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dorkseid
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13 Apr 2022, 3:04 pm

I've been abused, bullied, and gaslighted my entire life. Even by my own family.

I had planned to end my life years ago. My mother told me things would get better if I give them some time. That over 13 years ago and still nothing is better. I was a fool to believe her lies.

I've decided to rectify my foolish mistake. My 40th birthday is in May. I've decided I'm going to end my life before then. My mind is made up and I will not be persuaded otherwise.



The_Walrus
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14 Apr 2022, 11:06 am

In all honesty, there is no guarantee that things will get better. There can be hope - your natural lifespan is another 30-40 years, which gives a lot of opportunity for things to improve - but no certainty. I’d advise trying to get some professional advice.

One thing that helps me is giving blood. When I’m not feeling good, I basically view myself as a machine for helping other people live, people who do want to live. Maybe that’s something you could look into.

Another strategy is taking life one day at a time. The future is overwhelming. Today is manageable.



UncannyDanny
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14 Apr 2022, 11:34 am

....

Wow, I....don't really know what to say. :(

I really think you should get some help, like see a psychiatrist.

Hey, my life is pretty bad, too, and I too had thoughts about ending my life as well. But there were also some positives I've had recently that I made me change my mind.

We all go through hell one way or another, yes, but I've probably been through much, MUCH worse than you have, DS.

What positive thing have YOU encountered recently?


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Rossall
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14 Apr 2022, 1:30 pm

I had similar thoughts aged 21 with a good job and no real reason to be depressed. Luckily for me I didn't go through with it (had thoughts of crashing my car into a motorway bridge).

I've found this book helpful: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Think-Happines ... 0859696030

Particularly the ABC of thinking:

Actual event
Belief system
Emotional consequence

ie-you are as you think. Being treated unfairly is just part of life and you need to try and accept it calmly rather than getting worked up over it.



dorkseid
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14 Apr 2022, 5:05 pm

70-80 is the lifespan for someone with a healthy social and family life. Research has confirmed that lonely people has significantly shorter lifespans.

I've been to several psychiatrists. I have been seeing psychiatrists for over a decade. If that was effective, we wouldn't be here having this discussion.

@Danny: you cannot know which of us has had a worse life. But arguing that is pointless and I have no interest in doing so.

I'm not 21; I'm 40. And I still have nothing.

I have not encountered anything positive in decades.



Mountain Goat
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14 Apr 2022, 5:24 pm

Don't kill yourself. You are needed.



The_Walrus
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14 Apr 2022, 5:40 pm

You obviously created this post for a reason. I'm glad that you did (although I'd rather you didn't feel this way at all). So what was that reason? Do you find the act inherently cathartic, or did you deep down have some other motive?

Similarly, setting a date in the future. This is generally a sensible move - it does not make sense to kill oneself because of a transient mood, so setting a future date ensures that you're not just acting on a whim. But a lot of people do act on their whims, particularly if they are in truly unbearable pain.

I don't know very much about you, but do you think it is possible that you could, indeed, continue to survive? If you're going to make it through another day, what about one more after that? If you're going to make it through another week, can you make it through another week after that? And so forth.



dorkseid
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15 Apr 2022, 7:33 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
Don't kill yourself. You are needed.


If that's true, then explain why nobody would ever give me a decent job even though I've had a university degree since 2008. Explain why no woman has ever wanted to date me unless it was just to take advantage of my disabilities.



dorkseid
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15 Apr 2022, 7:36 am

The_Walrus wrote:
I don't know very much about you,


You don't say.

Yet, what you recently claimed to know about me is substantial. Let's put a pin it that for now. I'll get back to it soon.



kraftiekortie
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15 Apr 2022, 10:36 am

I understand you’re angry about what has gone on in life.

I know you’re in student loan debt. I’m in debt, too.

If you work in a public service capacity, like being a public school teacher, you can get full loan forgiveness after 10 years of on-time payments. There’s also the possibility of loan forgiveness for all student loan holders.

You have people who like you. I feel like that’s more important even than romance. And you have your kids, too.

I would trade a good friend for a fleeting romance any day.



babybird
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15 Apr 2022, 11:43 am

dorkseid wrote:
I've been abused, bullied, and gaslighted my entire life. Even by my own family.

I had planned to end my life years ago. My mother told me things would get better if I give them some time. That over 13 years ago and still nothing is better. I was a fool to believe her lies.

