Am I Right In This? Being Popular.

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For me to try and be popular often takes effort in heavy masking and I can't keep it up for long before I end up withdrawn and a recluse (Usually after masking breaks down and I end up a victim of bullying)... And I have seen this process repeat again and again.
Is not that I disslike people though when I have retreated in the past I have had times of not being able to trust anyone until I logically work out who is for me and wo was against me and who I can trust and so on...

But many people do not seem to get issues and are just popular without doing anything to be popular. They just are!

Before I knew the term "Masking" I still knew I did it and I, being a bit of a loner would look at those who seemed to be popular without effort on their behalf and think they were experts at this (Masking) and my efforts failed and were not good enough to enable me to be like them.

I spent most of my life trying to "Fit in" and not be "Discovered" as being different. I used to dread being asked by teachers to show work on blackboards or to show my work etc as to me all my efforts were to not draw attention to myself so I could somehow be "Normal"... This meant hiding.... This meant not having my traits discovered. (I did not know that they were called traits).
I was often told off for stimming. I did not know what this was called except for the term used called "Fidgiting" and this would highly embariss me when caught especially due to me often being unaware that I was doing anything.
I spent most of my life through sheer willpower to train myself not to stim as it would get me into trouble and I once reached the point in the latter half of my 30's where I actually had conquored all stimms (I knew nothing about autism) but then I hit serious problems. I hit what was either a serious burnout or some sort of a breakdown and I have hit several since so do not stop stims. Yes, convert stimms so they are more hidden but do not stop them. You need to stim!

But going back to being popular. I never have been as though I was well known through my masking in humour, as I used a warped sense of humour to mask... I also acted thick to enhance the masking effect which would protect me for when I would be either socially awkward or when I did things which were due to me not picking up on hints or taking common phrazes as actual terms (E.g. "Pull your socks up" where I would have teachers angry when young for doing just what I was told... No one explained to me what the term meant but I have had many different examples of this in my past where acting thick mask in normal life when around groups of people (E.g. in school or college) would hide the embarissment when I did do something wrong by not understanding the terms).

So maybe I was never meant to be popular, but this means I became a loner which may seem where I fit but was a lonely position to be as though I do not fit in, it does not mean I want to be alone either!

The good thing is that sometimes one can find a friend who understands. These are rare people to find. Very rare. Maybe one in a hundred or one in a thousand? May find one every decade or half decade of ones life? These are real people who are "Odd" in that they have their own odd things about their character and yet I can relate to them even though I may not do what they do.
Oddly I can find better friendship in a society cast offs then in the thousands of people society thinks well of and acdepts.
It is funny in life like this sometimes. But what I am saying is that while I have never been popular I do admire those who are as how do they do it without trying? I treat others far better then they do and yet why can't I do it?
In the past I reasoned that maybe it was because the popular ones would treat people badly that they had their popularity but nope. Tried that. It lost me a past friend or two. It does not work at all! It is not that!
So what is it?
(And ok, I could not cope with lots of people around me to be honest like others can. I just wanted to try and work out how they are able to do it! What methods do they use? How do they work?)

So there are a lot of unanswered questions. Asking popular people does not work. They do not know how they do it either!! ! They honestly don't as any suggestions they make do not work when in the past I tried to do them. They honestly do not know their secret ways of how they are able to do this! They just "Are" as someone once told me when I asked, and I can't explain it....Except....

There was once something my Mum said when we were walking past a neighbour and they happened to be there to talk to and I was in conversation and my Mum said "You are supposed to talk about what other people want to talk about and not talk an entire conversation about yourself (Or trains etc)" and without thinking I said "But Mum, I know nothing about horses!" (She keeps horses and all their family love horses).
I have a problem with this. My mind goes blank if I try to talk about other things.
So anyway.... Maybe that is the key, but to be honest I have watched popular people and they talk about the things they want to talk about so this does not always work.
So to conclude, the best answer that fits the question the best in how people can be so popular is just that "They ARE".
I do not pretend to understand this! But it is the only explination that I can come up with! They just "Are"...

And with this I have explored this question as far as I can go.

Some people just give good vibes, vibes that attract people and put them at ease. Most people do not.

There's also extra/introversion to consider. Extraverts will have it easier to become popular, because engaging with people won't drain them as it does introverts. They have more slack, so they can interact with more people.

Thank you for the reply.

I've never been popular. But, a few (very few) good friends over the years.

Mainly I've tried to make my way through life with as little unhappiness as possible.

I have tried to develop a dry humor but I don't think it as hiding my oddness. Just getting it tolerated.

There was a prophecy about Jesus that when he would be born there would be nothing about him that would commend him to us. I have always taken this to mean he would not physically be an impressive figure. I think this shows a little of the importance of physical appearance in popularity. Consider the importance of good hair to worldly success.

Another characteristic might be called "grace" often seen in smooth physical movement. Someone who is always smiling also imparts an impression of being in control (also may mean ignorance is bliss).

However, if one considers comedians, it can be observed that being entertaining can be substituted for some components of physical attractiveness to obtain popularity.

