What am I going to do with my life - rant / how are you tho?

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I’m 25. I dropped out of both state and city colleges due to emotional and situational challenges.

I got certificates in CNA and EMT hopeful for a decent paying position. Only $0.50 higher than minimum wage. *sigh*

I’ve spent the past 5 years doing this.

I’m now in a nursing program and I am experiencing low motivation.

I enjoy helping people. I love it when I’m able to use my analytical abilities to make new discoveries or observations others missed. But really, I need to be able to take care of myself. I can’t do that on minimum wage.

I’ve worked so hard to get into this program.
I am half way through and my growing apathy is hindering me.

I’m scared I won’t retain the information that I need. Most of my classmates don’t have the same experiences as me so my instructor goes over topics I’ve grown bored of. The information I really need is in the book but I get so exhausted from the busy work that I can hardly focus on what I do need. I don’t want to be poor and dependent. What about consistency makes it so hard?

I’ve just been so irritable.

I was diagnosed at 18 with a generalized mood disorder. I think I have BPD because my swings are related to triggers.

I have paranoid thinking. I have trouble feeling comfortable making friends because I always think they have some alternative motive to talk with me. I have delusional thinking with insight. I don’t have means to pay a therapist. I have SI. I do work in an emergency department. I have seen enough to decide I will just have to wait it out. This leaves me feeling heavy and tired.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life.

My husband is the opposite to me. He is absolutely incredible. Sometimes I wish he would leave me cuz I feel like I hold him back.

Climate is changing. Politicians threaten WWIII every 5 years.

I think this forum might be the only thing I’ve discovered that might help me get through.

That and I imagine that somewhere there is a quiet stream where a deer is drinking and a butterfly is fluttering around. I may not be there. But it’s happening somewhere. My imagination is strong enough that I am just shy of actually being there in this safe spot.

So yeah. That’s a reflection and a little introduction about myself. How are you doing today?