I've decided to rectify my foolish mistake. My 40th birthday is in May. I've decided I'm going to end my life before then. My mind is made up and I will not be persuaded otherwise.


That's sad. Its really horrible to feel so hopeless and you're right it's not a competition of who's had the worst life with the most trying times. I feel sorry for you.

I really hope you don't follow through with this. You do have people who care about you here on WP and believe it or believe it not but you are appreciated and you will be missed.



Rossall
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15 Apr 2022, 3:39 pm

dorkseid wrote:
I've been abused, bullied, and gaslighted my entire life. Even by my own family.
If people aren't treating you well tell them to get lost. You don't need them.

Try making a list of positives: you've presumably got a roof over your head unlike the poor sods in Ukraine. Food and water and your physical health is presumably ok.



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15 Apr 2022, 4:24 pm

dorkseid wrote:
Mountain Goat wrote:
Don't kill yourself. You are needed.


If that's true, then explain why nobody would ever give me a decent job even though I've had a university degree since 2008. Explain why no woman has ever wanted to date me unless it was just to take advantage of my disabilities.


I am a single guy in his late 50's. I have never been married and am still waiting for that proper sexual experience which I refuse to take part in if it is a one time event as to me there has to be a life time commitment.
I have only in my life had one job that earned enough to support myself. In the past through some of the few jobs I have had I have been exploited and taken advantage of. Some jobs this did not happen, but most it did.

Now I am unable to work due to issues....

But what I am saying is that society tries to dictate what success is and tries to paint a picture of this perfect person who is rich and has a fantastic wife or husband and perfect children and the husband had that perfect job when they reach the top etc, etc, etc., but often when they get there they find nothing. All that striving for perfection even if they have no issues.... And there is nothing there.

Now lets go back to each one if us and some have challenges that others don't have. I was never able to get a degree as all avenused to get one were closed... Not through lack of intelligence but financial and other reasons. (I was bullied in college etc so I rushed exams (And failed) to avoid being bullied so I could leave exams before the others did but also I was failing before that due to anxiety etc .. Many reasons).

Anyway... Life... Purpose.... If you can say something or do something to make someone smile you have a purpose. Then make the next person smile and the next.
This brings happiness as it is contageous.

I have faith and I realize that not everyone has a belief, but I personally will be lost without Jesus. I only mention this to say that there is more to life then we see. There is so much more out there.

But going back to making people smile and I have to mention my grandmother. She was always giving. We do not know how she was able but she was always generous and yet she never lacked. People who see givers give to them so they can give to others and it makes them smile! It is about blessing others to bless ourselves. I hope this gives you a purpose!
You can invent a purpose for yourself. Something good... Something worth lving for!


Speak to your Mom and hug her. Ask her for ideas on how to bless others? To make someone smile! Thats contageous.
I have been in extreme happiness giving a randome person a gift. Maybe giving a down and out a meal or a few dollars. It may not be much, but it is fun! And so wat if they use it for wrong things. It is a gift. It becomes their choice how to use it. You have the joy and fun of giving and that is special!
I love it when I have given and I can dissapear quickly to watch the reciever puzzle and have joy.



dorkseid
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15 Apr 2022, 4:54 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

If you work in a public service capacity, like being a public school teacher, you can get full loan forgiveness after 10 years of on-time payments. There’s also the possibility of loan forgiveness for all student loan holders.


I looked into it. If I work for five years in a rural district where I'll be paid next to nothing and have zero social opportunities, I can potentially be forgiven up to a maximum of $5,000. My debt is over $170,000.

kraftiekortie wrote:
And you have your kids, too.


No I don't. Whoever told you that?!

kraftiekortie wrote:
I would trade a good friend for a fleeting romance any day.


It isn't some kind of mutually exclusive binary where you can only choose one or the other. Everyone I know has both.



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15 Apr 2022, 5:10 pm

dorkseid wrote:
I'm not 21; I'm 40. And I still have nothing.

I have not encountered anything positive in decades.

You have (or are very soon getting?) a master's degree in special education. You will have opportunities to make a difference in the lives of many children. And that, IMO, is the kind of thing that can give life meaning.


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kraftiekortie
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15 Apr 2022, 6:03 pm

I meant the kids you teach.

The public service thing is total loan forgiveness. Look it up again.

Look up PSLF—Public Service Loan Forgiveness. Public school teachers qualify.