Popularity also can be defined by circumstances. There was a Harold Robbins movie where Howard Hughes was asked by a reporter who he would like to be stranded with on a desert island. His answer was, "The worlds best boat builder". People with a unique or essential skill can occasionally be popular, but usually only as long as the circumstances last.

Being wealthy or famous can also contribute to popularity.

People liked to be listened to.....they don't like to be questioned.

Popular people usually listen, and don't express overt skepticism to people they don't agree with.

Hi Mountain Goat.
Let me see if I can explain this. Aspies and NTs communicate differently. Aspies can talk about their favorite subjects for hours and hours and hours on end. But NTs do not. They will begin talking about something and then after a few minutes switch to an entirely different subject and then a few minutes later onto another subject and so on. So within 30 minutes of conversation they may discuss several different topics.

My problem as an Aspie is that I cannot tell when they have switched to a different topic. My mind works a little slower and when I finally decide to join a conversation, the group has moved onto another topic and I am out of place. They will look at me strange and then continue on with their new area of conversation. As a result, most of the time, I do not join verbal conversations.

Now on the other hand there seems to be a different rule when it comes to written conversations. I can and will write whatever I want and put in as much detail as I want. And some people will actually read my perspective.

Written communication is more formal and organized than spoken communication.

One on one you do not have this problem.

*adds to my notes on autism-as-slower-deeper-processing*

I probably do a bit of chameleonism but I'm more interested in using other ways to get on with people. As far as I'm concerned, it's about looking for mutual benefit when I'm with others. If we've got a common purpose then we'll probably do well together. If not, then what's the point? As for "masking," if other people's expectations make sense to me then I don't really see it as masking if I tailor my self-presentation to fit. For example, I understand why people feel suspicious of people who behave strangely, why they don't like people who aren't interested in their well-being, why they don't want to listen to a long data-dump they didn't ask for. Complying with that kind of thing just seems to me a normal part of maturing. Some expectations don't make sense to me, and if it's uncomfortable for me to pander to those, that's something I'm less likely to do. I try to understand, but sometimes I just run out of patience and sympathy for them, and to comply then makes me feel I'm letting them and myself down.

I don't often do well in groups of any appreciable size, so I tend to avoid them and just do one-on-one, which is much easier.

I'd never mask to be popular - it wouldn't be me who was liked, but just the character I played. My ex was so messed up that way that she even took her fake personality in for therapy, which of course couldn't touch it.

I had no desire to be popular. This "popular" thing meant giving up everything I loved and becoming someone I wasn't. I just wanted to be liked and have at least one friend but that didn't work out so well either. I also wanted to stop being hurt at school and punished for defending myself. I don't think I knew how to mask.

Even as an adult I don't care about this popularity thing. My special interests are my life.

I met a few people because I was interesting, and I was interesting because of special interests. People who have many friends complain that often, those friends can't remember the first thing about them. What Facebonk calls a friend is usually just a "previously encountered entity."

I agree, Id even say people who are popular tend to tell others what they like to hear.

This is something I am not quite as good at if their likes are outside the comfort zone of what I like I am lost. I have to turn their conversations around to things I can relate to which are usually trains so that we have some common ground to talk about something.
It does not need to be trains. I can talk about bicycles or cars as well... It is surprizing how many things relate to trains as spending time working on the railways one has pretty much seen almost everything!
All sorts of people. Tall, short, all sorts of races... All sorts of characters... Batman, Robin, Elvis... They have all been on the trains I worked! And I had the art of selling them a ticket and making them feel good about it. Even drunk people would feel like they had a bargain when I would tell them that in 50 years time the ticket would become valuable, especially if the world ended or something like that. They were amazed when I told them, and went away in awe often shaking their heads in dissbelief in how valuable and special the ticket I had sold them was! I could even go into detail of the various other hole punches that they would encounter on route if they were on a long journey. Most people found me fascinating and went quiet as I told them the details they never knew were on what they thought was a simple ticket! And some of them were trying to miss out on the opportunity to buying one!

Yes. Railways and trains are a great tool to start conversations and I met all sorts of people during my time. One man said he was Long John Silver and said his mate was his parrot. Another drunk man said he was from the SBS and had come down to the area to kill his wife. One man said he had a bomb on board as he wanted to try to get into prison as he was homeless and needed to get there to survive the winter. (I knew what he was doing so I chatted to him about things to cheer him up).
All sorts of interesting people.
Oh. Batman and Robin were funny. They came on board on an evenings train and the next stop which was a stop or two away from where they intended to go, a policeman was trying to arrest someone on the station. They jumped out to help and I said "Don't you want to go to your next stop?" They said "No. This is more fun!"
But all sorts of people I met from people who tried to hide in the toilet so I locked them in so they would miss their stop (Hehe!), to people who would come on the train just to chat to me.
One elderly man used to ask me and others what my shifts were so he could join the train and chat. He was in his 90's. A nice man. We enjoyed our conversations. He later died of old age but he was happy. Lots of nice people.

It depends whether I like the people around me as to whether I'll make an effort to befriend them or not.

Sometimes it's a work of art to keep people at a distance whilst at the same time remain approachable.

To me being popular means you get invited to events etc so this is something I would avoid unless (like I said before) I was particularly keen on the people who could potentially invite me to an event.