How many aspies have been in abusive relationships?

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What nature of relationship have you been involved in
I have only been in abusive relationships 17%  17%  [ 9 ]
I have never been in an abusive relationship, but have had normal relationships 11%  11%  [ 6 ]
I have been mostly in abusive relationships compared to normal ones 32%  32%  [ 17 ]
I have been in very few abusive relationships compared to normal ones 23%  23%  [ 12 ]
I have never had a relationship 17%  17%  [ 9 ]
Total votes : 53

Mona Pereth
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03 Apr 2022, 12:50 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
He told me what I wanted to hear a few times.

1. He flirted with for a whole month one time. Then the next time we go together he ignored me and flirted with another friend of mine. He also made it seem like he was choosing her over me before telling both of us that he didn’t have any romantic feelings.

2. He made it sound like he was interested in me romantically some years later. He would do things like have all the courage to talk to me at a convention. Of course I bought it.

A. I texted him and wished him happy birthday. Not long after, I heard from his roommate that he changed his phone number

B. The next time I saw him, he gaslit me

Hmmm, this doesn't sound to me like a "relationship" in the first place, abusive or otherwise. As you said in another post, it "never turned into anything serious."

It does sound like a very annoying tease. I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you.


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 03 Apr 2022, 1:40 am, edited 2 times in total.

Mona Pereth
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03 Apr 2022, 1:35 am

SendInTheClowns wrote:
I suspect that many aspies are targeted by narcisstic predators. Narcissists groom victims by telling them what they want to hear, especially people who have experienced long term invalidation (which is most AS people, perhaps all). These predators are extra good at manipulation, and AS people can tend to not suspect hidden agendas and red flags until the damage is done.

Probably so, for many autistic people.

But I've managed to avoid the narcissistic predators, at least for the most part. Here's how:

1) According to what I've read about them, abusive narcissists typically tend, even more than most people, to be heavily into the kind of conversation that revolves around mutual flattery. While I don't mind a little flattery, I've always been wary of the kind of person for whom the primary purpose of conversation was "either to butter someone up or to tear someone down," as I remember describing it when I was a little kid.

2) For me, apparently more so than for most people, having interests in common is a sine qua non of a friendship or relationship of any kind. Furthermore, I've always preferred people who were capable of -- and who deeply enjoyed -- deep analytical conversation about the shared interests. As far as I can tell, abusive narcissists are even less likely than most people to enjoy that kind of conversation. They might pretend to be into it for a little while, but are likely to tire of it quickly.

3) Luckily for me, I came of age in an era when there were a lot of popular magazine articles encouraging women to learn to be "assertive without being aggressive." I realized that I needed people in my life to be assertive, because I was/am lousy at picking up on subtle hints.

Of course, the above three attitudes of mine excluded not just most abusive narcissists, but a lot of "normal" people too. Which was fine with me, because I never got along well with most "normal" people anyway.


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 03 Apr 2022, 1:54 am, edited 4 times in total.

nick007
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03 Apr 2022, 1:45 am

klanka wrote:
Where the person voting is the one abused, not the other way around
I've been an abuser in all 3 relationships I had. However I am much less abusive in my current relationship partly due to a good psych med combo & (maybe) learning, growing, maturing, getting wiser (I hope).

Lots would consider my current girlfriend abusive. She has bad depression, bad anxiety, & is kinda unstable. Sh might have borderline personality disorder or rapid cycling bipolar along with other various things. Her behavior depends aLOT on her mood. When she gets upset, she takes it out on any family member who's around her at the time which is me half the time. She b!thes at me about things that really have noting to do with me & she asks/tells/demands me to help her but then she gets more angry whenever I suggest anything. I'm walking on eggshells when she gets like that. Sometimes the best thing for me to do is just be there & be quiet & not do anything. Other times it's best if I give her some space for a bite. I just walk away without saying anything & go in our room & get on computer or go to bed. I usually do that because I don't want to get mad & snap at her cuz we'd start arguing & blaming each other & that would just make things worse. It's better for both of us if I just bite my tongue & give her space for a bit. She usually calms down after a bit & is very apologetic.

