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auntblabby
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04 May 2022, 4:15 am

An American and a Saudi businessman were flying in a light plane over the desert when the pilot had a heart attack and died. The American was completely distraught, fearful they were going to die, while Abdullah was quite calm. He told the American "My friend, there is nothing to worry about. I will merely leap from the plane and, praying to Allah, I will ask Allah to save me... and He will." With that Abdullah left the plane, while the American watched in fear as Abdullah called out "Allah is God and Mohammed is his prophet. Allah save me." The clouds opened and a great brown hand caught Abdullah and set him gently on the ground. The American figured "Ah, what the heck. May as well try...". He leapt from the plane, calling out "Allah is God and Mohammed is His prophet. Allah save me." The clouds opened and a great brown hand caught the American and set him gently on the ground. The American was so ecstatic, he jumped up and yelled "Praise Jesus Christ, I'm alive."

...the clouds opened and a great brown foot squashed him flat



Brainiac42
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05 May 2022, 10:55 pm

auntblabby wrote:
A shy man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.
Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "what the hell is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the $ђ!+ out of a ghost!"


Haha!!



Brainiac42
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05 May 2022, 11:00 pm

lostonearth35 wrote:
People that have been gazing at the portrait of Mona Lisa, pondering her mysterious smile, have been coming down with a mild illness that causes symptoms such as coughing, sneezing, a sore throat and a stuffy nose.

They're calling it "The Da Vinci Cold".


Haha!! This took me a second



auntblabby
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05 May 2022, 11:03 pm

There was this motorist that ran out of gas and was sitting n the side of a very empty highway. Occasionally, someone would see the car, but was unable to help. Finally, a bee comes flying up to the car, and sits on the edge of the side window and asks the driver what's wrong. The driver tell the bee he ran out of gas, and what could he, the bee do about it? The bee says, I'll be back in half an hour. Half an hour later, the bee comes back with his swarm. The bee tells the car owner to remove the cap from the gas fill tube. The owner does so, and the swarm goes down the filler tube. 10 minutes later, the swarm comes back up the filler tube and flies back to the hive. The bee that brought the swarm to the car tells the owner to start his car's engine. The driver does so, and the car starts. Astounded, the owner of the car asks the bee how this was possible. "What", says the bee, "you never heard of BP?"



Brainiac42
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05 May 2022, 11:25 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I love knock knock jokes. :lol:
A few I made up:-

Knock knock
Who's there?
Sonya
Sonya who?
Sonya back!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur Christ sake!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
Exterminate!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Alison
Alison who?
Alison wonderland


I thoroughly enjoyed all of these.



auntblabby
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05 May 2022, 11:57 pm

A couple had identical twins. They decided to give them up for adoption. The first twin was adopted by a Spanish family, who named him Juan. The second twin was adopted by a Middle Eastern family, who named him Amal. A couple years later, the couple received a photo of Juan in the mail from his adoptive family. The mom was happy, but remarked that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. The dad said, "Why does it matter? If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"



Brainiac42
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06 May 2022, 1:44 am

auntblabby wrote:
A couple had identical twins. They decided to give them up for adoption. The first twin was adopted by a Spanish family, who named him Juan. The second twin was adopted by a Middle Eastern family, who named him Amal. A couple years later, the couple received a photo of Juan in the mail from his adoptive family. The mom was happy, but remarked that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. The dad said, "Why does it matter? If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"


Lol!!



auntblabby
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06 May 2022, 2:13 am

An Allied pilot is shot down over Germany and bails out as his plane disintegrates around him. When the Germans capture him, they find that he is badly injured with two broken legs and a broken arm. One leg must be amputated immediately, so they break this news to the pilot, who asks: "Please have one of your people drop this over one of our airfields so it can be given a proper burial in my own homeland." The chivalrous German officer agrees. Later, it becomes necessary to remove the Allied pilot's second leg, to which he makes the same request, which is granted. Finally, wounded man's arm also becomes gangrenous, so must be removed. He makes the same plea, except that, this time, his request is denied. "Why not?" "Because", the German officer replies, shrewdly, "we think you are trying to escape."



naturalplastic
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07 May 2022, 10:56 pm

auntblabby wrote:
An Allied pilot is shot down over Germany and bails out as his plane disintegrates around him. When the Germans capture him, they find that he is badly injured with two broken legs and a broken arm. One leg must be amputated immediately, so they break this news to the pilot, who asks: "Please have one of your people drop this over one of our airfields so it can be given a proper burial in my own homeland." The chivalrous German officer agrees. Later, it becomes necessary to remove the Allied pilot's second leg, to which he makes the same request, which is granted. Finally, wounded man's arm also becomes gangrenous, so must be removed. He makes the same plea, except that, this time, his request is denied. "Why not?" "Because", the German officer replies, shrewdly, "we think you are trying to escape."

:lol:

Now...THERE is an idea!

If youre ever stuck in a penitentiary you can show the warden the "organ doner" status on your driver's license. And then proceed to get surgury to donate your body parts, one by one, to various organ banks. Eye bank, liver bank, etc.

Then your loved ones outside of prison can obtain these organs from the organ banks, and one by one, hire doctors to to stitch them all back together, and rebuild you outside of prison! :D

Makes sense to me!



auntblabby
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07 May 2022, 11:13 pm

^^for some reason that reminds me of that baseball player that has his head cryogenically preserved in some organ bank in arizona.



naturalplastic
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07 May 2022, 11:54 pm

auntblabby wrote:
^^for some reason that reminds me of that baseball player that has his head cryogenically preserved in some organ bank in arizona.


:eew:

Am not familiar with that.



auntblabby
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07 May 2022, 11:56 pm

naturalplastic wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
^^for some reason that reminds me of that baseball player that has his head cryogenically preserved in some organ bank in arizona.


:eew:

Am not familiar with that.

ted williams, in 2002. his head was decapitated from his body and both separately frozen for some odd reason.



Joe90
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08 May 2022, 6:11 pm

What does Putin put in the bath?
Bath bombs.


_________________
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On antidepressants
Diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and mild ASD

I don't like autism being mentioned to me as I'm partly in denial.


auntblabby
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08 May 2022, 7:56 pm

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."



Matrix Glitch
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10 May 2022, 4:33 am

What do you call a pig that does karate?

a pork chop



Takatomon
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10 May 2022, 2:28 pm

I'm playing a game where sometimes there's a field, and there's a scarecrow in the middle.

If you go "talk" to the scarecrow, it says:

"He's out standing in his field."