Is this normal for someone on the spectrum?

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Hi everyone,

I'm 35 years old (female) diagnosed with ASD as an adult and am presumably asexual. I can't cope with intimacy or with getting attached to only one person (male or female), can't handle kissing and am repulsed by the idea of sex (even though I know logically there is nothing wrong with sex). I am just not interested in a relationship and feel like the sexual part of me never developed.

Anyhow, today I had a "what if" moment and wondered what would happen if I got a boyfriend. My first instinct was to panic that I would lose friendships and lose the care I get from my family and friends. Is it normal for an adult on the spectrum to be wary of relationships because they feel relationships are too "adult" and that they still need to be looked after (though not completely like a child because I love caring for my baby nephew)? I feel comfortable with my life the way it is, and only feel comfortable living with my family and having a few close friends.

So my question is whether it is normal for an autistic adult to avoid relationships because they still have a bit of "child" in themselves? Would missing my female friends if I were in a relationship make me a lesbian rather than an asexual? I have no romantic or sexual interest in these female friends but still fear losing them.

Any help here will be greatly appreciated!

Thanks
Laura.

You won't be treated differently by your family just because you have a boyfriend, but you may change yourself without realising. It happened to me. I met my boyfriend when I was 24, and ever since then I have matured quite a lot and also no longer had a desire for obsessions any more (I used to base my life on obsessions with certain people before).

Also you shouldn't lose your friends just because you have a boyfriend (if you get one), and if you do, missing them isn't gay at all. I used to get obsessions with women (called a heterosexual crush or something) but it still didn't make me gay.

So just relax, you are worrying about nothing here. I don't know if it's normal for Aspies, but the fact that you don't understand the differences between attachments with your friends and homosexuality means you might be lacking some social understandings, which can happen when you're on the spectrum.

Thanks Joe. I know it's common for females on the spectrum to tend to have one/few "mother hen" friends at a time, and that's what my friendships tend to be like. I just worry that I need to make myself "grow up" or that my friendships/family relationships aren't "right".

There are worse approaches to relationships than caution.

Aspergers (I am reluctant to use the expanded definition of autism) often manifests with developmental delays. As a result of using different strategies to minimize anxiety, people with Aspergers may find that this makes them somewhat slower to develop intimate relationships.

In contrast, those driven more by hormonal passions can find a series to broken relationships. Take things at the pace you feel comfortable with.

Thanks Tim. It possibly is a developmental delay or even a halt in development.

Not necessarily.

Maybe you're just not sexually-inclined. I really wasn't "sexually-inclined" until I acquired sexual experience. It was sort of a rough go at first.

Or maybe, just maybe, you haven't found the "right person" yet. There are "normal" people who don't feel sexual urges until they meet that "right person."

I happen to enjoy sex, intimacy, etc. with women.....but not everybody is me.

Not feeling sexual desire doesn't make you "less" of a person. The best sex is that which is performed when it is desired, rather than when it is "obligatory."

Wow, what a strange question. Since I am a male, I am not sure that I can answer your particular question. But I will try and give it a go.

I am a male. Sex is a strong driver in males. I didn't start dating to any large degree until after I graduated from college and started my career. It took me several years but I eventually found a young woman from the other side of the world and we married. We have been married for over 45 years and had two children who then married and produced 5 grandchildren. They all turned out fine. But I am an Aspie. Essentially I am a young child inside.

I consider getting married to my wife, one of the best decisions that I ever made. But I am a male. So I do not think I can offer the same advice to a female, especially one that finds sex being unattractive or maybe even painful.

It sounds like you are a personality between that of myself (needy, sexual) and my BFF (solitaire, asexual). I've always had a partner to "care" for me. Kind of a Benny and Joon thing. My ASD BFF first dated in her mid 30s. In her 40s she found a long-term male partner. We remain friends despite our wildly different personalities and relationship styles.

Good luck exploring this subject/experience for yourself!!

Hi Laura!

A website you might find helpful: the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN).

An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction.

Asexuals are in the minority among autistic people. Also, there are plenty of asexuals who are not autistic. But autistic people are more likely than non-autistic people to be asexual.

Hello! I can relate to what you say a little.
I don't think i am asexual but i also do feel like i am too much of a child to have a relationship. Since i didn't even have friends pretty much all my life,i feel like it's not appropriate for me to have a relationship and that it will be unhealthy.
I also feel underdeveloped in this area.

I'm not asexual but do struggle with intimacy, mainly emotional intimacy. I very much relate to feeling like a child in relationships with others. I feel like I have a big 'mother complex' that I've never properly moved on from. This may be due to trauma although I have worked through it to a large extent. I definitely feel like I haven't really grown up and the adult world is too much to deal with.

This is the first time I'm hearing of something like this, but if you feel like you're not ready for a relationship because you feel yourself to be too much like a child, then there's nothing wrong with not seeking for a relationship. In fact, it might actually be a responsible thing to do. Take your time to grow up and mature, and look for a relationship later on when it feels like a good idea. If you want one, of course; not everyone is interested in having a relationship, and that's fine, too.

If you have no romantic or sexual interest in women, then you're not a lesbian. It's normal for straight people to miss their friends of the same gender. Not that getting in to a relationship would automatically mean losing them, either.



Demisexuality?

Besides asexual there is aromantic.

To be a lesbian you have to be exclusively sexually or romantically attracted to females.

All of these preferences and identities are spectrums also.

It is not uncommon for autistics to be attracted to people but have sensory sensitivities (particularly touch and smell) get in the way of acting on the attractions.

It is not uncommon for autistic people to be late in figuring out one's preferences and identities in these matters.