I used to get very upset during those times & then snap at her which made things worse for both of us. We'd both end up feeling like total cr@p for upsetting the other. I've eventually come to realize that it usually really has nothing to do wtih me & it's easier for me to keep my cool as a result. I figure any relationship I could ever get would have some major problems sometimes. Most people would blame their partner for their relationship problems & they would start to harbor resentment towards them that just builds & builds every time a major problem arises. The difference with Cass is that 1ce she calms down, she blames herself instead of harboring resentment towards me. I'd feel horribly guilty & HATE myself if I really was failing my partner because I'm disabled & can never be independent & capable like a normal person. I'm probably a giant aHole because I'd much rather my partner blame herself instead of me.

I was very unstable during my two previous relationships partly due to BAD anxiety & BAD OCD. I fell into a psychotic depression when my 1st relationship fell apart & a lot of our problems were because of me. My 2nd relationship was kinda one-sided which was her side because she was still in school & dependent on her parents financially who were very traditonal. I had a very hard time dealing with that as well as being long distance in both those relationships. I took things out on them.

I HATED being like that & I tried working on myself in various ways since my 1st relationship ended. I was single for 8 years after that relationship ended & I know it woulda been a huge help for me if I had someone there for me who could relate & understand. It's a major reason me & Cass are a good match for each other. We understand & accept each other better than anybody else has. Plus being supportive is the main thing I can offer a romantic partner. Cass is usually VERY sweet & empathetic but a couple of her family members take major advantage of that & she tends to get screwed over in various ways with life. She reaches her breaking point & I'm there when she does. She believes that I'm smarter than her because I'm more level-headed & logical about making decisions. She's usually the one that makes decisions & I just give my input. There's been lots of times when she's realized after that things probably woulda been better if she had listened to me. BTW she has been seeing a psychiatrist for years now & she's tried counseling 3 different times in her life & has researched lots of psychology stuff. Whereas I've researched a bit of psychiatry & psych med stuff & made lots of progress partly as a result. I can be very difficult to live with & am demanding & have a need for some routine & predictability which can be a problem with Cass. I've gotten very upset with her in the past & we had lots of arguments & fights but I like to think & (hope) that I've made lots of progress with that.


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auntblabby
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03 Apr 2022, 2:25 am

Caz72 wrote:
yes, the one that got me pregnant he would pull me about,hit me,lock me in the cupboard.push me to the ground and walk on top me ,hurt me and if i shouted he would hit me in the face,and he would get all his friends around and use me as a slave he would make me sit in a corner and throw his poop at me everything you can think of he done

GOD that's HORRIBLE!! 8O :o :cry:



Summer_Twilight
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04 Apr 2022, 9:11 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
He told me what I wanted to hear a few times.

1. He flirted with for a whole month one time. Then the next time we go together he ignored me and flirted with another friend of mine. He also made it seem like he was choosing her over me before telling both of us that he didn’t have any romantic feelings.

2. He made it sound like he was interested in me romantically some years later. He would do things like have all the courage to talk to me at a convention. Of course I bought it.

A. I texted him and wished him happy birthday. Not long after, I heard from his roommate that he changed his phone number

B. The next time I saw him, he gaslit me

Hmmm, this doesn't sound to me like a "relationship" in the first place, abusive or otherwise. As you said in another post, it "never turned into anything serious."

It does sound like a very annoying tease. I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you.


It was more than annoying, it was more like a he treated me like a yo-yo. He not only led me on about dating but he also led me on about us being friends.

Then he would tell people behind my back. “I haven’t liked her for years and I am not her friend. Besides, she’s too fragile and takes everything the wrong way.”

To fair though, there is a reason why my former friend referred to him as, "Annoyingly cute," and now I know why.



Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 04 Apr 2022, 1:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Caz72
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04 Apr 2022, 11:13 am

auntblabby wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
yes, the one that got me pregnant he would pull me about,hit me,lock me in the cupboard.push me to the ground and walk on top me ,hurt me and if i shouted he would hit me in the face,and he would get all his friends around and use me as a slave he would make me sit in a corner and throw his poop at me everything you can think of he done

GOD that's HORRIBLE!! 8O :o :cry:


you dont know the half mate

he took away my alcohol and drugs.not to help me but so that i can be aware of everything he was doing to me
then when i found out i was accidentally pregnant i really wanted to protect my baby so i got in touch with my dad who came and saved me from him

the abusive bloke got custody of my son though but he never abused him as i think he felt more empathy with his child and maybe he realised .


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auntblabby
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05 Apr 2022, 1:58 am

Caz72 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
yes, the one that got me pregnant he would pull me about,hit me,lock me in the cupboard.push me to the ground and walk on top me ,hurt me and if i shouted he would hit me in the face,and he would get all his friends around and use me as a slave he would make me sit in a corner and throw his poop at me everything you can think of he done

GOD that's HORRIBLE!! 8O :o :cry:


you dont know the half mate

he took away my alcohol and drugs.not to help me but so that i can be aware of everything he was doing to me
then when i found out i was accidentally pregnant i really wanted to protect my baby so i got in touch with my dad who came and saved me from him

the abusive bloke got custody of my son though but he never abused him as i think he felt more empathy with his child and maybe he realised .

i'm glad you had a dad to rescue you from that at least.



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05 Apr 2022, 7:15 pm

auntblabby wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
yes, the one that got me pregnant he would pull me about,hit me,lock me in the cupboard.push me to the ground and walk on top me ,hurt me and if i shouted he would hit me in the face,and he would get all his friends around and use me as a slave he would make me sit in a corner and throw his poop at me everything you can think of he done

GOD that's HORRIBLE!! 8O :o :cry:


you dont know the half mate

he took away my alcohol and drugs.not to help me but so that i can be aware of everything he was doing to me
then when i found out i was accidentally pregnant i really wanted to protect my baby so i got in touch with my dad who came and saved me from him

the abusive bloke got custody of my son though but he never abused him as i think he felt more empathy with his child and maybe he realised .

i'm glad you had a dad to rescue you from that at least.


What you went through is extremely horrible and I'm sorry that happened to you.

I am glad you had a dad to count on. Really. Seriously. My dad was my first abuser. :-( I can't even imagine what it is like to have a parent who would come to your rescue.

But I am sorry that you lost your little boy to him. That is a soul cutting loss. I managed to keep my son, in the end, but eventually that didn't matter either.


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Caz72
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06 Apr 2022, 3:36 pm

blazingstar wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
yes, the one that got me pregnant he would pull me about,hit me,lock me in the cupboard.push me to the ground and walk on top me ,hurt me and if i shouted he would hit me in the face,and he would get all his friends around and use me as a slave he would make me sit in a corner and throw his poop at me everything you can think of he done

GOD that's HORRIBLE!! 8O :o :cry:


you dont know the half mate

he took away my alcohol and drugs.not to help me but so that i can be aware of everything he was doing to me
then when i found out i was accidentally pregnant i really wanted to protect my baby so i got in touch with my dad who came and saved me from him

the abusive bloke got custody of my son though but he never abused him as i think he felt more empathy with his child and maybe he realised .

i'm glad you had a dad to rescue you from that at least.


What you went through is extremely horrible and I'm sorry that happened to you.

I am glad you had a dad to count on. Really. Seriously. My dad was my first abuser. :-( I can't even imagine what it is like to have a parent who would come to your rescue.

