sense to me. After all, someone from another culture is less likely to judge your failure to conform to subtle, narrow cultural norms.

I would hazard a guess that most of the remaining married men are married to someone who is also autistic, or at least neurodivergent?

If things are not going well on one front, you have to think creatively and attack the problem from a different angle.

When I was on the conveyor belt of rejection in my own rather insular culture and the opportunity for something different but better suddenly popped up, I figured why not give it a try? It allowed me to move abroad, see the world and understand new ways of thinking. I would definitely recommend -- if the opportunity naturally arises -- to date internationally.

Over here I'm on equal terms with my NT peers. They're out of their natural habitat so unless they're social geniuses they struggle to accept the "other" way of behaving here (compared to your typical Western country), and end up depressed, broke and divorced, and have to go home. Since Aspies are used to learning social rules by analysis it isn't such a big step as you might imagine to adapt to the ways of a foreign spouse or country.

I'm married to a person "outside my culture."

However, I do not believe that my autism, or my other "eccentricities" preclude me from marrying someone "within my culture."

Everything is Awesome!

I used to be friends with a guy who nearly exactly matched that description, except that he had a more out-going personality, who has had multiple (albeit short-lived) relationships since high school. It honestly made me start resenting him after a while since he has literally nothing going for him (mid-20s, lives in his parents’ house, doesn’t work, doesn’t drive and refuses to use public transit or ride a bicycle, terrible eating habits, etc.).

I mean, a lot of people I've seen whining that they'll never have a date are still fairly young (I mean, I've seen guys as young as fifteen talking like this!) and not particularly unappealing romantic partners if they'd just put a little effort into improving their behavioral patterns and mindset. I've known people who were in similar circumstances to them at the same age and are married now. If someone is underestimating their actual prospects of finding a relationship, and would clearly be happier in a relationship, I think the kindest thing to do is encourage them to keep trying. After all, my Dad never got a date until several years into university, and he's now been happily married for over 30 years.

It's not that I think accepting being alone and living happily that way is inherently a bad option. After all, I'm aroace and plan to remain a single virgin my whole life. But if that life doesn't sound appealing to you, no sense resigning yourself to it prematurely.

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it could be that. it could also be that both (autistic men) and (people from other countries) find it extremely difficult to find someone to marry, so they end up marrying eachother.

furthermore, sometimes someone gets a visa through marriage. otherwise, they would have to return to their original country, because their visa expired.