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lostonearth35
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09 Aug 2022, 3:44 pm

In North America, people call it an elevator. In the UK, people call it a lift.

Must be because they were raised in two different places.



Fnord
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09 Aug 2022, 4:23 pm

I always hesitate before stepping on an escalator.

It is either up to something or it is going to let me down.


A man is standing the wrong way on an escalator.
"Ahh . . . this takes me back", he says to himself.


What happens when an escalator stops moving?
Everyone stops and stairs.


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Joe90
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10 Aug 2022, 4:41 pm

Why do you have to shout to the grim reaper?
Because he's death.


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CockneyRebel
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21 Aug 2022, 5:21 am

How long does CockneyRebel listen to Lionel Ritchey during a heat wave?

All Night Long


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Matrix Glitch
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21 Aug 2022, 9:48 am

You know what they call ice cream made with goat's milk?

ice cream



CockneyRebel
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21 Aug 2022, 3:37 pm

Who can drink a gallon of gas?

Jerry can


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lostonearth35
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27 Aug 2022, 9:05 pm

Two birds are sitting on a tree branch. One bird says to the other, "I don't know why my stomach is so full of butterflies right now." The other bird says, "Maybe it was those caterpillars you ate this morning."



BreathlessJade
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01 Sep 2022, 9:06 pm

family of birds stop on a branch to decide which direction to go

Dad bird: my instincts tell me we should go left
Mom bird: my instincts tell me we should go right
Child bird: well, my "end stinks" too but it's not telling me anything



BreathlessJade
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01 Sep 2022, 9:18 pm

lostonearth35 wrote:
In North America, people call it an elevator. In the UK, people call it a lift.

Must be because they were raised in two different places.

yeah like what US calls "Fries" uk calls "Chips" :)



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01 Sep 2022, 9:26 pm

lostonearth35 wrote:
Two birds are sitting on a tree branch. One bird says to the other, "I don't know why my stomach is so full of butterflies right now." The other bird says, "Maybe it was those caterpillars you ate this morning."

:lol: :lol:



lostonearth35
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19 Sep 2022, 10:37 am

BreathlessJade wrote:
lostonearth35 wrote:
In North America, people call it an elevator. In the UK, people call it a lift.

Must be because they were raised in two different places.

yeah like what US calls "Fries" uk calls "Chips" :)


We call them fries in Canada as well. We also call soccer "football", and Canadian football is quite similar to American football. But we normally just call it "hockey" and not "ice hockey". Ice hockey just sounds weird and redundant, like if people called it "water swimming" or "snow skiing". :lol:



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25 Sep 2022, 6:19 am

What do you call an autistic soldier?

Sgt. Schultz


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lostonearth35
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26 Sep 2022, 12:51 pm

Q:Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Because if they walked, it would take forever.



auntblabby
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12 Oct 2022, 10:19 pm

Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper that sold his soul to Santa?



naturalplastic
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14 Oct 2022, 3:20 am

lostonearth35 wrote:
Two birds are sitting on a tree branch. One bird says to the other, "I don't know why my stomach is so full of butterflies right now." The other bird says, "Maybe it was those caterpillars you ate this morning."



What did the caterpillar say when it saw a butterfly?


"You'll never get ME into one of THOSE!"



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14 Oct 2022, 6:03 am

It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.

None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.

He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.

The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?"

So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.

"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.

"Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.

"That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?"

The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"