Is this normal for someone on the spectrum?

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Laura86
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04 Apr 2022, 12:05 am

Hi everyone,

I'm 35 years old (female) diagnosed with ASD as an adult and am presumably asexual. I can't cope with intimacy or with getting attached to only one person (male or female), can't handle kissing and am repulsed by the idea of sex (even though I know logically there is nothing wrong with sex). I am just not interested in a relationship and feel like the sexual part of me never developed.

Anyhow, today I had a "what if" moment and wondered what would happen if I got a boyfriend. My first instinct was to panic that I would lose friendships and lose the care I get from my family and friends. Is it normal for an adult on the spectrum to be wary of relationships because they feel relationships are too "adult" and that they still need to be looked after (though not completely like a child because I love caring for my baby nephew)? I feel comfortable with my life the way it is, and only feel comfortable living with my family and having a few close friends.

So my question is whether it is normal for an autistic adult to avoid relationships because they still have a bit of "child" in themselves? Would missing my female friends if I were in a relationship make me a lesbian rather than an asexual? I have no romantic or sexual interest in these female friends but still fear losing them.

Any help here will be greatly appreciated!

Thanks
Laura.



HighLlama
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04 Apr 2022, 3:10 am

Quote:
My first instinct was to panic that I would lose friendships and lose the care I get from my family and friends.


Exploring this fear might put you at ease. Perhaps it's not being a child that you seek, but having too many connections. A partner would make it difficult to keep the connections you prefer. It sounds like a relationship would require all your energy, which you instead spread out among friends and family.

It also sounds like your fear has more to do with having a relationship, and all the things you don't like about them. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way, or preferring your friendships and family connections. Do people put pressure on you to find a boyfriend, or is this just your own fear?

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Would missing my female friends if I were in a relationship make me a lesbian rather than an asexual?


No, because you're not drawn to them erotically or romantically.



klanka
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04 Apr 2022, 5:05 am

I think I avoided serious relationships for a while because I considered them to be confining, or like a trap.
Then I got married and it was terrible, so now I'm a commitment phobe once again. :D



kraftiekortie
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05 Apr 2022, 7:26 am

I hope I didn't offend anybody.

All I said, really, is that not having sexual desire doesn't Laura less of a person.

I have sexual desire----but not everybody is me.

I spoke about how it was difficult at first-----that the "sex act" didn't really inspire me until I gained experience.

Sex is not the "be-all/end-all" in life. There are many aspects of life which are either as pleasurable, or more pleasurable, than sex.



Laura86
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05 Apr 2022, 7:34 am

Thanks everyone! My family is not pressuring me into a relationship at all- the pressure is coming from myself. I think the "confining" idea might also be a factor. I ended my most recent relationship after two months because I found it too suffocating. Maybe I just need too much space.



kraftiekortie
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05 Apr 2022, 7:38 am

If you don't desire sex, don't force yourself into it. Failure is inevitable under these circumstances.



NK82
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05 Apr 2022, 10:08 am

I feel a similar way to what you had posted, Laura! When dating, I used to be apprehensive about the act of intimacy, and I still do today to a lesser extent. It took me many years (and my husband's help) to realize the "adult" aspect to relationships is ok (I used to avoid anything mildly risqué and only liked anything that appeared wholesome).

In the early stages of our relationship, my husband (who is the same age as me) routinely mentioned that he felt like he was my "dad" in the relationship. It took me a long time to slowly transition into a relationship of equals



Muse933277
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05 Apr 2022, 11:02 am

Laura86 wrote:
Hi everyone,

Is it normal for an autistic adult to avoid relationships because they still have a bit of "child" in themselves?
Laura.


No that’s just you.