How to explain we’re not all the same?

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JayJayDavey
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20 Apr 2022, 4:27 pm

Hi everyone, having a lot of difficulties right now getting along and communicating with literally the only person I have left in my life which I’m hoping to get advice for, but probably my starting point for it all is this: (if anybody has the time to possibly help me I would be genuinely so grateful)
My partner essentially thinks my Autism/ADHD (diagnosed as a child, medicated etc.) is either a lie or something that I “could change if (I) wanted to”… but this post is more about the first part:
My partner has a non verbal, pretty low functioning nephew who is 6, and two nieces in their teens who have ADHD and she’s sure one or both have an autism diagnosis (they are both verbal and if anything would be classed as very high functioning) She also has a friend who has a son with Autism (moderately functioning) and Cerebal Palsy, who struggles to walk (this part is relevant, bear with me plz lol).
Basically she regularly accuses me of lying about having autism in general, or saying that traits of my autism are me just excusing my “unacceptable” behaviour. I have tried and tried to explain that not all people on the spectrum are the same (hence “spectrum” but when I said that, unfortunately she thought I was implying she was stupid, but she didn’t know what it meant so I was genuinely trying to explain).
She refuses to believe it- citing her sons friends struggle with walking as being something I don’t have- it took me hours of arguing and a meltdown after having various objects thrown at my head for me to convince her that his particular walking issue was down to his CP NOT his autism… but aside from that she won’t hear it. Because I don’t present the same as the other people she knows with autism (who all present completely differently themselves (who’s confused? Me too 8O )) she doesn’t believe I have autism.
Please help… I don’t know what else to do. And I don’t want to be abandoned again because she thinks I’m being “difficult”on purpose.
Thank you so much in advance



kraftiekortie
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20 Apr 2022, 4:30 pm

I’m sorry she threw things at you. That’s unacceptable.

What provoked her?



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20 Apr 2022, 4:32 pm

JayJayDavey wrote:
How to explain we’re not all the same?
If you have tried, and she does not believe you, then it is likely you will never change her mind.

Perhaps if you could ask a case worker to speak to her, she might change her mind.



JayJayDavey
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20 Apr 2022, 4:39 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I’m sorry she threw things at you. That’s unacceptable.

What provoked her?



It’s generally just a volatile situation, for example, meldowns and especially crying is always going to end in verbal and physical violence towards me, recently added is threats to kill me or herself if I don’t stop… this is why I need to get her to understand



kraftiekortie
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20 Apr 2022, 4:48 pm

You must really love her if you tolerate those sorts of threats.

Honest truth: she doesn’t want to understand. She seeks to dominate you.



kitesandtrainsandcats
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20 Apr 2022, 6:04 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Honest truth: she doesn’t want to understand. She seeks to dominate you.


Good point, that sure is what the evidence looks like.


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20 Apr 2022, 6:24 pm

Yeah you deserve someone much better than that. She's being very ridiculous. I am sorry you are having to deal with this with her.



y6q
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20 Apr 2022, 7:45 pm

JayJayDavey wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I’m sorry she threw things at you. That’s unacceptable.

What provoked her?



It’s generally just a volatile situation, for example, meldowns and especially crying is always going to end in verbal and physical violence towards me, recently added is threats to kill me or herself if I don’t stop… this is why I need to get her to understand

Your partner sounds like a lost cause, OP. Violence and threats to kill are not acceptable behaviours from a partner. They're criminal offenses.
You're not having difficulties 'getting along.' You're being abused.



KimD
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20 Apr 2022, 7:58 pm

y6q wrote:
JayJayDavey wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I’m sorry she threw things at you. That’s unacceptable.

What provoked her?



It’s generally just a volatile situation, for example, meldowns and especially crying is always going to end in verbal and physical violence towards me, recently added is threats to kill me or herself if I don’t stop… this is why I need to get her to understand

Your partner sounds like a lost cause, OP. Violence and threats to kill are not acceptable behaviours from a partner. They're criminal offenses.
You're not having difficulties 'getting along.' You're being abused.


This is a disturbing situation. I'm sorry to tell you this, but I think you need to get out of it, for your own wellbeing and safety.



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20 Apr 2022, 10:14 pm

Many people seem incapable of learning that others are different. Walter Chrysler insisted that there was only one right way to do any job. I wish I'd had the chance to ask him if he had ever been sick or injured, and if he did everything the same then. One year, he thought that the best way to advertise his cars was to just publish a picture of his own personalised tool chest.
Someone who has never understood complexity may be mentally incapable, or they may just have their identity very tightly associated with denial. It usually takes a stunner of a situation to blow a hole in a reality like that.