But I am sorry that you lost your little boy to him. That is a soul cutting loss. I managed to keep my son, in the end, but eventually that didn't matter either.


i wasnt that close to my dad before and not close to my mum at all she kicked me out at 18 so i became homeless and turned to drink and drugs an sex and all that
was homeless for 10 years just sleeping at different guys houses usually too drunk or stoned to even know where i was
then i got with the abusive guy who gave me a home but it wasnt a happy home because he turned out abusive

i did see my son growing up but i when he was a baby i couldnt bear his crying ( he was a crier) and i got so distressed)by it that after going to court and everything his father got custody when he was 3 right up until 14 now at 16 he lives with me again but i did sometimes have him when he was growing up


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Summer_Twilight
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06 Apr 2022, 3:49 pm

Caz72 wrote:
blazingstar wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
yes, the one that got me pregnant he would pull me about,hit me,lock me in the cupboard.push me to the ground and walk on top me ,hurt me and if i shouted he would hit me in the face,and he would get all his friends around and use me as a slave he would make me sit in a corner and throw his poop at me everything you can think of he done

GOD that's HORRIBLE!! 8O :o :cry:


you dont know the half mate

he took away my alcohol and drugs.not to help me but so that i can be aware of everything he was doing to me
then when i found out i was accidentally pregnant i really wanted to protect my baby so i got in touch with my dad who came and saved me from him

the abusive bloke got custody of my son though but he never abused him as i think he felt more empathy with his child and maybe he realised .

i'm glad you had a dad to rescue you from that at least.


What you went through is extremely horrible and I'm sorry that happened to you.

I am glad you had a dad to count on. Really. Seriously. My dad was my first abuser. :-( I can't even imagine what it is like to have a parent who would come to your rescue.

But I am sorry that you lost your little boy to him. That is a soul cutting loss. I managed to keep my son, in the end, but eventually that didn't matter either.


i wasnt that close to my dad before and not close to my mum at all she kicked me out at 18 so i became homeless and turned to drink and drugs an sex and all that
was homeless for 10 years just sleeping at different guys houses usually too drunk or stoned to even know where i was
then i got with the abusive guy who gave me a home but it wasnt a happy home because he turned out abusive

i did see my son growing up but i when he was a baby i couldnt bear his crying ( he was a crier) and i got so distressed)by it that after going to court and everything his father got custody when he was 3 right up until 14 now at 16 he lives with me again but i did sometimes have him when he was growing up


What a nightmare and I am sorry your mom kicked you out at 18, shame on her.



auntblabby
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06 Apr 2022, 4:56 pm

Caz72 wrote:
i did see my son growing up but i when he was a baby i couldnt bear his crying ( he was a crier) and i got so distressed)by it that after going to court and everything his father got custody when he was 3 right up until 14 now at 16 he lives with me again but i did sometimes have him when he was growing up

how are you and your son now?



Imedatingayandere
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25 Apr 2022, 8:41 pm

too many to count

ever heard of Reiko ?

I dated one of his friends of unknowing at 18

I Have problems due to massive neglect where I want to be raped and obsessed over 24/7



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30 Apr 2022, 8:56 am

I've been hit on by abusive people, but I saw the red flags and noped out long before it could have progressed to a relationship.



IsabellaLinton
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30 Apr 2022, 11:32 am

Relationship #1 -
Lies, deceit, emotional and financial abuse, theft, slander, legal abuse, abuse of my children.
Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder (diagnosed)

Relationship #2 -
Lies, deceit, emotional and financial abuse, extortion, several personality disorders, abuse of my kids, theft, Break and Enter, addictions and alcoholism, physical and sexual abuse.

Relationship #3 -
Lies, deceit, emotional and psychological abuse, addictions, guilt-tripping, gaslighting.
(Brain injury and undiagnosed ASD / ADHD plus alcoholism and drug use)

Other Person #1 -
Physical and sexual violence. Mental, emotional and financial abuse. Lies. Deception. Humiliation. Objectification. Blackmail. Extortion. Identity theft. Attempted murder. Animal abuse. Criminal Psychopathy (diagnosed)

Other Person #2 -
Assault when I was a child.

Parent 1 -
Alcoholic, NPD.


It's been a hoot.

Wish I knew then what I know now.



Misslizard
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30 Apr 2022, 11:56 am

Victim of narcissistic abuse here, physical and mental.
I think I will stay single.


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30 Apr 2022, 12:08 pm

Misslizard wrote:
Victim of narcissistic abuse here, physical and mental.


Hugs Misslizard

Stay strong