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21 Apr 2022, 7:00 am

I knew a retired couple from the diplomatic corps. They were smart, pleasant people, but after he had a stroke, she kept pushing him to learn new things when he was just trying to recover old abilities. Eventually, she had a stroke too, and then understood her error.
Bullying is a strong instinctive response that works well to enforce group solidarity in small matters, but not large ones. Birds are territorial, and resolve disputes with one flying away. If they are caged so the loser can't leave, it may be killed by the repeated pecking.



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21 Apr 2022, 7:09 am

JayJayDavey wrote:
Hi everyone, having a lot of difficulties right now getting along and communicating with literally the only person I have left in my life which I’m hoping to get advice for, but probably my starting point for it all is this: (if anybody has the time to possibly help me I would be genuinely so grateful)
My partner essentially thinks my Autism/ADHD (diagnosed as a child, medicated etc.) is either a lie or something that I “could change if (I) wanted to”… but this post is more about the first part:
My partner has a non verbal, pretty low functioning nephew who is 6, and two nieces in their teens who have ADHD and she’s sure one or both have an autism diagnosis (they are both verbal and if anything would be classed as very high functioning) She also has a friend who has a son with Autism (moderately functioning) and Cerebal Palsy, who struggles to walk (this part is relevant, bear with me plz lol).
Basically she regularly accuses me of lying about having autism in general, or saying that traits of my autism are me just excusing my “unacceptable” behaviour. I have tried and tried to explain that not all people on the spectrum are the same (hence “spectrum” but when I said that, unfortunately she thought I was implying she was stupid, but she didn’t know what it meant so I was genuinely trying to explain).
She refuses to believe it- citing her sons friends struggle with walking as being something I don’t have- it took me hours of arguing and a meltdown after having various objects thrown at my head for me to convince her that his particular walking issue was down to his CP NOT his autism… but aside from that she won’t hear it. Because I don’t present the same as the other people she knows with autism (who all present completely differently themselves (who’s confused? Me too 8O )) she doesn’t believe I have autism.
Please help… I don’t know what else to do. And I don’t want to be abandoned again because she thinks I’m being “difficult”on purpose.
Thank you so much in advance


Sounds exactly like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsq3nf33Ii0

If you are getting into chronic arguments with someone it actually points to the fact that the other person starts them on purpose cos some people get a thrill from all that stuff. Hence why she refuses to concede any point to you, constantly brings up the fact that you are 'a liar' when you are not. etc.

If someone is throwing stuff at you and hitting you it only takes one moment of weakness for you to do something back to her...then you'll be 'a woman beater'.
She'll play the victim and tell everyone you are abusive .

After you have one of these hour-long arguments does she seem strangely unaffected, cheerful even? Whereas you feel traumatised?



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21 Apr 2022, 8:31 am

This is not the kind of advice you are asking for or want to hear, but you need to stop being desperate not to be abandoned. Your desperation is allowing her to verbally and physically abuse you, which is a crime. You are being blind and trying to resolve a problem in a way that will never work. As long as you keep trying to make her understand, you will only suffer. Don't expect her to understand because even if she could, she wouldn't. You need to distance yourself from your situation and see it more rationally. If you really want to be with her, then you should accept her point of view that you don't have autism.



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21 Apr 2022, 8:47 am

Call the police.

When a person threatens suicide they require help from a licensed psychiatrist or mental health professional.
When a person threatens or assaults you, they need to be arrested.

I would normally suggest that you show her your ASD report or give her some ASD books to read, but these acts of violence and manipulation take precedence. This is Intimate Partner Violence or DV.

Please seek help.

https://www.mankind.org.uk/statistics/s ... tic-abuse/



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21 Apr 2022, 4:05 pm

I was able to explain my autism using the book " I think I might be autistic" by cynthia Kim
It explains adult autism and about how hard it is to get diagnosis for adults, especially women. It has a good self test section. I asked my husband to read this little book and we each took the test on separate pieces of paper, then compared answers. It helped him see how different our thinking was from each other. It helped him understand and to work with me to find better ways to communicate. He has been more patient and works now to try to understand me instead of just dismissing me as being "goofy". You can find the book on cynthia Kims web site or amazon, or used book sellers all over the internet for not much $$. I have used this book to explain autism to other family members as well. It has been very useful.


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21 Apr 2022, 4:43 pm

Does she know how to use an Internet search engine? Maybe note that there are some famous people identified as being Autistic, or suspected of being Autistic. Then ask her which one she thinks is most like you.


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